RWBY: The Parody
by Maniac92
Summary: RWBY is the tale of Ruby Rose, an adorable fifteen-year-old girl who slaughters monsters! Hooray! With the help of her sister, a temperamental heiress, and a girl who definitely isn't hiding anything, Ruby will battle monsters, criminals, and the inane humor that comes with being in a parody. Rated T for strong language and suggestive humor.
1. Ruby's Roman Rumble

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

 **Disclaimer: RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. It is also misspelled. W DOES NOT MAKE A "U" SOUND. Shots fired.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Ruby's Roman Rumble**

The world of Remnant. Despite the horrific monsters, crazy racism, and the fact that they supply kids as young as fifteen with high-powered weaponry, it's really not that bad of a place to live.

"Oh god, this is a horrible place to live!" screamed a man as he got whacked in the face with a cane. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Um…boss?" asked a man in a black suit. "I love some good old-fashioned ultra-violence as much as the next guy, but shouldn't we be following orders?"

"No," said a red-haired man. He reached into the pocket of his white jacket and pulled out a cigar. He lit it and stuck it in his mouth. " _You_ should be following orders. _My_ orders, to be exact. I'm in charge of this operation."

"But Roman, I thought that Cinder chick was in charge…" said another thug in black.

"You're not getting paid to think," said Roman, wiping the end of his cane on his victim's shirt, "You're getting paid to find me a Dust shop to rob. Besides, Cinder and I have a partnership. I scratch her back…and she doesn't incinerate me."

"I don't think that's how that saying goes," replied the underling.

"It is when you work with a crazy bitch like that," said Roman. He pointed at the thugs. "Now, you. Dust shop. Find. Now."

"There's one down the road," said one of the thugs. "Past the black-silhouetted people that the animators were too lazy to give details to."

Roman and his boys swaggered down the street, past the background characters.

"Oh my god!" screamed one.

"We should do something!" said another.

"I would, but I don't have eyes!" yelled the first silhouetted person.

"We don't have ears or mouths either, but we're having a conversation," observed the second.

"WHAT?!" yelled the first person. "DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?!"

"Mmm-mmm mm-mmm!" replied the second, unable to speak due to having no mouth.

Roman and the thugs, who were armed with red swords, stepped up to the shop at the end of the street. _From Dust Till Dawn_ was written on the sign above the door. The entered the shop, taking note of the tubes of Dust on the walls.

The old man at the counter looked up at them. "…Shit, I'm getting robbed again, aren't I?"

"Afraid so," said Roman as one of his boys pointed a gun at the old man. "We're not here for your money this time. We want the Dust."

One of the suited thugs put a briefcase on the counter and opened it. The rest of them grabbed containers from inside the case and walked over to the walls. They put the containers on the tubes and started emptying them of Dust.

"Wow," said the old man. "They seem to know what they're doing."

"Of course they do," said Roman. "They're professionals."

"Shit!" they heard one thug yell. "I grabbed my thermos by mistake! Now I have Dust in my soup…"

"…Except for Larry," said Roman. "He's an asshole."

As one of the thugs went to empty a tube of Dust he heard the muffled sound of music. He looked to where the music was coming from and saw a small figure wearing a red cloak. The figure's back was to the thug as it idly flipped through a magazine.

The thug grabbed his sword and strode over to the figure. "Alright, kid," he said, "Put your hands in the air."

He grabbed the figure, knocking off her hood in the process.

"I read them for the articles, I swear!" yelled the figure, spinning around. She was a young, dark red-haired girl. Her silver eyes were wide with panic as she hid her illicit magazine behind her. The headphones she was wearing slid off and hung on her neck.

The thug looked at the poorly-hidden magazine behind the girl. "Is…is that a centerfold? Of a _gun_?"

"…Don't tell Crescent Rose…" begged the girl.

"Who the hell is that?" asked the thug.

"Let me introduce you!" said the girl.

Roman was leaning on the front counter, idly twirling his bowler hat in his hands. Suddenly, one of his thugs flew backwards and crashed against the window.

"Larry…" said Roman, not pausing in his twirling.

Larry ran in front of the girl, brandishing his thermos. "Back off!" he commanded. "I've got Minestrone and I'm not afraid to-"

There was a flash of red and Larry suddenly found himself flying out the shop window with the girl, her knee painfully pressing against his crotch.

The girl landed outside, wielding a large metal contraption. As she stood up, the contraption grew longer and unfolded, revealing a large red scythe. Roman and the rest of the thugs watched as she smirked at them, then spun the scythe around in her hands before slamming the blade into the ground.

" _T.O.P. yeah! T.O.P. yeah! Bow down for the Tower of Pi-_ " sang the music from the girl's headphones, before she quickly clicked them off.

"Huh," said Roman, watching her. He looked at his men, who were motionless. "Are you boys waiting for an invitation?" he asked.

"I mean…that'd be nice," replied one of his mooks.

"…Just fucking kill her, ok?" ordered Roman.

The three remaining thugs rushed at the girl. She spun around on her scythe and knocked one of them out. She then swung the blade at the other two, knocking them away.

"Huh," said Roman. He plucked the cigar from his mouth and threw it on the ground. "Thanks for showing me that I wasted my money on these guys, Red."

"My name's Ruby!" said the girl. "And you're…welcome?"

"Mmm," said Roman, lifting his cane up and pointing it at Ruby. "Do you know what this means, Red?"

"Um…" said Ruby, staring at the cane. "You have problems walking?"

"Close!" said Roman. The bottom of his cane popped open, revealing crosshairs. "It means _you'll_ have problems walking."

He pulled the trigger on his cane, shooting a large burst of light at Ruby. The girl jumped in the air to avoid it, and the firework exploded against the ground, sending pieces of the road flying like shrapnel.

Ruby landed unsteadily on her feet and looked up, only to see that Roman had disappeared. Looking around, she spotted him climbing a ladder up to the roof of a nearby building. Out of the corner of her eye, Ruby saw the old shopkeeper exit the store.

"Are you ok if I go after him?" she asked.

"Hell no!" said the old man. "Who's going to pay for my window?"

"Um…" said Ruby. She and the old man stared at each other for a moment. "Gottagobye!" she said, running away and leaving the old man to curse behind her.

Meanwhile, Roman had reached the top of the building and was running across the roof. As he reached the edge, he heard a gunshot. He turned to see Ruby land on the roof.

"Hey!" yelled Ruby.

"Bye!" said Roman, flipping over the edge.

Suddenly, a large aircraft lifted up from edge Roman fell over. Ruby spotted the bowler hat-wearing man crawl on board the aircraft.

Roman grabbed onto the side of the plane. "End of the line, Red!" he yelled. He ducked as a bullet whizzed past his head.

"MY NAME IS RUBY!" screamed Ruby as she took shot after shot at Roman. "Get it right!"

Roman reached into his jacket and pulled out a red crystal. He threw it onto the roof, where it landed near Ruby's feet. Smirking, he aimed his cane at the crystal and fired.

Ruby braced herself for the explosion, but was surprised when she didn't feel anything. She looked up to see a blonde woman holding a riding crop in front of her. Purple glyphs were in front of the woman, shielding her and Ruby from the blast.

"Um…hi?" said Ruby hesitantly.

"Hello," said the woman, pushing up her glasses. "Please stay back." She waved her riding crop and purple beams of light shot towards the aircraft.

The beams impacted against the aircraft, causing it to rock and jerk in the air. Roman stumbled and barely managed to keep from falling out. He ran into the cockpit, where a woman in a red dress was struggling with the controls.

"We've got a Huntress!" he yelled.

The woman huffed and got up from the seat. Roman quickly grabbed the controls to keep the aircraft stable.

On the roof, the woman with glasses waved the riding crop, causing dark clouds to appear above the aircraft. Shards of ice rained down from the clouds.

Roman quickly moved his head as a shard burst through the glass and impaled the chair he was sitting on. "Could you do something about her?!" he yelled.

"Would you like to do this, Roman?" replied the woman as she glared at the two figures on the roof.

"Shutting up," said Roman quickly.

"Good boy," said the woman. She waved her hand and a wave of fire rained down at the woman and girl on the roof.

The woman in glasses waved her riding crop, creating a shield that blocked the fire. Her eyes widened as she heard gunshots beside her. She turned to see Ruby firing at the woman on the plane. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"Helping you!" replied Ruby.

"She's just going to target you!" said the woman in glasses. She glanced at the roof, which had begun glowing red. "Damn it!" she swore, diving at Ruby and knocking her out of the way. Columns of fire exploded from the roof, engulfing the spot where the two once stood.

The woman in glasses got back on her feet and looked up to see the plane flying away. "Well…that's disappointing," she muttered, pushing her glasses back up.

"You…" said Ruby, getting up. "You're a Huntress!" She squealed. "I can't believe I got to fight with a Huntress! This is so-" She paused as she heard something click and looked down to see that her wrists had been handcuffed. "W-what are you doing?"

"Arresting you," said the woman.

Ruby blinked. She squealed louder. "Oh my god, I'm getting arrested by an _actual_ Huntress! This is so cool!"

 _Minutes Later_ :

"I'm getting interrogated by an _actual-_ " began Ruby.

"Enough!" said the woman, slapping the metal table Ruby was sitting at. "You endangered yourself and others with what you did tonight."

"You mean, stopping bad guys?" asked Ruby.

"If it were up to me," said the woman, "You'd be sent home...with a pat on the back."

Ruby smiled at the woman.

The woman smirked and licked her riding crop. "And thoroughly spanked."

Ruby blinked. "…Say what?"

"But, unfortunately for both of us," continued the woman, "It's not up to me. There's someone here who wants to see you."

"Is it my dad?" asked Ruby. "Or my sister? Or my long-lost mother?"

The woman licked her riding crop again. "Oh…I'd have you calling me Mommy…"

"Say what?" asked Ruby.

"Yes…thank you, Glynda. I will take it from here," said a grey haired man as he walked into the room. He was carrying a plate of cookies and a mug of steaming coffee. He eyed the girl sitting at the desk. "Ruby Rose…you have silver eyes."

"Um…thank you?" said Ruby. "You have silver hair."

"I know," said the man. He sat down at the opposite side of the table and gestured at Glynda, who was carrying a tablet that was playing Ruby's fight with Roman's thugs. "Where did you learn to do this?"

"Um…" said Ruby, watching herself fight. "Where did you get that video?"

" _If you liked that shit, click this shit,"_ said a young man with curly brown hair, who had appeared on the tablet after Ruby's fight ended. He was pointing at a door, which had the silhouette of a rooster on it.

"Internet," said the grey-haired man as Glynda turned the tablet off. "And now that I've answered your question…"

"Oh!" said Ruby. "Signal Academy. I go to school there."

"Really?" asked the man. "They gave you a giant scythe-"

"Which is also a gun," cut in Glynda.

"And taught you to swing it around at people?" finished the man.

"…Yes?" said Ruby hesitantly.

"I see," said the man, setting the plate of cookies down in front of Ruby. "Now-" He was cut off by a loud scarfing noise. He turned back towards Ruby, who had chocolate smudged around her mouth. The plate that once held dozens of cookies was in front of her, and now only had crumbs on it.

Ruby let out a small burp. She giggled and said, "Excuse me."

The man blinked. "…You're excused. Now, I'm guessing your uncle Qrow had a hand in training you?"

"Mm-hmm!" said Ruby. "I was complete garbage before he took me under his _wing_." She glanced at the two.

"…I'm…sorry? What was that?" asked the man.

Ruby chuckled sheepishly. "Sorry, I've been spending too much time with my sister. She really loves puns. There was this one time-"

"Miss Rose?" asked the man. "Your uncle?"

"Oh!" said Ruby. "Sorry. Anyway, Uncle Qrow trained me. Now I can fight the Grimm!"

"I see," said the man slowly. He took a sip of coffee. "So you want to fight monsters?"

"Well…that part's cool," admitted Ruby, "But what I really want to do is protect people, you know? I have two more years at Signal, and then I'm going to apply to Beacon Academy to become a real Huntress."

"Really?" asked the man. He set down his mug of coffee and stared at Ruby. "Do you know who I am, Miss Rose?"

"You're Professor Ozpin," said Ruby instantly. "Headmaster of Beacon."

Ozpin shot a satisfied smirk at Glynda.

"Fine," said Glynda, rolling her eyes. She handed Ozpin some money. "She knew who you were. You win."

Ozpin pocketed the money and looked back at Ruby. "So…you want to come to my school?"

"More than anything," said Ruby.

Ozpin nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?" questioned Ruby.

"Okay?!" repeated Glynda.

"I'm the Headmaster," said Ozpin, leaning back and sipping his coffee. "I do what I want."

 _The next day_ :

"This is incredible!" said a blonde-haired girl. She grabbed Ruby and pulled her into a hug. "I can't believe my baby sister is coming to Beacon with me!"

"Yang…" said Ruby, her face deep in her sister's cleavage. "I can't breathe…

"Sorry!" said Yang, pulling away from Ruby, who took in a deep breath of air. "I'm just so proud of you!" She sniffled and wiped a tear out of her eye. "It seems like just yesterday I was helping you learn your ABCs and now you're all grown up and destroying people…" She choked back a sob. "They grow up so fast…"

"Yang…" said Ruby.

"Did you pack everything you need?" asked Yang. "Ammo? Socks? Undies?"

"Yang!" said Ruby, blushing madly.

"I can't wait for you to make new friends!" said Yang excitedly. She gasped. "What if a _boy_ starts talking to you? What if _you_ start talking to _him_?!" She squealed and pulled Ruby into another suffocating hug. "My baby sister is going to get a boyfriend!" She looked down at Ruby and said, "Remember, if he tries anything you don't want to do, you kick him so hard between his legs that-"

"Yang!" yelled Ruby, pushing away from her sister. "I'm here to learn how to kill monsters! I don't want a boyfriend!" She looked at the ground and said, "Besides, I'm nothing special."

"Are you kidding?" asked Yang. "Of _course_ you're special. Everyone at Beacon will love you." She gave Ruby a softer hug than before. "Besides, you're on TV."

"Huh?" asked Ruby, pulling away. "What do you mean?"

Yang pointed near the window, where a holographic screen was playing Ruby's fight with Roman.

" _The robbery was led by Roman Torchwick,_ " said the news announcer. " _Torchwick is a known criminal and has been voted Vale's most notorious dick-bag three years running. Torchwick continues to evade authorities, who would like to ask that, if you see Torchwick, you don't attack him like this crazy bitch in the red cloak. I mean…Jesus. That's just common sense."_

"See?" said Yang. "You're already famous!"

"Great…" muttered Ruby.

Ruby's fight disappeared as a news reporter took her place.

" _Lisa Lavender here. This Saturday's Faunus civil rights protest turned ugly as the White Fang disrupted the ceremony._ "

"The White Fang have been in the news a lot lately," said Ruby.

"Yeah," said Yang, "But at least _we_ ' _ll_ never have to deal with them."

The screen disappeared and the holographic form of the huntress Ruby met the previous night took its place.

"Who is that?" asked Yang.

" _My name is Glynda Goodwitch, you blonde bimbo,_ " said the hologram.

"Rude," said Yang.

" _Welcome to Beacon Academy, where we frown on all forms of faked transcripts._ "

A blond boy standing a little ways away from Ruby and Yang choked and started coughing.

" _You all are among the privileged few who are allowed to attend this prestigious academy,"_ continued the hologram. " _Our world is experiencing an incredible time of peace and it is your duty, as future Huntsmen and Huntresses, to not fuck it up. Here at Beacon, we'll teach you how to protect our world…provided you have at least_ some _form of combat training before coming here._ "

The blond boy gagged and clapped a hand to his mouth.

The hologram disappeared and Ruby gasped. She strode forward and looked out the window of the aircraft. "Look!" she said. "You can see Signal from up here!"

"Really?" asked Yang, looking out. "Looks like a whole bunch of black, undetailed buildings to me…"

"I guess home's not so far after all…" said Ruby.

Yang put her hand on Ruby's shoulder. "Beacon's our home now." She gazed out the window and sighed. "Going to a new school with my little sister. Nothing can ruin this moment."

The blond boy ran past, his hand pressed against his mouth. He grabbed a nearby garbage can and heaved.

"…Never mind," said Yang.

* * *

 **Will Ruby adjust to life at Beacon? Will the blond boy play some part in the story? Who is that mysterious woman with Roman?**

 **...**

 **Guys, I'm asking you questions. Why don't you answer me?**


	2. When Ruby met Jaune

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: When Ruby met Jaune (And Weiss and Blake)**

The aircraft landed in front of Beacon Academy, and the potential students filed out in an orderly manner…only to get knocked aside by an ill-looking blond boy who had a sheathed sword at his hip. The boy quickly ran to a nearby garbage can and leaned over it, retching.

"Why is it always carrots?" moaned the boy. "I didn't even eat carrots today…"

Ruby and Yang carefully avoided the puking boy and made their way into the courtyard of the school. "Wow…" they both muttered.

Beacon Academy was huge. With its tall towers and walls, it looked more like a small city than a school. Ponds and trees surrounded the school, giving it a peaceful look.

"Damn," whistled Yang. "I could get used to staying here. Right, Ruby?" There was no response from her younger sister. Yang looked around, but couldn't see Ruby anywhere. "…Ruby?"

"Your weapon looks so cool!" she heard Ruby say. "What does it do?"

Yang turned around to see Ruby chatting with some background characters.

"Well, uh…" said the silhouetted student. "I'm just a background character. My weapon isn't really detailed."

"Ruby!" yelled Yang. She ran forward and grabbed her sister. She kicked the background character, sending him flying. "Don't go chatting with the extras! You need to find some main characters and obsess over _their_ weapons!"

"I don't _obsess_ over weapons," said Ruby, wiggling her way out of Yang's grasp. "I just admire the skill and craft that it takes to make them. And to operate them. And to clean them. And to stare at them…" She sighed happily.

"Ruby, you're drooling," observed Yang. "Anyway, why don't you find some new people to talk to?"

"Why?" asked Ruby. "I'm talking to you."

"I know," said Yang, "But it's good for you to meet new people. You don't want to be some crazy shut-in who only talks to her scythe, right?"

"…I don't?" asked Ruby.

"Nope!" said Yang. She spun Ruby around and gently pushed her towards the academy. "You want to branch out and meet someone!"

"Alright…" said Ruby. She thought of something and turned around. "What about you?"

"I'm going to hang out with my old friends that we'll never mention again after this!" said Yang. She patted Ruby's head. "Remember! Smile, be polite, look people in the eye when you talk to them, and don't take candy from strangers." With that, Yang walked away.

"But I ate a whole plate of cookies from a stranger yesterday…" muttered Ruby. She sighed as she watched Yang leave. "Now what?"

She turned around and immediately smacked into someone's luggage rack. She fell to the ground, white suitcases scattered all around her.

"Oh my god!" shrieked a voice. "Are you hurt?"

Ruby propped herself up on her elbow and looked up. A girl with white hair and icy blue eyes was kneeling down, a concerned look on her face.

"Don't worry," said Ruby, getting up off the ground. "I think I'm-"

"NOT YOU!" yelled the girl, pushing Ruby back down. She ran to one of her suitcases and picked up. "Are you okay? Did that fat red-wearing hooligan hurt you?"

Ruby picked herself back up. She looked down at her waist and muttered, "Hurtful…" Shaking her head, she bowed her head and said, "I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to damage your clothes."

"Clothes?" said the girl in white. "Are you stupid?"

"Um…" began Ruby.

"Don't answer the obvious," snapped the girl. She opened the case and pulled out a jar of red Dust. "This is Dust! Do you know what Dust is?"

"Of course I-" began Ruby.

"I didn't _think_ so!" interrupted the girl. "Let me explain it to both you and the audience in one angry rant! Dust is refined energy like fire, water, and lightning! People use Dust for use in weapons and technology! Understand?" As she spoke, she shook the jar in her hand, causing clouds of red Dust to float everywhere.

Now, as any responsible viewer knows, Dust is a highly volatile substance. But don't worry. Nothing will happen so long as nobody triggers the-

Ruby sneezed, engulfing her and the girl in a fiery explosion. While the two girls exploded, the jar the girl in white was holding flew into the distance, landing at someone's feet.

"Are you kidding me?!" shrieked the girl in white as she climbed out of the massive smoking crater in the ground. "How could you cause something like this to happen?!"

"Well…" said Ruby, hopping out of the crater. " _You_ were the one shaking the jar around, so…"

"What are you even _doing_ here?!" said the girl. "You're a little young for Beacon, aren't you?"

"I-" began Ruby.

"This _isn't_ your ordinary combat school, you know," huffed the girl. "It's not just sparring and practice! If you can't even-"

"Look, I _said_ I was sorry!" yelled Ruby.

There was a deafening silence as the girl stared at her.

"Bitch, did you just _sass_ me?" asked the girl.

"Yes," said Ruby defiantly.

There was another long silence.

"I…I'm not exactly used to this kind of thing happening," admitted the girl. "Hang on, let me think of something to insult you about."

"O…kay?" said Ruby hesitantly.

"Don't worry about it," said a new voice. "I doubt Weiss Schnee has ever had anyone talk back to her before."

The two girls looked to see a girl with black hair and yellow eyes walk up to them. In one hand was an old-looking book, while in the other was the other girl's jar of dust.

"I'm sorry," said Weiss, not sounding sorry at all, "But do I _know_ you?"

"Blake Belladonna," said the girl. The black bow on her head seemed to twitch. "And you're Weiss Schnee, heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, one of the largest producers of energy propellant in the world."

"Well," said Weiss, "I'm glad to see that _someone_ around here knows-"

"Of course, there _is_ that little problem about the company being corrupt," said Blake. "And racist. And suffering from a train or two disappearing every now and again."

Weiss glared at Blake. "You know what?" she asked, grabbing the jar of Dust from the other girl's hand. "I don't have to take this. You idiots won't last here anyway." She sniffed and stomped away, leaving her butlers to pick up her luggage and follow her.

"Sorry! Again!" called Ruby.

Weiss didn't bother to turn around and kept moving towards the academy.

Ruby sighed and turned to Blake. "So, it's nice to-" She blinked. Blake had disappeared from her side and was nowhere to be seen. "…meet you…" Ruby finished quietly.

Sighing, she sat on the ground and pulled her knees close to her chest. "Welcome to Beacon…" she said sadly.

"Hey," said a voice.

Ruby looked up to see the blond boy from before. He was holding out his hand and had a gentle smile on his face. "I'm Jaune," he said.

"Ruby," replied Ruby, grabbing his hand and pulling herself up. She paused and looked at her hand, which was still gripping his.

"Jaune…" she said quietly, gripping his hand tighter.

"Uh…yeah?" asked Jaune.

"…You did wash your hands after you threw up…right?"

 _One quick trip to the bathroom sink later_ :

Jaune walked out of the boy's room, wiping his hands with a paper towel. "Sorry," he muttered.

"It's ok," said Ruby as the girl's room door closed behind her. "So…motion sickness, huh?"

"It's a lot more common than people think!" said Jaune. He and Ruby began walking down one of the paths leading away from the bathrooms. "So…" said Jaune. "Any particular reason I found you next to a crater?"

"That's a long story…" said Ruby.

"Really?" asked Jaune. "Because it looked like you sneezed and exploded."

"Hey!" said Ruby.

Jaune laughed. "Sorry, sorry!" He pointed to himself. "The name's Jaune Arc! Short, sweet, and the ladies love it."

Ruby raised an eyebrow.

"…Ok, they _will_ love it," corrected Jaune.

Ruby tilted her head.

"…Hopefully?" said Jaune.

Ruby giggled. She grabbed Crescent Rose and unfolded it, slamming the blade into the ground. "I got this!" she said happily.

"Wow!" said Jaune. "Um…you're not going to attack me with that…right?"

"Nope!" said Ruby. She smiled happily. "But just think of all the ways I _could_ attack you if I wanted to! I could slice you! I could slash you! I can even shoot you with this thing!" She blinked and looked around. "Jaune?" The blond boy had disappeared.

Jaune poked his head out from behind a nearby column. "T-that's really interesting, Ruby…" he chuckled nervously. He gulped and said, "But you're not _really_ going to do that?"

"No," said Ruby sadly. She perked up suddenly. "But we'll be able to spar with each other in class! _Then_ I'll be able to attack you with it!"

"Oh…" said Jaune nervously as he walked back over. "That's…that's good…"

Ruby smiled and nudged Jaune. "Don't worry. We've been trained in combat, right? I'm sure you'll give me a run for my money with…whatever you've got!"

"Oh!" Jaune said. He unsheathed his sword. "I've got this sword. A-and a shield!" He grabbed his scabbard, which grew into a shield that Jaune put onto his arm.

"Ooh!" said Ruby, eyeing Jaune's weapons. "I love the classics! My sister, Yang, always said I went a little overboard in making Crescent Rose and-"

"Wait," interrupted Jaune, " _You_ made that?"

"Yeah," said Ruby. "Everyone at Signal made their own weapons. What about you?"

"O-oh…um…" said Jaune.

 _A week ago_ :

"Dad!" called Jaune as he searched through the attic of his house. "Where do we keep the swords?"

"Hall closet!" yelled his father.

"Ok, cool!" shouted Jaune, headed for the closet.

 _Now_ :

"It's…an heirloom?" said Jaune hesitantly.

"Cool!" said Ruby. "Maybe it was in a war! Maybe it has all sorts of hidden features! I can't wait to see…"

"Um…Ruby?" said Jaune. "You're drooling."

Ruby wiped her chin and quickly asked, "So, why'd you help me out back there in the courtyard?"

"Oh, my mom always says strangers are just friends you haven't met yet," said Jaune. He chuckled. "And who am I to leave a cute girl in trouble?"

Ruby blushed and giggled. "Practicing for your ladies, Jaune?"

"What do you mean?" asked Jaune, confused.

"Hey," said Ruby suddenly, "Where are we going?"

"I don't know," answered Jaune. "I was following you."

"…We're lost, aren't we?" asked Ruby.

"You'd think they'd give out maps before we came here," said Jaune.

 _Meanwhile, in Professor Ozpin's office_ :

"Ozpin," said Professor Goodwitch, "Did you remember to send out maps to the new students?"

Ozpin thought about it, taking a deep sip from his coffee as he did so. He smacked his lips and looked at the professor. "…Shit. I knew I forgot something."

* * *

 **Remember kids, when making new friends do not make them explode.**

 **...Learned that one the hard way.**


	3. Bothering Blake

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Bothering Blake**

The doors to Beacon's atrium slammed shut. Students watched the stage and waited for someone to speak.

"WAIT!" screamed a voice.

The doors to Beacon's atrium flew off their hinges as a red blur zoomed into the room. Rose petals floated to the ground as the blur stopped, revealing Ruby and a very haggard-looking Jaune.

"We made it!" said Ruby. She looked down at Jaune's collapsed form and smiled. "Told you I could find it!"

"I'm gonna barf…again…" moaned Jaune, a greenish tinge to his face.

"Ruby!" called a voice.

Ruby turned and saw Yang waving at her.

"I saved you-" Yang paused and looked at her side, where a background character was standing. She picked him up and threw him across the room. She turned back to Ruby and continued, "I saved you a spot!"

"Oh! That's my sister!" said Ruby. She patted Jaune's head. "I've got to go. Are you…uh…gonna be alright?"

"Make the room stop spinning, please," begged Jaune.

"Great!" said Ruby, walking away.

Jaune groaned and picked himself up off the floor. "Great…" he muttered. "Now where am I going to find a combat-obsessed girl with red hair? One who's interested in talking to me and has a weapon that's also a gun?"

Something bumped into Jaune. Turning around, he saw a red-haired girl with green eyes.

"Sorry about that," said the girl. She held out her hand. "I'm Pyrrha."

"Yeah, hi," said Jaune distractedly. He turned and walked away. "I'll never find a girl to talk to," he lamented.

Ruby stopped near Yang, who had a grin on her face. "Soooo…" said Yang, nudging Ruby, "Who was that guy you were with?"

"That's Jaune," said Ruby, smiling. "I hung out with him after, you know, you ABANDONED ME!" She screamed the last two words, flailing her arms around as she did so.

"…You seem a tad upset," said Yang.

"I _exploded_ today!" yelled Ruby. "I might this really whiny girl and I sneezed and suddenly there was fire _everywhere_ and-"

"I AM NOT _WHINY!_ " whined Weiss, suddenly appearing at Ruby's side.

Ruby squeaked and spun around, accidently slapping Weiss in the process. "Um…" said Ruby, staring at the hand mark on Weiss's face, "…Sorry…again…"

Weiss's eye twitched. "I'm going to ignore that," she said. She reached into her jacket and pulled out a pamphlet. "Take this."

Ruby took the pamphlet, which was entitled _Dust for Short, Ugly, Red-headed Dummies…With Man Hands_.

"I had those printed out after our little… _encounter_ ," said Weiss. "Read that and fuck off."

"Alright," said Yang, "It seems like you two just got off on the wrong foot. How about you two start over?"

"Yeah!" said Ruby, holding her hand out to Weiss. "I'm Ruby. It's nice to meet you. Do you want to be friends?"

Weiss stared at Ruby. "…I would sooner spend four years of my life with that kid that puked on the way here than spend one more second in your presence."

"…Was that a yes?" asked Ruby.

Weiss huffed and turned her back on the two sisters.

Someone cleared their throat. The three girls looked up at the stage, where Professor Ozpin was talking into a microphone.

"I'll keep this brief," said the headmaster, gazing out at the crowd of students. "Most of you will probably die during your time here. The ones that survive will _maybe_ become Huntsmen and Huntresses." He paused and took a sip of coffee.

"Sir," whispered Professor Goodwitch, "You're supposed to say something encouraging."

"…Have a good semester," said Ozpin. "If you survive, that is." And with that, he stepped away from the microphone and walked off the stage.

Professor Goodwitch stepped up to the microphone. "You will sleep in the ballroom tonight. Tomorrow, your initiation begins." She began to step away from the microphone, before she thought of something. "And no wild parties in the ballroom. That means you, Miss Xiao Long. The staff at Signal Academy warned us about you."

"Well that sucks," said Yang, deflating slightly.

"Don't worry, Yang," said Ruby, patting her sister's arm. "I'm sure you'll be able to throw a party sooner or later."

Weiss stared at the two. "Um…hello? Did you not hear the part where Ozpin said 'most of us will _die_ '?!"

Ruby and Yang stared at her.

"…Really was looking forward to that party," continued Yang, ignoring Weiss.

"Unbelievable," huffed Weiss. "Where's that guy who barfed?"

"Jaune Arc, at your service," said Jaune, walking up to the girls. He gave Weiss a wink and said, "I'm a natural blond, you know."

Weiss stared at him for a long time. "…It's not worth it," she decided, turning back to talk with Ruby and Yang.

 _Hours later_ :

Everyone was chatting with each other as they set up sleeping bags in the ballroom. Ruby, now in her pajamas, was writing in a small notebook.

"This is great!" said Yang, who was dressed in an orange tank-top and black shorts. She hopped onto the sleeping bag next to Ruby and said, "Look at all the man-meat!" She gestured to the various boys walking around without shirts on.

"Hey guys!" said Jaune, walking past in a blue onesie.

"…Welp. My lady-boner's gone," said Yang.

Ruby shuddered. "Yang, please don't talk about your lady-boner."

"I mean, it's just flaccid now…" said Yang, smirking as Ruby gagged. She raised an eyebrow at the notebook Ruby was writing in. "What's that?"

"Just a letter to my friends back at Signal," said Ruby. "I promised to tell them all about Beacon."

Yang stared at her. "Ruby, the weapons-crafting teacher doesn't count as a friend."

"Mr. Caboose is a great guy!" argued Ruby.

"He blew up part of the school!" shot back Yang. " _Twice_!"

"Look, I don't really have any friends here," said Ruby.

"What about Jaune?" asked Yang. "He's your friend. And he's a _boy_." She grinned and poked Ruby's side. "Ruby's got a boyfriend…"

"Shut up," said Ruby. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Weiss will kill one of us before the semester is over."

"It's only been one day," said Yang. "I'm sure that you and Weiss will be able to bury the hatchet eventually. Besides," she gestured around the ballroom, "There's a ton of people here. You'll make a ton of friends."

There was a flash of light. Ruby and Yang looked up to see Blake, who was wearing a black robe, sitting against the wall, an open book in her hands.

"That's the girl from this morning!" said Ruby.

"Jesus, how many people did you blow up today?" asked Yang.

Ruby glared at Yang and said, "She saw what happened with Weiss, but left before I could talk to her."

"Let's make up for lost time!" said Yang.

"What do you mean?" asked Ruby.

Yang stood up and grabbed Ruby's sides. She picked her up and put her over her shoulder. Grinning, and ignoring Ruby's embarrassed shriek, Yang strode over to the girl against the wall. "Hey! You with the bow!"

Blake lowered the book and watched as Yang marched towards her, Ruby fruitlessly pounding her fists against her back as she did so. "Can…I help you?" asked Blake.

"Do you know my little sister?" asked Yang, setting Ruby down. She winced slightly as Ruby kicked her in the shin.

"You're that girl that exploded," observed Blake.

"It was an accident!" said Ruby.

"Fascinating," said Blake, flipping a page in her book. "Goodbye."

"I'm Yang," said Yang, ignoring the girl. She gestured to her sister and said, "This is Ruby! What's your name?"

Blake closed her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. "…Blake."

"I like your bow," said Ruby.

Blake's eyes widened and she put a hand to her head. "I'm not hiding anything underneath it, I swear!"

There was an awkward silence.

"Excuse us for one second," said Yang. She grabbed Ruby and whispered, "This girl is _crazy_."

Ignoring Yang, Ruby strode forward and asked, "What are you reading?"

Blake blinked and looked down at her book. "It's about a man with two souls, each fighting for control over his body."

"Really?" asked Ruby. "I like stories with heroes and monsters. I always wanted to be like them, you know? Fighting for those that can't protect themselves."

"That's ambitious for a child," said Blake, smiling. "Unfortunately-"

Yang grabbed Blake's book from her. "Let me see…" She cleared her throat and read, " _The ninja unsheathed his hard, rigid sword and thrust it_ _into the empress's waiting_ …" She trailed off, her face growing red.

"Thrust it into what?" asked Ruby innocently. "Is the ninja fighting one of the empress's samurai warriors?"

"Sure," said Yang, quickly handing the book back to a mortified Blake. "Let's go with that."

"I want to read it!" said Ruby, reaching for the book.

"No!" said Blake, wide-eyed. She pressed the book against her chest.

"It's time for you to go to bed, missy!" said Yang, a blush still coloring her cheeks.

"Would you all kindly shut the fuck up?!" yelled Weiss, stomping over. She had let her hair down and was wearing a blue nightgown. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"

"I just read porn, don't mess with me!" yelled Yang.

"That was _porn_?!" said Ruby shocked. "Blake, I thought you said it was a dude with two souls!"

Blake sighed, her face completely red. She quickly grabbed the candle she lit and blew out the flames.

* * *

 **Could Blake be hiding anything under her bow?**

 **...Eh...probably not.**


	4. Jaune Goes Out to Launch

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 4: Jaune Goes Out to Launch**

"Ren?" whispered a voice. "Ren. Ren. RenRenRenRenRenRenRen…"

A black-haired boy opened his eyes and saw a girl with orange hair grinning at him.

"Good morning!" she said happily. She grabbed the boy's wrist and pulled him up. "We've got a long day ahead and we need to get ready!"

The boy grumbled, but allowed the girl to drag him across the ballroom.

 _Minutes later_ :

"I can't believe we've been at Beacon for a _whole_ day!" said the girl excitedly. "I mean, it _is_ a little boring for right now, but once we pass initiation we can show this school how to _par-tay_!" She looked around the steamy room. "Boy, all these boys are so shy! They've been covering themselves in the corner the whole time!" She turned back to the boy and said, "Pass the shampoo, please."

The black-haired boy sighed and handed the girl what she wanted. He sighed again and closed his eyes, the warm water from the showerhead hitting his bare chest.

 _Minutes later, back in the ballroom :_

"Man," said the girl, brushing her hair, "That Professor Goodwitch can yell! What's so bad about showering together anyway?" Her eyes widened and she quickly added, "Not, you know, _together-together_ , but, like, standing next to each other."

The boy gave a noncommittal grunt as he tied up his sleeping bag.

"I mean," said the girl, blushing slightly, "You _are_ handsome and I'm sure any girl would be lucky to have you, but…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "But we've been best friends since we were kids! We've always done _everything_ together, so what's so bad about showering together?"

The boy gave a half-hearted shrug.

 _Minutes later, in the cafeteria_ :

"Now we're here at Beacon together!" continued the girl as she wolfed down the stack of pancakes on her plate. She gasped suddenly, sending bits of pancake onto the boy's own plate of flapjacks. "Do you think we'll be on the same team?! That'd be _so_ much fun!" She gazed at the boy's plate. "…Are you going to eat those?"

The boy sighed and pushed the plate of pancake-splattered pancakes to the girl, who furiously began attacking it with her fork.

 _Minutes later, in the hallway :_

The black-haired boy opened his locker and pulled out two green guns. Behind him, the girl was still chattering.

"We should have a signal to find each other during the initiation!" said the girl. "What about a dove? Or an owl? How about a-"

The boy slammed his locker shut and turned to face the girl, his pink eyes blazing. "Nora!" he said fiercely.

"R-Ren?" asked Nora, wide-eyed.

Ren held up his arms and his guns disappeared into his sleeves. "We're going to use a sloth signal. Sloths are the shit."

Nora broke out into a huge grin. "A sloth! That's so _perfect_! Nobody will see it coming!" She grabbed Ren's arm and started dragging him off. "GO TEAM SLOTH!" she shouted.

"…I think that defeated the whole 'keeping it secret' thing," said Ren as he was dragged out of the hallway.

Ruby watched Ren and Nora leave as she was perusing her own locker. "...Who were they?" she asked. "I don't remember seeing them…like, at all."

"That was the girl who was in the boy's showers this morning," said Yang. "And that kid with the orange hair."

"…I think the one with the orange hair _was_ the girl," said Ruby. "I think the one with the long ponytail was a guy."

"Really?" asked Yang. "But he's so _pretty_!"

"I know," agreed Ruby.

"Well, whatever," said Yang. She watched as Ruby bounced up and down. "Looks like _somebody's_ in a better mood."

"Yeah," said Ruby, grabbing her scythe from the locker, "No awkward small talk today! It's just me, my baby, and a forest full of soon-to-be dead Grimm." She hugged Crescent Rose and chuckled evilly.

"…I should probably be concerned by how happy slaughtering things makes you," said Yang. "You do know you'll have to meet new people eventually, right?"

"Why?" whined Ruby.

Yang leaned forward and poked her sister's forehead. "So you don't grow up to become a crazy old cat lady, that's why."

As Yang said that, Blake rounded the corner. Her eyes went wide as she grabbed the bow on her head. Looking around, the black-haired girl quickly ran out of the hallway.

Not seeing Blake, Yang continued, "And what about when we form teams? You're going to have to meet new people then."

"Why?" asked Ruby. "I'll just be on your team."

"Yeah…" said Yang slowly. "That's…maybe…not going to work out?"

Ruby glared at Yang. "Are you saying you _don't_ want to be on a team with me?"

"Yes," said Yang. Her eyes widened and she quickly backtracked. "No! Of _course_ I want to be on the same team as you! What gave you that _craaaazy_ idea?"

"Yang," said Ruby.

"Yes?" asked Yang.

Ruby pointed down at Yang's hand. "I can see you crossing your fingers. You're supposed to do that _behind_ your back."

Yang stared at Ruby for a second before slowly putting the offending hand behind her back. "Of _course_ I want to team up with you!" she repeated.

As Ruby angrily shouted at her sister, Jaune walked by. He was clutching a piece of paper in his hands and was looking at it intensely. "Locker 939?" he asked. "How can it be 939? The lockers don't even go up that high!"

While Jaune was searching for his locker, Weiss was chatting to the red-headed girl who had bumped into Jaune before Ozpin's speech. "So, Pyrrha," said Weiss, "Have you thought about whose team you'd like to be on? I'm sure you've gotten tons of offers seeing how you're so strong, well-known, and fashionable."

"Christ, not this shit again," muttered Pyrrha, rolling her eyes.

"What was that?" asked Weiss.

Pyrrha smiled and spoke louder, "I'm not sure, you know? I was just hoping on finding someone I can get along with. Someone who doesn't resort to base flattery to get on my good side."

"Yeah, yeah, great," said Weiss, not paying attention to what the other girl was saying. "Hey! Just a crazy idea, but why don't you and I form a team?"

"Not on your life," muttered Pyrrha darkly. She smiled and said louder, "I mean, that'd be grand!"

"Great!" said Weiss. "I can't wait to use you to gain power and influence in this dump!"

"…Hooray?" said Pyrrha slowly.

Jaune suddenly leaned in between the two girls. "Hey baby," he addressed Weiss, "Are you tired? Because you must have fell from heaven."

"…What?" asked Weiss, staring at Jaune with a mixture of disgust and confusion.

"Wait…" said Jaune, frowning. "I think I messed up…" He shook his head and smiled at the heiress. "Remember me? Jaune Arc? Handsome man? Potential Huntsman?"

"Oh god," said Weiss, "You're Annoying Blond #2. I remember you from the speech yesterday."

Pyrrha stepped up to Jaune, a smile on her face. "Hello Jaune," she greeted, "I think we bumped into each other yes-"

"Uh-huh," said Jaune pushing past her. "So Weiss, I've been hearing stuff about teams. What if you and I teamed up together?"

Weiss's carefully planned and scathing remark was cut off by Pyrrha, who said, "I think the teams are comprised of four students each."

"Huh..." said Jaune. He smiled and turned to Pyrrha, "Well gorgeous, maybe I'll let you join my team."

As Pyrrha blushed, Weiss sighed and stepped between them. "Listen, idiot. Do you know who _this_ ," she gestured to Pyrrha, "Is?"

"…Nope," answered Jaune.

"This is Pyrrha Nikos, you moron," said Weiss.

"H-Hi Jaune," said Pyrrha, still blushing.

"…Who?" asked Jaune.

"She graduated top of her class at Sanctum," explained Weiss.

"Is that a church or something?" asked Jaune.

"She won the Mistral regional tournament four years in a row," said Weiss, her eye twitching.

"Good for you!" said Jaune. "Great job winning…whatever that is."

"Thank you," said Pyrrha, smiling. "I got put on the front of Pumpkin Pete's-"

Jaune's eyes widened as he gasped. He pointed at Pyrrha and said, "You're on the front of the cereal boxes!"

Weiss stared at Jaune, her mouth agape. "A-Are you serious?!" she yelled. " _That's_ where you recognize her from?!"

"Well, yeah," said Jaune, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, "They only do that for star athletes and cartoon characters." He looked Pyrrha up and down and whispered, "Are _you_ a cartoon character?"

"No, I'm real," said Pyrrha, giggling.

"So," said Weiss, "After hearing all that basic information that anyone with a _mediocre_ knowledge of the world could have told you, do you still _really_ think _you_ can ask _her_ to be on your team?"

"Sure," said Jaune.

"… _What_?!" yelled Weiss.

"I don't know what Sanctum or the Mistral Tournament is," continued Jaune, "But you'd seem like you'd be fun to have on a team."

Pyrrha smiled kindly at the blond boy. "Thank you, Jaune. I think you'd make a great leader."

"As if," muttered Weiss.

"What do you say, Snow Angel?" asked Jaune, not hearing Weiss's mutterings. "Want to vote Team Jaune? I'd love to have you working under me."

Weiss shot Jaune an icy glare. "Pyrrha? Remove the annoyance."

Something pierced the hood of Jaune's sweater, sending him flying back into the lockers. Jaune looked up, seeing Pyrrha's spear holding him in place. He turned his gaze to Pyrrha, who shot him an apologetic look.

"Sorry Jaune!" she called.

Suddenly, a voice came on the P.A. " _All first year students report to the cliff for initiation. Those who haven't contacted their next of kin, please do so now._ "

Weiss and Pyrrha walked past Jaune. Pyrrha grabbed her spear, freeing the boy from his place against the wall. "Sorry again…" she said.

"Can you believe that dunce?" hissed Weiss as she and Pyrrha walked down the hall. "He's so stupid…so insufferable…"

"So dreamy…" muttered Pyrrha, a blush on her face.

"What was that?" asked Weiss.

Pyrrha's eyes widened and she cleared her throat. "I-I mean…uh…he seems friendly?"

Weiss huffed. "A little _too_ friendly, if you ask me. And what was with him calling me 'Snow Angel'? Only an idiot would be flattered by that."

As the two girls left, Ruby and Yang walked over to Jaune, who was sitting against the wall.

"Well…that was emasculating," observed Yang.

"Yang, shush!" said Ruby, helping Jaune up.

"Well it _was_!" argued Yang.

"I don't get it," said Jaune. "My dad said all girls like is confidence."

"And looks," said Yang. "And muscle. And fast cars. And talent. And money. And-"

" _Yang_ ," hissed Ruby. She turned to Jaune and said, "You should just be you, Jaune. The _real_ you, not some fake macho guy." She smiled and said, "You _were_ good enough to get into Beacon, after all."

"Yeah…" muttered Jaune. He refused to meet Ruby's eyes. "I guess so…"

"Just don't barf on any girls, ok?" asked Yang. "Unless they're into it. We won't judge."

Ruby rolled her eyes and gently pushed Jaune towards the exit. "Come on Jaune. We have an initiation to go to!"

 _Minutes later, at the side of a cliff_ :

The first year students lined up in front of the cliff. Each of them stood on metal plates that were in the ground.

Professor Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch were standing in front of the line of students, watching them.

"You all have trained to become warriors," began Ozpin. "Today, your abilities will be evaluated in the Emerald Forest. It shouldn't be a problem to any of you. It's not like you used fake papers to get into this school or anything…Mr. Arc!"

Jaune jumped. "Uh…uh…" he stammered.

Ozpin looked him dead in the face. Then he pointed at Jaune's feet and said, "Your shoes are untied."

"Oh!" said Jaune. He laughed nervously as he bent down to tie his laces.

Professor Goodwitch looked to the rest of the students and said, "No doubt you've heard rumors of being put into teams. Those rumors are correct. You will be put into teams today."

"Damn it…" muttered Ruby.

"Your teams will be with you for the rest of your time here at Beacon," said Ozpin, "So find someone you know and can tolerate…and haven't blown up on your first day here."

Ruby looked down the line and saw Weiss glaring at her. She quickly looked back at the professors.

"Don't worry, though," said Ozpin. "We're not unreasonable."

Ruby smiled hopefully.

"However, the first person you see will be your partner. Sound good?" continued Ozpin.

Ruby's smile vanished and was replaced by a horrified look.

"Once you've found your partner, make your way to the end of the forest." Ozpin paused and took a sip of coffee. "By the way, we've put Grimm in there. Try not to die, 'kay?" He gestured to Goodwitch, who was holding a tablet. "We're going to monitor and record you during this whole thing. Afterwards, we'll play it for the rest of the Professors at Beacon. They need a good laugh once in a while." He took another sip of coffee. "At the end of the forest, you'll find an abandoned temple with some artifacts for you to grab. Each pair will choose one and return back here. Any questions?"

"Can we have a bathroom break?" asked Jaune. "I suddenly have to go…"

"Son, you are a potential Hunstman," said Ozpin. "You _will_ hold it." He turned and addressed everyone else. "Take your positions."

Everyone else pulled out their weapons and got ready.

"Wait," said Jaune. "How are we getting in there? Are you dropping us off?"

Ozpin stared at him for a second before bursting out laughing.

"What?" asked Jaune. "What's so funn-" There was a click and Jaune was launched into the air with the other students, hurtling towards the forest.

Ozpin wiped a tear from his eye. "I love it when they ask that…"

* * *

 **Minutes later, I will use a transition that is not 'minutes later'.**

 **...Probably.**


	5. Landing Partners

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Landing Partners**

"Caw…CAW I SAY!" yelled a bird as it flew through the air. It felt confident. It felt like a mighty eagle, soaring through the skies. Nothing could stop it on its quest to-

Ruby plummeted into the bird, making it disappear in an explosion of feathers.

"Oh my god, I just killed a bird!" cried Ruby as she fell. "I hope no other birds saw that…" Shaking her head, Ruby lifted Crescent Rose and fired it to slow down. There were choked squawks and the bodies of more birds fell out of the trees. Wincing, Ruby used her scythe to grab onto a branch and safely land on the ground.

Ruby looked at the dead birds around her and sighed. "How can this get any worse?"

The branch she had grabbed onto snapped, sending it and the dozens of bird nests it was carrying to the ground.

Ruby looked at the smashed eggs and birds around her. "This never happened back at Signal…" she said sadly.

Back up in the air, Weiss rolled her eyes as she sailed over the despairing Ruby. "I feel sorry for the jackass who has to pair up with her," she muttered to herself. She grabbed her rapier and focused. A blue, glowing glyph appeared beneath her. Weiss landed on it and jumped forward, repeating the process until she was able to land on the ground.

Ren soared through the air, getting closer and closer to the forest floor. He flipped in the air and used the bladed part of his guns to slide down a thick tree trunk.

"That was easy," he muttered, brushing sawdust off of himself. "Now to find-"

He heard loud giggling and looked up to see Nora sail past him. He watched as she disappeared over the trees. He waited for a couple of seconds, then he heard a loud explosion. A pink mushroom cloud rose in the air over the area Nora had disappeared.

"…Right…" said Ren. He sighed and walked in the direction of the mushroom cloud.

Meanwhile, Yang was using her gauntlets to propel herself forward. She was laughing loudly, but suddenly choked. She landed on the ground and clutched her throat. "I think I swallowed a bug…" she muttered.

Pyrrha used her shield to smash through trees. Landing on a branch, she looked around and saw Jaune screaming as he flew through the air. "Future Husband!" yelled Pyrrha. "I mean, Jaune!" She grabbed her spear and threw it towards Jaune. "Grab onto Miló!"

"Who's Milo?" screamed Jaune.

"No!" yelled Pyrrha. "Miló! The spear!"

"Oh!" said Jaune. He grabbed onto the spear and was propelled out of sight. Pyrrha waited and heard a thunk. "Thanks!"

"I love you!" shouted Pyrrha.

"What?" called Jaune.

"I said 'I'm sorry'!" lied Pyrrha.

"Oh, ok!" answered Jaune.

Meanwhile, Ruby was running through the forest. "Gotta find Yang, gotta find Yang, gotta find Yang…" She looked around, hoping for any sign of her sister. "What if I can't find her? I guess Jaune would be okay…but I don't think he'd be good in a fight…plus he vomits every now and again…"

 _Meanwhile_ :

Jaune was dangling from a tree, holding on to Miló for dear life. His face was tinged green and he moaned pitifully. "Well…new discovery," he muttered to himself. "Heights make me queasy. And being launched into the air makes me queasy. And grabbing onto a spear and getting stuck in a tree makes me queasy. And-"

 _Back with Ruby :_

"I could try and find Blake," said Ruby. "She seems smart and mysterious…and quiet. And a bit unfriendly. And with a bizarre obsession with ninja porn…"

"It's not an obsession!" screamed Blake's voice.

"Fine," said Ruby. "An _appreciation_ for ninja porn."

"Thank you," replied Blake's voice.

Ruby shook her head. "Ok, I know Yang, Jaune, and Blake. Who else?" Unfortunately, Ruby was too deep in her thoughts to pay attention to where she was going. She crashed into someone and the two of them fell to the ground in a heap.

"Ow," muttered Ruby. She opened her eyes and saw a lot of white. "Huh?" She raised a finger and poked the white color.

" _Where_ do you think you're poking?!" shouted a voice.

Ruby looked up and saw Weiss glaring at her with a slight blush on her face. Ruby's eyes widened and she quickly got up off of the heiress. "Weiss?!"

"Of course it's me, you idiot!" yelled Weiss, getting up and covering her chest. "Why did you crash into me?"

"I was looking for…" began Ruby. She trailed off and smiled hopefully at Weiss. "…A partner?"

Weiss stared at her for a moment. "…Over your dead body," she huffed. She turned around and stomped away from Ruby, ignoring Ruby's dismayed expression.

"Who does she think she is?" muttered Weiss. "Crashing into me, poking my…" Weiss blushed and crossed her arms over her chest. "A-Anyway, I better find myself a partner…at this point, I'll take anyone."

"Um…Weiss?" asked a voice.

Weiss looked up and saw Jaune dangling from the top of a tree. "I want to get down, but I'm too scared to let go!" he cried.

Weiss stared at Jaune for a second. "…Yeah, no." She turned back around, leaving Jaune alone.

Ruby looked up as Weiss came stomping back to her. "Weiss, I'm sorry I blew you up…and crashed into you…and poked your boobs…and-"

"Quiet!" said Weiss, stomping past Ruby. She grabbed onto Ruby's hood and started dragging her along. "We are not talking about where you poked. We're just going to forget that ever happened. Now, come on!"

"Hooray!" cheered Ruby.

Jaune watched them leave. "Great…now what?" he muttered.

"Jaune?" asked a voice.

Jaune looked down and saw Pyrrha looking up at him.

"Do you still have room on Team Jaune?" she asked.

"…I think I can squeeze you in," said Jaune. "But…uh…can you get me down? Please?"

While Pyrrha helped get Jaune down, Weiss and Ruby were marching quickly through the forest.

"What's the hurry?" asked Ruby as she struggled to catch up with Weiss.

"Besides trying to get away from you?" asked Weiss. " _Some_ of us actually care about what grade we get for this little exercise. I refuse to get an…an…an…" she trailed off, shuddering.

"Weiss?" asked Ruby.

"An _A minus_ ," Weiss choked out. "I refuse to get an A minus because _I_ have to slow down for _you_."

"What's so bad about an A minus?" asked Ruby, leaning on a tree in front of Weiss.

Weiss blinked and turned around. She turned back again, a confused expression on her face. "Weren't you just-?" She blinked again. Ruby was nowhere in sight. "Ruby?"

Weiss shrieked as someone tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around to see Ruby grinning at her.

"How?!" yelled Weiss, her fear quickly being replaced with fury.

"I'm super-fast!" said Ruby. "I won't slow you down, I promise! I can prove it! I'll look ahead!" And with that, Ruby zoomed forward, leaving only a trail of rose petals in her wake.

"Idiot…" muttered Weiss. "You know we need to stick together to pass this, right?!" she called.

There was no response.

"Ruby!" shouted Weiss.

A twig snapped behind her.

Weiss spun around and saw a pair of blazing red eyes peering at her through the bushes. She looked around, seeing red eyes all around her.

"…You're not the paparazzi again, are you?" asked Weiss.

A black-furred creature with a white skull-like face slowly moved out of the bushes. It opened its mouth and growled at Weiss, showing its fangs.

"Oh good, Beowolves," said Weiss. She pulled out her rapier and pointed it at the Grimm. "Something I can work my aggression out on."

The Grimm roared at her and charged.

* * *

 **Will Weiss survive the battle with the Grimm?**

 **I mean, probably. It's only Episode 5, for god's sake.**


	6. Grimm Encounters

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Grimm Encounters of the Bear/Wolf/Snake Kind**

Yang walked through the forest slowly. There was a light fog, making things difficult to see. Anything could be lurking…watching…waiting for chance to strike.

"SO WHY DOESN'T IT ALREADY?!" yelled Yang. She let out a yawn. "This is so _boring_..." She whistled sharply. "Hello? Anybody?! Ruby? Monsters?! Someone come find me so I have something to do!"

There was a rustling in the bushes.

"God, _finally_!" said Yang. She poked her head into the bushes and came face-to-face with a Grimm. The Grimm snarled at Yang.

"…Need a breath mint?" asked Yang, her nose scrunching at the creature's breath.

Yang dodged the massive black-furred beast as it dived out of the bushes. Yang readied her gauntlets as another Grimm came out of the bushes.

"Two Ursas and only one of me," said Yang. She gasped dramatically. "What is a girl to do?"

One of the Ursas roared and charged her.

"Hmmm…oh!" Yang said, snapping her fingers like she thought of something clever. She cocked her gauntlets, smirking. "I know…"

The Ursa flung itself at Yang, its jaw open and ready to devour the blonde girl. Its terrifying roar was replaced by a raspy wheeze as Yang punched it in the gut, sending it flying backwards.

Yang smiled at the other Ursa and asked, "Anyone else want to try?"

The Ursa roared and charged her, only to be given an uppercut and a kick to the stomach. It flopped back on the ground, its eyes rolling in its head.

"Boys, this has been fun," said Yang. "But I'm looking for someone. Red hood? Giant scythe? Smells like cookies? Ring any bells?"

The first Ursa got up and swung its claws at Yang, who rolled her eyes and ducked underneath it.

"Come on, guys," said Yang as she got back up. "At least give me a chall...enge…" She trailed off as she watched a single strand of blonde hair fall to the forest floor.

Seeing that its opponent was distracted, one of the Ursas charged at Yang.

With her gaze still on the strand of hair, Yang reached out and grabbed the Ursa by the neck and squeezed. There was a cracking sound and the Grimm fell to the ground, its neck at an odd angle.

The surviving Ursa roared at the blonde girl, who was still looking at the strand of hair.

" _ **Quiet**_ ," growled Yang in a harsh voice.

The Ursa stopped roaring and gave a confused growl.

Yang slowly lifted her head, staring at the Ursa with blazing red eyes. " _ **You're dead,**_ " she spat out. She shot forward, a trail of fire behind her. She slammed the Ursa against a tree trunk and started to hit it over and over again.

While Yang was punching the Ursa, another one slowly came out of the bushes. Seeing that Yang was distracted, it silently moved behind her. Opening its jaws, it prepared to chomp down on the blonde girl's head.

Something sharp stabbed into its back. The Ursa whimpered and looked down at its chest, where a metal blade was sticking out of it.

The Ursa fell to the ground, dead. Behind it, Blake was holding on to the ribbon that was connected to her weapon. She yanked on the ribbon, freeing the blade from the Grimm's back. She sheathed the weapon and walked up to Yang, who was still punching the Ursa against the tree trunk. Reaching out a hand, Blake tapped Yang on the shoulder.

" _ **WHAT?!**_ " yelled Yang, as she turned to glare at Blake. The blonde's face was covered in the unfortunate Ursa's blood.

"I'm pretty sure it's dead," said Blake. She pointed at the remains of the Ursa. "I don't think it survived having its organs punched out."

"Oh," said Yang, her eyes going back to their normal purple. She let go of what was left of the Ursa and let it fall to the ground with a wet splat. She wiped her face with her arm and said, "That was a _bear_ of a problem, huh?"

Blake stared at her for a moment before turning around and walking away.

 _Meanwhile:_

Weiss was forced backwards as another Beowolf made a swipe at her. She cursed and took a look around, noticing that she was surrounded by Grimm. "Well…it's times like these that it would be nice to have a _partner_ of some kind…" she muttered. She lifted her rapier and said, "Ok Weiss, remember your training. Remember what Dad always said…"

She imagined her father's voice. " _Weiss, you're getting fat. Why can't you be more like your sister? As punishment, I want you to skip dinner…for the next two years._ "

"…Alright, let's forget what Dad always said," amended Weiss. "Just keep your head up, shoulders back, rear end clenched, and wait for the right time to strike." She waited for a second while the Grimm stared confusedly at her. "…Meh. Close enough." The dial on her rapier clicked and Weiss zoomed forward, the point of her sword level with the Grimm's chest.

There was a flash of red and Ruby appeared in a cloud of rose petals directly in Weiss's path. She swung her scythe at the Beowolf and missed.

"Shit!" said Weiss. She tripped and swung her sword, causing fire to shoot out in a line. The line of fire hit a tree and engulfed it in flames.

"Ooh…" said Ruby, watching the flames. "Maybe, instead of Snow Angel, we can call you Flame Princess!" Distracted with her reference, Ruby was caught off-guard when the Beowolf swiped her with its claws. Ruby gasped and was knocked back into Weiss.

"Watch it!" said Ruby.

"Watch what?" asked Weiss. "You attacked out of turn! I could have killed you!"

Ruby stifled a laugh. "U-um...if you say so…"

"I could have!" yelled Weiss, stomping her foot. "Myrtenaster is just as powerful as your overgrown gardening tool!"

"Don't you talk about my baby that way!" shouted Ruby, holding Crescent Rose close to her chest.

The Beowolves looked at each other and shrugged. They turned around and walked away, giving the two bickering girls their space.

Ruby watched the Beowolves leave and turned around to glare at Weiss. "See what you did? Even the Grimm are sick of you."

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry!" said Weiss sarcastically. "Next time I'll be sure to run you through with Myrtenaster instead of setting the whole fucking forest on fire!"

"Thank you," nodded Ruby.

Weiss threw up her hands in frustration, "Unbelievable! I can't believe someone who talks so much can't even communicate on the battlefield!"

"And _I_ can't believe someone who complains so much wouldn't say when she was going to attack!" argued Ruby.

"You weren't even there!" shouted Weiss.

"Oh, I'm sorry you need me to hold your hand in a fight," said Ruby. "I didn't realize I was your babysitter!"

"Says the child!" shot back Weiss. She sighed and walked away. "Come on, let's just get this fucking assignment over with." She looked back at Ruby and said, "If you need me to stop so you can have your naptime, let me know."

Ruby growled and swung Crescent Rose at a tree, cutting it in half. She stomped after Weiss, ignoring the massive black feather that fell behind her.

 _Meanwhile_ :

"This way," said Pyrrha, pushing past some bushes.

There was the sound of gunshots.

"Did you hear that?" asked Jaune as he walked to the side of Pyrrha.

"Sounds like some of our comrades have found the enemy," said the girl.

"Man…" said Jaune. "I hope they're okay…maybe we should see if we can help?"

Pyrrha smiled at Jaune, but shook her head. "We should focus on completing the assignment." Seeing Jaune's worried look, her tone softened, "Don't worry. Everyone here is a trained warrior. They'll be okay."

"Yeah…" muttered Jaune. "Everyone…"

Pyrrha raised an eyebrow at Jaune, but didn't comment. She instead moved forward, pushing past a branch as she moved.

There was a loud smacking sound and a cry of pain.

Pyrrha looked around to see Jaune sitting on the forest floor, clutching his cheek. "Are you alright?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," said Jaune. He removed his hand from his face, revealing a small cut. "You don't think this will get infected, right?"

"Jaune!" gasped Pyrrha.

"Oh god, _will_ it get infected?!" asked Jaune, his eyes widening with panic.

"What? No," said Pyrrha. She walked closer to him. "But why don't you have your Aura activated?"

"My what?" asked Jaune.

"Your Aura," repeated Pyrrha.

"Or a…what, exactly?" asked Jaune.

"No…A-u-r-a. Your Aura," explained Pyrrha.

"Oh… _Aura_!" laughed Jaune. "Of course, you meant _Aura_ …I was just kidding…"

"Jaune?" asked Pyrrha.

"Yes?" asked Jaune.

"You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

"Um…" faltered Jaune. "No. No I do not."

"Aura is the manifestation of our soul," explained Pyrrha. "It bears our burdens and shields our hearts."

"Right…right…" said Jaune. "…How does it do that, exactly?"

"Let me put it this way," said Pyrrha patiently. "Have you ever had the feeling that you were being watched?"

 _Meanwhile_ :

Ren paused in the middle of a clearing full of tall grass. "…I'm being watched," he concluded. "And not in the 'Nora wants my dessert' way…"

Ren turned around and came face-to-face with a giant black snake. As the snake coiled around him, cutting off his escape, Ren sighed and got into a battle stance.

 _Back with Jaune and Pyrrha_ :

"Well, yeah," said Jaune.

"With practice," said Pyrrha, "Our Aura can become our shields. Even animals have it."

"And monsters?" asked Jaune.

"No," said Pyrrha. "Creatures of Grimm are manifestations of anonymity. There a pure darkness and lack souls of their own."

"Like lawyers?" asked Jaune.

Pyrrha considered it. "…More like the IRS."

 _Back with Ren_ :

Ren was flung backwards as the snake slammed its head into his stomach. Grunting, Ren pulled out his guns and started to fire at the snake. The snake roared and attempted to catch Ren in its mouth, only to get knocked back when the boy kicked it in the face.

"Well…" panted Ren as he landed on the ground. "At least this can't get any worse."

There was another hiss behind him and Ren turned to see a giant white snake raise its head out of the grass.

"…Of course," sighed Ren. He readied his guns.

 _Back with the other two :_

"By bearing your soul outwards, you can deflect harm," said Pyrrha. She pulled out Miló. "Our tools and weapons are conduits for Aura."

"Huh," said Jaune. He pulled out his sword and stared at it. "I guess without our weapons, we're screwed, huh?"

 _Back with Ren_ :

Ren was bashed in the stomach again by the white snake, causing him to fly backwards. He lost grip on his guns as he landed hard on the ground.

He grunted in pain as he stood back up. Before he could get his guard back up, the black snake lunged at him, its jaws opened wide.

 _Back with the other two :_

Pyrrha smiled and said, "Well…not exactly."

 _Back with Ren_ :

Ren's palms glowed pink as he grabbed onto the black snake's fangs. With a grunt, he ripped the fangs out, causing the snake to hiss in pain. It lunged at Ren again, but Ren flipped to the side and stabbed one of the fangs directly into the snake's eye.

Ren's palms glowed pink again and he slammed one of them onto the fang, pushing it further in. The snake's head exploded, and its body fell over.

"My god, _that_ was violent," said Ren. He grabbed the other fang and looked at the white snake. "Let's see if I can do that again…"

 _Back with Jaune and Pyrrha_ :

"I think I get what you're saying," said Jaune. He sheathed his sword. "Aura's sort of like a force-field, right?"

"Kind of," said Pyrrha. She stepped forward and placed her hand on Jaune's face. "Now close your eyes and concentrate…"

Jaune blushed slightly at the contact, but closed his eyes like Pyrrha asked.

Pyrrha closed her own eyes and concentrated. Her body started glowing red. "For it is in passing that we achieve immortality," she said solemnly. "Through this, we become a paragon of virtue and glory to rise above all…" She placed a hand on Jaune's chest. "Infinite in distance and unbound by death, I release your soul…" She opened her eyes to see Jaune's body glowing white. "And by my shoulder, protect thee…"

"Wow," said Jaune, his eyes still closed. "I feel-" He was cut off by a pair of lips on his own. He opened his eyes and saw that Pyrrha was kissing him. He pulled away and said, "Pyrrha?!"

Pyrrha panted, her face red, "Oh…um…t-that was…"

"Oh!" said Jaune, snapping his fingers. "That must be part of the chant thing you were doing, right?"

"R-right!" laughed Pyrrha nervously. "Let's go with that!"

Jaune looked down at his glowing body. "What did you do?" he asked.

"I used my Aura to unlock yours," explained Pyrrha. "Now it will protect you in combat." She watched the cut on Jaune's face heal itself. "Oh my…Jaune…your Aura is so big…" She blushed slightly. "So thick…"

"Um, Pyrrha?" asked Jaune. "You're drooling."

Pyrrha quickly wiped her mouth and said, "W-well…shall we get going?"

 _Back with Ren_ :

Ren panted as the white snake's headless body flopped to the ground.

"Ren!" whined a voice. "You never explode heads when _I_ want you to!"

Ren smiled and turned around. Nora was walking up to him, his guns in her hands. "Sorry," he said.

"No you're not," huffed Nora. "You won't let me break legs, you won't explode heads…you're no fun."

"Sorry again," chuckled Ren. "I have an idea to make it up to you, though."

"Really?" asked Nora, handing him his guns. "What?"

Ren pointed through the trees at a passing Ursa. "How about we get ourselves a ride?"

Nora smiled and pulled out a massive hammer. "Now you're talking!"

* * *

 **Seriously, Ren needs to start exploding more heads.**

 **It's like he's wasting his talents.**


	7. Pyrrha Caves In

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Pyrrha Caves In**

Professor Ozpin observed the Emerald Forest from the cliff. He looked down at the tablet in his hands, a thoughtful observation on his face.

"Our last two have paired up, sir," said Professor Goodwitch as she walked up to him. "Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren." She sighed. "I can't imagine how they'll get along…"

"What do you mean?" asked Ozpin.

"Nothing," said Goodwitch. "It's just that Miss Valkyrie seems a bit…eccentric. I don't know how Ren will handle her."

"…Glynda," said Ozpin. "Press the audio button."

Goodwitch raised an eyebrow, but did what Ozpin asked.

" _Come here, you big baby!_ " yelled Nora as she chased after an Ursa with her hammer.

"See what I mean?" said Goodwitch.

" _Corner it, Nora!_ " yelled Ren as he chased after them. " _Our ride won't get away that easy!_ "

Goodwitch blinked. She turned off the audio and turned to Ozpin. "Never mind," she said, "I think they'll get along just fine." She clicked on a button on the tablet and the screen switched to Jaune and Pyrrha. "I can't say the same for Mr. Arc and Miss Nikos. I don't care what his transcripts say…Mr. Arc is _not_ ready for this level of combat."

"Mmm…" said Ozpin.

"I mean," continued Glynda, "It's not like a few years ago, when you let a student into Beacon even though they didn't have any combat training whatsoever. You wouldn't be as foolish to do _that_ again, right?"

"Mmm…" said Ozpin, suddenly finding the grass very interesting.

"Well, we'll find out soon enough," said Goodwitch, closing her tablet. "They'll reach the temple in a few minutes." Goodwitch frowned. "You know, I've never really understood this whole 'partner' thing. We don't we just assign teams?"

"Shipping reasons," said Ozpin. "It's a long-standing superstition that partners end up romantically involved with each other."

"That's just silly," laughed Goodwitch. "That would mean that you and I…" She paused. "B-But we've never…barring a few times after graduation…and on a mission or two…and when we got hired here…and when you became headmaster and…uh…" Her face grew red.

"…That'll be all, Glyn…Professor Goodwitch," said Ozpin, a small blush adorning his own face. He looked down at his own tablet, where Ruby and Weiss were on the screen.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Ruby was sitting on the grass, watching Weiss pace back and forth. "We're lost, aren't we?" she asked.

"No!" said Weiss. "I know exactly where we are, thank you very much."

"Really?" asked Ruby. "Then where are we?"

"Uh…" faltered Weiss. She shook her head and said, "We're _obviously_ in the Emerald Forest…duh."

"Uh-huh," said Ruby. "And _where_ in the Emerald Forest are we?"

"Well…uh…" Weiss looked around. "We're by an old tree and…" She huffed and crossed her arms. "Fine, we're lost. But it's not like you have a clue where we are either."

"At least I'm not pretending I know everything," muttered Ruby.

"What?!" asked Weiss. "What does that mean?"

"It means your butt's fat and I hate you!" said Ruby.

"My butt is not fat!" said Weiss. "It's perfectly proportioned for a girl my size!" She huffed and turned around. "Just keep moving!"

"Just keep moving!" mocked Ruby in a high-pitched voice. "Look at me, I'm Weiss Schnee! I'm a big bossy jerk and I dye my hair white."

Weiss spun around and gave Ruby a glare. "My hair is naturally white! And I am not bossy! I order you to stop saying that!"

"Stop treating me like a kid!" yelled Ruby.

"Stop acting like one!" yelled Weiss.

"Stop acting like you're perfect!" said Ruby.

"I'm not perfect!" said Weiss. "But I'm leagues better than you."

She and Ruby glared at each other with fiery ferocity. At any second, the two girl would come to blows, leveling the forest in their dramatic battle to prove-

Ruby sneezed in Weiss's face.

Weiss gagged and covered her face. "Oh god, that was _disgusting_!" she screamed. She ran away, forcing Ruby to chase after her.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Yang and Blake looked down at the clearing. The ruins of a long-forgotten temple lay in front of them.

"Think this is it?" asked Yang.

Blake rolled her eyes. "No," she said sarcastically, "It's the _other_ forgotten temple in the middle of the forest."

"There's _another_ temple?!" asked Yang. "Why are we wasting time here, then?"

Blake stared at her. "…You're trying to annoy me, aren't you?"

"Is it working?" asked Yang.

"No," replied Blake. She walked down to the ruins and looked around. There were several pedestals with black and gold chess pieces resting on them.

"Some of these things are missing," said Yang, walking up to Blake. "Man…I wanted to be the first one here…"

"At least we're not last," said Blake, gazing around at all the pieces. "Should we pick one?"

" _No_ ," said Yang sarcastically, "We should just leave them and live in the forest forever."

"…You're not funny," said Blake.

"I'll win you over eventually," said Yang, looking over the pieces.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Jaune and Pyrrha stared into a dark cave.

"Think this is it?" asked Jaune.

Pyrrha stared at the images on the rock wall. They were pictures of people fighting what looked to be a giant scorpion. "I don't think so…" she said. She turned to Jaune and said, "Maybe we should look somewhere-" She blinked. Jaune was standing beside her with a lit torch in his hand. "…Where did you…?"

"My mom got a little worried that I was coming to Beacon," said Jaune. He gestured to his sweater. "She made me bring all sorts of things, just in case."

"…Like a torch?" asked Pyrrha.

"Mm-hmm," nodded Jaune. With his free hand, he reached into his sweater's front pocket and rummaged around. "A torch…a GPS…a first aid kit…water filtration unit…defibrillator…extra pants…"

"I think I get it," said Pyrrha, holding up a hand to stop Jaune. "And while I _am_ marveling at the fact that you somehow have all of that on your person, I still think this is a bad idea."

Jaune stepped towards the cave and said, "Pyrrha, I've been playing video games for a long time. Long enough to know that all the good shit you could possibly find is in caves."

"I don't mean to fault your knowledge, Jaune," said Pyrrha. "But…"

Jaune looked at her with big, watery eyes. His lower lip quivered.

"…But I guess it wouldn't hurt to check," finished Pyrrha. "Just…please stop looking sad."

Jaune smiled at her and led the way into the cave. "See?" he said after a few minutes of walking. "This isn't so bad. Nothing's going to go-" Jaune cried out as he stumbled, dropping the torch into a puddle of water. The flame fizzled out, leaving Jaune and Pyrrha in the dark.

"…Were you going to say wrong?" asked Pyrrha. She squinted and tried to see in the darkness. "Does it feel warm in here to you?"

"A little, I guess…" said Jaune, picking himself back up. "Let's check it out. But we should probably hold hands so we don't lose each other." He held out his hand for Pyrrha. He let out a high-pitched squeak as he felt a hand squeeze his butt. "P-Pyrrha? Th-that's not my hand!"

"Oh!" said Pyrrha, blushing. "Sorry, Jaune."

They were silent for a few moments.

"Pyrrha?" asked Jaune. "Your hand's still there…and are you squeezing tighter?"

"Sorry!" said Pyrrha, quickly letting go.

 _Back at the temple :_

Yang gazed at a golden knight chess piece. "Well hello, my little pony," she said as she picked it up. "Write any letters to a princess lately?"

"Cute," said Blake, rolling her eyes. "Now that we've got our thing, should we head out?"

"Yeah," said Yang. She stretched her arms over her head and yawned. "Man…this was really easy. Ozpin made it sound like it'd be tough."

"I know, right?" asked Blake. "I mean, it's not like this place is hard to find. Only an idiot would get lost trying to find it."

 _Back in the cave_ :

"It's official," said Jaune, stumbling through the dark, "I'm lost."

"Maybe we should hold hands again," said Pyrrha quickly as she gracefully followed him. "You know…for safety?"

"I would, but you keep missing and grabbing my a-" Jaune paused and squinted. "What's that gold thing?"

A large, pointed, crescent-shaped object was hanging in front of them. It glowed with a warm, golden light.

"That's gotta be it!" said Jaune excitedly.

"I don't think it is…" said Pyrrha doubtfully.

"Pyrrha," said Jaune, "It's gold, it's shiny, and it's cool. How could it not be the relic?" He reached out and tried to grab the object, only for it to move out of his grasp. "Huh?" asked Jaune. He tried grabbing it again, only for it to move away. "Bad relic!" he said, smacking it. The object swung forward and smacked him in the face. "Hey!" Jaune jumped and grabbed onto the object. "Got you!"

"Jaune?" asked Pyrrha, watching as the boy was lifted into the air.

Jaune blinked and looked down at Pyrrha. He looked forward and saw six blazing red eyes staring at him. "…Pyrrha?" asked Jaune calmly, not taking his eyes off the eyes. "…I do not believe this is the relic."

 _Back at the temple_ :

A high-pitched shriek rang through the forest.

"Did you hear that?" asked Yang, turning around. "Some small, wimpy little girl is in trouble!"

"Could it be your sister?" asked Blake.

"Nah," said Yang. "Ruby's been trained to handle all sorts of Grimm. She wouldn't scream. Whoever this is, it doesn't sound like she's been in real combat before…"

 _Back at the cave_ :

Pyrrha was thrown out of the cave, her spear and shield landing beside her. She quickly picked them up and got back on her feet just in time to see a large, scorpion-like Grimm burst out of the cave.

"Pyrrha!" screamed Jaune as he hung onto the Grimm's stinger desperately. "Help!"

"I'll save you, Jaune!" said Pyrrha.

The Grimm, sensing the opportunity to be a giant asshole, flicked its tail, flinging the screaming Jaune deep into the forest.

Pyrrha blinked. She turned and ran into the forest, screaming, "I'll save you, Jaune!"

The Grimm roared behind her and began to give chase, knocking over trees as it scuttled after the girl.

* * *

 **No actual trees were hurt during the making of this chapter.**

 **Jaune, however, sustained mysterious hand-shaped bruises on his ass. His partner, Pyrrha Nikos, declined to comment on the matter.**


	8. Teamwork is for the Birds

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 8: Teamwork is for the Birds**

"WHY ON EARTH DID YOU THINK _THIS_ WAS A GOOD IDEA?!" screamed Weiss as she held on to the feathers for dear life. "HOW DID WE EVEN GET ON THIS THING?!"

"Don't sweat the details!" said Ruby. "Besides, it's not that bad!"

"Are you crazy?!" screamed Weiss.

"We can just jump off!" said Ruby.

"Oh my god, you _are_ crazy!" yelled Weiss.

There was only the sound of wind rushing past.

Weiss opened her eyes and looked to where Ruby was, only to see black feathers. "…DID YOU JUST LEAVE ME?! YOU LITTLE CU-"

Down on the ground, Yang was waving her hand in front of Blake's face. "Blake, you've been staring at the sky for the past three minutes. What the hell are you looking at? And why did your bow just twitch?"

"Your sister is falling to her death," said Blake quickly, pointing upwards.

"What?!" yelled Yang, looking up to see Ruby falling. "Ruby!" she screamed. She held out her arms and said, "I've got you!"

Just as Ruby was about to land safely in Yang's arms, Jaune flew in out of nowhere and crashed into her. The two of them flew towards the trees and disappeared among the branches.

"Ow," moaned Ruby as she rubbed her head. She was sitting on a branch, leaning against the tree trunk. "My head…"

"My head…" came a muffled voice.

Ruby looked down and shrieked when she noticed she was sitting on someone. She quickly moved and said, "Jaune! What were you doing down _there_?!"

"Suffocating?" said Jaune, sitting up.

"D-did you see anything?" asked Ruby.

"Just something white with pictures of roses all over it," said Jaune. He raised his eyebrows at Ruby's red face. "Are you ok?"

Ruby shrieked and slapped Jaune across the face.

Meanwhile, Blake and Yang were staring at the line of trees where Jaune and Ruby disappeared.

"…Why did it just sound like someone was getting slapped?" asked Blake.

"I have a feeling that particular answer will only make me angry," said Yang. She looked up and said, "Let's focus instead on how and why Ruby just fell out of the sky."

There was a loud roar and the two girls jumped. They looked at the line of trees in front of them, where a large Ursa burst into the clearing. It panted once and then fell on its face.

Nora hopped off the Ursa's back and kicked it. "Damn it! It's broken. And I had three payments left on it too…"

Yang and Blake stared at the girl. "…Did you seriously ride an Ursa all the way here?!" asked Yang.

"Yep!" said Nora.

"Why would you _ever_ do that?!" asked Blake.

"It was _his_ idea!" said Nora, pointing an accusing finger at Ren, who walked over to her and panted.

"Nora…" he said slowly, trying to get his breath back. "You were supposed to wait for me to get on before you started driving!"

"Sorry Ren!" said Nora. "It was too fast! Too furious! Too Tokyo Drift!" She gasped and ran over to the temple, pushing Blake and Yang out of the way as she did so. She grabbed a golden rook chess piece and held it up in the air. "I'm Queen of the Castle!" she sang. "I'm Queen of the Castle!"

"…Is she crazy?" asked Blake.

"No," said Ren, walking up to the temple. "She's just Nora."

"…Which means?" prompted Yang.

"She's a little crazy," replied Ren. "But you get used to it after a while."

There was a horrible screech and Pyrrha ran into the clearing. Right behind her was the scorpion-like Grimm, its claws snapping after the red-headed girl.

"Hey!" shouted Pyrrha as she ran by. "Have you seen Jaune anywhere?"

"Tree," said Yang, pointing.

"Thank you!" replied Pyrrha, running towards the trees. She dodged the Grimm's pincers. "Jaune!" she yelled.

Jaune rubbed his cheek, where a hand-shaped bruise was forming. He looked down and saw Pyrrha dodging the scorpion. "Pyrrha!" he shouted.

Ruby hopped off the tree branch and landed in front of Yang.

"Ruby!" said Yang, hugging Ruby.

"Yang!" said Ruby, hugging Yang back.

"Ruby," greeted Blake.

"Blake!" replied Ruby.

"Jaune?" asked Yang, looking up.

"Yang?" asked Jaune, looking down.

"Jaune?" questioned Blake, looking up.

"…Blake?" asked Jaune, unsure if he heard Ruby correctly.

"Blake," said Blake, confirming that, yes, Blake was in fact her name.

"Jaune," nodded Ren.

"…You!" said Jaune hesitantly.

"Nora!" chimed in Nora.

"Nora?" asked Jaune, looking at Ren.

Ren shook his head and pointed at Nora. "Nora."

Jaune turned his head to Nora. "Nora?"

"Jaune!" said Nora.

Ren pointed at himself. "Ren."

"Ren?" questioned Ruby.

"Ren," nodded Nora.

Pyrrha was suddenly thrown into the stone wall of the temple. She slammed into the ruins and bounced off, landing on the grass.

"Pyrrha!" everyone shouted.

"Hello again…" wheezed Pyrrha. She got up, shook her head, and ran back to battle the scorpion.

"Is she really planning on fighting that Deathstalker alone?" asked Blake, watching the redhead charge.

Yang took a deep breath. "Ok…" she pointed at Ren and Nora. "You two somehow managed to get an Ursa to bring you here, correct?"

"Uh-huh!" said Nora excitedly.

Ren simply nodded.

"And you," Yang pointed up at Jaune, "Teamed up with Pyrrha and found that Deathstalker, right?"

"That is an accurate summary of my long and painful journey," agreed Jaune.

"We," continued Yang, gesturing at herself and Blake, "Got here without any problems, right?"

"Aside from you beating the ever-loving shit out of an Ursa just for touching your hair?" asked Blake.

"Right," confirmed Yang. "And you, little sister," she pointed at Ruby, "Somehow fell out of the sky."

"I didn't fall out of the sky," argued Ruby. "I jumped off a bird."

"What bird?" asked Yang.

"I'm guessing _that_ one," said Ren, pointing upwards.

Everyone looked up and saw a giant, black-feathered, bird-like Grimm flying above them.

"That thing is huge!" said Yang, shocked.

"What's that white thing on its talon?" asked Nora.

"RUBY!" screamed the white thing. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

"Weiss," said Blake and Yang, recognizing the shrill voice.

Everyone looked down at stared at Ruby, who fidgeted guiltily. "In my defense," she said quickly, "I told Weiss to jump."

"I'M GOING TO FALL!" screamed Weiss.

"You'll be fine!" yelled Ruby.

"I'M FALLING!" screamed Weiss as she lost her grip on the talon. She fell from the bird, screaming as she plummeted.

Jaune jumped from the tree and caught Weiss in his arms. "Baby," he said to her, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd have you running through my mind all day."

"…What?" asked Weiss.

"Wait…" said Jaune. "I think I messed up."

"Fascinating," said Weiss, rolling her eyes. "How are you keeping us in the air, by the way? Is that your Semblance?"

Jaune stared at her for a second. "…My what?" he asked. Suddenly, he and Weiss plummeted to the ground.

Weiss groaned and held her head. "Ow…" she muttered. She looked down and saw that she was sitting on Jaune. She shrieked and quickly got off him.

"Why?" wheezed Jaune.

"Did you see anything?" questioned Weiss, her face growing red from rage.

"Just something black and lacey," said Jaune. "Why?"

Everyone watching from the temple winced as Weiss kicked Jaune right between his legs.

"Good thing he has Aura protecting him," said Ruby.

"Personally, I would have rather had a cup," said Ren.

Pyrrha was thrown back again and landed in front of the others. "Ow…" she muttered.

"Ok," asked Yang. "Weiss is pissed, Jaune's probably not having kids anymore, and our little champion just got her ass handed to her. Anything else?"

"Yep!" said Ruby. She knelt down and held her hand out to Pyrrha. "Tag me in!" she said.

"What?" asked Pyrrha, dazed and confused.

"WHAT?!" yelled Yang.

"Just do it!" said Ruby.

Pyrrha tapped Ruby's hand.

"Thanks, Pyrrha!" yelled Ruby as she pulled out Crescent Rose. She fired it backwards, which propelled her towards the Deathstalker.

Ren ducked as bullets whizzed past his head. "She _does_ know she's shooting at us, right?"

"Apparently not," said Blake as she crouched to avoid the gunfire.

Ruby charged at the giant scorpion, her scythe raised high. "There's no way I'll lose to you!" she screamed.

The Deathstalker swung one of its claws and swatted Ruby away.

Ruby picked herself up and grabbed her scythe. "Ok…Round two!" She charged again, only to get swatted back again. "Alright…" she slurred, stumbling around, "Round three!" She charged once again, only to get knocked back again.

"Ruby!" yelled Yang. "Run away!"

"Mmkay!" said Ruby dazedly. "Just as soon as the world stops spinning…" She shook her head and looked back at the Deathstalker, which began charging after her. "Eep!" squeaked Ruby. She quickly started running.

"I'm coming!" shouted Yang, running forward.

The bird-like Grimm watched as the little red-hooded girl ran towards the temple. It blinked and struggled to remember where it had seen her before. Its eyes widened as it remembered hearing the girl's voice earlier that day.

" _Oh my god,_ " it recalled the girl saying, " _I just killed a bird!_ "

Images of dead birds and shattered eggs came to the Grimm's mind. A single tear trailed down its face.

The Grimm let out an enraged screech and swooped down towards Ruby. It flapped its wings, sending a barrage of black feathers at the fleeing girl.

Ruby choked as one of the feathers snagged her cloak. She tried pulling it free, but couldn't.

Yang was forced to stop as the feathers landed in front of her, cutting her off from Ruby.

The Deathstalker growled as it raised its stinger, preparing to impale the trapped girl.

Ruby closed her eyes and prepared for impact, only to feel nothing. Nothing except a cold breeze.

"You are pathetic," said a familiar voice.

Ruby opened her eyes and noticed two things. One, a wall of ice had appeared and stopped the stinger in its tracks. Two, Weiss was in front of her, her sword stabbed into the ground.

"Weiss?" asked Ruby.

"And stupid, borderline suicidal, childish, smelly, and-" continued Weiss. She blinked and shook her head. "And I suppose I can be a bit of a bitch."

"Can be?" asked Ruby.

"A BIT?!" screamed Yang.

"MY BALLS!" yelled Jaune in a high-pitched voice.

"Yes, thank you," said Weiss, her eye twitching. She sighed and said, "Look, we may not like it…but we _are_ partners. We need to do this together. If you stop showing off, I'll try and be…"

"Less of a bitch?!" supplied Yang.

"Yes," said Weiss, her eye twitching again. "Less of a bitch."

"I'm not _trying_ to show off," said Ruby sadly. She looked at the ground and sniffed. "I just…I just want you to know that I can do this."

Weiss stared at her. "God…you look like a kicked puppy…" she muttered. She shook her head and said, "Look, you're fine, ok? You just…need to realize you're part of a team now, ok?"

"Ok…" said Ruby.

"And stop looking so sad," said Weiss. "I'm not going to yell at you, ok?"

Ruby quickly got up and hugged Weiss.

Weiss blinked and awkwardly patted Ruby on the back. "Ok…ok…" She stood still for a moment. "Get off me. Now."

"Sorry," said Ruby, quickly letting go. She turned around and squeaked as she was pulled into Yang's embrace.

"Aw," said Yang, holding Ruby close, "You made a friend!"

"Can't breathe…" muttered Ruby, her face in Yang's cleavage.

Yang turned to Weiss and held one arm out. "Group hug!" she said.

Weiss glared and pointed her rapier at Yang. "Don't test me," she said.

"…Never mind!" said Yang, squeezing Ruby tighter. "Sister hug!"

"Yang…" moaned Ruby, her face turning blue.

There was another loud screech as the bird-like Grimm circled above them.

"I hate to interrupt this sister-type moment," said Jaune, looking up at the sky, "But that big bird is coming back! What should we do?"

"Calm down sissy," said Weiss. She pointed at the pedestals. "Our objective is right there. We won't even have to deal with the Nevermore."

"Weiss is right," said Ruby. "We just have to grab an artifact and skedaddle back to the cliffs. We don't have to fight these things."

"Aw…" groaned Yang and Nora.

"Run and live?" asked Jaune. "I like that plan."

He and Ruby stepped forward and grabbed a chess piece. Ruby grabbed the other golden knight while Jaune grabbed the remaining gold rook.

"Mine's better," said Ruby, holding it up for Jaune to see.

"No way," said Jaune. "Mine's a cool castle while yours is just a wimpy little horse."

The Deathstalker roared as it attempted to pull its stinger free. The ice holding it in place began to crack.

"Will you two idiots hurry up?!" yelled Weiss.

"She's right," said Ren. "It's time to go."

"Jaune's right, though," said Nora. "The castle is cooler than the-"

Ren patted her head, cutting her off. "Not now, Nora."

Ruby nodded and said, "Let's go!" She started running back to the cliffs, the others following her.

Yang stood still and smiled as Ruby led the group away.

Blake paused and looked at the motionless blonde. "Why'd you stop?" she asked.

"My baby sister is taking charge…" sniffed Yang. She wiped a tear out of her eye. "It seems like just yesterday she stepped off the airship and came to Beacon."

"…Yang?" began Blake. "That _was_ yesterday, remember?"

The Nevermore screeched and dove at the two girls.

Yang's eye twitched. "EXCUSE ME!" she screamed. She picked up a boulder and threw it at the diving Grimm. The boulder struck it in its face and it fell to the ground, dazed. "I AM HAVING A MOMENT!" She huffed and looked at Blake. "The nerve of some people…"

"Let's complain about the Grimm _after_ we get away from it," suggested Blake. She grabbed Yang by the arm and pulled her after the group. Behind them, the Nevermore pulled itself up and launched into the air again.

The group ran for the cliffs, but the Nevermore was faster. It flew towards the bridge to the cliffs and started circling around, waiting for the teenagers.

The group took cover behind stone columns. They drew their weapons and looked out at the Nevermore, which perched on top of an old tower.

"What an asshole," said Yang to Ruby.

Jaune heard a roar behind them and turned to see the Deathstalker burst through the trees.

"Do these things ever _stop_?!" he yelled.

"Grimm only stop when they have their prey," explained Pyrrha. "Once they have their victim cornered-"

"Exposition later, Pyrrha!" said Jaune, grabbing her hand. They ran out from behind the pillars and headed towards the bridge. The Nevermore saw them run out and flew up into the air, ready to attack.

"Nora, distract it!" yelled Ren.

"Hey!" yelled Nora as she and Ren ran out into the open. "I'M DISTRACTING!"

The Nevermore screeched and flapped its wings, sending feathers at the two of them.

"I meant with _Magnhild_ , Nora!" shouted Ren as he dodged feathers.

"Oh yeah!" said Nora. "Sorry!" She grabbed the gun off of her back and fired it at the Nevermore, shooting a grenade at the Grimm. The grenade exploded in the Nevermore's face, causing it to fly away.

"Man," said Nora, still firing at the bird, "Why would _anyone_ trust me with explosives? That just seems like a horrible idea!"

The Deathstalker roared as it rushed towards Nora, preparing to kill her. However, Ren and Blake jumped in front of it and slashed it with their weapons.

"It's not a horrible idea," said Ren to Nora. "It matches your… _volatile_ personality."

Weiss jumped to Nora's side and grabbed onto her arm.

"Hi, I'm Nora!" greeted Nora.

"Weiss," replied the heiress. "Now please let me focus. I need to make a glyph to get us out of here."

"We don't need glyphs!" laughed Nora. She pointed her grenade launcher at the ground. "Watch!"

"Wait, no!" said Weiss, realizing what Nora was about to do.

Nora pulled the trigger, shooting a grenade at the ground. It exploded and Nora and Weiss were launched away from the Deathstalker.

"…Maybe it _was_ a bit of a horrible idea to give her a grenade launcher…" admitted Ren as he watched the two girls soar away.

"You think?" asked Blake. She and Ren turned and began running for the bridge.

Pyrrha turned and saw the Deathstalker right behind Ren and Blake. "Go!" she said to Jaune as she turned. She pulled out her spear, which transformed into a rifle. She began firing at the large Grimm, with Ren joining her once he caught up to her.

Their bullets bounced off the Deathstalker's face and it roared as it came to the bridge. It paused, letting the teenagers all run across the bridge.

"Why'd it stop?" asked Jaune mid-run.

"It's too big for the bridge," answered Weiss.

"It almost seems like it's waiting for something," said Yang, looking behind her at the Grimm.

"Like what?" asked Ruby.

"Hey," said Pyrrha, looking around as she ran, "What happened to the Never-"

The Nevermore suddenly swooped down and slammed into the bridge, breaking it in half and separating the group.

Jaune stood up and looked around. He, Nora, Ruby, Yang, and Weiss were on one side of the bridge while Pyrrha, Ren, and Blake were fighting the Deathstalker on the other.

Blake was thrown backwards by the force of the Grimm's claws. "You just _had_ to lure a Deathstalker back to everyone," she grumbled as she got up.

"Sorry!" said Pyrrha as she fired at the monster. "In all fairness, Weiss and Ruby did get the attention of a Nevermore."

"Ladies!" said Ren, firing his guns. "Less talking, more shooting!" He ran forward, using the bladed edge of his guns against the Grimm.

"They need help!" said Jaune. "We need to get over there!" He groaned as he looked down at the broken bride. "Dammit…I can't make that jump…"

"I've got an idea!" sang Nora. She grabbed her grenade launcher and held it out, letting it transform into a giant hammer. She slammed it into the bridge, causing it to break further. She pulled the trigger on it, shooting the broken bit with a grenade. The explosion caused her and Jaune to fly across the gap and land on the other side of the bridge.

"It's Hammer Time!" screamed Nora. She swung the hammer and bashed the Grimm's head with it. She quickly jumped backwards to avoid the Deathstalker's stinger. Unfortunately, she jumped backwards into Blake, who fell off the bridge.

"…Seriously?" muttered Blake as she fell. She looked back up and saw the Nevermore attacking the girls on the other side of the bridge. She threw her chain scythe and used it to swing through the air and land on the Grimm's head. She ran down its back and started slicing it. She jumped through the air and landed beside Yang.

"It's tougher than it looks!" she said.

"No kidding," said Yang. She cocked her gauntlets and got ready to attack the Grimm.

"…Do you guys hear music?" asked Ruby. "Because I hear music."

"…How hard did you hit your head?" asked Weiss.

"Yeah, what are you talking about?" asked Yang.

"Never mind," muttered Ruby.

The four girls took their weapons and began firing at the bird. The Nevermore ignored all of the shots and crashed through the tower the girls were standing on. Each of the girls used pieces of the tower to get back to the bridge.

Weiss and Ruby landed next to each other.

"Well…that didn't work," panted Weiss.

"Looked cool, though," said Ruby. She looked around and saw Blake swing to the bridge opposite them. She heard explosions and looked up to see Yang standing on a pillar and firing at the Nevermore. "…I have a plan!" Ruby said excitedly.

"…This isn't anything like your 'Let's Ride the Nevermore and Find the Others' plan, is it?" asked Weiss.

"Just humor me, Weiss!" yelled Ruby as she jumped towards Blake.

Meanwhile, on the other piece of bridge, the Deathstalker pulled its stinger out of the bridge, causing it to shake.

"We've got to move!" shouted Jaune. He pulled out his sword and shield and charged at the Deathstalker, letting out a loud yell as he did so.

"He's so cool!" said Pyrrha in awe.

"He's crying a little bit," observed Ren. He pulled out his guns. "Maybe we should help him."

The other three ran after Jaune, each of their weapons at the ready. The giant scorpion-like monster swung a claw at Pyrrha, who blocked it with her shield. It attempted to use the other claw to get to the girl, only to bounce off of Jaune's shield.

"Holy shit, that actually worked!" said Jaune. He winced as he moved his arm. "…I think my arm's broken…"

Ren rushed forward and grabbed onto the Deathstalker's stinger. He began firing at it, hoping that it would be cut off. "Nora!" he yelled. "A little help please!"

"On it!" shouted the girl, holding up her grenade launcher. She began firing at the Grimm, causing it to flail its claws and knock Jaune and Pyrrha back. Pyrrha regained her footing and threw her spear at the Grimm, stabbing it in the eye.

The Grimm roared and swung its tail, flinging Ren away. The boy flew through the air and smashed into a nearby pillar.

"Probably should've made its head explode…" muttered Ren. He fell off the wall and landed on the ground.

Jaune picked himself back up and looked at the Grimm's golden stinger, which was dangling off its tail. "Pyrrha! Throw your shield!" he yelled.

Pyrrha chucked her shield at the stinger, causing it to fall and impale the Grimm's head.

"Nora!" shouted Jaune. "Jump on Pyrrha's shield! Then-"

"On it!" said Nora. She hopped on Pyrrha's shield and fired Magnhild, causing her to fly up into the air.

"…Was this part of your plan?" asked Pyrrha as she watched the girl disappear into the clouds.

"I actually was going to have you carry her over to the stinger," began Jaune. He watched as Nora plummeted down and smashed the stinger, causing it to sink further into the Grimm's head. "But that seemed to work, so I won't complain about it."

Nora pulled the trigger on Magnhild, causing an explosion that launched her, Jaune, and Pyrrha behind the Deathstalker, which fell to its death as the bridge broke underneath it.

"Did we win?" asked Ren, hobbling over.

"Yeah," panted Jaune as he laid on the ground, "I think we did."

"Bitchin'," said Ren, falling on his face.

Meanwhile, the Nevermore was circling around Yang, who was shooting blast after blast at it.

"Fucking die already, you asshole!" yelled Yang. She launched another shot which struck the bird in its face. "Yes!" cheered Yang.

The Nevermore turned in the air and started flying towards Yang, its beak open.

"Shit!" yelled Yang. She jumped into the Nevermore's beak, holding it open with her hand. She shot blasts from her gauntlets into the bird's mouth before jumping back onto the bridge.

"Move you blonde bimbo!" yelled Weiss as she zoomed towards Yang, her rapier pointed in front of her.

"Whatever you say, Snow Angel!" said Yang, stepping out of the way.

"Stop calling me that!" yelled Weiss, jumping towards the Nevermore. She stuck the ground with her rapier, causing the bird's tail to freeze to the bridge.

While Weiss was doing that, Blake launched her weapon at Yang, who caught it and wrapped it around a pillar, stretching Blake's ribbon and making it taut. Ruby jumped into the air and landed on the ribbon with Crescent Rose.

At this point, Weiss had ran back and used one of her glyphs to pull Ruby back to her.

"Are you sure this plan you told us all about off-screen is going to work?" asked Weiss.

"Weiss, when have my plans never worked?" asked Ruby.

"How about when you charged at the Deathstalker a few minutes ago?" suggested Weiss.

"…Just shut up and launch me, woman," said Ruby.

Weiss's glyph turned red and she swung her rapier, launching Ruby into the air. Ruby flew towards the Nevermore and prepared to catch its throat with her scythe.

Ruby sailed past the Nevermore and smashed into the side of the cliff.

"Ow…" she moaned as she fell off.

 _A couple of minutes later_ :

Ruby was back on Blake's ribbon and getting held back by Weiss.

"Are you sure you've got it this time?" asked Ruby.

"Relax, I just made a mistake with my aim," said Weiss. "This time will go much better."

She swung her rapier and Ruby was launched…about five feet in the air. She fell and landed face-first on the bridge.

 _Another minute later_ :

Ruby was once again on Blake's ribbon.

"Weiss…" began Ruby. " _Please_ tell me you've got it this time."

"O-of course!" said Weiss. "The sun was in my eyes the last time!"

She swung her rapier again and Ruby was launched at the Grimm.

"Please work, please work, please work," pleaded the girl as she prepared to catch the Grimm. She caught the Grimm's neck with her scythe and landed feet-first on the side of the cliff.

Back on the bridge, Weiss was checking her nails.

"WEISS!" screamed Yang and Blake.

"O-oh!" said Weiss, jumping slightly. "Sorry!" She focused and glyphs appeared up the side of the cliff.

Ruby ran up the side of the cliff, dragging the Nevermore with her. She reached the top of the cliff and yanked on her scythe, cutting the bird's head off. She landed on top of the cliff, the bird's head landing beside her.

Jaune and his group watched as the bird's body fell down the cliff.

"…Jesus, what is this show rated?" asked Jaune. "That was crazy violent."

"At least there was no blood," said Pyrrha. "Which is weird, right? There should probably be blood."

"Ren!" said Nora, poking at the fallen boy's head. "They won!"

"Yay," said Ren, his voice muffled due to laying face-down in the dirt.

Yang and Blake walked over to Weiss. "…How are we supposed to get out of here?" asked Yang. "We kind of blew up the bridge…a lot."

 _One airlift off the bridge later_ :

The assembly hall was full of people and Professor Ozpin was assembling teams on stage.

"Russel Thrush, Cardin Winchester, Dove Bronzewing, and Sky Lark," he said to four boys who were all wearing armor. "The four of you retrieved the black bishop. You will be named Team CRDL, and you will be led by Cardin Winchester."

"Great!" said Cardin. "I can't wait to bully people!"

"What?" asked Ozpin.

"I mean fight Grimm," said Cardin quickly.

"Oh ok," said Ozpin. "Next group, please!"

Jaune, Pyrrha, Nora, and Ren walked on stage, passing Team CRDL.

"Jaune Arc, Lie Ren, Pyrrha Nikos, and Nora Valkyrie," said Ozpin. "The four of you retrieved the white rook pieces…"

"Um…sir?" said Jaune. "Those things were gold."

"No," said Ozpin, "They were white."

"They looked gold to me, sir," said Pyrrha.

"They were more gold than white," said Ren.

"Only a moron would say that they were white!" said Nora happily.

Ozpin's eye twitched. "Fine," he said, "For collecting the _gold_ rook pieces, you will all work together as Team JNPR, led by…"

"Pyrrha," said Jaune.

"Pyrrha," guessed Ren.

"ME!" shouted Nora.

"Jaune Arc," said Ozpin.

"Me?!" asked Jaune. "But I'm not a leader!"

"Then you shouldn't question my colors, boy," growled Ozpin.

"You did it!" said Pyrrha happily. She raised her fist and punched Jaune in the face. "Oh! Sorry!" she said quickly. "That was supposed to hit your arm…"

"It's good…" said Jaune, rubbing his jaw. "I didn't need those teeth anyway…"

"Finally," continued Ozpin, "We have Blake Belladonna, Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, and Yang Xiao Long." He watched the four girls come up on stage. "The four of you retrieved the white-"

Team JNPR cleared their throats.

"The _gold_ knight pieces," said Ozpin, his eye twitching again. "From this day forward you will be Team RWBY. Led by…"

"Me me me me me me me me," muttered Weiss.

"It's Team _RWBY_ ," said Blake. "I think it's obvious that the leader will be-"

"Ruby Rose!" said Ozpin.

Blake blinked. "Huh…I was going to say Yang, but whatever."

Yang rushed towards Ruby and gave her another bone-crushing hug. "I'm so proud of you!"

"Yang…" groaned Ruby, her face turning blue again.

"…Oh well…" said Weiss, applauding with the rest of the room. "I suppose it's not that bad. It's just for school, right? I mean, it's not like anything _bad_ is going to happen."

 _Meanwhile_ :

Moonlight poured in from the warehouse's window as Roman leaned on the table, a phone at his ear. "Cinder, Cinder, babe…" said Roman. "It's no big deal…we've got the dust, we've got a plan, we're gonna be fine, babe!"

Steam rose from the phone as the woman on the other line yelled at Roman.

"Ah…right…" said Roman. "Don't call you 'babe'. Got it, ma'am." He turned around and looked at an open crate. Various Dust crystals were laying inside it. Roman smirked and picked up a blue crystal. "…I am going to love causing all sorts of bad things to happen with these…"

* * *

 **Seriously, those chess pieces were gold.**

 **Is Ozpin colorblind?**


	9. Classy Decorations

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Classy Decorations**

It was the morning after initiation and Weiss was fast a-snooze in the new bed in her new dorm that her new team got brand new off-screen. Birds tweeted from outside and a gentle breeze blew in from the open window.

Weiss slowly opened her eyes. Yawning, she sat up in bed and stretched. She felt refreshed and rested after yesterday's trying ordeal. She had a feeling that nothing could ruin her day.

There was a loud whistle in her ears.

Weiss screamed and fell out of bed. She landed on her back and looked up to see Ruby smiling down at her. The young girl had on her school uniform, but had her red cloak on with it.

"Did you have a good night's sleep?" asked Ruby kindly.

"…Better than my morning," grumbled Weiss. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Now that you're awake," continued Ruby, ignoring Weiss, "We can start our first order of business!"

"Is it going back to bed?" asked Weiss.

"Nope!" said Yang's voice. Weiss looked over and saw Yang and Blake dressed in their uniforms and holding various items. "We're going to decorate!" continued Yang.

"…Why?" asked Weiss.

"We have to unpack," explained Blake.

"Isn't that what the servants are for?" asked Weiss. "Like that blond buffoon or that hyperactive orange thing?"

"…Do you mean Jaune and Nora?" asked Ruby. "They're our classmates."

"…Are the standards here _that_ low?" asked Weiss.

"Alright!" said Ruby, ignoring Weiss. "Operation: Decoration is underway! First we need codenames!"

" _WHY_?!" yelled Weiss.

"Yang, you are Punchy McFisty," said Ruby.

"I'm pretty sure that's a sex move," replied Yang.

"Blake, you're Miss Kitty," continued Ruby.

"…Why?" asked Blake slowly, her hands reaching up to cover her bow.

"Because your bow looks like cat ears," said Ruby.

"Oh!" said Blake. She laughed nervously and took her hands off her bow.

"Weiss, you're Snow Angel," continued Ruby.

"Why does everyone keep calling me that?!" complained Weiss.

"And I'll be Red Leader," said Ruby.

"…Can we just use our normal names?" asked Blake.

"Red Leader approves of this," replied Ruby.

The four girls went to work, unpacking their things and decorating the room.

"Yang?" asked Ruby, walking over to where her sister was putting a poster on the wall. "You brought your Achieve Men poster? I thought one of them went off to make his own band."

"Yeah, he made the Brown Man Group," said Yang, looking at the man in glasses on the poster. "But he'll always be part of the Achieve Men to me."

Weiss was on the opposite side of the room, putting a painting up on the wall. "Is there anything better than fine art, Blake?" she asked.

"Books," replied Blake instantly. She was kneeling on the floor, putting books onto a bookshelf. "Books are definitely better."

Weiss looked at the book Blake was about to put on the shelf and smirked. "Like _Ninjas of Love_? That must be so _enriching_."

Blake looked down at the book and her face grew red. "I-I only read it for the plot, I swear!"

"What book is that, Blake?" asked Ruby, walking over to see.

"Nothing you need to see," said Weiss. She turned Ruby around and gently pushed her towards the window. "Go put up the curtains I brought."

"Fine," whined Ruby. She walked away, leaving the two girls alone.

"Thank you," said Blake.

"Don't thank me," said Weiss. "I only wanted to spare our innocent little leader from seeing your porn…again."

"It's _not_ porn!" whispered Blake. "And quiet down! What if Yang hears you?"

"I already have!" called Yang. "You should read the sequel, by the way. That's when things _really_ get juicy, if you know what I mean."

Before Blake could say anything, there was a loud ripping sound.

"…Weiss?" came Ruby's voice. "How…how expensive were these curtains?"

"Very," answered Weiss. She closed her eyes and asked, "How bad is it?"

"Well…the curtains maybe…possibly…were cut in half?" replied Ruby. "…With a giant scythe? Not mine, if _that's_ what you were thinking."

Weiss groaned and rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on. "Good thing I brought a spare," she muttered.

After getting the spare curtains up, the four girls looked at their handiwork.

"Great!" said Ruby. "Good job, team!"

"…Ruby," said Weiss. "The beds?"

Ruby looked in the middle of the room, where the four beds had been pushed on top of each other in an unorganized pile.

"How did that even happen?" asked Blake. "We only put up a poster, a painting, bookshelves, and a curtain."

"It doesn't matter!" said Weiss impatiently. "We need to fix this."

"Maybe we could get rid of some of this stuff?" suggested Yang. "Like the painting?"

"How about _you_ get rid of your ridiculous boy band poster?" asked Weiss. "I like that Super Best Friends band better."

"You're both wrong," said Blake. "Starbomb's the best."

"You only like it because of your ninja fetish," said Yang. "Achieve Men is where it's at."

"Girls, this isn't helping!" said Ruby. "Besides, Dude Soup kicks the shit out of all of them." She turned her gaze back to the beds and suddenly gasped. "What about bunkbeds?! That'd be so cool!"

"How are we supposed to have bunkbeds?" asked Weiss. "It's not like we can just make our own."

 _A few minutes later_ :

"I can't believe we made our own bunkbeds," said Weiss in disbelief.

"I can't believe they're still holding," muttered Blake.

One of the beds rested on top of another by using stacks of books. The other bed was tied to the ceiling and was dangling above the other bed.

It all looked very unsafe.

"This is very unsafe!" complained Weiss. "What's to stop these things from falling on the bottom beds?"

"You're overreacting," said Yang.

There was a snap and the ropes holding the bed dangling from the ceiling snapped. The bed fell onto the bed underneath it, crushing it.

Weiss turned and raised an eyebrow at Yang.

"…We can fix it," said Yang. "We've got plenty of time before class." She blinked and looked at Ruby. "When does class start again?"

"9 o'clock," said Ruby.

"What time is it now?" asked Yang.

"…About 8:55," said Blake, glancing at the clock. "Wait! 8:56."

"You dunce!" yelled Weiss. "We're going to be late! Why didn't you keep track of time?!"

"…Why didn't you?" asked Ruby.

"Because…" began Weiss. She thought for a moment. "…Fuck it. Let's just get to class."

The team ran out of their room and down the hall.

"I can't believe we're going to be late on the first day!" yelled Weiss.

"You're not the only ones…" came Pyrrha's voice from the side.

The girls turned their heads and saw Team JNPR sprinting alongside them.

"Why are you guys late?" asked Yang.

"Nora wanted to make bunkbeds," explained Ren. "But that's freakishly unsafe, so we had to spend an hour talking her out of it."

Weiss turned and stared at Ruby as they ran.

"…Shut up, bunkbeds are cool!" argued Ruby.

"Right?!" asked Nora. She turned her head towards Ren. "See? Ruby thinks bunkbeds are cool! We should totally get them."

"Let's talk about it later, Nora!" said Jaune as he ran. "We need to get to class before we're late!"

 _Ten minutes later_ :

Teams RWBY and JNPR burst into the room, each of them panting.

"We're so sorry we're late professor!" said Weiss. She looked up and blinked.

There was no professor in the classroom. The only people in the room were other students, who were looking impatient in their seats.

"They aren't here yet?" asked Blake.

"I wonder what's holding the professor up?" asked Pyrrha.

"Who cares?!" asked Weiss impatiently. She strode forward and sat at the front row.

"Aw," groaned Yang. "Do we _have_ to sit in front? Only nerds do that."

"I put up with your bunkbed bullshit, you can put up with being in front," huffed Weiss. "Besides, I've sat in the front row in all my classes. You wouldn't call me a nerd, would you?"

"…Do you want me to answer that honestly?" asked Yang.

Weiss sighed. "Just shut the fuck up and sit down, will you?"

The group walked forward and sat down. Only a few seconds later, the door swung open and a man with grey hair and a large bushy mustache walked into the room. On his back was a large axe.

"Ah, excellent!" said the man. "You're all on time. It's Beacon Academy policy to take any stragglers out back and shoot them!" He paused and thought for a moment. "…Or is that just _my_ policy?"

"…Is this guy crazy?" whispered Jaune.

"I don't know," whispered Yang. "But he sounds like one of the guys from the Achieve Men."

"Anyway!" said the man. "My name is Professor Port! I'm here to teach you all about Grimm." He walked over to the wall and took the axe off his back. As he hung it up, the students could see that the weapon was also a blunderbuss. They also noticed a disturbing amount of blood on the axe's blade.

"So!" said Port, turning to face the class. "I must apologize to all of you. I went out into the Emerald Forest to catch a little surprise for your first day and it took longer than I thought to get back here. Traffic was… _murder_." He laughed loudly, an evil glint in his eye. Behind him, blood dripped from his axe onto the floor.

"I'm scared…" muttered Ruby.

"Anyway," continued Port, "You all are here hoping to become Huntsman and Huntresses. Understanding our enemy is key to succeeding this goal. Vale and the other three kingdoms are safe havens in a dangerous world. The Grimm would love nothing more than to tear us all limb from limb and guzzle our blood like red Kool-Aid."

"I am never drinking red Kool-Aid again," said Jaune, his face tinged green.

"That's where we, as Huntsmen and Huntresses, come in," continued Port. "Let me take this opportunity to creepily wink at Miss Xiao Long." He did so, complete with an equally creepy click of the tongue.

"…I'm calling the cops," said Yang.

"Moving on!" said Port quickly. "Our purpose is to protect people that cannot protect themselves. In order to achieve that, we need to understand our enemy and figure out how best to brutally slaughter them."

"Internet Box Reference!" yelled a boy in the back of the class.

"What the fuck is Internet Box?" asked Port.

"Well," began the boy, "It's a podcas-"

"Sit down and don't ever open your ungodly mouth in my class again," commanded Port. As the boy sat down, never to be seen again, Port turned to the rest of the class. "Before I start teaching you about our enemy, how about a story?"

"Does it have a hero in it?" asked Ruby excitedly.

"Indeed it does, Miss Rose," said Port. "Me! I was a young, handsome lad digging holes for a living when-"

As Port continued his speech, Weiss felt her eyelids drooping. She looked over at Ruby who was doodling on a piece of paper. "I'm glad to see your taking notes," she whispered to the younger girl.

"Notes?" asked Ruby. She laughed. "Uh…right! 'Notes'! That's what I am _definitely_ doing."

Weiss raised an eyebrow, but chose not to comment. Instead, she looked back at Port and tried to concentrate.

"After my brief stay in a psychiatric hospital, I was ready to finally build the Kung-Fu house of my dreams," said Port, "But I could never look at gnomes the same way again…"

Weiss heard Ruby giggling and turned to look at her. Ruby met Weiss's gaze and held up a drawing of Professor Port in a gnome outfit.

Weiss growled under her breath and turned to listen to Port again.

"After I had killed the Beowolf," continued Port, "I returned home a hero. And it was on that day that I decided to stop taking my medication and focus instead on teaching young people like yourselves. And the moral of this story is that a true Huntsman must be honorable!"

"Weiss," whispered Ruby. "I didn't take notes, could I just copy yours?"

Weiss's eye twitched.

"A true Huntsman must be dependable!" continued Port.

"Whoops!" said Ruby, looking down at her feet, "I forgot my shoes this morning!" She laughed. "Man, could you imagine if we were on a mission and I forgot something important? That'd be crazy!"

Weiss growled under her breath.

"A true Huntsman must be strategic, well-educated, and wise!" continued Port.

"God, I hate school," whispered Ruby. "When do we get to the shooty-shooty stab-stab part of class? Or naptime? I could go for naptime right about now."

Weiss squeezed the pencil in her hand so hard it snapped in half.

"Who thinks they measure up to these traits?" asked Port.

"ME!" yelled Weiss, thrusting her fist into the air. She shot a nasty glare at Ruby. "And I'll do whatever it takes to prove it!"

"Good, a victim!" said Port. "I mean… _volunteer_." He gestured to the side of the room, were a massive cage was set up against the wall. The cage rattled as something growled and attempted to get free.

"…Was that there this whole time?" asked Blake. "Why didn't we notice it before now?"

"Who cares?" growled Weiss. She was still glaring at Ruby. "It'll be no problem for a _real_ Huntress." She stood up and began to make her way to the front of the classroom. "…One that _should_ have been made leader over this… _child_ ," she muttered under her breath.

* * *

 **Weiss is salty and jelly and all sorts of other condiments.**

 **...Except relish because ew.**


	10. Leading Lectures

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 10: Leading Lectures**

Weiss pointed Myrtenaster at the cage, a determined expression on her face.

"So…" began Ruby, who was still sitting with the rest of her team and Team JNPR, "Is nobody going to ask how Weiss just changed into her regular clothes?"

"Ruby?" asked Jaune. "Didn't you hear Professor Port say she could go get her equipment and regular clothes?"

"Nope!" said Ruby. "I was busy drawing Professor Port in a skirt! See?" She held up her drawing for everyone else to see.

"…Looks more like a kilt," observed Blake.

"And why does he have a crown on his head?" asked Pyrrha. "Is he a king?"

"No," scoffed Ruby. "He's a princess. _Obviously_."

"Would you all shut up?!" yelled Weiss. "I'm trying to focus here!"

Professor Port, who was standing at the side of the cage, cleared his throat. "I must _axe_ you if you're ready, Miss Schnee." He chuckled and held up his battle-axe.

"Stay out of my territory!" yelled Yang.

"I'm ready Professor!" replied Weiss, ignoring Yang.

"Very well!" said Port. He swung his axe down on the cage, causing it to open.

A boar-like Grimm with four eyes stomped out of the cage. It growled and charged Weiss, who stepped out of the way and slashed it with her rapier. The blade bounced off the Grimm's side, causing no damage.

"It's not very effective," said Ruby. "Maybe it's a ground-type! Use water attacks!"

"This isn't _Pokémon_ , you idiot!" shouted Weiss.

The Grimm turned around and roared at Weiss, who pointed her sword at it again.

"Boarbatusks are too heavily armored to attack head-on," advised Port. "I suggest you find another way to kill it."

" _Or..._ I could attack it head-on!" said Weiss, shooting forward. She attempted to stab the Grimm in the face, only for Myrtenaster to get caught in the monster's tusks.

"…Nope," said Port slowly. "Still not working."

"Turn your sword into a scythe, Weiss!" shouted Ruby. "That always works for me!"

"It doesn't turn into a scythe!" said Weiss as she struggled to get her rapier out of the Grimm's tusks.

"...Well that blows," said Ruby.

The Boarbatusk yanked its head back, causing Myrtenaster to be ripped from Weiss's grip. The rapier soared through the air and landed on the opposite side of the classroom. The Grimm then slammed its head into Weiss's stomach, causing her to go flying backwards.

"Um…shouldn't you stop the fight?" asked Yang.

"Nah," said Port. "This battle is providing Miss Schnee with valuable lessons in being a Huntress."

"…Such as?" asked Ren.

"Um…" faltered Port. "Something something don't lose your weapon. Now," he turned back to the fight, a crazed grin on his face, "LET'S SEE SOME BLOOD!"

The Grimm charged towards Weiss, who was on her hands and knees. Weiss rolled out of the way, sending the Boarbatusk crashing into the front row and knocking over some background characters.

Taking advantage of the Grimm's predicament, Weiss ran to the other side of the classroom and picked up Myrtenaster.

"Weiss!" shouted Ruby. "Go for its belly! There's no armor-"

"Stop telling me what to do, Dad!" yelled Weiss.

There was an awkward silence. Even the Grimm paused to look at Weiss.

"…I mean…Ruby," corrected Weiss. "Not Dad."

The Grimm shook its head and leapt into the air. It tucked itself into a wheel and shot towards Weiss.

"Oh please," said Weiss. She formed a glyph in the air in front of her and watched as the Boarbatusk slammed into it. The Grimm flopped onto its back and Weiss stabbed it through the stomach.

"Yes! Death! Destruction!" cheered Port. "Now, can you fight a Beowolf while your blindfolded and on fire?"

Weiss was spared from answering as the bell rang.

"Aw…" said Port dejectedly. "I guess we'll wait for next class for that particular exercise. Mr. Arc, I think I'll have you participate for it!"

"What?!" squeaked Jaune.

"Anyway!" continued Port, ignoring Jaune. "Read the assigned readings! I won't tell you which readings, but, rest assured, they _are_ assigned!"

"…Were we supposed to get books for this class?" asked Nora.

Weiss yanked Myrtenaster out of the dead Boarbatusk's stomach. She shot a nasty glare at Ruby before turning around and storming out of the classroom.

"Seriously, do we need books?" asked Nora.

"Weiss seemed pissed," observed Jaune.

"She'll be fine," said Yang. "Just give her time to cool off and-"

"Um…Yang?" interrupted Blake. She pointed to Yang's opposite side, where Ruby was previously sitting.

"…Ruby went after her, didn't she?" asked Yang, closing her eyes.

 _Meanwhile_ :

"Weiss!" shouted Ruby as she chased after the heiress. "Wait!"

Weiss sighed and turned around. "What do _you_ want?" she asked.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Ruby. "I thought you said you were going to be less of a bitch!"

"That was before a _child_ became my leader!" said Weiss.

"What did _I_ do?!" asked Ruby.

"You wasted our morning building bunkbeds, you slacked off in class, and you shouted complete _nonsense_ when I was fighting that Grimm," said Weiss. "I could forgive all that, but you've done _nothing_ to earn your position as leader!"

"And _you_ have?" asked Ruby.

"That's not the point!" shouted Weiss.

"Then what _is_ the point?!" yelled Ruby.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE ON A TEAM LED BY _YOU_!" screamed Weiss.

"…What?" asked Ruby quietly.

"I've studied and trained for _years_ ," explained Weiss. "I was told to strive for perfection. And what's my reward? I'm stuck on a team with a childish leader who can't focus and doesn't want to learn anything or make herself better." She turned around. "Ozpin made a mistake. You aren't cut out to be _my_ leader...or anyone's, really."

Ruby watched in shocked silence as Weiss stormed off, leaving her alone.

"Well…that could've gone better," said a voice.

Ruby turned around to see Ozpin. The headmaster was watching Weiss's retreating form as she stomped down the hallway.

"Was she right?" asked Ruby. "Did you make a mistake?"

Ozpin looked down at the girl, his eyes fixed on her own. "…I can't answer that, Ruby."

"Huh?" asked Ruby. "Why not?"

Ozpin lifted his mug to his mouth and took a drink out of it. "Sometimes," he began, "We choose leaders based on their strength. Sometimes we choose them for their intelligence. Sometimes we choose them for their skills." He took another sip from his mug. "And sometimes," he continued, "Sometimes we choose leaders because of their potential to become great. You asked me why I made you leader. Why do _you_ think I made you leader?"

"…Because the team name is 'RWBY' and you wanted to be consistent?" guessed Ruby.

Ozpin chuckled at that. "No, although I'll admit that it _was_ a side benefit." He sobered and continued, "Ruby, I chose you as leader because I think you'll make a good one. I could be wrong, admittedly, but I don't think I am."

"But Weiss said-" began Ruby.

"Ruby, it's been _one_ day," said Ozpin gently. "Hell, it's been like _half_ a day. Great leaders aren't made overnight."

"…You really think I'll be a great leader?" asked Ruby.

"I think you _could_ be," corrected Ozpin. "Whether or not you _will_ depends on you. Being a leader isn't just a fancy title. Your teammates will need to know they can count on you to lead them. And if you aren't pushing yourself to be the best you can be, how can they?" He took another sip from his mug. "You asked me if I made a mistake. I honestly don't know. I guess you'll just have to do your best to prove to your team, and to yourself, that I did not."

He walked away, leaving Ruby alone with her thoughts.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Weiss stomped out onto one of Beacon's balconies. The sun was setting, casting an orange glow on Beacon's buildings. She spotted Professor Port at the edge of the balcony and walked over to him. "Professor Port!" she greeted.

"Ah, Miss Schnee!" said Port, turning around to face her. "Are you here to try the Blinded Burning Beowolf challenge?"

"…No," said Weiss.

"Well that's a shame," said Port. "I guess I can still have Mr. Arc do the exercise next class…"

"I enjoyed your lecture today," continued Weiss.

"Yep, I _am_ pretty awesome at this whole teaching thing, aren't I?" said Port proudly. "It's always a pleasure to teach true Huntsmen and Huntresses like yourself."

"Yeah…" said Weiss slowly. "A true Huntress…"

"…Is something troubling you?" asked Port.

"Well…yeah…" said Weiss. "…I think I should have been made leader of Team RWBY."

"…Well, that's bullshit," said Port.

"WHAT?!" yelled Weiss.

"I trust Professor Ozpin with my life!" said Port. "The man's never led me wrong! He even paid my bail after that whole incident with the orphanage…"

"Why?!" asked Weiss.

"That orphanage was on fire when I got there!" yelled Port.

"No!" said Weiss. "Why blindly follow Ozpin when I'm _clearly_ an exceptional Huntress?"

"You _are_ an exceptional Huntress," said Port. "…With an _exceptionally_ poor attitude."

"Fuck you!" said Weiss angrily.

"Thanks for proving my point," said Port. "I see a girl who's spent her life getting everything she wanted."

Weiss thought for a moment.

" _Daddy?"_ she remembered her younger self asking. " _Can we go get ice cream?_ "

" _Do you still hate Faunus?_ " her father had asked.

" _If it will get me ice cream, sure!_ " said her younger self.

" _Good girl! Let me get my wallet!_ "

Weiss frowned. "…You may have a point there," she admitted.

"So you didn't get made leader," said Port. "Do you really believe that throwing childish tantrums would convince _anyone_ that you deserved to?"

"…I guess not…" said Weiss. "I just…I just wanted to be a leader, you know?"

Port smiled at Weiss. "Why drive yourself crazy over things you don't have? Savor what you _do_ have. Instead of focusing on the fact that you aren't leader, move past it. Accept that this decision cannot be changed and strive to not only be the best teammate you can be, but the best _person_ you can be."

"I…I'll try my best," said Weiss.

"That's all anyone can ask," said Port with a smile. "Now, if you'll excuse me!" He pulled out his battle-axe. "I need to conduct some research and see how much blunt force trauma an Ursa can take before its eyeballs pop out of its head!" He walked off with the axe slung over his shoulder, whistling merrily.

Weiss watched him go. She then turned and sat on a wooden bench and stared out into the distance, lost in her own thoughts.

 _Hours later_ :

Weiss opened the door to the dorm peered inside the room. She saw Blake and Yang's sleeping forms on their bunks and quietly crept inside.

She looked at the other side of the room, and a frown appeared on her face. "We never did fix my bed, did we?" she asked quietly.

Ruby's bunk was still on top of the shattered remains of Weiss's bed. Ruby herself was fast asleep in the bed, notes and books all around her.

Weiss awkwardly cleared her throat. "Ruby," she whispered, reaching out and nudging the younger girl. "Wake up."

"Zwei?" mumbled Ruby sleepily. "When did you start talking?"

"Ruby, it's Weiss," said Weiss.

"Weiss!" said Ruby, shooting up. She flailed her arms wildly, launching the pencil in her hand across the room, where it barely missed hitting Blake.

"I'm sorry!" said Ruby, now fully awake. "I was studying and Yang snores really loud and I rested my eyes for a second and then you woke me up and I nearly killed Blake with my pencil and-"

"Do you want some coffee?" asked Weiss.

"…Huh?" asked Ruby.

"Coffee," repeated Weiss. "Would you like some?"

"Sure?" asked Ruby.

Weiss pulled a mug of coffee out from behind her back.

"…Where did you get that?" asked Ruby.

"There's hidden coffee makers all around the school," explained Weiss. "I…I'm not sure why…"

 _Meanwhile_ :

"…Bart?" asked Ozpin as he poured himself another cup of coffee. "Do you think we have a problem with drinking too much coffee?"

The green haired man next to him sipped from his own mug. "Why do you ask? Is it because we're drinking from a coffee maker you hid inside Glynda's shower?"

"That's part of the reason, yes," confirmed Ozpin as he drank from his mug.

Professor Goodwitch, clad only in a towel and leaning against the sink, glared at the two. "Would you both please get the fuck out of my bathroom?!" she yelled.

 _Back in the room :_

"Thanks," said Ruby as she took the mug from Weiss. She paused as she was about to take a sip. "This…this isn't poisoned, right?"

"Don't tempt me," said Weiss seriously. She sighed and said, "Look…I _do_ think you have what it takes to be a good leader. Just know that _I'm_ going to be the best teammate you'll ever have."

"I mean…" began Ruby. "My sister _is_ on this team too so…"

"The. Best." Weiss repeated. She smiled and said, "Good luck studying. I'm going to set up some blankets on the floor and get some sleep."

Ruby thought for a moment and broke out into a big smile. "I have a better idea…"

 _A few minutes later_ :

"You are not telling anyone about this," said Weiss, who had changed into her pajamas. "Ever."

The two girls were laying on opposite sides of Ruby's bed. Weiss had insisted that they leave as much space as possible between them.

"…Want to cuddle?" asked Ruby.

"…Shut up and go to bed," said Weiss, throwing the covers up over her head.

* * *

 **Weiss eventually caved in on cuddling. But only if she was the big spoon.**


	11. Clashing with Cardin

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 11: Clashing with Cardin**

Jaune panted as sweat dripped down his forehead. His chest ached and he was painfully aware of his newly acquired bruises. His shield had been thrown to the opposite side of the room, leaving him with only his sword.

"What's wrong, Jauney-boy?" asked a smug voice. "You don't look so good."

Jaune looked up to see Cardin Winchester smirking at him, a huge mace slung over his shoulder.

"Maybe you should call it quits," said Cardin. "We both know you won't beat me."

"…Come on…come on…" muttered Jaune. He tightened his grip on his sword and rushed at Cardin with a furious yell.

Cardin stepped out of the way and stuck his foot out, tripping Jaune. The blond boy rolled back onto his feet and charged again, only to have his sword blocked by Cardin's mace.

"I'm gettin' bored here, Jaune," said Cardin, not even breaking a sweat. "I'm just going to end it here, 'kay?"

Jaune glared at the larger boy. "I'm not going down that-"

Cardin pushed his mace up, lifting Jaune's arm and throwing him off-balance. Cardin quickly threw a punch at Jaune, smashing his fist into Jaune's face. Blood spurted out of Jaune's nose as he fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Yes," said Cardin, kneeling down and wiping his bloody knuckles on Jaune's sweater, "You are."

 _Minutes Later_ :

Jaune groaned as he pinched his nose, trying to stop the bleeding. He was sitting on the ground and had two pieces of tissue stuffed up his nose. He looked up to see Professor Goodwitch standing between him and Cardin, who was looking bored.

"As you all can see," said Goodwitch, gesturing to the screens above them, "Mr. Arc's Aura levels have dropped into the red."

Jaune glanced up at the screens, which featured his and Cardin's pictures. Underneath his own picture, Jaune saw a small red bar. He looked over at Cardin's picture and saw that it was completely green. Jaune hadn't managed to get a single hit on the other boy."

In a tournament-style duel, this would mean he would lose the duel," continued Goodwitch. She gave Jaune an unimpressed look before turning and addressing the students who were watching. "Who can tell me what Mr. Arc did wrong?"

"He lost?" guessed Ruby.

"He lost his shield," said Blake.

"He keeps calling me Snow Angel!" called Weiss.

"He was born?" suggested Cardin.

Goodwitch shot him an annoyed glance. "He didn't check his aura levels on his scroll. Checking your aura level can help you develop strategies against stronger opponents."

"We can check our aura on these things?" asked Nora, pulling out her own scroll. "I just thought we could text and download games on them."

"Mr. Arc," said Professor Goodwitch, "It's been weeks and you've shown little improvement in combat. I would advise you to practice outside of class in order for you to catch up with the others. Perhaps some private lessons with me?" She pulled out her riding crop and gave it a lick. "I'll be sure to _whip_ you into shape…"

"Um…I think I'm ok?" said Jaune nervously. "Thanks for the offer though…I guess…"

"Cockblocked again…" muttered Goodwitch. She cleared her throat and addressed the rest of the room. "Remember everyone! The Vytal Festival is coming up in a couple of seasons! It won't be long before other students from other kingdoms start arriving in Vale, so keep practicing! Those who chose to compete in the combat tournament will be representing all of Vale." She turned to stare at Jaune. "So don't embarrass yourselves."

"Noted," muttered Jaune as the bell rang.

"I can't wait to beat up some foreigners!" said Yang as everyone started leaving the room. She blinked. "That didn't sound right, did it?"

"Nope," said Weiss. "Although, I must admit, I'm just as excited as you are. Just think of all the different cultures that we'll see at the Vytal Festival!"

"And all the cool weapons!" squealed Ruby. "I hope the students from the other kingdoms have weapons like…like…shotgun nunchuks!"

"How would something like that even work?" asked Blake. "Sounds a little ridiculous."

"Says the girl whose weapon is a gun, scythe, cleaver, and grappling hook," muttered Weiss.

"…Shouldn't we be concerned about Jaune?" asked Pyrrha as she gazed back at her leader. Jaune was still sitting on the stage, gazing at the screens sadly.

"Why?" asked Yang. "He has his sword and shield. While they're nothing compared to _these_ babies," she lifted up her arms, showing off her gauntlets, "They work just as well as any other weapon."

"I _mean_ , we should try to find a way to help him," said Pyrrha. "We can help him get better at combat."

"It might not be that simple," said Ren.

"What do you mean?" asked Pyrrha. "Jaune has potential. He helped up kill the Deathstalker, remember?"

"That's not what I mean," said Ren. "Jaune doesn't strike me as the type to easily accept help. You should let him approach you with the idea rather than the other way around."

"I don't know…" said Pyrrha. "I think-"

"You should listen to Ren!" said Nora. "He's great at reading a situation and figuring out what to do. There was this one time where-"

 _Thirty minutes later_ :

"And when the cops _finally_ caught up to us, Ren was able to convince them that we didn't commit the crime!" continued Nora. "Instead, he claimed that some asshole in a bowler hat robbed the museum!"

Teams RWBY and JNPR were in the cafeteria, sitting at a table. Nora was standing and excitedly telling her story to the others, who were barely paying attention.

"That was literally the worst night of my life," muttered Ren, holding a mug in his palm.

"I thought you said the worst night of your life was when my dad kicked open my bedroom door when we were-" began Nora.

" _Second_ worst night of my life," corrected Ren. "And I'm still not allowed to be alone with you when your dad's around…"

"What were you two doing alone in Nora's bedroom?" asked Yang, the only person who was really listening to the conversation.

"We were f-" began Nora, before Ren put his hand over her mouth and cut her off.

"Feeling like we should keep that incident private," said Ren quickly.

"Well, that's not sexy," said Yang, sighing in disappointment.

"Why would it be sexy?" asked Nora, pulling Ren's hand away from her mouth. "We were just fixing each other's makeup."

Ren blushed as Yang snickered. "It was just a little eyeliner to make my eyes pop. It's nothing that weird…"

Everyone else ignored the three as they were preoccupied with their own tasks. Blake was reading a book, Weiss was filing her nails, and Ruby and Pyrrha were casting sympathetic looks at Jaune, who was poking at his food with a depressed look on his face.

"…Jaune?" asked Pyrrha. "Are you…okay?"

"Huh?" asked Jaune after a few seconds. "Oh…yeah. Um…why do you ask?"

"No reason," said Pyrrha quickly. "It's just that you seem a little…"

"Miserable?" supplied Ruby.

Jaune was suddenly aware of everyone looking at him. He gave a nervous laugh and said, "Guys…I'm fine. Really, there's nothing to worry about. I'm not getting bullied or anything."

"No one said you _were_ getting bullied," observed Weiss, not pausing in her nail filing. "And since you brought it up, it means you probably _are_ getting bullied."

There was loud, obnoxious laughter coming from behind them. Jaune turned his head and saw Cardin and his team surrounding a small girl with brown hair and two long, brown bunny ears.

"Jaune," said Pyrrha, causing Jaune to turn his attention back to her, "Cardin has been picking on you since the first week of school."

"Who, Cardin?" asked Jaune with faux indifference. "Nah…he just…likes to mess with people."

"He's a bully," said Ruby.

"And a racist," pointed out Blake as she narrowed her eyes at Cardin.

"And an asshole," added Yang.

Jaune scoffed. "Name _one_ time Cardin's ever bullied me."

"He knocks your books out of your hands every time he passes you," said Pyrrha.

"He made your shield expand in a doorway and left you stuck for hours," added Ruby.

"He shoved you in a locker and launched it into the Emerald Forest," said Ren.

"He locked you outside wearing nothing but a towel," said Nora. She thought for a moment, "Which is weird, right? If he was going to lock you outside, you'd think he'd put pants on."

"I said _one_ time!" said Jaune. "And he shoved me into my own locker, which I've been looking for since the first day. Who knew I had the paper upside-down?"

"Jaune." Pyrrha put a hand on his shoulder. "You know if you ever need help, you can just ask."

"We'll break his legs!" said Nora excitedly.

"And arms!" said Yang.

"I know how to hide a body," added Blake helpfully.

"Guys, I'm fine," said Jaune, standing up. "It's not like I'm Cardin's favorite victim or anything. He's a dick to everyone."

"Ow!" said a voice.

Everyone turned their heads to see Cardin pulling on the brown-haired girl's rabbit ears.

"That hurts!" yelled the girl, tears coming to her eyes. "Stop, please!"

"I told you they were real!" said Cardin as his team guffawed. "What a freak!" He let go off the girl's ears and started laughing obnoxiously.

The girl quickly walked away, covering her face in embarrassment. As she passed the table everyone was sitting at, she tripped.

"I've got you," said Jaune, grabbing onto the girl and stopping her from falling. "Are you okay?" he asked kindly.

"F-fine…" muttered the girl, a blush on her face. "Thanks for catching me…"

Jaune smiled at her. "No problem. Always a pleasure to help a cute girl."

The girl blushed harder. "C-Cute? Me?" she mumbled. "Um…t-thanks again!" She quickly stepped away from Jaune and walked out of the cafeteria, her face burning red.

Yang whistled. "Damn…nice moves there, Ladykiller."

"What moves?" asked Jaune, genuinely confused. "I was just stopping her from falling."

"Why don't you ever act that charming usually?" asked Weiss.

Jaune smiled at her. "I'm always charming, Snow Angel."

Weiss snarled at him. "I would have thought _one_ ass-kicking would have been enough for you today. Do you really want a second one?"

Ruby nudged Weiss as Jaune's face fell. "Too mean," she whispered.

Weiss sighed and looked at Jaune. "Don't worry about it, Arc. That's why we're here, right? To get better?"

"I guess…" muttered Jaune.

"I can't stand people like Cardin," said Pyrrha, turning to glare at the boys at the other table.

"Treating people like that just because they're different…" hissed Blake.

"It's got to be rough to be a Faunus," said Yang.

"It is," said Blake.

Everyone stared at her.

"Um…that's what I read anyway…" she added quickly.

Jaune sighed and left the table, ignoring the others' concerned looks.

At the other table, Cardin watched Jaune leave, a cruel smirk on his face.

"Excuse me," said a quiet voice.

Cardin and his team turned around to see a giant, black-haired man staring down at them.

"My name is Yatsuhashi Daichi," said the man. "My team and I would like to talk to you about how you treat our friend, Velvet."

A dark-skinned boy with red hair stepped out from behind Yatsuhashi. His blank white eyes were narrowed at the four boys sitting at the table.

Cardin felt a hand rest on his shoulder. The hand squeezed tightly, causing him to gasp in pain. Looking behind him, Cardin saw a girl with a beret and sunglasses grinning down at him.

"Let's chat," said the girl, lowering her sunglasses in order to lock eyes with Cardin.

 _A Few Minutes Later_ :

Professor Goodwitch stared down at the remains of the table. The four armored boys were curled up on the ground, sobbing loudly.

"Not the handbag," cried Cardin. "Please no more handbag…"

"…Coco Adel," began Professor Goodwitch, "What did I tell you about mentally scarring other students?"

Coco and the two boys were standing off to the side, looking completely relaxed.

"To leave that to the teachers?" guessed Coco, idly checking her nails.

"…" Goodwitch sighed and rubbed her temples. "I don't get paid enough for this shit…"

* * *

 **The CFY of Team CFVY was let off the hook. Nobody, not even the professors, likes Team CRDL.**


	12. Pyrrha's Proposal

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 12: Pyrrha's Proposal**

"This was prior to the Faunus Rights Revolution, which is popularly known as the Faunus War," said the green-haired man as he raced around the classroom. "Humankind was adamant about centralizing the Faunus population in Menagerie. This was before humankind knew about the vast amount of gold in Menagerie though. By the way, the current value of gold is-"

The students in the classroom were scribbling down notes as they watched the man zoom around the room. Well…most of them, anyway.

From where she was sitting with Blake, Pyrrha looked down at the front row, where Jaune was fast asleep. "He needs to wake up," whispered Pyrrha. "What if Professor Oobleck catches him sleeping?"

" _Doctor_ Oobleck," corrected Blake.

"And why are none of us sitting with Jaune?" asked Pyrrha. She looked at Blake and said, "I mean, no offense or anything, but I'm not even on your team. Why am I sitting with you?"

"You said something about giving Jaune space," answered Blake. "Which I think is a good idea. You can't be with him all the time, you know. You have to leave him alone sometimes…like when he showers or something."

"…I feel like the peephole I put in the shower wall still lets me spend time with Jaune," said Pyrrha.

"Anyway, enough about the economic downturn of Vacuo," continued Oobleck. "Let's get back to the topic at hand. Humankind's conflicts with the Faunus are relatively recent events. Repercussions of the revolution can still be seen to this day." He paused to take a sip from the cup he was holding. "Now! Who here has felt discriminated because of your heritage?"

Several students, including Velvet and Cardin, raised their hands.

"…Mr. Winchester?" asked Oobleck. "You've been discriminated against?"

"Uh huh," said Cardin, who was sitting in the row above Jaune. "I feel like I've been treated unfairly, you know?"

"How so? If you don't mind me asking," said Oobleck.

Cardin smirked. "Well…someone as talented as me has to be stuck in a school with a bunch of animal freaks. It's like I'm in a zoo rather than a combat school."

The room went quiet as everyone stared at Cardin.

"...See me after class, Mr. Winchester," said Doctor Oobleck. "We need to discuss your punishment for being a racist douchebag." He turned to address the rest of the class. "Mr. Winchester's attitude is sadly commonplace. What we all need to realize is that these attitudes breed violence. Look at what happened to the White Fang for example." He took another sip from his cup. "Now, who can tell me what the turning point during the third year of the war was?"

Weiss, who was sitting behind Blake and Pyrrha, raised her hand. "The Battle at Fort Castle."

"Correct!" said Oobleck. "Now, who can tell me the advantage the Faunus had during that battle?"

Cardin looked down at the snoozing Jaune and smirked. He grabbed his textbook and threw it at Jaune's head, causing Jaune to slam his face into the table.

"Jesus!" yelled Jaune, holding his nose in pain.

"Mr. Arc!" said Oobleck, rushing over to him. "I'm going to take your loud yell to mean that you know the answer! What is it?"

"Uh…" faltered Jaune. "The advantage of the Faunus…was…"

Pyrrha waved her arms frantically, getting Jaune's attention. She pointed to her eyes.

"…Eyelashes…no…eyeballs!" said Jaune.

Blake covered her eyes with her hands and pretended to stumble around.

"Blindness…blindfold…sunglasses…" guessed Jaune.

Velvet sighed and held up a sign with the words "Night Vision" on it.

"…Signs? M. Night Shyamalan? Disappointing movies?" guessed Jaune.

Doctor Oobleck stared at him for a moment before sighing. "Mr. Arc, are you mocking me by pretending to be an idiot?"

"What? No!" said Jaune quickly. "I really _am_ an idiot!"

"Tell me about it," said Cardin loudly. "The answer is obvious. All the animals needed was some proper training."

"…God, you really _are_ a racist douchebag, aren't you?" asked Pyrrha.

"You got a problem with me?" asked Cardin.

"Yes, but I have the answer too," said Pyrrha. "It's night vision. Faunus are known for being able to see in the dark."

"General Legume was inexperienced and tried to ambush the Faunus in their sleep," added Blake. "It was a humiliating defeat that would portray the General as an incompetent failure."

Cardin glared at Blake. "You know, General Legume _was_ my great-grandfather."

"The family resemblance is stunning," said Blake.

Cardin growled and got up from his seat. In an instant, Doctor Oobleck was in front of him.

"Mr. Winchester," said Oobleck. He lowered his glasses and glared at the boy. "Take. Your. Seat."

Cardin grumbled and sat back down.

"Good," said Oobleck, walking back to the front of the room. "You _and_ Mr. Arc will stay after class. We need to talk."

 _Later_ :

Ren, Pyrrha, and Nora walked out of Oobleck's classroom. Pyrrha sighed as she looked back into the room, where Jaune and Cardin were standing in front of Oobleck's desk.

"Do you want to stay and wait for Jaune?" asked Nora. "We can wait with you!"

Pyrrha shook her head. "No, there's no reason for all of us to stay. You two go on ahead, I'll wait for him."

"…Ok," said Nora. She reached out and grabbed Ren's arm. "Come on, Renny! Let's go put some more makeup on you!"

"But I already let you put some blush on me this morning!" said Ren as he was dragged away.

Inside the classroom, Jaune and Cardin watched as Doctor Oobleck paced behind his desk. "You two have been struggling in this class since day one," he said. "I don't know if it's a lack of interest or your stubbornness and, frankly, I don't care. You're both training to become Huntsmen. More than that, you are the leaders of your respective teams," He turned to face the two of them. "So act like it. Or there _will_ be more consequences aside from extra homework. Understand?"

"Yes sir," muttered Jaune and Cardin.

"Excellent," said Oobleck. He walked over to his globe and opened it, revealing a coffee maker inside. He poured himself a mug and said, "You both will review the chapter and write an essay about it. The essay is due by the next class. You're dismissed."

Jaune and Cardin walked out of the classroom. As soon as they were out of Oobleck's sight, Cardin pushed Jaune to the floor and walked away.

Pyrrha rushed forward and helped Jaune back up. "I think we should give some serious thought to Blake's hiding the body idea," she said.

Jaune chuckled but soon fell silent, a depressed look appearing on his face.

Pyrrha looked at Jaune sympathetically. "Um…I have an idea…" she said.

"It's not your co-ed shower thing, is it?" asked Jaune. "Look, I know Ren and Nora are fine with it, but-"

"It's not that!" said Pyrrha, blushing slightly. "Although I do think that idea warrants further discussion…" She shook her head and grabbed Jaune's arm. "Follow me!" she said. She ran off, dragging Jaune with her.

After a few minutes, Pyrrha came to a stop in front of a door. She opened it and Jaune followed her out onto a roof.

Jaune looked over the edge and said, "…You didn't drag me up here so I could commit suicide, did you?"

"No!" shrieked Pyrrha, pulling Jaune away from the edge. "I don't want to be a widow at seventeen!"

"Widow?" asked Jaune, confused. "We're not married…"

Pyrrha blushed. "I-I meant in a…partner sense?"

"Oh!" said Jaune. He nodded his head and said, "Makes sense."

"It does?" asked Pyrrha. She laughed and said, "Of _course_ it does!" She frowned and said, "Jaune…I know you've been having a tough time in class and you're not the strongest of fighters…so…I want to help!"

"Help?" asked Jaune.

"Yeah!" said Pyrrha. "We can train up here after class! Just me…a-and you…alone…together…where anything can happen…" She blushed and started breathing heavy as various X-rated scenarios played out in her head.

"You…think I need help?" asked Jaune quietly.

"Huh?" asked Pyrrha, snapping out of her perverted reverie.

"You said that I need help," said Jaune.

"Wait…I…no! That's not what I meant!" said Pyrrha frantically. She sighed and said, "Jaune, everyone needs a little extra push every now and again."

Jaune chuckled quietly and turned away from her. "I'm going to need a lot more than just a _little_ push, Pyrrha…"

"What do you mean?" asked the girl. "You got accepted to Beacon. That speaks volumes of what-"

"I didn't get accepted to Beacon," said Jaune suddenly. "At least…not really."

"Jaune?" asked Pyrrha. "What do you-"

"I didn't go to combat school, ok?" yelled Jaune. "I didn't pass any tests, I didn't _earn_ my place here. I lied…" He turned back around and locked eyes with Pyrrha. "I lied…" he repeated quietly.

"…Why?" asked Pyrrha. "You could've been killed during initiation. Why would you take that risk?"

"This is what I wanted to be," said Jaune. "This is what _everyone_ in my family has been! And growing up…hearing all those stories about heroes…I just…I just wanted to be a part of that…"

"...Then let me help," pleaded Pyrrha. "You _are_ good enough to be here, you just need a little help-"

"I don't _want_ help!" yelled Jaune. "I don't want to keep being the idiot that keeps making mistakes while his friends pay the price. We got lucky with the Deathstalker, what happens when an even bigger Grimm attacks?! I can't help anyone…not like this…" He sighed and closed his eyes. "…I need to get stronger, I know that. But if I can't do this on my own…then what good am I?"

"Jaune…" said Pyrrha. She stepped forward and reached out to grab his arm. "I-"

"Pyrrha," interrupted Jaune, stepping back. "Just…just don't. Ok? I can handle this but just…leave me alone."

Pyrrha's hand dropped and she stepped back as well. "O-oh…well…alright. I'll just…I'll be in the room if you need me…" She turned and slowly walked back to the door. With one last sad look at Jaune, she left the roof.

Jaune watched Pyrrha leave. "Great…" he muttered. "Now I feel useless _and_ horrible all at once." He gazed up at the night sky and sighed. "What do I do now?"

"Well," said a voice, "If I were you, I'd do _anything_ to make sure no one found out I snuck into Beacon."

Jaune jumped and turned around, coming face-to-face with Cardin, who was pulling himself onto the roof. "Cardin?! How did you get here?"

"This roof is right above my dorm room, Jauney-boy!" said Cardin, smirking at Jaune. "I couldn't help but hear your little problem and I want to help."

"You. Help me?" asked Jaune skeptically.

"I'm hurt," said Cardin, sniffing. "Well…if you don't want my help, I guess I can always tell Goodwitch that you snuck in…"

Jaune's eyes went wide. "W-wait! I'll do what you want, just don't tell anyone!"

"Hmm…" said Cardin, pretending to think about it. "Well…I'm still a little hurt by your accusation, Jaune. If only there was something you could…" He snapped his fingers and smirked. "Tell you what, how about you do Oobleck's essay in order to make it up to me?"

"…Fine," said Jaune tiredly.

"Good boy!" said Cardin. "How about you bring it by my dorm? We can talk more about our little… _friendship_." He started climbing back down to his room.

"…Fuck," muttered Jaune.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Nora and Ren looked at each other in concern. "Um…Pyrrha?" asked Ren. "Are you alright?"

Pyrrha was lying face-down on her bed, her face hidden in her pillow. She sniffed and mumbled, "I didn't really want to be divorced at seventeen either…"

* * *

 **Really Pyrrha? You go to the trouble of finding a roof for Jaune and you _don't_ check for bullies? Tsk, tsk...**


	13. Jaune's Sappy Choice

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 13: Jaune's Sappy Choice**

Pyrrha sighed as she looked out the window of Team JNPR's dorm. It had been a week since her offer to train Jaune, and things were still awkward between them. Even worse, Jaune had started hanging out with Team CRDL instead of his own team.

Pyrrha heard the sound of a bed squeaking behind her. "Ren!" she heard Nora call out breathlessly. "Ren! Ren! Ren! REN!"

Pyrrha turned around and saw Nora jumping on Ren's bed. Ren was sitting at the edge of his bed, polishing his guns.

"Nora…" he said tiredly. "How many times have I told you not to jump on the bed while I clean StormFlower? What if I accidently pulled the trigger…again?"

"It's fine…" said Nora, patting Ren's head as she jumped up and down. "Besides, Jaune threw himself to the ground in time." She stopped jumping and rested her hand on Ren's head. "Speaking of, why does Jaune get home so late now?"

"Because he's been fraternizing with Cardin," said Ren. He leaned his head back and looked at Nora with a curious expression. "You already knew that, though. Why'd you ask?"

Nora ruffled his hair. "I like listening to you talk." She chuckled as Ren blushed and went back to his cleaning. "Seriously, though, we have a field trip tomorrow. Doesn't Jaune know we need our rest?" Nora fell backwards, her head landing perfectly on Ren's pillow.

"I'm sure Jaune knows _exactly_ what he's doing," growled Pyrrha. "He wants to do things _on his own_ after all." She turned away from the window, seething as she glared at Jaune's empty bed.

"I guess…" yawned Nora.

"…If you're going to fall asleep, do it on your own bed," said Ren, poking Nora's side.

In the hallway outside, Jaune sighed and closed the door to the dorm room. He had opened it a crack and was going to go inside when his team's words stopped him. He sighed and looked at the floor.

"Hey Jaune!" said a chipper voice.

Jaune turned around and saw Ruby, who was dressed in her pajamas. She waved and said, "Long time no see! Did you lock yourself out again? Don't worry! I'll knock on the door and let your team know that-"

"No!" said Jaune suddenly, making Ruby jump. He chuckled nervously and held up his scroll. "I…uh…I've got it, Ruby. Thanks."

"Oh…ok?" said Ruby hesitantly. After a few awkward moments of silence, she asked, "So…where have you been lately? We don't really see you all that much anymore."

"W-what do you mean?" asked Jaune. "We see each other every day, Ruby. You know that…" He scratched the back of his neck, unable to look Ruby in the eyes.

"Jaune," said Ruby.

Jaune sighed. "…I messed up, Ruby. I did something I shouldn't have."

"…Are you on drugs?" asked Ruby.

"What? No!" replied Jaune. "I'm not on drugs. Cardin knows my secret and now Pyrrha hates me and…" He sighed. "…I'm starting to think coming to Beacon was a bad idea…" He sat down on the floor. "I'm a failure."

"…I don't think so," said Ruby. She stepped forward. "You're a leader, Jaune. You're not allowed to be a failure."

"Some leader…" muttered Jaune. "I can't even work up the nerve to go talk to my team."

"Jaune, your team members are a world-famous champion, a crazy girl with a massive hammer, and a guy that hides guns in his sleeves," said Ruby, sitting down next to him. "I don't blame you for being nervous when you've upset them. But that doesn't change the fact that they're looking to you for leadership. They're counting on you."

"Ha…no pressure or anything," said Jaune, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall.

"There _is_ pressure on you," said Ruby, nudging him with her shoulder. "There's pressure on me too. Every leader has to be responsible for their team's safety. That's why you _can't_ be a failure anymore. If we fail, we'll bring our teams down with us. Your team deserves a great leader, Jaune. I think that can be you."

Jaune eyed her for a moment. "…When did you get so smart?" he asked.

"I've always been smart, Jaune," said Ruby. "I was able to figure out how to put a sniper rifle inside of a scythe, after all." She got up and walked to her room. "Good night, Jaune."

"Night," said Jaune, watching her enter her room. He got up and faced his own door. "Ok…Ruby's right. I need to tell them what's going on…" he muttered. He reached for his door.

" _Well come on an' let me know, should I stay or should I go?_ "

Jaune jumped as he heard his scroll's ringtone. Quickly grabbing it from his belt, he opened it and saw that he had a new message from Cardin. Sighing, Jaune clicked on the message.

" _Hey 'buddy', it's Cardin. You're probably busy with that Dust project I gave you, but I need you to go out and get me a great big box of Rapier Wasps. Be careful though! Those little fucks are deadly!_ "

Jaune sighed and put his scroll back on his belt. Looking back at the door to his room, he muttered, "Tomorrow for sure…" He walked down the wall, dreading the stingers of the wasps.

 _The next day_ :

"Pyrrha, please listen to me!" said Jaune as he tried to keep up with his partner while simultaneously carrying a box and several empty jars. Their feet crunched the red leaves that littered the forest floor. "I need to tell you that-"

"Ren? Nora?" said Pyrrha, cutting him off. "Did you hear something? All I hear is a high-pitched whining noise."

"But Weiss is ahead of us..." said Nora, pointing down the path.

"Really? Let's go join her then." She gave Jaune an angry look. " _Friends_ should stick together, after all." Pyrrha marched off, leaving Jaune with Ren and Nora. Nora ran after Pyrrha, and Ren shot a sympathetic look at Jaune before running to catch up.

Jaune sighed and looked up. "At least the view's nice…" he muttered, taking in the red-leaved trees all around him.

There was a painful clap on his back. "Hey there, Jauney-boy!" said an irritatingly familiar voice.

Jaune turned around to see Cardin and his team smirking at him.

"I see you've got our supplies," said Cardin. "Good. And don't worry about Nikos, alright? You're gonna be hanging out with us today."

"Yay," muttered Jaune.

"Keep up boys!" yelled Professor Goodwitch.

The five boys hurried down the path and rejoined the main group. Goodwitch, Team RWBY, and the rest of Team JNPR were waiting for them.

"I know Forever Fall is beautiful, but you need to stay with the group," said Goodwitch. "We're not here to sightsee. You all have an assignment from Professor Peach to collect samples of tree sap and I'm here to make sure you don't fuck it up."

"Professor?" asked Ruby, raising her hand. "Who's Professor Peach?"

"Yeah," chimed in Yang. "We've only had classes with you, Professor Port, and Professor-"

"Doctor," interrupted Blake.

" _Doctor_ Oobleck," finished Yang.

"…Each of you needs to gather one jar of red sap," said Goodwitch, ignoring the two sisters. "Be careful though, this forest is full of the creatures of Grimm."

"…Is that supposed to be different than _anywhere_ else on Remnant?" asked Yang. "Those fuckers are everywhere we go."

"Be sure to stay by your teammates," continued Goodwitch, still ignoring Yang. "We'll meet back here at four o'clock. Try not to die."

Teams JNPR and RWBY walked away, leaving Team CRDL and Jaune alone. Cardin grabbed Jaune's hood and strode into the forest, pulling the blond boy with him. The rest of Team CRDL followed, scratching themselves and talking about typical henchmen things.

 _An hour later_ :

Team CRDL sat around, scratching themselves and talking about typical bully things.

"…And that's why you always wash your hands after giving someone a wedgie," explained Russel Thrush, running a hand through his mohawk.

The rest of Team CRDL clapped and muttered compliments to their team member.

"Excellent point Russel," said Cardin, who was leaning against a tree. He glanced down at a notebook in his hand. "The next item on our agenda is a discussion on the best way to take someone's lunch money headed by our good friend, Sky Lark."

Sky opened his mouth to speak, but a loud sneeze cut him off. Jaune stumbled into the clearing, holding six jars of sap. He set the jars down and fell on his face.

"Good work, Jauney-boy!" said Cardin. "But you could have been a bit faster with getting these, you know?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this stuff…" Jaune wheezed.

"Wimp," said Cardin. He stood up and strode over to Jaune. "Jaune, I bet you're wondering why I had you get _six_ jars of sap when there's only five of us."

"Because God hates me?" asked Jaune.

"Partly," agreed Cardin. "But I have something special planned for _that_ jar of sap. Something I think you're gonna enjoy. Follow me…"

Cardin led them all to the edge of a cliff. "Look down there," he commanded.

Jaune and the others looked down and saw Team RWBY and the rest of Team JNPR collecting sap in the clearing below.

"Ok, Nora," said Ren as he handed her a full jar of sap, "This one is yours. Now, don't eat it this ti-"

"Did you say something, Ren?" asked Nora, sap around her mouth and an empty jar in her hands.

"...Apparently not," said Ren, grabbing the jar from her.

Jaune looked over at Cardin. "…What are we doing here?"

"Getting some payback," answered Cardin, not taking his eyes off the group below. "On Know-It-All Nikos and that Belladonna bitch." He reached behind his back and pulled out a box, which was buzzing and shaking. "Alright guys, last night Jaune was able to get a box full of Rapier Wasps. We're about to put them to work."

"…Cardin?" asked one of the other boys.

"Yes Dove?" replied Cardin.

"Where were you keeping that box?" asked Dove curiously.

"No more questions!" said Cardin, standing up. "Now is the time for action!" He gestured to the box. "This things love sweets…" He pulled Jaune up and shoved the jar of sap into his hands. "So you're going to throw this down there and let those wasps loose on those losers."

"But-" began Jaune.

" _Or_ ," said Cardin, "I could have a chat with Goodwitch. Your choice."

Jaune gulped and looked down at the others. He raised the jar and prepared to throw it.

A few seconds went by and Jaune hadn't done anything.

"Come on, Arc!" said Cardin. "Nikos brushed you off today like you were just a pest! She deserves this! Think about the way she's treated you."

Jaune's eyes widened as memories of Pyrrha played in his head.

" _Sorry about that. I'm Pyrrha..._ "

" _I think you'd make a great leader…_ "

"… _love…I said I'm sorry!_ "

" _I used my Aura to unlock yours. It will protect you…"_

" _If you ever need help, you can just ask…_ "

" _Jaune, I love the way your hair looks after a shower. N-not that I've been spying on you in the shower or anything…_ "

" _You_ are _good enough to be here_ …"

" _Whenever I think of you, how I wish you only knew, you might be my dream come true…_ "

Jaune blinked and looked around as music played.

"Sky, I told you to turn your scroll off whenever we're plotting to get revenge on people!" said Cardin.

"Sorry!" said Sky, turning off the music.

Cardin rolled his eyes and turned back to Jaune. "Are you gonna throw it or not?!"

"…No," said Jaune.

"…What did you just say?" asked Cardin.

"I said, NO!" yelled Jaune, turning and throwing the sap at Cardin. The jar shattered against Cardin's chest, covering him with sap.

Cardin looked down at his sap-covered armor. "…I really hate it when my armor gets messy," he muttered. "Look at all this sap and blood all over it."

"Um…" said Jaune, confused. "You don't _have_ blood on you."

Cardin looked up and narrowed his eyes at Jaune. "Not _yet_ ," he growled, taking a step forward.

* * *

 **I know what you must be asking yourself. And I've got the answer for you.**

 **Cardin's armor _is_ dry-clean only.**

 **There. Now you can rest easy.**


	14. Jaune Bears It All

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 14: Jaune Bears It All**

"Ruby!" yelled Weiss. "Stop eating your sap!"

Ruby squeaked and quickly pulled her cookie out of the jar of sap. "But Weiss!" she whined. "Nora's been eating every single jar Ren hands to her and she hasn't got into trouble!"

"I don't care if Nora's not getting into trouble," said Weiss, "You don't see anyone else eating the sap, do you?" She sighed and turned to Yang, whose back was facing them. "Yang, please tell your sister not to eat the sap."

Yang's form froze. "Um…" she said slowly. There was a swallowing sound. "Ruby, don't eat your sap!"

"…Yang," said Weiss, "Please turn around."

Yang slowly turned around and faced the two girls. There was a ring of sap around her mouth as she smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," she said to Weiss, "But this stuff is really tasty."

Weiss sighed and rubbed her temples. "Well…at least I can count on Blake to not snack on her sap."

The three of them turned and locked eyes with Blake, who was lapping up her sap with her tongue. The black-haired girl froze as everyone stared at her. "…I'm not stopping," she said before going back to licking at her sap.

As Weiss started yelling at her team, Nora walked over to Pyrrha, who was silently staring at the ground. "Pyrrha?" asked Nora. "Can I talk to you?"

Pyrrha looked up and smiled at Nora, "I'm not giving you any more sap, Nora," she said teasingly.

"It's not that," said Nora. "Besides, I already ate Weiss's sap when she wasn't looking. What I wanted to ask you is…" She trailed off, fidgeting nervously. "Do…do you hate Jaune?"

Pyrrha sighed and closed her eyes. "…No, I don't hate him. I'm disappointed and unhappy with him, but I don't hate him."

"…It seemed like he wanted to apologize earlier," said Nora. "Maybe you should listen to what he has to say."

"…I guess I wasn't right for ignoring him, was I?" asked Pyrrha, more to herself than to Nora. "I was just frustrated with him." She opened her eyes and gave Nora a small smile. "Don't worry. When this trip is over, I'll listen to what Jaune has to say. Who knows? Maybe he had some sense knocked into him."

 _Meanwhile_ :

Cardin's fist slammed into the side of Jaune's face, knocking him to the ground. Cardin stalked towards the fallen boy and lifted him up by his collar. He balled his fist and punched Jaune square in the face, throwing him to the ground again.

"You know, that _really_ wasn't very smart, Jaune," growled Cardin, picking him up again. "Now you're just hitting yourself over and over again."

"You're the one hitting me…" groaned Jaune, who had large bruises on his face.

"Now Jaune," said Cardin, "Don't lie. You've brought this on yourself."

Jaune rolled his eyes at the other boy, before giving him a defiant glare. "Look, I don't care what you do to me. But I'm not letting you hurt my friends."

"Ooh, scary," said Cardin sarcastically. "You think _you_ can help them? After I beat your face in, I'm just going to go after them next. Now, hold still," Cardin balled his fist and prepared to punch Jaune again, "I want to make this hurt as much as possible." Cardin brought his fist forward and connected with Jaune's face.

Something strange happened. A bright light flashed as Cardin's fist hit Jaune, blinding everyone. Cardin gasped and dropped Jaune. He clutched his hand, wincing. "What the shit? It feels like I just punched a brick wall…"

Jaune sat up in surprise. The pain in his face had disappeared completely. He looked down at his hands, which seemed to glow white. The glow dimmed down until it faded completely. "What?" he muttered.

An armored foot kicked his back, making him fall forward. He looked up at Cardin, Dove, and Russel as they smirked down at him.

"Let's see how much of a man you _really_ are," said Cardin.

Jaune stared at him. "…Did you mean to make that sound as homoerotic as you did? Because, while I _am_ flattered, I don't really swing that way."

"What?" asked Cardin. "Shut up! I'm not gay!"

"It's alright, man," said Dove, resting his hand on Cardin's shoulder. "We'll accept you no matter what."

"That's right," said Russel. "We don't judge people." He thought for a moment. "…Alright, we judge the Faunus, but we won't think any less of _you_ for your life choices."

Cardin sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Just…just beat the shit out of Arc, ok?"

There was a loud roar from behind them. They all turned around and saw a massive Ursa stomping its way into the clearing.

"A bear!" yelled Sky. "It must be after Cardin!"

"What should we do?" asked Dove.

"Keep an eye out for any otters!" yelled Russel. "We don't want them getting behind us!"

"For the last goddamn time, I am not _gay_!" yelled Cardin. He gestured down at his sap-covered armor. "It's probably after the sap!" He grabbed his mace and said, "We can take this thing, alright? We just have to stay together!"

There was only silence behind him.

"…Guys?" he questioned, not taking his eyes off the Ursa.

"Yeah, they all ran away while you were talking," said Jaune.

"THEY WHAT?!" screamed Cardin, turning around.

The Ursa took advantage of Cardin's distracted state and swiped at him with its claws. Cardin grunted as he was thrown to the side, losing his mace as he slammed into the ground.

Jaune's eyes went from Cardin's fallen form to the Ursa, as the massive Grimm took a step towards him. The Grimm stared at Jaune for a second. Then it rolled its eyes and changed direction, heading for Cardin instead.

"What?" asked Jaune. "Hey!" he yelled at the Ursa. "Am I not good enough for you?!"

The Ursa froze and turned its head to look at Jaune.

"…Never mind," said Jaune quickly, "Go eat Cardin."

 _Meanwhile_ :

Sky and Dove ran past Teams RWBY and JNPR, screaming their heads off. Russel ran after them, yelling, "Ursa! Ursa!"

Yang stepped in Russel's path, causing him to crash into her. Yang pulled his head out of her cleavage and asked, "What do you mean, Ursa?"

"W-we were…and sap…and wasps…and…" stammered Russel.

"Not talkin', eh?" asked Yang. "We'll see about that!" She pressed Russel's face against her chest and held him there for a minute or two. When she saw that Russel's face was turning blue, she pulled him away and demanded, "Ursa! Talk! Or do you want to go back in _here_?!" She bounced up and down, making her chest jiggle.

Russel coughed and took deep gulps of air, trying to get his breath back. "God," he muttered, "That was like two giant pillows smothering me…"

Yang growled, her eyes turning red.

Russel squeaked in fear and said quickly, "There's a huge Ursa in the clearing above the cliff! It's got Cardin!"

"That means it has Jaune!" gasped Pyrrha.

Russel nodded before turning back to Yang. He gave her a smile and ran his hand through his mohawk. "Now," he said, "About putting my head back in-between your ti-"

Yang rolled her eyes and threw Russel behind her.

"What should we do?" asked Blake.

"You and Yang go find Professor Goodwitch," said Ruby.

"Good idea," said Pyrrha. She turned to Nora and Ren and said, "You two go with them. There could be more Grimm around."

"I suppose that leaves us to rescue that blond buffoon?" asked Weiss, pulling out Myrtenaster.

"He's not a buffoon!" said Pyrrha.

Ruby patted her shoulder. "It's alright," she said soothingly, "Insulting people is how Weiss shows affection."

"It is not," argued Weiss. "Don't say stupid things like that, you little dunce."

"Love you too, Weiss!" said Ruby happily.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Cardin's back hit the ground again, having been hit by the Ursa's claws. "Damn it…" he muttered. "It would be great to have my teammates right about now…" He started crawling backwards.

Ruby, Pyrrha, and Weiss stopped just before they entered the clearing. From their spot by the trees, they saw the Ursa charge at Cardin. It stood up on its hind legs and swung a claw at the fallen boy.

There was a metallic clang as the monster's claws hit a white shield.

Cardin turned around. His eyes grew wide as he saw Jaune standing in front of him, blocking the Ursa's claws with his shield. "Holy shit…" he muttered.

"Holy shit…" said Weiss.

"Holy shiz…" said Ruby.

"He's so cool!" said Pyrrha breathlessly, a blush on her face.

Jaune threw off the Ursa's claws and slashed it with his sword. The force of the blow was strong enough to make the Ursa stagger backwards. The Grimm got its balance back and swung its claws at Jaune, who rolled out of the way.

"We have to help!" said Weiss, brandishing her rapier.

"Hold on!" said Pyrrha, stopping her. "Let him handle it."

"But-" began Weiss, looking at the scene worriedly.

"Pyrrha's right, Weiss," said Ruby. She smiled and said, "Jaune's got this…"

Jaune jumped into the air, dodging another swipe from the Ursa. Unfortunately, the Ursa swung its other arm while Jaune was in mid-air and got him in the chest. Jaune was thrown to the ground next to Cardin, but rolled back on his feet. He ran back towards the Ursa, stumbling a bit. He jumped into the air, but was batted away.

"…But if Jaune looks like he's going to lose, we'll rush in and rescue him," continued Ruby, Crescent Rose in her hands.

"Agreed," said Weiss, her knuckles white as she gripped Myrtenaster.

"Mm-hmm," said Pyrrha, her rifle out and pointed at the Ursa.

Jaune got up and check his scroll, which was stuck on his shield. He frowned as he noticed his Aura was in the red. "Shit…" he muttered. He looked up and saw the Ursa stop in front of him. The monster roared at him, as though daring him to continue.

Jaune glared at the Ursa. "I'm not going down that easy," he muttered. Raising his sword and shield, Jaune charged at the Ursa. Seeing the boy run at it, the Ursa stood on its hind legs and prepared to swing its claws at Jaune.

Pyrrha's eyes widened as she observed the situation. Years of combat experience had taught her how to think in an instant about what her opponents were going to do and where their blows would land.

In the seconds that took Jaune to reach the Ursa, Pyrrha could see that Jaune's shield wasn't raised high enough to block the strike. With his Aura as low as Pyrrha suspected it was, the Ursa's claws would rip Jaune's face off if the blow landed.

"Don't fuck with my property," she muttered as she raised her hand and activated her Semblance.

Jaune's shield seemed to move on its own. It raised itself up, allowing Jaune to block the Ursa's strike. Jaune slammed a foot into the ground in order to catch his balance and swung his sword up. The sword cleaved through the Grimm's neck, decapitating it.

Pyrrha sighed in relief as she lowered her hand.

Ruby stared at Pyrrha's hand and said, "…What the truck just happened?"

"…What did you just do?" asked Weiss. "Was that your Semblance?"

"…Ruby has her speed, you have your glyphs, Ren makes heads explode," listed off Pyrrha, "I have polarity."

"I see," said Ruby. "So you're a pole dancer."

"I only did that for the exercise, I swear!" said Pyrrha quickly.

"It means she control magnetism, you idiot," said Weiss.

Pyrrha looked at Jaune as he walked over to Cardin. "…We should go," she said.

"What? Why?" asked Weiss.

"Yeah!" said Ruby. "You have to tell Jaune you helped him!"

"Let's just keep that our little secret," said Pyrrha.

"Oh…" said Ruby. "Like how Weiss and I cuddled when we slept together?"

Weiss blushed and smacked Ruby upside the head. "We _shared_ a bed because mine was broken! Don't make it sound weird! And I told you to never mention that again!" Seeing Pyrrha's amused smirk, Weiss glared at her and said, "Mention this to anyone, and I'll tell Jaune about your little peepshows while he's in the shower."

"My lips are sealed," said Pyrrha quickly. She turned and walked away, with Weiss and Ruby following her.

Jaune reached down and helped Cardin back onto his feet. "You alright?" he asked.

"Y-yeah…" said Cardin. "Thanks Ar…Jaune. Thank you Jaune."

Jaune nodded before giving Cardin a glare. "Don't mess with my team or my friends again. Got it?"

"…Yeah," said Cardin. "You got it. And don't worry about the sneaking into Beacon. The least I can do is keep your secret for you."

"Thanks," said Jaune. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "We should probably go back and meet up with everyone else."

"Um…" said Cardin. He blushed and looked down at himself. "I…I sort of…"

Jaune looked down at Cardin's pants. "Oh…" he said. He reached into the pocket of his sweater and pulled out some jeans. He held them out to Cardin. "Extra pants."

 _Hours later_ :

Jaune, dressed back in his uniform, was standing on the roof. He stared out at the night sky and sighed, going over what he wanted to say in his head.

"You didn't ask me up here so you could commit suicide, did you?" asked a voice.

Jaune turned and saw Pyrrha walk onto the roof. He chuckled and said, "Not quite." He grew serious and scratched the back of his head. "Pyrrha…I…I'm sorry. I was an asshole. You offered me help and I just brushed you off. I…"

"Jaune." Pyrrha stepped forward, staring into his eyes. "It's ok. I'm sorry too. You tried explaining yourself and I outright ignored you."

Jaune chuckled humorlessly. "I guess I got a taste of my own medicine, huh? I haven't really been much of a leader these past couple of days."

"Then come back to the room," suggested Pyrrha. "We miss you." She started walking back to the door and said, "Ren's making pancakes if you want some."

"Pancakes?" asked Jaune. "It's 9 o'clock."

"Nora's very…um…persuasive," said Pyrrha.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Ren was in the kitchen, spatula in hand, waiting for the pancake batter to cook.

"Ren," said a voice. A finger poked his side. "Ren." Poke. "Ren." Poke. "Ren Ren." Poke Poke. "Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren Ren…"

"Nora, I am making the pancakes. You can stop." said Ren, his eye twitching.

There was silence for a few precious seconds.

"Are they done yet?" Poke. "Are they done yet?" Poke.

 _On the roof_ :

"Pyrrha, wait!" yelled Jaune. When Pyrrha turned around to look at him, he rubbed his arm nervously. "I…I know I don't deserve this, but…would you still be willing to help me? O-only if you want to, though. I don't want to force you to-"

Pyrrha stepped towards him and pushed him to the ground.

"Hey!" said Jaune, sitting up. "A-are you still mad?"

"Your stance is wrong," said Pyrrha with a smirk. "We'll work more on that tomorrow. For now though…" She held out a hand and helped Jaune back up. "I think you've spent more than enough time away from your team, don't you?"

Jaune smiled. He walked towards Pyrrha and pulled her into a hug. "Thanks Pyrrha," he whispered, holding her close. "You're the best."

"N-no problem…" said Pyrrha, her face bright red.

Jaune stepped back and smiled at her. "I'll race you to the room!" he said, running off.

Pyrrha stood frozen, going over what had just happened in her head. A huge smile came to her face and she quietly squealed in delight.

"Did you say something Pyrrha?" asked Jaune, sticking his head back out the door.

"No," said Pyrrha quickly, regaining her composure. "Nothing!"

* * *

 **For those wondering why Ruby no longer swears, I have two answers.**

 **The in-universe answer is that Yang washed her mouth out with soap the last time she did.**

 **The out-of-universe answer is that, for Rooster Teeth's Extra Life Stream, Lindsey Jones read, as Ruby, part of 50 Shades of Gray and censored the swear words in it.**

 **And now you know, and knowing is half the battle.**

 **GI JOE!**


	15. Sun and Secrets

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 15: Sun and Secrets**

"Are you sure Professor Port said it was okay to skip class today?" asked Ruby as she and her team walked through downtown Vale.

"Of course!" said Yang, walking backwards so she could look at her little sister. "You know Port. He's probably just going to tell some stories or something."

 _Meanwhile_ :

The class watched as Professor Port clutched the class roster, a serious expression on his face.

"Um…sir?" asked Jaune. "Are you alright?"

"Mr. Arc…" growled Port. "Where is Team RWBY?"

"Their door was shut when we left for class," said Jaune.

"We thought they'd already left," added Pyrrha.

"…They're skipping my class," concluded Port. He gently put the class roster back on his desk and walked over to wall where his axe was hanging. He ripped it off the wall and turned it to the gun end. "No one _ever_ fucking skips my class," he growled, cocking the gun. He strode forward and kicked the door to the classroom off its hinges. He marched out, leaving the class alone.

"…So, can we leave, or...?" asked Nora.

 _Back in Vale_ :

"I'm positive it will be okay, little sister," said Yang, patting Ruby on the back. "Besides, it feels like we haven't done anything as a team in forever!"

The girls watched as decorations were being set up all over the place. A large banner with the words, _Welcome to Vale_ , was being hung up above the street.

"The Vytal Festival!" said Weiss happily. "This is going to be so much fun!"

The other girls stared at her in horror.

"Is she…smiling?" asked Yang.

"This isn't right…" muttered Blake.

"I want the real Weiss back!" sobbed Ruby.

Weiss turned to glare at them. "Forgive me if I think it's all a little exciting, you uncultured assholes!"

"She's back!" said the other girls happily.

Weiss rubbed her temples and said, "This festival is meant to celebrate the cultures of the world! There's going to be dances, parades, and a fighting tournament!"

"Man, Weiss," said Yang in awe. "You must really be pumped up for all this stuff."

Weiss started walking again. "The amount of planning and organization that goes into this event is simply breathtaking," she said, a peaceful smile on her face.

"…Or you might just be pumped up for all the nerd stuff," amended Yang.

"It's not _nerd_ stuff," argued Weiss, "It's _intellectual_ stuff!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Yang, waving a disinterested hand. The girls walked to the side of the street and gazed out at Vale's harbor. "So why did you insist that we spend our Port-free afternoon at the stupid docks?" She smirked at Weiss and said, "If you just wanted to look at some seamen, I'm sure Jaune could have helped you."

Weiss blushed. "S-shut up! That's disgusting."

"I don't get it," said Ruby. "What's disgusting?"

Yang's eyes went wide and she turned to smile awkwardly at Ruby. "Oh…uh…Weiss just doesn't approve of Jaune's dream to be a sailor!" She elbowed Weiss's arm. "Right?"

"R-right!" said Weiss. "He…um…has…better options as a career choice?"

"Oh…" said Ruby slowly. She laughed and said, "I thought you were talking about Jaune's ji-"

"Anyway," said Weiss loudly, cutting off Ruby, "I heard that students visiting from Vacuo will be arriving by ship today. And as a representative of Beacon, I feel like it is my duty to-"

"Spy on them in order to get an edge on the competition?" guessed Blake.

"Yes," said Weiss. She blinked and stammered, "N-no! I just wanted to welcome them to Vale is all."

The other girls stared disbelievingly at Weiss.

"But," continued Weiss, "If these students from Vacuo just _happen_ to show any weaknesses that I can take detailed notes about, study those notes, and create tactics that capitalize on those weaknesses…well, that's their own fault, isn't it?"

"…You scare me sometimes, Weiss," said Yang.

"Speaking of scary," said Ruby, pointing. The others turned their heads to look.

Police tape blocked off entry to a building at the end of the street. The store's windows were shattered, and two police officers were examining the broken glass.

"What happened here?" asked Ruby as she and her team walked up to the crime scene.

One of the officers, a bearded man with a nametag that read _Detective Burns_ , looked up from his tablet. "Robbery," he said, "This is the second Dust shop to be hit this week." He turned slightly away from Ruby and said to himself, "The broad in red was asking questions. Too many questions. I knew I had to walk away before she found out that we suspected it was the White Fang that did this."

"The White Fang?!" repeated Ruby.

Detective Burns looked over at Ruby, and then turned his head again. "She knew," he said to himself, "Somehow she knew. I couldn't let her see me sweat." He turned and walked over to his partner. "I turned and walked over to Heyman in order to get away from her." He cleared his throat, getting the attention of his partner, a skinny man with dark hair and a nametag that read _Detective Heyman_. "So…what do you think?"

Detective Heyman looked at his partner, before turning his head and saying to himself, "Burns asked me what I was thinking. Like he didn't already know. Behind that stupid mug of his was a man that didn't miss much. I decided to humor him." He turned his gaze back to Burns and said, "They left all the money again. Just took the Dust."

Burns nodded and said, "This doesn't make sense. Who needs that much Dust?"

Heyman turned his head and said to himself, "Burns was playing dumb. I knew that he knew who needed that much Dust. He was probably just doing this for those broads behind us. Well two can play _that_ game." He turned back towards Burns and shrugged.

"Should we be offended that they're calling us broads?" asked Yang.

"I'm more confused about who they're talking to," answered Ruby.

"I just want to know why that one guy sounds a lot like Doctor Oobleck," said Blake.

Weiss scoffed. "The White Fang," she said angrily. "Those degenerates _are_ probably behind this robbery."

"What's _your_ problem?" asked Blake, turning to look at Weiss.

"I guess I just don't like criminals or psychopaths all that much," answered Weiss. She shrugged and said, "Sue me."

Blake narrowed her eyes at Weiss. "They _aren't_ a bunch of psychopaths. They're a collection of misguided Faunus."

" _Misguided_?" repeated Weiss. She pretended to think for a moment. "Hmm. That's a funny way to say 'genocidal'. They want to wipe us all off the face of Remnant, remember?"

Blake shrugged. "It still doesn't explain why they'd rob a Dust shop in the middle of Vale."

"She has a point, Weiss," interjected Ruby. "The police never caught that Torchwick guy I fought and he was robbing a Dust shop. Maybe it was him."

"It still doesn't change the fact that the White Fang are a bunch of scum," said Weiss, ignoring Ruby. "They don't need a reason to do the things they do. They're just violent animals."

Yang whistled. "Sounding a bit like Cardin there, Weissicle."

Weiss rolled her eyes and said, "Please don't compare me to that idiot. I have no problem with Faunus like Velvet, who obey the law and actively want to make the world a better place. I just have a problem with the ones who lie, cheat, and steal."

"How many of those types of Faunus have you _actually_ seen?" asked Blake.

"Somebody stop that Faunus!" yelled a voice from the docks.

"One more than I did a few seconds ago," answered Weiss.

The girls ran back down the street and looked down at the docks. On one of the ships, two crewmembers were chasing a blond boy across the deck. The boy hopped up onto the side of the ship, allowing the girls to see a long, blond-furred tail coming out of the back of the boy's pants.

"Thanks for the ride guys!" he said to the crewmembers. He jumped off the ship, the wind blowing back his open white shirt. He landed on the pier and ran to the end of it, jumping up to the street.

"You damn stowaway!" yelled one of the crewmembers. "You stole my banana!"

"For the last goddamn time," yelled the Faunus boy, hanging upside down from a lamppost, "I paid for a ticket!"

"You still stole my banana!" yelled the crewmember.

"…Alright, you got me there," said the boy. He leaned his head back to avoid a rock that was flying at his face. "Jesus Christ, who the fuck just throws rocks at people?!"

"We have strict laws against stealing fruit in Vale!" yelled Detective Burns as he and Detective Heyman walked up. Burns turned his head and muttered, "Maybe the rock was too much. But I've always hated fruit stealers. After my mother died of potassium deficiency, I-"

"Who the hell are you talking to?" asked the boy. He pulled a banana peel out of his pocket and threw it at the detective. "Go away, you fuckin' weirdo." The boy swung himself to the top of the lamppost and jumped off. He landed on the road and started running towards Team RWBY. As he passed Blake, he turned his head and winked at her.

The team watched as he disappeared, the detectives chasing after him.

"He sounded like one of the Achieve Men guys," said Ruby.

"The one you have a crush on?" teased Yang.

"I don't have a crush on him!" said Ruby, a blush appearing on her face. "I appreciate his singing talent." She stared at the ground and muttered, "Plus that ass though…"

"Who cares?!" yelled Weiss. "We need to catch that Faunus! Unless you think he's just _misguided_ , Blake."

"Them abs though…" muttered Blake, a blush on her face.

"Blake?" asked Weiss.

Blake blinked and cleared her throat awkwardly. "W-we need to get his side of the story. Let's go."

Weiss led the way as the girls ran in the direction the Faunus boy went. They barely spotted the detectives as they rounded a corner.

"Come on!" yelled Weiss, turning the corner first. "We need to-" There was a small yelp and a crashing noise.

The other girls turned the corner and saw Weiss and another girl in a heap on the ground. Weiss looked up and saw that the Faunus boy evaded the detectives by leaping onto a roof.

"Dammit!" yelled Weiss, pounding her fist. "He got away!"

"Um...Weiss?" said Yang, pointing down.

Weiss looked down and noticed three things. One was that there was an orange-haired girl with green eyes underneath her. The second was that Weiss's fist was against the girl's nose. The third was that her other hand was right on the girl's-

Weiss blushed and scrambled to her feet. She composed herself and bowed deeply to the girl. "I am so sorry," she said.

"For what?" asked the girl. She patted her chest. "There's nothing there for you to grab."

"Aw, that's ok," said Yang. "You're just a late bloomer. Like Weiss."

Weiss shot a nasty glare at Yang before turning to the girl. "Are you alright?"

"I am operating at 100%," said the girl. She blinked and quickly said, "I mean…I'm fine?" She hiccupped suddenly and looked alarmed.

"…Ok…" said Yang slowly. "Would you like to get up?"

"Oh, certainly!" said the girl.

A moment passed. The girl made no signs of getting back up.

"… _Can_ you get up?" asked Yang.

"Of course!" said the girl. "Let me show you!" She hopped to her feet and smiled at Team RWBY. "See? I am perfectly capable of getting up if I fall."

"…Glad to hear it…" said Yang slowly, subtly cocking her gauntlets.

There was a long silence as the girl just stared at them. Her unblinking eyes seemed to study each one of the girls.

"So…" said Ruby. "What's your name?"

"I am PENI-01," said the girl. She blinked and said quickly, "I-I mean, my name is Penny!" She hiccupped again.

"Hi Penny," said Ruby. "My name's Ruby."

"I'm Weiss," said Weiss.

"Blake," said Blake.

"Could you blink? The staring's getting a little creepy," said Yang. Blake elbowed her in the gut and she wheezed out, "I'm Yang…"

"It's a pleasure to meet you!" said Penny.

There was a long moment of silence as the girls waited for Penny to say something. Penny simply stared back at them unblinkingly.

"…Ok…" said Weiss, backing away uncomfortably. "We're…uh…we're just gonna go…sorry about running into you."

"Take care, friend!" said Ruby, giving Penny a wave.

"Friend?" said Penny quietly. She watched as Team RWBY walked away. Her eyes zeroed in on the back of Ruby's head. She grinned widely and said, "Frieeeeeeeennnnnd…"

"Well," said Yang as the team rounded the corner, "She was creepy." She smirked at Weiss and said, "Although props to you for getting to second base with her, Weiss."

"Shut up," said Weiss, blushing slightly. She cleared her throat and said, "We need to focus on finding that Faunus riffraff."

Weiss looked forward and shrieked as she came face-to-face with Penny, who had somehow gotten in front of them.

"What did you just say?" questioned the girl.

"I'm sorry!" said Yang quickly. "I wasn't implying anything about you with that second base comment! And I didn't think you could hear me, because it's totally okay to talk about people behind their backs and-"

"Not you," said Penny. She walked forward and got uncomfortably close to Ruby. "You. What did you say to me?"

Ruby leaned back and stuttered, "I…I d-don't..."

Penny grabbed onto Ruby's shoulders and brought her back to the uncomfortably close distance. "You called me 'friend'," she explained. "Am I _really_ your friend?"

"Uh…" faltered Ruby. She looked desperately at the others, who were all shaking their heads. "…Sure?"

Weiss, Yang, and Blake all slapped their foreheads. "Oh god…" they all muttered in unison.

Penny laughed happily and picked up Ruby. "Sensational!" she cheered, spinning around with Ruby over her head. "We can do normal human friend things like paint our nails and talk about cute boys and…"

"Help me…" whispered Ruby to Yang.

"So Penny," said Yang, getting the girl's attention, "What are you doing in Vale?"

Penny set the now dizzy Ruby down and turned to look at Yang. "I'm here to fight in the tournament!" she said happily.

"Wait…the tournament?" asked Weiss. "You?"

"Affirmative!" said Penny.

"…The one during the Vytal Festival?" questioned Weiss.

"Mm-hmm!" agreed Penny.

"…The _fighting_ tournament?" clarified Weiss.

"I'm combat ready!" said Penny. She tried to salute but accidently whacked herself in the forehead, her hand making a metallic clanging noise on impact. "Ouch," she said monotonously, as she showed no reaction to the hit.

"...You don't really seem the part," said Weiss.

"Says the girl in the _dress_ ," observed Blake.

Weiss glared at Blake and said, "It's a combat skirt. Emphasis on the _combat_."

"Yeah!" agreed Ruby. "Name one time something embarrassing happened because we were wearing-"

"Jaune ended up underneath both of you and got a view of your underwear," said Blake.

Ruby and Weiss both blushed and looked away.

"Jaune's just lucky we knew it was an accident," said Yang. "Other girls probably wouldn't have been so understanding."

Blake gave Yang a deadpan look and said, "You chased him around campus for an hour, threatening to punch his balls into oblivion for looking at your little sister."

Yang scoffed and waved a dismissive hand, "Pyrrha was able to hold me back long enough for him to explain."

"You still punched him," said Blake.

"In the _gut_ ," said Yang. "Not his crotch." She gestured to her gauntlets and added, "And I didn't even use Ember Celica on him."

"Moving on!" yelled Weiss. She stomped forward and grabbed Penny by the shoulders. "If you're here for the tournament, does that mean you know that monkey Faunus?"

"…Who?" questioned Penny.

"The filthy Faunus from the boat!" yelled Weiss, shaking Penny.

"Detecting high levels of racial insensitivity," muttered Penny as Weiss shook her.

"Why do you keep saying that?!" yelled Blake.

There was silence as everyone turned to stare at her.

"…Did Blake just raise her voice?" questioned Ruby.

"Holy shit," muttered Yang in awe.

"What?" questioned Weiss, stepping away from Penny. "What do you-?"

"Stop calling him filthy," snapped Blake, walked towards Weiss. "Stop acting like he's a criminal! You don't even _know_ him!"

"And you _do_?" asked Weiss. "How do _you_ know he's not a criminal? He stole from the crewmembers of that ship and antagonized the police."

"He took a _banana_ and threw its peel at that detective," said Blake. "You're right Weiss, _clearly_ that makes him a master criminal. He _definitely_ deserves the death penalty."

"High levels of sass detected," muttered Penny.

"I'm not saying that," argued Weiss, "But clearly he has a low respect for the law. Give him time, he'll probably join those other criminals in the White Fang."

Blake balled her fists. To Ruby and Yang, it looked like she was trying her hardest not to punch Weiss in the face. To their relief, Blake scoffed and turned around. "I shouldn't be surprised that you're acting this way," she said, walking away. "I shouldn't have expected a spoiled little brat like you to know how the world works."

"What?!" yelled Weiss, stomping after her. "What gives you the right to talk to me like that?"

"What gives _you_ the right to make judgements about people you've never talked to?!" shot back Blake, as she stopped to turn and glare at Weiss.

"I'm your _teammate_!" hollered Weiss.

"You're an _annoyance_!" yelled Blake.

While the two continued their argument, which was getting louder and louder, Yang nudged Ruby and said, "We should probably go."

Penny walked over to Ruby and said, "Are your friends going to be okay, Ruby?"

Ruby smiled and turned to Penny, "I'm sure they'll be fine if we just get them back to Beacon. They can't argue forever, after all."

 _An hour later_ :

"Maybe I spoke too soon," said Ruby as she watched her two teammates bicker in the dark dorm room.

"I don't understand why you are so upset," said Weiss as she sat on her recently repaired bunk.

" _That_ is why I'm so upset," said Blake, sitting across from Weiss on her own bunk. "It's because you _don't_ understand."

"You know you _are_ defending a terrorist group, right?" asked Weiss, standing up. "A group that hates humanity and wants to kill every one of us?"

"They are _not_ murderers!" yelled Blake, standing up. She sighed and said, "Why do you think they hate humanity so much? Have you _ever_ wondered? It's because of people like Cardin…people like _you_ that forced them to extreme measures!"

"I am _not_ responsible for what _they_ chose to do!" screamed Weiss. "Don't talk to me like I'm some fucking monster oppressing the Faunus! Do you even realize what they've done to my family? To _me_?!" She took a deep breath and calmed herself, before leveling an icy glare at Blake. "You want to _why_ I hate the White Fang? Why I'm wary of the Faunus? They've been at war with my family for years. I grew up watching family and friends disappear without a trace. Train cars full of dust are stolen over and over again. My family has received multiple death threats…they were almost a _daily_ occurrence. And every day, my father would come home _furious_ …which made for a _very_ difficult childhood." She took a shaky breath before narrowing her eyes at Blake. "So don't act like I'm overreacting, or being cruel. The White Fang are nothing more than a bunch of liars, thieves, and murderers! Every single one of them!"

"We were just tired of being pushed around!" screamed Blake. Her eyes went wide as she realized what she said.

Weiss's own eyes were widening as well as she took a step back from Blake. "… _We_?" she repeated.

"Blake?" questioned Ruby as she and Yang stared at her.

Blake backed up until she hit the bed. "I…I…" she stammered, her body shaking. She suddenly bolted for the door, threw it open, and ran out of the room.

"Blake!" said Ruby, running to the door. "Come back!" She looked out into the hallway, but saw no sign of her teammate. Sighing, she walked back into the room and shut the door.

"Weiss…" began Yang, looking at the other girl.

Weiss stood still for a moment. "…Fuck…" she muttered, turning away.

Yang sighed and looked at her dejected little sister. "What else could go wrong?" she questioned.

The door burst open and Jaune stumbled into the room. "Guys!" he shouted. "Port knows you've skipped class and he's looking for you! Also, I kind of locked myself out of my room again and everyone's asleep, so-"

"Not now, Jaune!" said Yang, grabbing him by the face and pushing him out of the room. "Besides, you already got enough screen time this season." She shut the door and locked it.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Blake was holding herself as she walked through the courtyard. She paused and looked at the statue in the middle of the walkway. Two triumphant hunters were standing above a defeated Grimm.

Blake sighed and pulled off her bow, revealing two black-furred cat ears. She raised her hand and wiped a small tear that was trailing down her face.

"…So this might be a bad time," said a voice behind her, "But do you want to go out sometime? Totally called the cat ears, by the way."

 _Two days later_ :

Ruby, Weiss, and Yang walked through downtown Vale. Ruby stared dejectedly at the ground and said, "She's been gone all weekend."

"We'll find her," said Yang encouragingly. "That or she'll come back to us. Right Weiss?"

"She's a big girl," said Weiss. "She can handle herself. She _is_ a former terrorist after all."

Yang sighed and said, "Weiss, now's not really the time to be a bitch. She's our teammate. She's missing and we need to find her."

"…I hope she's ok…" muttered Ruby.

Meanwhile, on the rooftop café right above them, Blake was sipping a cup of tea. She lowered the cup and stared at the murky liquid inside. She sighed and looked over at her companion. "Sun," she said.

Sun paused in his attempts to steal a biscotti from the neighboring table. "Finally, you speak!" he said cheerfully. "And I was just getting used to your perpetual silence and glares."

Blake glared at him. "I could just not tell you anything, you know?" she asked.

"Um…" said Sun, finally wrapping his tail around the pastry on the other table. He quickly grabbed it and put it on his own plate. "I'm listening," he said.

"What do you know about the White Fang?" questioned Blake.

"They're psychos that give the rest of us Faunus a bad name," said Sun. "Why?" He popped the biscotti in his mouth.

"I was once a member of the White Fang," said Blake.

Sun choked on his pastry. Coughing, he pounded his chest and said, " _You_ were with the White Fang? Wait…you said you _were_? What made you leave?"

Blake sighed and set her cup down on the table. "…We robbed a train."

* * *

 **For those curious, Jaune slept out in the hallway that night. He cried himself to sleep, lamenting the loss of his bed.**

 **Hilarity.**


	16. No Blakes On The Dust Train

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 16: There Are No Blakes On the Dust Train**

 _Months Ago_

" _Your hopes have become my burden, I will find my own liberation_ …" read Blake. She was sitting on a rock, in the middle of Forever Fall. She turned the page in her book and continued reading. " _War. War never changes_ …"

The sound of crunching leaves made her bow twitch. Looking around, Blake saw a man with a mask approaching her. The wind blew through the man's red and brown colored hair as he came closer.

"Blake," said the man, stopping in front of her. "We need to move." He frowned and said, "What's with the bow? Afraid to be seen as what you really are?"

Blake's bow twitched irritably. "Says the asshole in the mask," she observed.

He chuckled softly and said, "Easy with the claws, kitten. We have a train to catch."

Blake sighed and shut her book. "Let's just get this over with," she muttered, leaving the book on the rock.

The man stared at the book. "…You're just leaving your book behind? You feeling alright? Usually I have to drag you away from whatever you're reading…"

Blake walked by the man without looking at him. "I'm fine, Adam," she said. "Let's move." And with that, she darted into the trees, disappearing from sight.

Adam spared the forgotten book once last glance before running after his partner.

After a few minutes, Blake and Adam broke through the line of trees and stopped before a cliff. They both looked down and saw train tracks below them.

"The train will be here in a minute," said Adam. "It'll be carrying a load of Dust for-"

"The Schnee Company," interrupted Blake tersely. "Yes, I _know_."

"What's with you?" asked Adam, looking over at her. "You haven't acted like this since I limited your tuna rations."

"I…" faltered Blake. She sighed and asked, "Have you ever felt like you've made a huge mistake?"

"I gave a hormonal teenage girl a weapon and didn't anticipate her nearly killing me with it," said Adam, a small smirk on his face.

"That was _once_!" hissed Blake, blushing slightly. "And you threw yourself to the ground in time. Besides, I've gotten a lot better with Gambol Shroud over the years."

"I know," said Adam. He pointed down at the train tracks. "And you're going to need it for this job. Schnee security is always tight."

"It's not like they have an army of robots or anything," said Blake. "It'll probably just be a couple of inexperienced guards."

A loud horn blared, cutting off Adam's response. The two of them looked down and saw the train fast approaching. Adam and Blake jumped down the cliff, sliding down the leaf-covered slope. After a few seconds, they leapt off the cliff and hurtled towards the train.

When he landed, Adam pulled out his sword and stabbed it into the train car, stopping himself from getting thrown off. He glanced to his side and saw that Blake had landed next to him. They both ran forward, jumping to the other train car. They stopped in front of a hatch, which Adam quickly opened. They leapt inside, letting the hatch close behind them.

Adam frowned as he looked around. "…You just had to say 'an army of robots', didn't you?"

Blake rolled her eyes. "At least it's not a giant spider-type robot."

Dozens of security robots were around them. The lights in their chests and faces glowed red as they activated.

" _Intruder detected_ ," said one. Its hands transformed into guns and it leveled them at Adam. " _Prepare to be vaporized. Have a nice day._ "

"Nice guns," said Adam. "What bullets do they shoot?"

" _High-caliber, armor-piercing rounds_ ," droned the robot. " _Also paint balls for the Schnee Company Picnic_."

Adam whistled. He gestured to his rifle. "Wish mine shot that."

" _What ammunition does your weapon fire?_ " questioned the robot.

Adam smirked and pointed the gun at it. "A sword."

Adam pulled the trigger and a sword shot out the gun hilt-first. It smashed into the robot's head, shattering its face plate. He quickly rushed forward, shooting the robot's head off with his gun. He grabbed the sword out of the air and slashed its headless body in half. While the pieces were still falling to the floor, Adam sheathed his blade.

"… _Warning_ ," said another robot. " _Holy Shit Quotient is off the scale._ "

" _I have leaked oil_ ," admitted another one quietly.

" _Damn it, B1LL3_ ," said the first one. " _I advised you to fix that before we left_."

The rest of the robots extended blades from their arms and charged towards the two. Blake rolled her eyes and activated her Semblance. She shot backwards, leaving an image of herself where she was standing, and slashed at two of the charging robots, who fell to the floor in pieces. Blake landed on her feet and ran back to Adam, slashing at the robot behind him.

"Having fun?" asked Adam as he fired his shotgun at the robots in front of him.

"Not particularly," answered Blake, slicing off a robotic arm.

"Why not?" asked Adam, grabbing a robot and stabbing it through the chest. "I thought you'd enjoy having opponents to go all out on." He turned and used his sword to block a barrage of bullets.

"Fighting isn't everything," called Blake as she rushed forward, decapitating the shooting robot.

"It is for us," said Adam. He calmly strode forward while Blake destroyed the wave of robots in front of them. As a legless robot fell in front of him, Adam kicked it and sent it crashing through the door of the train car.

Blake and Adam ran outside, where more robots were rushing out of the next car. Adam rushed forward and used his sword to knock two of them into the air. Blake jumped into the air and sliced them to pieces. She landed and switched Gambol Shroud to its chain scythe form. She threw it at a robot and, when it ducked out of the way, pulled the weapon back with her ribbon, stabbing the robot in the head. Blake pulled the scythe back to her and slashed the robots surrounding them, causing the pieces to smash against crates with large white snowflakes decorated on them.

"Could you not damage the explosive material?" asked Adam, casually throwing a robot over the side of the train.

" _Now_ you're concerned about collateral damage?" asked Blake.

Adam laughed mirthlessly. "Only when it involves something I care about." He rushed forward, slashing at a group of robots until they all exploded. He used his sword to throw more in the air and Blake used her Semblance to leap towards them and destroy them. One of the robots flew towards Adam, who sighed and shot it out of the air without looking.

"That's all of them," panted Blake as she ran up to Adam.

"Good," said Adam, "They were boring me."

They walked into the next car, where loads of crates with snowflakes were stored. Adam opened a crate and smirked at the containers of Dust on the inside. "Perfect," he said, closing the lid. He looked at Blake and said, "Move up to the next car and I'll set the charges. With this much Dust, this whole train will be blown sky high."

"What about the crewmembers?" asked Blake.

"…Are they Faunus crewmembers?" asked Adam.

"…Probably not," admitted Blake.

"Then they'll be more fuel for the fire," growled Adam.

They heard something click behind them. Turning around, the saw a giant black and red colored robot drop from the ceiling. It landed on its four legs and scuttled towards them like a spider.

"…Blake…" said Adam.

"…I'll keep my mouth shut this time," said Blake with a sigh.

The robot pointed its cannons at the two intruders and fired, forcing them to move. Blake jumped in the air and attempted to attack, only for the robot to knock her back towards the ground. Adam quickly jumped in front of the robot and slashed at it, distracting it from Blake. He landed on the ground and quickly scooped Blake up in his arms. He then jumped backwards, avoiding the robot as it stomped at them.

"See?" said Adam as he set Blake down. "You can't live without me."

"…We'll see about that…" muttered Blake quietly.

"What?" asked Adam, turning to face her. "What do you-?"

The robot brought its cannons together and fired one powerful shot at the two. "Shit!" cursed Adam, bringing his sword up to block it. The blast was too powerful, however, and sent the two of them flying out the door and onto the platform connecting the two cars.

Adam got up and put his hand on his sword's hilt. "Get clear!" he yelled at Blake.

"But-" began Blake, watching as the spider-like robot crawled onto the platform.

"Now!" yelled Adam. As Blake ran to the next platform, the robot fired another massive blast at Adam. Adam partially unsheathed his sword and held it steady as the blast hit the blade. The sword seemed to absorb the blast and Adam sheathed it.

As the spider robot leapt at Adam, he began laughing excitedly. His hair, mask, and jacket began glowing red as he faced the robot. He pulled the sword out of the shotgun.

Everything seemed to explode around him. Leaves blew off the trees the train was passing, the crates of Dust were destroyed, and the robot dissolved into rose petals.

As the petals and leaves blew away, Adam sheathed his sword and sighed. "I should've probably done that earlier…" he muttered. He turned around…and paused.

Blake was on the other platform…which was getting further and further away. He watched as she sheathed Gambol Shroud and turned to look at him.

"Blake," called Adam. "What are you-"

"I'm leaving," said Blake, cutting him off. "Goodbye, Adam." She turned and walked away as her stunned former partner watched as the rest of the train disappeared down the tracks.

 _Now_ :

"Huh…" said Sun, setting his cup down.

"Yeah…" said Blake. She sighed and rubbed her eyes.

"…So…" said Sun, leaning forward. "Were you and Adam a thing? Because I really don't want to get turned into rose petals if he goes all crazy-ex on you."

"Was that _all_ you got out of the story?" asked Blake. "Not that I turned away from the group that practically raised me?"

"…Is that a yes?" questioned Sun.

Blake sighed and slammed her head onto the table.

* * *

 **What is with people and not using their abilities? Ren doesn't blow up heads, Adam takes forever to do his rose petal thing, Sun doesn't make clones of himself aside from that one time...**

 **Such wasted potential...**


	17. Stakeout Smackdown

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 17: Stakeout Smackdown**

 _At Beacon Academy_ :

Students ran away from the courtyard in terror. Several of them pushed each other out of the way in their desperate attempts to escape.

"My eyes! It burns!" screamed Fox as he ran back to Team CFVY's dorm.

As Professor Goodwitch rubbed her eyes in annoyance, Professor Ozpin calmly took a sip from his coffee as he stared at the individual by the statue.

"Peter…" he said, slowly lowering the mug from his mouth. "Why are you naked?"

"Ah!" said Professor Port, standing stark naked in the middle of the courtyard. "Good morning Headmaster! How are you this fine day?"

"Fine," said Ozpin stiffly. "Why are you naked?"

"Excellent!" said Port jollily. He turned to Professor Goodwitch. "And how are you today, Glynda?"

"Peter…" said Goodwitch, staring pointedly at Port's face. "Why are you naked?"

"Ah," sighed Port, raising a bare leg and resting it on the statue's base. He leaned on his raised leg and said, "Nothing beats a lazy Sunday, huh?"

"Peter?" asked Ozpin. "You. Naked. Why?"

"Hm?" asked Port. "Oh! Yes!" He stopped leaning against the statue and said, "There I was, teaching my class all about the time I drank from the skulls of my enemies, when I suddenly noticed that Team RWBY was missing from my classroom. So I did what any responsible educator would have done."

"…Marked them as truant?" suggested Goodwitch hopefully.

"I rushed out of my classroom, axe in hand, determined to find those girls and bring them to justice!" said Port.

"Alright," said Ozpin, "Then what happened to your clothes?"

Port laughed excitedly. "Those girls are clever! I've spent the whole weekend searching the academy and Vale in order to find them. I even checked the Emerald Forest! I did lose my shirt to a King Taijitu…and my pants to some rambunctious Beowolves."

"And your underwear?" asked Goodwitch.

"I go commando," said Port. "If it was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for me!"

"I see…unfortunately…" said Ozpin. He shook his head and said, "Peter, before you resume your hunt for Team RWBY, would you please put some clothes on? It wouldn't do for a Beacon professor to be seen wandering around nude, after all."

"Alright…" said Port, sounding slightly disappointed, "But I'm not putting on underwear." He turned to walk back to the academy when he noticed something at his feet. "What do you know? Five Lien just sitting on the ground! Today must be my lucky day!" He bent over to pick the bill up, unintentionally mooning the other two professors.

As Ozpin calmly took a sip of coffee, Goodwitch quickly turned her head to avoid looking at Port. "For fuck's sake, Peter!" she yelled. "Just go put on some clothes!"

Port grabbed the bill and walked back into the academy, causing more students to scream and run away in terror.

"Finally," said Goodwitch. She looked at Ozpin and said, "I'm impressed at how professional you acted. It's like you weren't phased by Peter at all!"

"Mm-hmm," said Ozpin. He raised his free hand to his face and slowly took off his tinted glasses. "Hold these for a moment, would you Glynda?"

"Uh…of course, sir," she said, grabbing the man's glasses. "But why?"

"I'm going to burn that image out of my head," said Ozpin as he looked up at the sky. Without another word and without blinking, he raised his mug and poured the steaming hot coffee all over his face.

 _Meanwhile, in Vale :_

"Alright, Sun," said Blake slowly, "I want you to repeat what I just said to you _without_ hitting on me. Can you do that?"

"Uh…uh…" faltered Sun. "…Maybe?" He cleared his throat and said, "You joined the White Fang when you were little…"

"Uh-huh," said Blake, taking a sip from her tea cup. "Go on."

"You were at the front of every rally and took part in any boycott…" continued Sun. "Then your partner, Adam, became the leader of the White Fang and made it a terrorist group."

"What else?" prompted Blake, setting her cup down.

"Then you and Adam planned on blowing up a train, but you decided you had enough and left," finished Sun.

Blake smiled. "That's it. I'm glad you can focus on-"

"And then," continued Sun, "You met _me_ and realized you desperately wanted to go out on a date with me!"

Blake stared at him with a disappointed expression on her face. "… _Really_?" she asked exasperatedly.

"I'm kidding," said Sun, "Unless you really did want to. The offer is on the table." He leaned in and said, "But seriously, have you told your friends any of this?"

Blake sighed, "…It's not that easy…Ruby and Yang might listen, but there's no way in hell Weiss will."

"You don't know that," said Sun. "I'll bet she's out looking for you right now in order to apologize."

 _Meanwhile_ :

"Nope," said Weiss as she and the others walked down the sidewalk.

"Weiss…" groaned Ruby.

"Uh-uh," said Weiss, crossing her arms.

"Weiss…" growled Yang.

"Why should I put forth any effort into finding Blake?" asked Weiss stubbornly. "We should go straight to the police and tell them that we know of a White Fang member that's been masquerading as our teammate."

"She _is_ our teammate, you bitch!" yelled Ruby. She squeaked and covered her mouth in shock. Looking over at Yang, she whimpered, "Sorry. Please don't make me wash my mouth out with soap again…"

"It's ok," said Yang, patting Ruby's head. "You were just being honest."

"How am I a bitch?!" yelled Weiss. "Name _one_ thing I've done that makes me a bitch!"

"You decided our friend was guilty without bothering to hear her side of the story," said Yang.

"…Name _two_ things I've done that make me a bitch!" continued Weiss.

"You did not say 'hello' to Penny," said a voice. "I forgive you, though. We're friends, after all."

Weiss slowly turned around and came face-to-face with Penny.

The orange-haired girl smiled creepily at Weiss and said, "Frieeeeennnnnds…"

Weiss blinked. She then quickly took a step back, grabbed Ruby, and moved her so she was in-between her and Penny.

"Penny?" asked Ruby, ignoring the fact that Weiss was using her as a shield. "Where did you come from?"

"A laboratory," said Penny. She suddenly looked fearful and quickly said, "I-I mean…I saw you guys walking and thought I'd come to say hello!" She hiccupped.

"Hi," said Yang, sighing. "Look Penny, this really isn't the best time. We're kind of in the middle of something important right now."

"What are you doing?" asked Penny. "Do you need help?"

"Well…" said Ruby slowly. "Have you seen Blake anywhere?"

"Blake…" said Penny slowly. She grinned and snapped her fingers. "Oh! You mean the cat Faunus girl?"

Weiss, Yang, and Ruby stared at Penny. "How…how did you know that?" asked Ruby.

"Her hair stood up on end when she was arguing with Weiss, she salivated 20% more than the normal amount when we passed that place that sold tuna sandwiches, she twitched when we passed the ball of yarn sale, and I'm pretty sure I recall her scratching some guy's new armchair when we passed those apartment buildings," listed off Penny. She looked at the other three girls in confusion. "Why didn't you all notice these things?"

"Because…" began Ruby.

"We…" faltered Weiss.

There was a long pause.

"…Fuck," said Yang. "How did we not notice all that?"

"So," said Penny, looking at all of them, "Why are you looking for her?"

"She's been missing since Friday," explained Ruby.

Penny gasped and moved forward. She grabbed Ruby and pulled her into a tight hug. "Don't worry, Ruby! I'll contact the police and let them know to keep an eye out for Blake."

"Thank you!" said Weiss. She looked at Yang triumphantly. "See? Someone else think's we should call the police."

"…That someone else is Penny," pointed out Yang.

Weiss huffed and crossed her arms stubbornly. "It's still a good idea."

"Penny, we don't _want_ the police looking for Blake!" cried Ruby desperately as she struggled to get out of the other girl's grip.

"Oh," said Penny. "I'll hang up on them, then."

"Hang up?" repeated Yang. "But you didn't even use your Scroll."

"Um…I use Bluetooth?" suggested Penny, hiccupping. She shook her head and gripped Ruby tighter. "Don't worry, Ruby! I'll help you find your friend!"

"Oh…well…" began Ruby uncomfortably as she squirmed in Penny's grasp. "Thanks for offering, Penny, but we've got it covered. Right, girls?"

"We can split up!" said Yang suddenly. She scooped Weiss up in her arms, ignoring her shriek. "I choose Weiss! See ya!" She ran off, carrying Weiss bridal style.

Ruby narrowed her eyes at her sister's retreating back. "I'll remember this, Xiao Long…" she muttered as she was left alone with Penny.

 _Meanwhile_ :

"So, what do you want to do now?" asked Sun as he and Blake walked down another street.

Blake sighed and said, "I still don't believe that the White Fang are the ones robbing all the Dust shops. They've never needed that much Dust before."

"Well, how long has it been since you were with them?" asked Sun. "Maybe things changed."

"Not likely," said Blake with a scoff. "Adam's as stubborn as they come. It would take a hell of a lot to make him change the way he does things."

"Hmm…" said Sun, thinking. He suddenly snapped his fingers and said, "I got it! What if we went to the place the robbers were most likely to hit next? We'd be able to see if it was the White Fang or not! I heard on the ship that a Schnee Company freighter was going to unload a huge shipment of Dust. I'll bet that's where the robbers will go next!"

"That's…actually not a bad idea…" said Blake. She smiled at Sun and said, "Guess you aren't just a pretty face…" Her eyes trailed down Sun's body and she blushed, "With firm pecs…and sexy, sexy abs…"

"Excuse me," said Sun, snapping his fingers in front of Blake. He pointed to his face and said, "My eyes are up here."

 _Meanwhile_ :

"What do you mean, 'you haven't seen her'?!" yelled Yang, slamming her hands down on the counter.

"I mean, I haven't seen her," said the shopkeeper, his tattooed arms crossed. "Now, are you gonna fuckin' buy something or what? I _do_ have other customers."

"Come on, Yang," said Weiss, tugging on the blonde's arm. "He obviously hasn't seen Blake." She sniffed the air and her nose crinkled in disgust. "I'm surprised he can see _anything_ with how much he smells like alcohol."

"Thanks for wasting your time at Geoff's Mercantile!" called the shopkeeper as Weiss dragged Yang out of the store. "Next time, buy some shit or get out!"

Out on the sidewalk, Yang sighed. "This is hopeless…Blake could be anywhere by now." She looked over at Weiss, who was standing with a disinterested look on her face. "You really don't care if we find her, do you?"

"Don't be stupid," said Weiss, glaring at Yang. "Of course I care."

"You've got a funny way of showing it," replied Yang. "Do you honestly believe she's still working with the White Fang?"

"…I don't want to," said Weiss quietly, "But Blake has hidden secrets from us for months. Who knows what else she isn't telling us?" She sighed and looked down the sidewalk. "The innocent never run, Yang."

"Unless someone blames them for something without proof," said Yang. She walked forward and pushed past Weiss. "Come on, there's still some stores we haven't checked."

Weiss watched as Yang entered another store, lost in her thoughts. After a few moments, she sighed and followed.

 _Meanwhile_ :

"So, Blake's your friend, right?" asked Penny as she and Ruby walked down the street.

"Yes," said Ruby.

"But you're mad at her?" asked Penny.

"Weiss is," replied Ruby, "Yang and I just want to make sure she's okay."

"Isn't Weiss friends with Blake?" asked Penny.

"I…I thought so…" muttered Ruby.

"Why is Weiss mad at Blake?" asked Penny.

"Penny, I…I don't know, alright?" asked Ruby, stopping to face the other girl. "Blake had this…secret that suddenly slipped out one night. Weiss got mad and Blake ran away, ok?"

"Secret? Slipped out…" repeated Penny. She gasped and said, "Does Blake have a penis?"

Ruby's eyes went wide. "N-no, Penny! Blake's not…she doesn't…" Ruby paused. "…Well, I don't know _for sure_ if she doesn't have a penis, but that's not what I'm talking about!" She sighed and said, "I don't know what Blake thinks we'll do if we find her. We didn't have a chance to talk before she ran off."

"Do you think she'll want to talk when we find her?" asked Penny.

"I hope so…" said Ruby sadly.

 _A couple of hours later_ :

"So…are we just not gonna talk or…?" said Sun. He and Blake were up on a rooftop, observing the port below.

"Little busy doing that thing we came here for in the first place," said Blake as she watched the Schnee Company cargo. "Nothing's happened so far…"

"Hmm…" said Sun as he watched the cargo as well. He slowly raised an apple to his mouth and bit into it, causing a loud crunch to echo throughout the empty port.

"Sun!" hissed Blake. "Do you even _know_ what stealth means?!"

"Relax," said Sun, swallowing. "No one's even-"

The was a loud roar of an engine as a Bullhead flew over them. The aircraft landed on the port and several armored troops walked out. On their backs was an insignia of a red animal with three long slashes behind it.

Blake turned and looked at Sun pointedly.

"…All right, I'll shut the fuck up," he muttered quietly, putting the apple down on the rooftop. "So…is that them?"

Blake sighed and looked back at the armored troops. "Yes, that's them."

"You really didn't think it was them, did you?" asked Sun.

"…God, this means Weiss was right," said Blake. She sighed and closed her eyes. "…Maybe we can just tell her that it was that Torchwick guy or something…"

"Funny you should say that," said Sun, pointing down at the Bullhead.

Roman Torchwick exited the Bullhead. "Guys," he called to the White Fang members, "Could we stop sitting around with our thumbs up our asses? Let's get this crap on board before anyone gets curious about why a fucking _aircraft_ just landed on the docks." He sighed and pulled out a cigar from his coat pocket. "Go get the Dust, Roman," he said in a high-pitched voice. "What? Trucks? That's too common for me to use, Roman. Why don't you use the Bullhead, Roman? Why don't you just announce to Remnant what my plans are, Roman? I'd do it myself, but I'm busy thinking of ways to kill you, Roman."

"This isn't right," muttered Blake. "The White Fang would never work for a human."

"Yeah, it's weird," said Sun, not taking his eyes off the port. "Look, I don't think we can take on Torchwick and the White Fang by ourselves. We should call for some back-up. Sound good?" He turned to face Blake…who wasn't there anymore. "What?!" said Sun. He looked down at the port and spotted Blake sneaking up on Torchwick. "Oh for fuck's sake…"

Down on the port, Blake grabbed Torchwick from behind and put her blade to his throat.

"…Oh for fuck's sake…" muttered Torchwick.

"Nobody move!" yelled Blake.

Everyone moved, pointing their weapons at Blake and Torchwick.

"Man…" said Torchwick, looking amused. "You picked the _wrong_ person to take hostage. These mutts would love to kill me." He looked over and said, "Isn't that right, Felix?"

"Fuck you!" yelled one of the White Fang members, his black-furred tail bristling with anger.

"Told you," said Torchwick.

Blake sighed and undid her bow with her free hand. Her cat ears twitched as she stared at the armed soldiers around her. "Brothers of the White Fang, why are you aiding this-"

"I know you!" shouted Felix, his tail bristling in anger again. "You're that bitch that always took all the tuna rations!" He raised his gun and said, "I was going to use those rations to feed my family, you monster!"

Torchwick chuckled and said to Blake, "You're not very good at his, are you? Not that it matters. The White Fang and I have decided to work together. Isn't that interesting?"

"Fascinating," said Blake, pressing her blade tighter against the criminal's throat. "How about you tell me more?"

Torchwick seemed unconcerned about the cold metal against his jugular or the small amount of blood trickling down his neck. "Gosh, I would love to tell you all about it, kid, really I would," he said sarcastically, "But I'm expecting some company right now and it'd be rude to keep them waiting."

"What company?" asked Blake.

"Oh, nothing that could _possibly_ be a threat to you," said Torchwick. He looked up as two more Bullheads flew above them, their engines roaring. "Unless, of course, you have a problem with two Bullheads full of armed White Fang members?"

Blake stared at the two aircraft in shock.

Torchwick smirked and pointed his cane at the ground near Blake's feet. He pulled the trigger, causing an explosion that threw Blake backwards.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Ruby and Penny turned around at the sound of an explosion. A plume of smoke was rising above the buildings behind them.

"What are the odds that that _isn't_ Blake?" asked Ruby.

"About 30,000 to one," answered Penny immediately. "Would you like to know the odds on if she's horrifically injured or not?"

"I think I'm good, Penny," said Ruby, running towards the smoke.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Blake quickly moved as Torchwick shot blast after blast at her. Concrete flew as each blast hit the ground. Blake flipped backward and activated her Semblance, leaving a copy behind to get hit by Torchwick's blasts.

"I had so much to live for!" cried the copy as it burned.

Blake ignored her copy's plight and ran behind some shipping containers, putting her out of the criminal's view.

"Oh come on, pussycat," said Torchwick, walking forward. "There's no reason to run with your tail between your legs."

Something cool and banana-scented smacked him in the face. Torchwick pulled the object off of him and looked at it. "A banana peel?" he asked, confused. He looked up just in time to see a pair of sneakers smashing into his face.

Sun flipped off of Torchwick, knocking him to the ground. Sun landed on his feet and turned around, glaring at the criminal. "The only thing that's going to be between her legs," he said, "Is _me_."

Torchwick stared at Sun from the ground. "…Not exactly _subtle_ , are you kid?"

"Nope!" said Sun, getting into a fighting stance.

Torchwick back on his feet as White Fang troops armed with guns and swords rushed toward Sun. "Me neither," he growled. He pointed to Sun and said, "Kill that little bastard."

Several of the troops with swords ran forward, swinging wildly at Sun. Sun dodged the blades and slammed his fist into one of their faceplates. Satisfied at the cracking noise and the howl of the White Fang member he had hit, Sun punched another in the mouth and kicked another between the legs.

"You asshole…" muttered the White Fang member with a nasally voice, blood dripping down his face. "I thing you broge my dose!" He grabbed a sword and lunged towards Sun.

The blade made contact with Sun's abs and shattered to pieces.

The White Fang member pulled back the hilt of his ruined sword and stared at it. "…Damn…" he muttered in awe.

As Sun punched the unfortunate soldier in the face again, Torchwick glared at the two soldiers with guns that were standing around him. "Uh, guys?!" he called. "Maybe you could…oh, I don't know…FUCKING _SHOOT_ HIM?!"

"Oh yeah…" muttered one of them. They raised their guns and leveled them at Sun.

"Shit," muttered Sun as he noticed the guns. He reached for the back of his belt and unclipped his weapon. He brought it up as it shifted into-

"A staff?" asked the White Fang member Torchwick had addressed. She laughed and said, "What are you going to do with that?" She and the other gunman squeezed the triggers on their guns.

Sun twirled the staff around him, stopping the bullets from hitting him. When the barrage of gunfire stopped, he ran toward the White Fang members. He swung his staff, striking one of them in the head. He jumped forward and slammed it down on the other soldier's head, sending her face into the concrete.

"Something like _that_ ," replied Sun to the unconscious Faunus.

"Let's see you block _this_ one!" growled Torchwick, shooting a blast at Sun.

Sun spun his staff in front of him, blocking the shot.

"Goddammit, I didn't _mean_ it!" yelled Torchwick.

Blake suddenly dropped out of the shadows and leapt at the criminal, slashing at him with her weapon. Torchwick blocked her strikes as she sped around him, trying to catch him off guard. He punched Blake in the face, only to realize it was one of her copies.

"My dentist is gonna kill me!" yelled the copy as its teeth went flying. It faded away, leaving the real Blake to attack Torchwick again.

Torchwick growled and smacked Blake in the face with his cane. He bashed her in the head with it, causing her to drop to the ground.

Sun suddenly leapt forward and kicked Torchwick, sending him stumbling away from Blake. His staff broke in half as it transformed into a pair of nunchaku. He swung them at Torchwick, who easily blocked it.

"Nice try, kid," smirked Torchwick, "But you're going to have to try a little harder than-"

Sun pulled the trigger on his nunchaku, which fired a blast like a shotgun near the side of Torchwick's head.

Torchwick's jaw dropped. "Your nunchucks are _shotguns_?!" he asked in disbelief. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with you kids?!"

Sun didn't reply. Instead, he swung his nunchakus at Torchwick, who was forced to block them and the shotgun blasts both. Blake suddenly rushed forward and slashed the criminal's chest, knocking him backwards.

Torchwick got back up and looked down at himself. He hissed as he noticed a large tear in his coat. He glared up at Sun and Blake. "You know what?" he growled. "I am officially _done_." He pointed his cane upwards and fired.

The blast hit a suspended crate above Sun and Blake, sending it crashing down towards them. The two Faunus leapt out of the way, causing the crate to smash against the ground.

Sun got to his feet and looked behind him. Torchwick was glaring at him and pointing his cane right at his head.

"Any more tricks up your sleeves, monkey boy?" snarled Torchwick.

"You!" called a voice, causing Sun and Torchwick to look up at a building.

Ruby was looking down on them, Crescent Rose in hand.

"Red," said Torchwick, nodding his head towards her. "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

"Joke's on you!" said Ruby. "Yang lets me stay up late on the weekends."

Penny walked up behind Ruby and asked, "Is that man with the mascara your friend, Ruby?"

"Penny, I'm sort of in the middle of something here," said Ruby, turning to look at her.

"Mascara?!" repeated Torchwick, moving his cane off of Sun and towards the two girls on the roof. "It's GUYLINER!" he screamed, pulling the trigger.

The blast shot forward and stuck Ruby in the stomach, sending her flying backwards. She landed hard on her back behind Penny.

"Yes! I beat up a little girl!" laughed Torchwick. He paused. "…Man, that really sounds less impressive when you say it like that…"

Penny glared down at Torchwick and said, "Scanners indicate that this bitch needs to die." She strode forward as Ruby sat up.

"Penny wait!" cried Ruby. "You can't fight him! You don't even have a scythe!"

"Don't worry, Ruby!" said Penny happily. "I'm combat ready!"

"Again, _no scythe_!" repeated Ruby. "How can you possibly-"

The bag on Penny's back opened up and a sword floated out. The sword suddenly split into ten swords, all of which seemed to float behind Penny.

"…It's still not a scythe," pouted Ruby.

Penny leapt off the building, sending her blades down into the crowd of White Fang below. The struck several of them, knocking them to the ground. She landed on the ground in front of a soldier with a gun.

"Um…I surrender?" said the soldier, laying down his gun.

"Are you Ruby's friend?" asked Penny.

"Who?" asked the White Fang soldier.

"Surrender not recognized," said Penny. "Eliminating."

"Wait no!" cried the soldier as he got thrown aside by Penny's swords.

"Quick!" yelled one of the White Fang members still standing. "Let's rush her!"

"That sounds like a horrible idea!" screamed another. "She's literally got swords floating behind her!"

"For the Fang!" yelled the first soldier, running forward with his sword drawn.

"Goddammit Jenkins!" yelled the other solider, running after him.

The two were easily batted aside by Penny's swords. She sent all ten of them flying towards a line of charging soldiers and knocked them all to the ground.

"How is nobody dying from this?" asked Sun as he watched the carnage.

"You, walking abdominals," said Penny, walking over to him. "Are you friends with Ruby?"

"Is Ruby friends with Blake?" asked Sun.

"Yes," nodded Penny.

"Then yes," said Sun.

"Alright," said Penny, walking back to the battle. "Enjoy your continued existence."

"You too!" said Sun, waving.

Three Bullheads flew in, shooting their machine guns at Penny. Two more swords came out of Penny's bag and shot towards the building behind her. The barely-visible strings connecting them to Penny grew taut and pulled her backwards. She landed in front of the building and her swords circled the air in front of her. The blades pointed forward and green energy began building in front of them. It burst forward in a large beam that cut two of the approaching aircrafts in half.

A White Fang member fell from one of the ruined Bullheads and hit the ground. He got up and looked around. "I'm…alive?" he asked as he looked over himself. He smiled and went to his knees. Throwing his arms into the air, he shouted, "I'm alive!"

Half of a split Bullhead landed on top of him, crushing him.

"…Still…alive…whoo…" groaned the White Fang member, hidden underneath the ruined aircraft.

Penny looked up, noticing that the remaining Bullhead was taking off with a shipping container full of Dust. She threw her swords at the Bullhead and started walking backwards, the strings connecting her to her blades getting tighter and tighter. The aircraft struggled to take off, its engines roaring as it tried to stay airborne.

"…Ok," said Torchwick, turning to walk to his own Bullhead, "I'm not dealing with this shit anymore."

As Torchwick boarded his Bullhead, Penny yanked on the strings of her blades, sending the other one crashing into Dust-filled shipping containers. The Bullhead exploded, sending parts everywhere.

Torchwick frowned as he watched the burning wreckage from the safety of his Bullhead. He sighed as the aircraft took off and said to himself, "And today started out so nicely…"

 _Later_ :

Police cars littered the docks as the wounded White Fang members were taken into custody…or given immediate medical attention. Ruby and the others were sitting on crates and watching.

"I think you might have gone a bit overboard there, Penny," said Ruby as she watched the police pull White Fang troops out of the smoldering wreckage of the Bullhead.

Penny smiled and said, "Don't worry, Ruby. I made sure to not kill anyone."

"That man over there is vomiting blood," said Blake, pointing.

"But he's still _alive_ ," said Penny.

Sun leaned over and nudged Blake with his elbow. "She's your friend, right?" he whispered, nodding at Ruby. "You should tell her what you told me."

Blake pushed him away and said, "I will. I just want to wait for the others to get here so I can tell all of them at once."

Sun looked off into the distance. "…Are the others a blonde chick with big boobs and a short, angry-looking girl with white hair."

Blake closed her eyes and sighed, "They're walking over here, aren't they?"

"Correction!" said Yang, laying her hands on Blake's shoulders. "We're already here!"

Blake leaned her head back and looked up at the grinning face of her partner. "Hello Yang," she said with a small smile.

"Blake," said Weiss, who was standing at her side, looking at her with a neutral expression on her face.

Blake got up, not taking her eyes off of the heiress. "Weiss," she said quickly, "I want you to know that I'm no longer associated with-"

"Stop," said Weiss, holding up her finger for silence. She stared at Blake for a moment and said, "Are you still a part of the White Fang?"

"No," answered Blake.

Weiss was silent for a moment. "…Ok," she said with a nod.

"…'Ok'?" asked Blake. "Ok _what_?"

"If you say you are no longer part of the White Fang, then I believe you," said Weiss. "I trust you."

"You…do?" asked Blake, surprised. "But what about before?"

Weiss fidgeted. "I…I may have said some things that I shouldn't have. You needed someone to talk to, not someone throwing accusations at you. I…I'm sorry."

"I am too," said Blake. "About everything. I should have told you girls who I was sooner."

"It's okay, Blakey," said Yang, walking behind Blake and clapping her on the back, nearly knocking her over, "Everyone's got their secrets! Like how Weiss spent the past two hours fretting about what she was going to say to you when she saw you."

"Really?" asked Blake, smirking slightly at Weiss. "I didn't realize you cared so much."

"O-of course I do!" huffed Weiss, a blush on her face. "You're a skilled warrior and a valuable asset to our team."

"Uh-huh," said Yang, throwing an arm around Weiss's neck. "I seem to remember you saying something like 'Oh Yang! What if Blake doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What if I ruined my chances to totally make out with her? I'll never be able to tap dat Bellabooty!'"

"I-I didn't say that!" yelled Weiss, her face completely red. She escaped from Yang's grasp and said, "I just worried about the friend thing!"

"I'm still your friend, Weiss," said Blake, giggling. "I'm sorry I made you worry about it."

"You…I…" faltered Weiss. She huffed and said, "I hate all of you."

Ruby shot forward, pulling Weiss into a hug. "We love you too!"

Weiss sighed and patted Ruby's head. "…You dunce…" she muttered quietly.

"Were you serious about that making out thing?" asked Sun, walking over to them. "Because I can totally get behind that."

"You!" yelled Weiss, stomping forward. She raised a finger and poked him in the chest. "I may trust Blake, but I'm still keeping an eye on you!" She poked him again. And again. "…Your chest is very firm," she muttered as she continued her poking.

"Thank you!" said Sun. "I work out."

"Speaking of working out," said Ruby, grabbing Yang's arm, "You _have_ to see how Penny fights! She wiped the floor with the White Fang with her swords!"

"…Penny's here?" asked Yang.

"Of course she's here!" said Ruby. She pointed over to the crates and said, "See? Right over…" She paused as she noticed that Penny had vanished. "…Where'd she go?"

Inside a car, Penny looked out the window at Ruby and her friends. "I'm sorry…" she muttered.

"Penny," said the driver, "You should know better than to run around in a strange city. You could've gotten hurt."

"I'm sorry, sir," said Penny. "But I made some friends."

"I'm glad for that," said the driver as he started the car, "Really I am. But…well…just don't forget what your mission is, ok?"

"I understand," said Penny. "Don't worry. I'm combat ready, after all."

"…I know," said the driver, almost sadly. "…Just…just listen to the General when he arrives, ok?

"Of course," nodded Penny. She smiled and said, "I'm sorry I made you worry, Father."

The driver smiled and said, "It's alright." He put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. "Let's just get home, alright? I'm sure you've had a long day."

 _Meanwhile:_

The tablet on the table showed a video of Ruby and her friends chatting.

"They're getting too risky," said Professor Goodwitch, watching the tablet. "If the girl hadn't intervened, Torchwick could have killed all of them." The tablet beeped, prompting her to look at it. "It's from Qrow."

"Open it, please," said Ozpin, his face completely wrapped in bandages.

Goodwitch pressed a button on the tablet and read the message. "Ignoring Qrow's usual misspellings, he's actually got something for you. He says 'Queen has pawns'."

Ozpin was silent, his expression hidden behind his bandages.

"…Sir?" asked Goodwitch. "What are you thinking?"

"…God, I really regret pouring coffee on my face," said Ozpin.

 _Meanwhile_ :

"Ah-ha!" yelled Professor Port as he jumped out in front of a startled Team RWBY, his axe in his hands. "I've finally found you!"

"Professor Port?" asked Weiss.

"What are you doing here?" asked Blake.

"Tracking you truants down!" said Port. He lifted his axe and said, "Now I'm going to-"

"Excuse me, Professor?" asked a voice. Everyone turned to see a woman with light purple hair walking towards them. "Lisa Lavender, Vale News Network. Am I correct in assuming these are your students?"

"Why…yes," said Port, lowering his axe. "Why do you ask?"

"Your students foiled a plot by the White Fang," explained Lisa. "I'd like to interview you for-"

"My life story and involvement in this plan?" suggested Port. He laughed deeply and threw his axe behind him, narrowly missing Sun's head. "I'd be delighted!"

"Um…" began Lisa. "We actually just wanted your thoughts on the matter, so-"

"I was born in a log cabin," began Port. "As a small boy, I wanted a pony. Never got the pony. In fact, we had to eat horse meat during the war. I had a problem with that…"

Team RWBY all looked at each other and quietly crept away, dragging Sun along with them.

 _Later, in a seedier part of town_ :

Torchwick sighed as he walked into the warehouse, a case of Dust in his hands. "Damn kids…" he muttered. "Can't believe this is all the Dust we managed to get…"

"Makes two of us," said a voice.

Torchwick gulped and turned around slowly. "Ah…hello, Cinder. Wasn't…uh…expecting to see you."

"Clearly, or else you would have made sure to get more Dust than that," said Cinder, her heels making a clacking sound as she walked into the warehouse. Two individuals, a tall boy with grey hair and a dark-skinned girl with green hair, followed her into the room.

Torchwick chuckled nervously, gripping his cane tight. "Well…what can I say? Those mutts from the White Fang-"

"Were not in charge," finished Cinder. "Unlike _you_ , Roman." Her golden eyes glowed as she stepped nearer to the criminal.

"Everything was going smoothly," said Torchwick, a small bead of sweat dripping down his forehead, "I was even taking care of some brats that got curious. Then this kid showed up and-"

"A _kid_ ," repeated Cinder. "A _kid_ was able to stop you and your men? A _kid_ is the reason you came crawling back here with only a small case of Dust to show for our efforts?"

"She wasn't an ordinary kid!" protested Torchwick. "She was-"

Cinder raised her hand. Flames enveloped it, casting an orange glow through the room. "Roman," she said, putting her hand close to his face, "You know I don't like excuses. They… _upset_ me. Do you want me upset with you?"

"…Not in the slightest," said Torchwick, trying to wince at the fire near his face.

"I know you don't, Roman," said Cinder. The flames surrounding her hand extinguished themselves. "You know I like results. That's why I'm taking a more…" She reached out, caressing Torchwick's face with her pale hand, " _Personal_ touch."

Torchwick's throat felt very dry. He gulped, nervously looking from the hand on his face to Cinder. "And…ah…what exactly are you going to do?"

Cinder smiled, her eyes glowing eerily in the darkness.

* * *

 **One season down! Chapter 18 will be the start of Season two.**

 **By the way, Port chatted to Lisa Lavender for five hours. And, yes, she hated every second of it.**

 **Didn't stop her from reporting it, though. It was a slow news day.**


	18. Fighting With Food

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 18: Fighting with Food**

It was a bright, sunny day in Vale. People were walking down the sidewalk, chatting to themselves. Cars drove down the street, their drivers screaming obscenities at each other. In this peaceful setting, a decrepit-looking old man was hanging a banner outside of his store.

"There!" said the old man as he finished tying the banner to the sign of his shop. Underneath the words _From Dust Till Dawn_ , the words _Newly Re-Opened_ and _Now 20% Less Likely To Be Robbed By An Asshole In A Bowler Hat_ were proudly displayed on the banner. The old man smiled at the words and started climbing down the ladder.

Two hands suddenly pressed against his side and pushed him to the ground.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" asked a voice.

The old man looked up and noticed a dark-skinned young woman with green hair looking at him in concern. The old man's gaze trailed downward, taking in the girl's skimpy top.

"I wasn't looking where I was going," said the young woman. "I'm sorry. I'm not really from around here."

She bent forward, offering her hand to the man and giving him a generous view of her cleavage.

"Uh…that's alright, Miss…" said the old man, his gaze locked onto her chest. He swallowed, his throat suddenly becoming dry.

"Um…are you just going to stay down there?" asked the girl.

"Oh!" said the old man. He laughed nervously and said, "Sorry aboob… _about_ that. Just…uh…just a little dazed from the fall." He grabbed onto her hand and, with the girl's help, got back on his feet.

The girl stepped closer, looking concerned. Her chest pressed against the old man's as she stared into his eyes. "I'm so sorry! You're not hurt, are you?"

The old man blushed and coughed awkwardly. "No…I'm fine. Tits no problem…I mean, _it's_ no problem."

The girl giggled and stepped away from the man. "Listen…I'm a little embarrassed to ask this, but…" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper with a name on it. "Do you know where this store is? I'm a little lost…"

"Tukson's?" asked the man. "That's just down the road a bit. You can't miss it."

"Really?" said the girl. "Great! Thank you so much! You're a lifesaver!"

"No problem," said the old man. The girl turned and walked away, her hips swaying. The old man watched the girl's rear as she walked down the sidewalk. "The pleasure's all mine…"

"I'm sure it is…" muttered the girl as she kept walking.

As she passed an alleyway, she heard a voice say, "If you didn't want to get stared at, maybe you shouldn't dress like a whore."

The girl frowned and turned around. A young man with grey hair was leaning against the wall, grinning smugly at her. "Mercury," snarled the girl, "You're a pig."

"You know you love it," said Mercury as the girl stomped over to him.

The girl sighed and pulled out a wallet. "How much do I have to pay you to shut your fucking mouth?"

"Well gosh, Emerald," said Mercury, "Seeing as that's not _your_ money, I'm going to have to turn you down. That old guy you pawed might realize you stole his wallet and call the cops."

"That's why you don't keep the wallet," said Emerald, pulling the cash out of the wallet and then throwing it aside.

"I'm still going to turn you down," said Mercury. "You couldn't afford my silence. But I could find… _other_ uses for my mouth, if you're interested."

Emerald scoffed and pocketed the money. "I bet you say that to all the boys."

"Cute," said Mercury, pushing himself off the wall. "Did you bother to find out where we're supposed to go, or were you having too much fun frisking that old guy?"

Emerald rolled her eyes. "Just follow me, asshole. Tuskon's shop is just down the road." With that, she turned and stomped away. Mercury chuckled to himself and followed her.

As they walked down the road, the two took note of all the people passing by. Cars rolled down the street and people of all shapes and sizes were walking to their destinations without a care in the world.

"…I'm glad these guys aren't black anymore," said Mercury as he watched the people walking by.

Emerald froze. She turned around, a look of outrage on her face. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Mercury's eyes widened and he quickly stammered, "Th-that's not what I meant! I meant it's cool that everyone is detailed now!"

Emerald scoffed and said, "So the animators finally got off their lazy asses and put in some extra work. Who cares?"

 _In another universe_ :

Miles Luna looked around the empty office. "Kerry? Did it feel like someone just insulted us?"

Kerry Shawcross tore his attention away from his computer and looked at Miles with a deadpan expression. "We _do_ work at Rooster Teeth, remember?"

"Good point," conceded Miles. He turned back to his own computer and asked, "Hey, what if I made Felix a bad guy in RVB?"

Kerry thought for a minute. "…Nah. It'd never catch on."

 _Back in Vale_ :

"This place is so boring," muttered Mercury. "I can't wait for the Grimm to-"

"Hey, Stupid?" interrupted Emerald. "How about we try to _not_ shout out the plan to everybody?"

"What's the big deal?" questioned Mercury with a shrug. "These guys are all background characters. Watch." He reached out and grabbed ahold of a random man. "Sir," he began, "I want to kill you. I want to see you broken and bleeding. I want you to die a horrible death while I laugh hysterically."

The man blinked. Then he laughed and patted Mercury on the back. "Man, you foreigners sure are funny!" he said, chuckling. He walked away, chortling to himself.

Mercury shot Emerald a smug look. She rolled her eyes in response and continued walking.

Soon enough, the two found themselves in a dusty old bookshop filled with dusty old books. Mercury wandered over to one of the shelves and looked at some of the titles. "Mmm… _I Wear Headphones Into Battle And So Can You_ …" He took the book off the shelf and began reading.

Emerald walked to the counter and rang the bell.

They waited for several minutes.

Emerald reached out and rang the bell again.

There was silence for a few more minutes.

"What the hell?" questioned Emerald, reaching out to ring the bell again.

A large, hairy hand cupped the bell before she could touch it again. "I heard ya the first time, bub!" yelled the owner of the hand, who was a tall hairy man with large black sideburns. He threw the bell behind him, where it smashed against the wall. "Welcome to Tuskon's Book Trade, bub! What can I do for ya?"

"Just browsing," said Mercury. He put the book down and picked up another. "Hmm… _My Watch Can Turn Me Into Aliens: A True Story_ …"

"I was hoping you could help me find something," said Emerald, smiling at Tuskon. "Do you have any copies of _The Thief And The Butcher_?"

" _Do_ I have a copy…" said Tuskon before laughing uproariously. "Listen, Darlin', I got every book under the sun."

Mercury shut the book he was reading and put it down. He grabbed another and read, " _Cloning Blues: The Luke fon Fabre Story_ …"

"What about _Violet's Garden_?" question Emerald.

"Got it!" said Mercury, browsing the shelves again. "And he's got _Deckers vs. Saints_!" He turned to Tuskon and asked, "Got any manga?"

"Near the front, bub," said Tuskon.

"What about _Third Crusade_?" asked Emerald, smirking slightly.

"…I just gave away my last copy to one of my regulars," said Tuskon. "She's about your guys' age. Her name's Blake. Do you know her?"

"Nope," said Mercury, who was reading the first volume of _My Name Is Yuri, Laugh It Up_.

"Hmm…" hummed Emerald. "So much for 'every book under the sun', huh?"

"…I mean…" began Tuskon. "We _do_ restock on Tuesdays."

"And you're going to be here to make sure _Third Crusade_ will be back on the shelves?" asked Mercury, skimming the collector's edition of _Oh God, My Eyes Are Bleeding_ by S. Uchiha.

"That's the plan, bub," replied Tuskon.

"Is it?" asked Emerald. "That's not what I heard."

Mercury put down the manga and walked over to the light switch at the front of the store. He dimmed the lights, causing the store's windows to darken.

"I _heard_ that you were planning on leaving town," continued Emerald. "Isn't that _hilarious_?"

"That I'm leaving town?" asked Tuskon.

"That you thought you'd live long enough to get the chance," said Mercury, locking the front door.

Tuskon chuckled mirthlessly as Emerald backed away from the counter. "Well…the White Fang doesn't really accept resignations anymore, bub," he said.

"Neither do we," said Emerald as she stood next to Mercury. "You know who we are. You know why we're here. So the question is this…do you want to die quickly or do you want to make this messy?"

"Messy," snarled Tuskon, baring his teeth at the two. His fingernails suddenly grew into razor-sharp claws. With a roar, he leapt at the two…

 _Meanwhile_ :

The students in Beacon's cafeteria chatted amongst themselves as they ate. They laughed, chewed with their mouths open, and were, in general, putting on an obnoxious display. However, one student was sitting in silence at her table.

Blake sighed as she looked down at the notebook on the table. She lightly trailed her finger over a sketch of a man with a sword.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Yang, sliding up to Blake.

"Nothing," said Blake quickly. "Just looking at notes for Oobleck's class."

"I don't recall Professor Oobleck talking about a man with a sword," said a voice. Blake turned her head to see Weiss peering at her notebook. "Is he a friend of yours?"

"Or a boyfriend?" teased Yang. She looked at the drawing and said, "He doesn't look that tough. I bet I could take him."

"Look, it's not important." Blake shut the notebook as she turned to look at Yang. "And you shouldn't just judge a book by its cover. One of these days you're going to underestimate someone you shouldn't."

"Thanks Coach," said Yang, rolling her eyes. "I'll be sure to remember that." She casually moved her head and opened her mouth. A marshmallow flew into her mouth and landed on her tongue. Yang shut her mouth and chewed, looking smugly at Blake and Weiss.

"Where…did that come from?" asked Weiss.

Yang pointed to the table across from theirs, where Team JNPR was sitting. Nora waved cheerily at Weiss, Ren was providing more marshmallow ammunition for Nora, Pyrrha was batting her eyelashes and Jaune, and Jaune winked creepily at Weiss.

Weiss shuddered. She turned to Yang and said, "If you end up throwing something back at them, aim for the blond one."

At the JNPR table, Jaune stretched and winced. "Ow…" he muttered, putting a hand on his back.

"What's wrong?" asked Pyrrha, looking at him in concern.

"Oh…gee…I don't know…" said Jaune. "It could be that I spent all weekend sleeping in the hallway because _somebody_ keeps locking me out."

"Sorry Jaune," said Pyrrha, "Ren and I wanted to unlock the door, but Nora wouldn't let us."

"She said she thought the boogeyman was after her and trying to get into the room," said Ren.

"So?" asked Jaune. "Nora has a giant fucking hammer that shoots grenades."

"Bitch, I ain't takin' no chances," said Nora, tossing another marshmallow at Yang.

Yang caught the marshmallow in her mouth and grinned at Nora. Without swallowing, she said, "You're going to have to do better than that if you want to beat-"

A large binder was suddenly slammed onto the table, making Yang choke. "Oh god, finally…" muttered Ruby as she panted. She leaned on the table and took greedy gulps of air. "That…was…so heavy…"

"Ruby?" asked Blake, staring at the binder. "What…is _that_?"

Ruby cleared her throat and said, "Sisters! Friends!" She looked at Weiss and grinned. "Snuggle Buddies."

"We slept in the same bed _once_!" hissed Weiss, blushing slightly.

"Four score and seven minutes ago, I had a dream!" said Ruby. "A dream…to make Beacon great again!"

"Oh god…" muttered Blake.

"And how do we do that, I hear you ask?" continued Ruby.

Yang looked around. "Um…n-no one said anything…" She opened her mouth and caught a strawberry.

"Change! Change is how we'll accomplish this dream!" shouted Ruby. She leapt up onto the table and said, "But we can only do this together! Together we can create! Together we will succeed! Together we will have the most fun that anyone has ever had!"

"Is that _my_ binder?" asked Weiss, clearly seeing her name on the front cover.

Ruby knelt on the table and cupped Weiss's face in her hands. "I'm sorry. I don't want to be a crook, that's not my business. I don't want to steal or lie to anyone. I want to help everyone if possible. Heiress," she let go of Weiss and pointed to Yang, "Sisters…" She turned to Blake, leaned in, and whispered, "Kitty cats…" She leaned back and gestured to the three girls. "Friends. We all want everyone to have fun, people are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise our time at Beacon. Our way of life can be fun and exciting, but we have lost the way."

"What is she doing?" asked Pyrrha, watching Ruby.

"I think she's quoting Robert Downey Jr.," said Jaune.

"Homework has poisoned our souls," continued Ruby, "Has barricaded our world in textbooks, has lectured us into lethargy and tediousness. We gain an education, but we shut ourselves in classrooms. Professors that give us lessons have left us bored. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than education, we need amusement. More than cleverness, we need fun and laughter. Without these qualities our life at this combat school will be violent and all will be lost…"

"Is there a point to this?" asked Weiss.

"I'm sure it's coming," said Yang, catching an apple in her mouth.

"Team RWBY!" shouted Ruby, making them all jump. "Don't give yourselves to professors! Educators who lecture you, keep you locked up in classrooms, who judge your lives, tell you what to do, what to think, and what to feel! Who drill you, tell you that you can't bring your giant scythe to class, treat you like soldiers, use you as means to a paycheck! Don't give yourselves to these unnatural teachers! Mean teachers, with mean eyes and mean hearts! You are not soldiers! You are not means to a paycheck! You are women! You are Huntresses! You have the love of fun in your hearts! You don't hate! Only the bored hate! The bored and the unnatural! Team RWBY! Don't fight for boredom! Fight for fun!"

"Ruby-" began Blake.

"Then, in the name of fun, let us unite! Let's fight for a new world, a fun world! A world that will give teenagers a time to relax, that will give us fun memories to look back on when we're older! By the promise of these things, the professors have risen to power! But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise! They never will!"

"Ruby…people are staring…" muttered Weiss, painfully aware of the rest of the cafeteria staring at Ruby.

"Professors free themselves and enslave us students! Now, let us go and fulfill that promise! Let's fight for a new world, to do away with homework…to do away with lectures and classes and essays. Let's fight for a world of fun, a world where we can be free to do what we want, _when_ we want! Team RWBY! In the name of fun…let us UNITE!"

The cafeteria broke out into loud applause. Whistles and cheers could be heard from all corners of the room. Team CRDL sniffed and wiped tears out of their eyes.

"That's awesome, Ruby!" said Yang proudly. "So…what should we do first?"

"Hmm?" hummed Ruby, looking down at her sister. "I don't know. I spent all my time working on my speech. Why don't you guys come up with something for once?"

Weiss sighed. "Putting aside the fact that you blatantly _stole_ my binder, you picked a fine time to decide that we need more fun. We've been on break for two weeks and classes start again tomorrow. What do you think we can do in _one_ day?"

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" yelled Nora. She ducked underneath Team JNPR's table, lifted it, and threw it at Team RWBY. "FOOD FIGHT!"

 _Meanwhile_ :

"So there we were, facing down the White Fang," recounted Sun as he walked down the path outside the cafeteria. "Blake was like 'Ohmigawd, Torchwick plz don't kill me', and Torchwick was like 'Too bad guuurl, I run this city wit' my crew'. So I was like 'Not today, bitch' and I swooped down to fight Torchwick. I threw a banana peel at him, Neptune. A banana _peel_. It was awesome."

"Sounds like it," said Sun's friend, a tan boy with bright blue hair. "Glad you met someone, man. People back home were starting to wonder about us…"

"Hmm?" said Sun. "What do you mean?"

"Well…it's just…you know…" said Neptune awkwardly. "Look, our team is all guys, right?"

"Right," said Sun. "And?"

"Well…you know…" continued Neptune. "We're not the most…unattractive guys, you know."

"We're some sexy sons of bitches, yes," nodded Sun. A couple of passing girls giggled at his comment, causing him to grin and wink at them.

"Dude, don't say things like that!" said Neptune. "This is why people think our team is…well…"

Sun rolled his eyes and clapped his friend on the back, "You worry too much about what people think. If they talk shit about us, then fuck 'em. Who cares?"

"Yeah…" muttered Neptune. "I guess…" He cleared his throat and said, "So this girl…her name's Blake?"

"Yeah!" said Sun. "Oh man, you should see her! She's smart and pretty and she makes little sarcastic comments like 'You're an idiot, Sun' and 'I'm too busy for this shit right now'." He chuckled. "What a fox…"

"I thought you said she was a cat?" asked Neptune.

"Shh!" shushed Sun, clapping a hand over Neptune's mouth. "She doesn't want anybody to know that she's a Faunus!" he whispered. "You gotta keep it a secret! And don't tell her I told you!"

Neptune grabbed Sun's wrist and pulled his hand away from his mouth. "Alright, I got it," he said. "Now can we-"

Sun put his hand over Neptune's mouth again. "And you can't tell Scarlet! He'll just fucking barf it up to whoever's passing by."

Neptune pulled Sun's hand away from his mouth. He opened his mouth-

Sun immediately clapped his hand over Neptune's mouth again and said, "You can't tell Sage either!" He paused and thought for a moment. "…Well, I guess Sage is okay. He doesn't really talk a lot, so…"

Neptune reached up to grab Sun's wrist, but paused. He pointed at Sun's hand and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm done," said Sun, not removing his hand.

Neptune grabbed Sun's wrist and pulled his hand away from his face. "I got it, alright? Trust me."

Sun sighed and said, "Thanks man." They continued walking. As they passed the cafeteria's windows, they failed to notice the food and drinks being splattered against the glass. "I just don't want to fuck things up with Blake, you know? She's amazing and her friends are all really cool!"

There was a loud thud and the two boys looked at the window. Jaune had apparently been thrown at the window next to them. His face was pressed against the glass. His mouth was open and the two boys could make out a quiet whimper of pain. Jaune slowly began sliding down the glass, making loud squeaking noises as he began his slow descent to the floor.

"…See what I mean?" asked Sun. He gave Jaune a thumbs-up. "Lookin' good, Jaune!"

"Thanks…" muttered Jaune, as he slid out of sight.

"Come on!" said Sun, slapping Neptune on the back. "We gotta see what's happening!" He ran to the cafeteria door, forcing Neptune to follow him. Sun reached out to grab the handle on the door-

The door burst open before Sun could even touch it. Dozens of panicking students rushed past, screaming.

"My hair!" screamed one. "There's nacho cheese in my hair!"

"My pizza! RUINED!" sobbed another.

"GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?!" yelled a student, several plastic sporks embedded in his back.

Sun and Neptune watched as the stampeding students disappeared around the corner. Suddenly, evil laughter reached their ears. They both slowly turned around and peered into the cafeteria.

"Sun?" whispered Neptune, terrified. He raised a shaky hand and pointed into the room. "What is _that_?"

Sun grinned and said, "That's Nora." He pushed Neptune into the cafeteria and shut the door behind him.

In the middle of the room, atop a mountain of upturned tables, vending machines, and chairs, Nora was laughing triumphantly. "I'm queen of the castle! Bow down you infidels!"

On the opposite side of the room, Ruby poked her head out from under a bunker of tables. "We will never bow down to you! We're going to stop your reign of tyranny!"

"My reign of tyranny has only _just_ begun!" yelled Nora. She snapped her fingers and the rest of Team JNPR jumped onto the "castle". "I, Queen Nora, with the help of Knight-Commander Pyrrha, Grand Vizier Ren, and Court Jester Jaune will see you defeated, Red Leader!"

"Court jester?" repeated Jaune indignantly. He glared up at Nora and asked, "Why am I the court jester?!"

"Because you're likable and you make people happy," answered Nora matter-of-factly.

"Oh," said Jaune, his anger disappearing. "Wow…um…thank you, Nora. I didn't know you felt that way."

"Are you kidding? You're the best!" said Nora sincerely. "Every time we tell people that you're the team leader, they get this big smile on their faces. And they laugh and laugh!"

"Right…" sighed Jaune. He looked over at Ren and said, "I don't suppose there's any way you can stop this, is there?"

Ren looked at him, his eyes narrowing slightly. "That sounds like treason," he said emotionlessly. He held up a plastic spork threateningly.

Jaune felt cold sweat drip down his forehead as he stared at the spork. "I mean…uh…long live Queen Nora?"

"Damn right," said Ren, lowering the spork.

Ruby crouched down in her makeshift bunker and pulled out her scroll. "Red Leader calling RWBY Squadron," she whispered into the scroll. "Are you in position?"

"Copy that, Red Leader," said Yang's voice. "Yellow Four standing by."

"Black Three is in position," said Blake's voice.

"White Two is in position," answered Weiss. "Thank you for coming up with better codenames, by the way."

"I still don't know why you didn't like Snow Angel," said Ruby.

"Because only an idiot would like that name," said Weiss. "Now…are we ready?"

"Copy that, White Two," said Ruby, peering out at Team JNPR. "Begin Operation Thanksgiving!"

Pyrrha looked over at Ruby's bunker and said, "She knows she just shouted that, right?"

"Probably not," answered Jaune. "What the hell did she mean, Operation Thanks-"

Jaune wheezed as something hot and poultry-shaped collided with his chest, sending flying off the makeshift castle.

"…Was that a turkey?" asked Ren, watching as Jaune hit the floor with a thud.

"Incoming!" shouted Pyrrha.

Another cooked turkey was rocketing towards them. Thanks to Pyrrha's warning, the three of them jumped off the castle as the poultry-projectile hit the table Jaune had been standing in front of. The table was sent flying back into the wall, where it broke into pieces. With part of its support gone, the makeshift castle collapsed on itself.

Pyrrha rolled as she hit the ground and was back on her feet in an instant. She quickly ducked as Blake dropped down in front of her, swinging two baguettes like swords. Pyrrha jumped backwards, grabbing a baguette from the floor in the process. She leapt back towards Blake, slashing with the bread. Blake was forced to block the assault with her baguettes, slashing back at Pyrrha when she saw an opening. Pyrrha quickly deflected the attack and locked her bread blade with Blake's. Sparks seemed to fly as the two warriors pushed their weapons against each other.

"How…stale is this bread?" questioned Blake as she struggled to hold off Pyrrha.

"I'm sort of glad we didn't try to eat this," replied Pyrrha, slowly pushing Blake back.

Blake jumped away and threw one of the baguettes at Pyrrha, who caught it easily and threw it like a spear back at Blake. Blake wheezed as the bread collided with her stomach. The force of the blow launched her backwards.

There was a flash of yellow as Yang leapt into the air to catch Blake. She gently set her down and glared at Pyrrha. "I'd like to see you do that to me!" she challenged.

"Okay," said Pyrrha, launching baguette after baguette at Yang.

"Shit, I didn't mean it!" said Yang, desperately breaking and blocking the bread before it hit her. She was too slow, however, and a stray baguette hit her in the chest and knocked her to the floor.

Ruby slid down one of the remaining tables with a lunch tray. She quickly grabbed one of the thrown baguettes and tossed it back at Pyrrha, who was forced to duck. Ruby jumped into the air and kicked the tray at Pyrrha. The tray hit her in the face and sent her flying back towards the ruined castle.

Ren and Nora quickly ran forward to combat Ruby. Just as they were getting close, however, Weiss suddenly shot out from behind Ruby. She was wielding a bottle of ketchup, which she aimed at Ren. She squeezed the bottle and the red condiment shot out and splattered against Ren's face. Blinded, Ren stumbled and fell into one of the tables, sending dishes and food everywhere.

Nora growled and jumped into the air. She grabbed a metal pole above one of the windows and broke it. Using the jagged end, she stabbed into a watermelon that was on the floor, creating a makeshift mallet. She swung at Weiss, only to hit Ruby, who jumped in front of the attack.

As Ruby was sent flying from the hit, Weiss flipped to the side and grabbed a swordfish that was on the floor.

"Wait…they serve swordfish here?" asked Nora. "Since when? And why?!"

"Seeing how it can serve as a replacement weapon for me, I don't really care," said Weiss, pointing the swordfish at Nora. She shot forward and stabbed at Nora with the fish, sending her flying backwards.

Nora flipped backwards and landed on her feet. "You could poke someone's eye out with that!" she called. "It's dangerous!"

"And a fucking watermelon mallet _isn't_?!" asked Weiss.

"Of course not!" answered Nora. She grinned and said, "It's _fun_!" With a battle cry, she leapt into the air and attempted to smash Weiss with the hammer. Weiss dodged and tried stabbing at Nora, who blocked the attack. Nora landed and swung the hammer, catching Weiss in the side and sending her flying into a pillar.

Ruby gasped as she saw Weiss hit the pillar, shattering it. She rushed forward and caught Weiss out of the air. She landed and fell to her knees, with Weiss unconscious in her arms.

"Weiss?" she asked, gently shaking the other girl. "Weiss! WEIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!"

Weiss's hand reached up and lightly smacked Ruby's head. "Stop shouting, you dunce!" yelled Weiss, opening her eyes. She winced and touched her head. "I have a headache…"

"Sorry," said Ruby sheepishly. She looked over at Yang, who had gotten back on her feet. "Yang, could you take Nora out?"

"I would, but I'm pretty sure she's into Ren," answered Yang.

"We're not together-together!" shouted Nora from across the room. Even from a distance, Ruby and Yang could see that her face was bright red.

"I meant attack her!" clarified Ruby.

"Oh!" said Yang. She smiled and said, "I can do that." She leapt back into the middle of the room, shoving her fists into two cooked turkeys as she did so.

On the other side of the room, Ren grabbed two leeks and rushed to meet Yang. Yang swung her foot out, attempting to kick Ren. Her plans failed as Ren used the leeks to grab onto her foot and stop her. The two warriors stood still for a moment, glaring at each other.

"...Strong block there, Ren," said Yang, attempting to get her foot loose. "It's almost like you know how I fight."

"I mean…we _do_ share a combat class together," said Ren.

"True," nodded Yang, "But I think you have some inside information." She smiled and said, "Come on, tell me who _leeked_ my techniques to you."

Realizing the pun, Ren closed his eyes and gave a long-suffering sigh. "…You know I can see up your skirt like this, right?"

Yang's eyes widened. "W-what?!" she yelled with a blush on her face.

"Got you," said Ren, his eyes opening. He dropped his guard, freeing the distracted Yang's foot. He swung the leeks at Yang, scoring several hits on her.

Yang quickly got over her shock and began punching Ren. Letting loose with a flurry of punches, Yang hit him over and over. She gave him and uppercut and sent him launching into the air.

In the air, Ren threw his leeks at Yang, which hit her. Dazed, Yang was unprepared for Nora, who swung her mallet upwards and launched Yang into the air. Yang crashed through the ceiling and disappeared from sight.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Professor Ozpin was in his office, facing the window. As he gazed at his school, he took a sip of coffee from his mug. He felt at peace.

"James left you a message," said a voice.

Ozpin sighed. _So much for that_ , he thought. He turned around to see Professor Goodwitch standing by his desk, scroll in hand. "What did he say?" asked Ozpin.

Goodwitch rolled her eyes. "He rambled on for a few minutes about how I would do much better in Atlas than here. Blundered his way into an innuendo about me 'working under him'. Called you an asshole."

Ozpin turned around and went back to staring out the window. "So, the usual then?" he asked, taking another sip of coffee.

"He also said that he's coming for a visit," continued Goodwitch. "He wants to see how preparations for the Vytal Festival are going."

"And complain that we aren't doing enough about security and how _he_ would do a much better job at ensuring the safety of the attendees," finished Ozpin. He sighed and said, "This is going to be a headache."

"At least he doesn't proposition you," countered Goodwitch.

Ozpin chuckled and said, "True. I'm afraid I'm not his type." He frowned for a moment as he looked at something outside. "…Speaking of propositions, how about we go down to the cafeteria?"

"The cafeteria?" repeated Goodwitch. "Why?"

Ozpin pointed at a blonde figure currently rising into the clouds. "Because Miss Xiao Long is currently entering the troposphere and I'm curious as to why."

 _Back in the cafeteria_ :

Blake swung a long chain of sausage links at Nora, striking her in the chest. Nora flew backwards and hit one of the toppled vending machines in the ruins of her makeshift castle. Broken, the machine started spitting out cans of grape soda. Nora jumped back up and started throwing the sodas at Blake, causing explosions of grape-flavored liquid as the cans hit the ground. Blake was forced to jump around to avoid the caffeinated assault.

The tables of the ruined castle were pushed aside as Pyrrha staggered out. She shook her head and looked down at the cans littering the ground. Smirking, she reached down and activated her Semblance. The cans glowed black as they were lifted off the ground. Pyrrha pointed at Blake and the cans rocketed towards her. Blake grunted as can after can of sugary drink hit her. She was thrown back into the wall and fell to the floor, cans piling around her. Pyrrha reached out one arm and made a fist. The cans surrounding Blake were squeezed by an invisible force, causing them to explode. Blake, now covered in soda, was launched into the air and landed at Ruby's feet.

"Blake!" said Ruby, kneeling down to check on her defeated comrade.

"I thought soda…was supposed to be a _soft_ drink…" muttered Blake.

On the other side of the cafeteria, Pyrrha and Ren walked over and stood by Nora. Nora laughed triumphantly and shouted, "Your army is defeated, Red Leader! Give up now and we'll show you mercy!"

"NEVER!" screamed Ruby dramatically. She hopped on a nearby table and crouched. She activated her Semblance and shot down the table. She moved so fast, it was like a whirlwind. Food, plates, and soda cans were picked up by the wind and pulled along behind Ruby.

Jaune panted as he stumbled over to his team. "Man…that turkey…was no joke!" he said, trying to get his breath back. He inhaled deeply and said, "Ok guys, I'm ready do some badass moves for this food fight. First, I think we should-"

"Um…Jaune?" said Pyrrha. She pointed at the incoming Ruby and the tornado of food that was directly behind her.

Jaune turned and looked at the meal maelstrom about to devour himself and his team. He turned back to Pyrrha and calmly muttered, "Fuck."

Ruby went into a corkscrew, her cloak wrapping around her as she did so. She shot past Team JNPR, who were blown back into the wall by the sheer force of Ruby's speed. The debris that Ruby had picked splattered, shattered, and battered Team JNPR, completely covering them in food and soda. Ruby slid on the ground as she reduced her speed, the floor shattering beneath her.

"…We'll…call it…a draw…" groaned Nora. She and the other JNPR members slowly dropped from the stained wall to the broken floor.

"That was so cool!" cheered Sun from the doorway.

"AHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" yelled Neptune, who was covered in grape soda.

"Relax," said Sun. "It's soda, not water."

"Oh," replied Neptune, calming down. "Alright then."

The door suddenly burst open and Professor Goodwitch stormed in.

"Assassin!" shrieked Ruby. She picked up a plate of food and threw it at the Professor.

Goodwitch waved her riding crop and the plate froze in midair. She waved the crop again and all the tables, plates, food, vending machines, and broken concrete went back to its proper place. Within seconds, it looked like the food fight had never happened…aside from the food covering Team RWBY and Team JNPR's clothes.

Goodwitch narrowed her eyes at the seven students before her. "Children…if you're going to splatter substances of a dubious nature on each other, you should at least do it in my office." She smiled and licked her riding crop. "In front of my video camera."

"…Say what?" asked Team RWBY and JNPR in unison.

The ceiling broke again as Yang suddenly dropped into the room. "Ow…" she muttered from the crater she made in the floor.

Professor Goodwitch's eye twitched as she repaired the damage again. "The eight of you will be given detention for-"

"Yeah, gonna have to stop you there," said Professor Ozpin, walking into the room. "They were just having some harmless fun."

Goodwitch turned to stare at him. "Miss Valkyrie launched her fellow classmate into orbit. Miss Rose just demolished the cafeteria."

"Harmless fun," repeated Ozpin. "So no punishments!"

Teams RWBY and JNPR cheered. Goodwitch sighed and rubbed her temples, feeling a massive headache coming on.

"Hey," said Ozpin, resting a hand on her shoulder, "You fixed everything, ok? It's not that big of a deal." He chuckled and said, "At least they were fighting with food and not their weapons."

"I'd almost prefer that," muttered Goodwitch. "They're going to be tasked with defending humanity. And they're here…acting like children."

"That's what they are," said Ozpin. He sighed and said, "Look, I have this feeling that this show is going to get very dark very soon. Let them have a chance to be happy." He turned and walked away. "…They won't stay that way forever."

Professor Goodwitch watched him leave the building, a sad look on her face.

"FOOD FIGHT! PART TWO!" yelled Nora from behind her.

Goodwitch sighed and prepared to clean up the damage.

 _Meanwhile, in an abandoned (secretly not-abandoned) warehouse :_

Mercury and Emerald walked into the warehouse, watching as the White Fang members around them unloaded Dust from a Bullhead. Ignoring the noise of the men working, the two walked to the back of the warehouse, where Roman Torchwick was staring at a map of Vale.

"Roman," said Emerald.

Torchwick looked over at the two. "Well, if it isn't the kids. Did Mama Cinder send you to check up on me? God, I feel like I'm going to have to start paying child support soon."

Emerald gagged. "Please don't act like we're related. It's creepy."

"But why not?" asked Torchwick. "I've always felt like I was sort of a father figure to you two. Teaching you how to be a grown-up…watching you commit crimes of increasingly larger scale…proudly watch as you take control of the gangs in your neighborhood and rule over them with an iron fist." He sniffed and said, "It's what my dad did with me."

"You know I killed my actual dad, right?" asked Mercury.

"Yeah, I did too," said Torchwick. He took out a handkerchief and dabbed his eyes. "Ah…these happy memories always get me weepy…"

"Careful, or your mascara will run," said Emerald.

Torchwick's mouth twitched in what might have been amusement or rage. "Funny…" he said, twisting the handkerchief in his hands. "Speaking of funny, I hear you two were up to some pretty interesting things today. Something about killing a loose end?"

Emerald's eyes went wide. "How did you-"

"I've got my sources," said Torchwick. He smiled and said, "And here she comes now!"

Emerald and Mercury turned to see a short woman with pink and brown hair strolling towards them. She winked at the two as she passed.

"Ice cream's in the fridge, Neo," said Torchwick, smiling. "Thanks for your hard work."

Neo smiled excitedly and walked off, not making a sound.

Torchwick chuckled and said, "Man, I really need to thank Cinder for hiring Neo. It's so nice to have an associate who's professional, effective-"

"Can we get back on track?" asked Mercury.

"...Silent," finished Torchwick. He sighed and said, "So…why did you two decide to murder my stray little mutt?"

"You obviously weren't doing anything about it," said Mercury.

"I had it under control," replied Torchwick.

"Really?" asked Mercury. "Then why did the guy have two packed bags and a ticket out of Vale?"

Torchwick sighed and looked at Mercury. "Listen. I've got a lot… _a lot_ on my plate right now. I was going to have Neo slit the guy's throat in his sleep. I definitely don't need two amateurs fucking up my operations."

"We wouldn't dream of doing anything like that Roman," said Emerald. She smirked and said, "You seem to be doing just fine at fucking up our operations by yourself."

A vein throbbed in Torchwick's forehead. "You want to know something?" he asked, his voice seething with rage. "I fucking hate brats like you two. If I had things my way, I would cut you both into neat little cubes of meat and deliver you personally to Cinder's front door." He gripped his can threateningly. "However-"

"It is _not_ up to you."

Torchwick's eyes widened as he turned around. The White Fang members had stopped working. They were staring and shaking as a woman in a long red dress stepped past them.

"C-Cinder…" said Torchwick nervously.

"Cinder!" said Emerald happily.

Cinder smiled as she walked towards Torchwick. "Roman. Didn't I tell _you_ to eliminate our little runaway?"

Torchwick laughed nervously. "I was going to. You see, murder kind of works best when it's not _broad daylight_ where _anyone_ can just waltz in and see it."

"If we had waited any longer, he would have headed to Vacuo!" said Emerald. "Mercury and I decided to-"

"Emerald," interrupted Cinder. She stepped towards the girl and slapped her hard across the face. "You will speak when and _only when_ you are spoken to. Is that clear?"

Emerald bit her lip and rested a hand on her bruised cheek. "Yes ma'am," she muttered, a small trail of blood leaking out of her mouth.

Cinder looked at Mercury, who took a step backwards. "Mercury. What did I tell you to do while you were in Vale?"

Mercury gulped. "To…avoid drawing attention to ourselves?"

Cinder nodded, not taking her eyes off him. "And do you think that murdering a man in broad daylight was the best way to accomplish that?"

"…No ma'am," he muttered.

"Smart boy," said Cinder mockingly. "Luckily for you, the traitor was a Faunus. The police won't look too deeply into his murder." She regarded Emerald and Mercury and said, "Please remember that you are to do _nothing_ without my approval." Her hands twitched and started glowing orange. "I won't be as forgiving as I am now if you do so again."

"Yes ma'am," said Emerald and Mercury in unison.

"And Roman," said Cinder, turning to face Torchwick, who managed not to flinch. "The next time I give you a job to do, see that it gets completed. My patience with you is running thin."

Torchwick sighed. "Listen, I've been a little preoccupied." He gestured at the various crates of Dust around the room. "All this Dust won't steal itself, you know. You could have had the _actual_ leader of the White Fang pull his weight."

"Adam is…busy," said Cinder.

 _Meanwhile_ :

The White Fang solider yipped in fear as the crimson blade stabbed the wall above his head. The soldier fell on his rear, looking up in fear at the man before him.

"What did you just say?" asked Adam Taurus.

"I-I'm just telling you what we got from the guys who were at the docks with Torchwick!" said the soldier. "They said that Belladonna was in Vale!"

" _That_ part I understand," hissed Adam, his mask obscuring his enraged face. "What do you mean she wasn't alone?!"

"That's what they said!" pleaded the solider. "They said she was with some blond that showed a lot of skin!"

"Get out!" yelled Adam, ripping his sword from the wall. The soldier scrambled to his feet and quickly fled from the room. Adam sheathed his sword and muttered, "A blonde showing a lot of skin, huh? We'll see about that… _my darling_."

 _Back in Vale_ :

"In any case," continued Cinder, "I didn't give the job to _Adam_. I gave it to _you_. And I expected results."

"And you would've gotten them had your charity cases not jumped the gun," argued Torchwick. He held up his hands defensively. "Look, the guy got killed. There's no sense in pointing fingers over an outcome we all wanted." He pointed at Cinder. "Your kids killed the traitor, and I've gotten you more Dust than you know what to do with."

"That's a rather poor attempt to appease me," said Cinder, "But you're right. We need to focus on the next stage of our plan."

"Great, the next stage!" said Torchwick. "And if you would mind letting _me_ in on this grand plan of yours, I _might_ be able to pull off my part without a hitch."

Cinder chuckled. "Roman. You're forgetting your place in this. You are not a partner. You are a _tool_." She reached out and caressed his face. "But don't worry. You'll know what you _need_ to know when you _need_ to know it."

Torchwick didn't dare move. "…Fine," he muttered begrudgingly.

Cinder smiled and pulled her hand away. "You'll enjoy this next part. We're done with Dust."

"We…are?" asked Torchwick. "What do you want me to do?"

"As of right now, I need you and the White Fang to clear this building," said Cinder. She started walking away, snapping her fingers to get Mercury and Emerald to follow her. "I'll send you coordinates and details tonight."

"Coordinates?" questioned Torchwick. "For what?"

Cinder smirked as she walked towards the exit of the warehouse. "Phase two."


	19. Old Friends, New Insults

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 19: Old Friends, New Insults**

On Beacon's grounds, students looked up in awe as dozens of airships and Bullheads flew overhead. A large aircraft landed in the landing zone in front of the academy. The doors opened and dozens of young adults of all shapes and sizes stepped out and gazed in awe at Beacon. These young adults were promptly shoved out of the way as armored soldiers carrying weapons marched off the aircraft and headed towards the academy.

Far up in Beacon's tallest tower, Professor Goodwitch rubbed her eyes as she watched the soldiers get closer to the school. "Once again, James has proven that he has all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop," she muttered.

"Well," said Professor Ozpin, taking a sip from the mug in his hand, "You can't deny that he knows how to make an entrance."

There was a beeping from the desk behind them. Ozpin turned and saw a holographic screen flashing above the desk. "Speak of the devil," muttered Ozpin. He cleared his throat and said, "Come in."

The doors opened to reveal a stern-looking man wearing formal military attire. "Ozpin!" greeted the man as he stomped into the room.

"General Ironwood," greeted Ozpin.

"Drop the formalities, you old bastard. I've known you for too long for you to be polite now," said the man. He chuckled and said, "Aren't you going to tell me how foolish it was to bring my fleet here?" He held out a gloved hand. His other, ungloved hand remained stiffly at his side.

"I would never presume to criticize your methods, James," said Ozpin, taking the offered hand and shaking it. "After all, your troops aren't staying, are they? _Beacon_ is providing the security for the Vytal Festival, if you recall."

"Ah…yes…" said Ironwood, baring his teeth in an attempt to appear smiling. He tightened the grip of the hand Ozpin was grasping and said, "That… _unfortunate_ fact aside, it's been far too long. It's good to see you're doing well."

"Indeed," said Ozpin, showing no discomfort on his face despite the tight grip on his hand. "And it's nice to see that you're doing well for yourself too." He nodded at the gloved hand in his grasp and said, "I see the hand's working well. I can almost feel the grip."

Ironwood's eye twitched. "Well…" he said cheerfully, "Maybe if I just squeeze a little _tighter_ …"

Ozpin blinked as the grip on his hand turned from uncomfortable to crushing. "Nope," he said casually, "Still can't feel it."

"I hate to interrupt this _thrilling_ display of machismo," said Goodwitch, "But-"

"Glynda!" said Ironwood, instantly letting go of Ozpin's hand. He quickly brushed his hair back and smiled winningly at her. "How are you today?"

Goodwitch looked him over. "…Unimpressed." Without another word, she walked out of the room.

Ironwood winced and said, "So…she seems about the same." He looked at Ozpin and said, "Think I still have a shot with her?"

Ozpin stifled what sounded suspiciously like a snort. "Would you like some coffee?" he said casually, like he was not at all attempting to change the subject. He walked over to the desk and poured a mug for the general. "So…what _does_ bring you down here with your students? You don't really need so many for the Vytal Festival."

"Troops," corrected Ironwood. "And I thought a change of scenery would be good for morale." He smirked and added, "Besides, I want them to see their comrades' victories at the tournament."

"Ah," said Ozpin, handing Ironwood a mug. "Well, I hope they won't be too disappointed when Beacon wins the tournament. I can't imagine that would be good for morale."

The two of them glared at each other for a moment before breaking into small chuckles.

"I've missed you, old friend," said Ironwood, genuinely smiling. "You're always willing to talk back to me. You have no idea how tiring it is to have everyone defer to your authority all the time."

"You've got me there," said Ozpin, returning Ironwood's smile with a small one of his own. "I have Glynda to rein me in whenever I get a bit too high and mighty." He smirked slightly and said, "Though if you want someone to argue with you, I can always get Qrow to come back."

Ironwood winced. "No thanks. He gets mean when he's drunk."

"He's _always_ drunk," said Ozpin.

"I know," said Ironwood. With his free hand, he pulled a flask out of his jacket. He casually poured it into his mug and said, "Although, he does recommend good whiskey." He offered the flask to Ozpin.

Ozpin pulled his mug back and said, "No, thank you. I don't think the students would appreciate it if their headmaster had a hangover the first day class was back in session."

"Please," said Ironwood, pocketing the flask, "You know they'd find that shit hilarious."

Ozpin chuckled. "True enough." His smile disappeared as he added, "Besides, I want to talk with you. Specifically, about the small fleet that accompanied your students."

Ironwood frowned as he set down his mug. "I want to show the people that the military is a force to be reckoned with. If what Qrow said is true-"

"Then shows of power like this will let the enemy know that we're willing to go to war," said Ozpin. "We can't provoke them, James. If what Qrow said is true, then we need to proceed with caution." He leaned back in his chair and smiled, "Besides, it's the Vytal Festival! A time for celebration and unity. Let's not scare people by bringing hundreds of soldiers to Vale, hmm?"

Ironwood sighed and said, "I'm just trying to keep people safe, okay? I don't want to risk people's lives unnecessarily."

"Neither do I," said Ozpin. "That's why we focus on training the best Huntsmen and Huntresses we can."

"I know that," said Ironwood. "And trust me, I _am_ training the best Huntsmen and Huntresses. Each one is willing to fight and put their life on the line for peace. I would trust any one of them on the battlefield." Ironwood turned to leave, but stopped. After a moment of silence, he said, "Can you say the same, Ozpin? Are your children really ready to fight? To make _war_? Would you trust them with not only your life, but those of the peoples of Remnant?"

"They are and I do," said Ozpin. He sighed and looked down at the coffee in his mug. "I just…I just hope they'll never have to prove it."

 _Meanwhile, in Beacon's Library_ :

"WHOO!" yelled a voice, shattering the silence of the library. "I WON THE WAR AGAIN!"

"Shh!" shushed several of the library's patrons. They all glared at the table near the back, where Team RWBY were engrossed in a board game. Well…some more than others.

"Oh, piss off," said Yang, rolling her eyes at the shushers. "You're just jealous of my _World of Remnant_ skills."

"I think they want us to be quiet," said Weiss, who was holding cards in her hand.

"You know what's quiet?" asked Yang, grabbing new cards from a deck in the middle of the board. "Dead things. Like Ruby's troops." She grinned at her little sister and said, "B7!"

"No!" screamed Ruby. "You've sunk my airship!" She growled and said, "Good thing I have my…trap card!" She grabbed a card from her hand and slammed it down on the table.

Yang read the card and smiled, "Soooo close, Rubes! But my racecar is still in Free Parking, rendering your trap card null and void."

"Oh no," whimpered Ruby.

"And now I get to counterattack!" said Yang. "I choose to attack you in the kitchen, with the candlestick!"

"Ah, Yahtzee…" muttered Ruby sadly.

"They look like they're having fun," said Ren casually. He and the rest of Team JNPR were sitting at the adjacent table, reading…aside from Nora, who was fast asleep on Ren's book. She whimpered in her sleep and Ren reached over to scratch her behind the ears, causing her to sigh contentedly. Her leg twitched as Ren kept scratching her.

"Not as fun as _this_!" said Jaune, holding up a comic book. "It's the _Lazer Team_ / _X-Ray and Vav_ crossover issue. They've been building up to this arc all year!"

Pyrrha carefully grabbed the comic from Jaune and replaced it with a textbook. "No comics until you get your studying done."

"But Pyrrha!" said Jaune. He whimpered softly, his lower lip quivering.

Pyrrha winced at Jaune's sad expression. "Ren!" she called desperately. "Help!"

"Jaune," said Ren, not pausing in scratching Nora, "Until you get your grades up, you need to have a study time every day."

"But-" began Jaune.

"No buts, young man," said Pyrrha, "Unless it's your toned, firm one sitting in this chair studying history."

Jaune sighed. "Fine…" He opened the textbook and began reading. After a second, he looked up and said, "Wait…what was that about my butt?"

"Uh…nothing!" said Pyrrha, blushing. She quickly opened the comic book and brought it up to her face, hiding herself from view.

Back at the other table, Yang turned to Weiss. "It's your move, Princess."

"Heiress," corrected Weiss as she looked at the cards in her hand. "I…don't even know what game we're playing. Where's the instructions?"

Yang scoffed. "Instructions are for quitters. Do you think doctors or bomb defusal squads need instructions?"

Weiss stared at her for a moment. "…Yes, Yang. They do."

"Nah," said Yang, waving a dismissive hand. "Just do what feels right."

"Uh…okay…" said Weiss. She looked down at the board and studied the pieces for a moment. She grabbed one and moved it to one of Ruby's pieces. "Um…checkmate?"

Yang and Ruby stared dumbfounded at what just happened. "No…" moaned Ruby slowly. "No, no!"

"Holy shit, Weiss…" breathed Yang.

"What?" asked Weiss, looking at both of them. "What did I do?"

"You just took Ruby out of the game," whispered Yang. She looked at Weiss in awe. "You're an expert!"

"I am?" asked Weiss. She smirked and said, "Well, _obviously_ I am! This childish game is no match for the brilliant mind of Weiss Schn-"

"Or you _would_ be an expert if you didn't just move your most important piece out into the open," said Yang, smirking. She held up a card and continued, "Which leaves you vulnerable to my Sorry card. That takes you out the game too."

"Eeeeeee…" groaned Weiss. She slammed her head onto the table. "I hate my life…"

"Do you want a hug?" asked Ruby.

"Shut up," muttered Weiss. She pulled herself back up and held out her arms. "…And yes."

As Ruby ran into Weiss's arms, Yang turned to Blake. "Your move, Blake! Are you gonna try to take me on?"

Blake had her cards face-down on the table. She was leaning on the table and staring off into the distance.

"…Blake?" repeated Yang. She reached over and snapped her fingers in front of Blake's face.

Blake jumped at the noise and looked around. "What is it? What's happening?"

"We're playing a game, remember?" said Yang. She smirked and said, "Well, _I'm_ playing. Ruby and Weiss just suffered embarrassing defeats."

"Shut up! You tricked me!" yelled Weiss, holding Ruby in her arms as the younger girl sat on her lap.

Ruby looked at Blake and said, "Are you alright? You've been really quiet today." She paused and said, "Well…quiet _er_. And it's more of a distracted quiet. Usually it's some form of 'I'm surrounded by idiots' type of quiet."

"Boy trouble?" asked Yang, grinning as she poked Blake. "Is your boy-toy up to some monkey-business?"

"No, it's nothing," said Blake. She blinked and said, "And Sun is not my 'boy-toy'. He's a friend. A handsome…funny…well-muscled friend."

Yang smiled and said, "Well, since you're so distracted by _nothing_ , how about we start the game over?" She gestured to Ruby and Weiss and said, "That gives these two losers a chance to humiliate themselves again."

Weiss shoved Ruby out of her lap as she started rearranging her pieces. "I'm not going to lose to you _this_ time, Xiao Long!"

"Yeah!" said Ruby, scrambling back to her seat. She rearranged her pieces and said, "I'm going to attack you first! Get ready for-"

"Trap card," said Yang, grinning as she held up a card.

Jaune looked up from his textbook at Ruby's scream of rage. He looked around and noticed that Pyrrha and Ren were distracted. He quietly got out of his seat and snuck over to Team RWBY's table. "Guys," he whispered, getting the girls' attention, "I managed to sneak away from studying. Can I play?"

"Sorry Jaune," said Ruby, "But we've already got a full table. Besides," Ruby pointed behind him, "Pyrrha's noticed that you're gone."

Jaune turned around to see Pyrrha glaring at him. She held up his textbook threateningly and Jaune attempted to stifle a high-pitched scream.

"Besides Arc," said Weiss, "This game emphasizes _strategy_. Not just anyone can play." To demonstrate, she held up a card and put it down on the board.

"You just ordered an artillery strike on yourself," said Yang, not even attempting to hide her amusement.

"I…I meant to do that," said Weiss, lying through her teeth. "It's part of my strategy."

"As a matter of fact, Ice Queen," said Jaune, "I happen to be great at strategy. Did you see me during the food fight?"

"Didn't you get hit with a turkey?" asked Ruby.

"…Only once," said Jaune. "Besides, Pyrrha says I'm a great leader."

"Of course she would, you dunce," said Weiss. "Pyrrha is in love with-"

Jaune's textbook suddenly struck Weiss in the back of the head, knocking her face-first into the table. Everyone turned and stared at Pyrrha, who was on her feet with her arm outstretched.

"Um…my hand slipped?" said Pyrrha awkwardly.

"…Sounds legit," said Jaune. He turned to Weiss, who had pulled herself back up and rubbing her sore nose. "Come on…let me play your hand for a turn."

"I wouldn't trust you to make me a sandwich," said Weiss. "You'll probably ruin the game for me."

"I'll have you know that I can make a sandwich that will blow you away," argued Jaune. "And you've trusted me with more important stuff than this. Remember how you guys told us that Blake is a Faun-"

Pyrrha loudly cleared her throat, getting Jaune's attention. She pointed behind Jaune. Jaune turned and gulped as he noticed the vicious glare Blake was giving him.

"Uh…Blake is a Faun…faun… _fun_ -loving person who would _never_ attack a friend for nearly shouting her secrets?" said Jaune, chuckling nervously.

They all heard somebody laughing. They turned to see Sun and Neptune walking towards them.

"Ha, sucker!" laughed Sun as he pointed at Jaune. "And I thought I pushed my luck when I told Neptune about Blake being a Faun…" He trailed off as Blake turned to glare at him. "Uh...never mind."

"Hey Sun!" greeted Ruby.

"Hey Ruby, Yang, Blake, Team JNPR, and Ice Queen," greeted Sun.

"It's Ice _Heiress_ ," said Weiss. She blinked and said, "I mean, it's just _heiress_! Stop calling me Ice Queen!"

"Whatever," said Sun. "Let me introduce my old friend and teammate!" He pointed at Neptune and said, "This is Neptune Vas…Vasilly…Vasely…"

Neptune frowned at Sun. "Seriously dude? We've known each other for years and you _still_ can't pronounce my last name?" He turned and said, "I'm Neptune Vasilias. It's nice to meet you. But…uh…" He gestured down to the board game. "Aren't libraries for reading?"

"THANK YOU!" yelled Ren, throwing his hands up in the air.

"YOU'RE WELCOME!" shouted Nora as she snorted and jerked awake.

Weiss put down her cards and said, "So Neptune, where are you from?"

"Haven," answered Neptune, moving closer to Weiss. "And uh…I don't believe I caught your name, Snow Angel."

"Poor sap," muttered Jaune. "He doesn't know what he just-" Jaune trailed off as a foreign noise hit his ears.

It was Weiss. She was… _giggling_.

"What is happening?" asked a stunned Yang.

"What is this?" muttered Blake.

"I'm scared!" sobbed Ruby.

Weiss ignored them all and smiled at Neptune. "I'm Weiss," she said, "It's nice to meet you."

Neptune gently took her hand and kissed it. "The pleasure is all mine," he said, smiling at her.

"...That smooth motherfucker," muttered Jaune.

On the opposite side of the table, Sun leaned in close to Blake. "Never took you for the board game playing type," he said. "…Or the…you know… _fun_ type." He peered at her cards. "Are you winning?"

"Actually, I was just about to forfeit," said Blake. She put her cards down on the table and stood up. "I'll be in our room," she informed the rest of Team RWBY. She turned and walked out of the library without another word.

Sun turned to the others and shrugged. "Was it something I said?"

"Nah," said Nora, shaking her head. "Girl needs to get laid."

"THANK YOU!" shouted Sun, throwing his hands up in the air.

"YOU'RE WELCOME!" shouted Nora, mimicking him.

 _Later_ :

Blake peered out the window of the Team RWBY's room and sighed. Memories of confronting the White Fang on the docks came to her mind. She sighed and walked over to her bunk. Sitting down, Blake felt the familiar sensation of a flashback sequence. Closing her eyes, she sighed and let the flashback play.

 _Weeks ago_ :

"Well, this has been one hell of an evening, huh?" said Professor Ozpin as he entered the room. In his hands were two mugs of coffee. He approached the table in the middle of the empty room and put the mugs down. "Would you care for a drink?""

Blake sat at the opposite side of the table. "No... thank you, Professor." She fidgeted in her seat as she looked around the windowless room. "…Am I being interrogated?"

Ozpin chuckled as he sat down. "Not quite. As Headmaster, it's my responsibility to ensure the safety of my students. I just wanted to sit and chat with you for a moment." He smiled and said, "I figured you'd rather talk to me than that reporter Peter is currently torturing with tales of his exploits." He grew serious and said, "How are you doing, Blake?"

"Fine, Professor. I'm…fine," answered Blake. She started to get out of her chair and said, "It's been a long night and I really just want to get some rest, so…"

"You know, it makes me proud to see my students band together to face adversity," said Ozpin. "I believe people from all walks of life can work together to accomplish a common goal. From sisters like Yang and Ruby, to heiresses like our own Miss Schnee. I don't think it really matters where the person comes from be they human…or Faunus."

Blake froze. "H-how did you-?"

"When you're as old as I am, you start noticing the little things about people," said Ozpin, smiling softly. "You also start realizing that people are just people, no matter what their race is." He took a sip of coffee and said, "Do you know what I see when I look at you?"

Blake sat down and rolled her eyes. "A Faunus."

"A young woman," replied Ozpin. "One that has had to face many hardships in her life. You grew up outside the Kingdoms. Is that where you learned to fight?"

"…If you don't fight out there, you die," said Blake.

"And you have survived," said Ozpin. "And yet, you're still facing hardships, aren't you?" He gazed at her bow and asked, "Why do you hide who you are, Blake?"

"You know why," said Blake. She blinked and added, "Sir. You might be willing to give Faunus a chance, but you're an exception. Not the norm."

"True," conceded Ozpin. "But we are trying to make things equal for everyone. It's just taking time."

"Time is something that a lot of Faunus don't have, Professor," said Blake. "It's why they turn to the White Fang. It's why they choose to work with scum like Torchwick! It's…" Blake trailed off as she remembered who she was talking to. She cleared her throat and said, "Until the day comes that Faunus are accepted for who they are, the bow stays on. I want to be seen for who I am…rather than _what_ I am."

"…And what are you, Blake?" asked Ozpin.

"W-what?" asked Blake. "What are you talking-"

"How did you know to be at the docks tonight?" asked Ozpin.

"I…" faltered Blake. "I was just in the right place at the right time, I guess."

'Really?" asked Ozpin. "How lucky that you just oh-so-happened upon Vale's most notorious criminal and his accomplices. And how lucky that you managed to do so in full combat gear." He leaned forward and said, "Blake. I'm not only asking you these things as your headmaster, but as a Huntsman as well. Is there anything you would like to tell me? Anything you know that could help in keeping this city safe?"

"I…" began Blake. She swallowed and said, "No, Professor. There's nothing else to say."

Ozpin sighed. "Alright. Thank you for your time, Miss Belladonna." He stood up and started walking towards the door. "Blake," he said, turning to face her, "You know you aren't alone here, right? Help is always available to you if you need it. Just…don't hesitate to ask." He exited the room, shutting the door behind him.

Blake sighed and put her head in her hands. After several minutes, she stood up and walked to the door. She grasped the handle and pulled, only to find it locked.

"Um…Professor?" she called, tugging on the handle. "Professor, the door's locked! I need your help!"

The door opened as Ozpin entered the room again. "Sorry," he said. "I forgot there's no lock on the inside." As he held the door open for Blake, he said, "You know this wasn't what I meant about the whole 'asking for help' thing, right?"

"I've got it, Professor," said Blake. She turned and walked away.

 _Now_ :

Blake snapped out of her flashback and suddenly realized Weiss's face was uncomfortably close to hers. "…Weiss? Can I help you?"

Weiss backed away and said, "Yes, you can. You can tell us what's wrong."

"Us?" repeated Blake. She looked around and realized that Yang and Ruby were sitting on either side of her.

"You had that 'I'm in a flashback, don't interrupt me' look on your face," said Yang.

"You were staring off into the distance for a _long_ time," said Ruby. "It must have been one heck of a flashback."

"It's nothing, alright?" said Blake. She stood up and said, "Nothing is wrong."

"Bullshit!" said Weiss. She pushed Blake back onto the bed, where Ruby and Yang held onto her arms. "The last time something like this happened, you ran away for a weekend! Tell us what is wrong!"

"Is all this really necessary?" asked Blake, attempting to free her arms from Ruby and Yang.

"Blake…" growled Weiss.

Blake sighed and said, "I don't understand how you guys can think about food fights or board games."

"Still thinking about Torchwick?" asked Ruby.

"Torchwick, the White Fang, Torchwick _with_ the White Fang…" listed Blake. She sighed and said, "Something is going on and nobody's doing anything about it."

"Ozpin told us not to worry," said Yang. "The police and Huntsmen are searching for Torchwick, so-"

"So, who _cares_?!" said Blake. "The police have been looking for Torchwick for _months_ now! And _we_ are Huntsmen!"

"Technically, we're Huntresses," said Ruby.

"It doesn't matter!" argued Blake. "We should be out there, searching for him and the White Fang. I know the White Fang better than anyone! If anyone's going to find them, it's going to be-"

"Us," said Yang.

"…Huh?" asked Blake.

"Us," repeated Yang. She grinned and said, "You think we'd just let you go off on your own? We're gonna help you."

"Yang's right," said Ruby. She smiled at Blake and said, "We're a team. We'll look for Torchwick and the White Fang together." She turned and said, "Right, Weiss?"

Weiss paused as the other girls looked at her. "…Look…we're _students_. How are _we_ supposed to stop Torchwick or the White Fang? We're not ready to fight them."

"We may _never_ be ready," said Blake. "Do you think our enemies will just sit around for us to graduate?"

"I mean…it'd be nice," said Ruby.

"They're out there planning their next move and we have no idea what it is," continued Blake. She looked at Weiss and said, "I am _not_ just going to sit here and do nothing. Are you going to help or not?"

"Of _course_ I'm going to help, you dunce," said Weiss. "I'm just pointing out that we're a little out of our depth."

"Then let's figure out a plan!" said Ruby.

"Good idea," said Weiss. "I think we can start by-"

"After I get my board game from the library!" continued Ruby. She let go of Blake and ran out the door.

Blake looked down at her arm, which was still being held by Yang. "Uh…Yang? Are you planning on letting go?"

"Nope!" said Yang. "You might run away while we're sleeping. Weiss, grab her other arm!"

"Yang," began Blake, "Weiss is not going to-"

Weiss immediately sat down and clutched Blake's other arm. "I'm not going to take any chances," she said, holding Blake's arm tight.

Blake sighed and prepared for a long night.

Out in the hall, Ruby ran for the library before somebody stole her game. She rounded the corner and ran into something solid.

"Ow…" muttered Ruby. She looked up and saw the face of an unfamiliar student. "Sorry about that. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said the girl, who was blushing for some reason. "Could…could you please get your head out of my…"

"Huh?" said Ruby. She realized where she was and blushed. She quickly backed away from the girl's chest and said, "I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention."

"Obviously," said the boy next to the girl.

The girl elbowed him in the gut and smiled at Ruby. "It's fine. Just be more careful next time."

"You got it!" said Ruby, chuckling awkwardly. She looked at the two and said, "I'm Ruby. I haven't seen you two around here before. Are you new?"

"We're visiting from Haven," said a voice.

The green-haired girl in front of Ruby moved as another girl walked forward. "My name is Cinder," said the girl. She gestured to the two students by her side. "These are my teammates, Mercury and Emerald."

"You're from Haven?" asked Ruby in a quiet voice.

"That's right," said Cinder. "We were just looking for the guest-"

"Are things _that_ bad there?" interrupted Ruby.

"Are…what?" asked Cinder.

"Is Haven _that_ stressful?" questioned Ruby. She gazed at Cinder in pity. "You look so… _old_."

Cinder blinked. "What."

"Look at those lines on your face…" said Ruby. She gasped and said, "And those grey hairs!" She took Cinder's hand in hers and patted it. "Don't you worry. Beacon is going to be so relaxing for your stay. I'll show you around myself to make sure your visit is as peaceful as it can be."

"You little-" seethed Cinder.

"Ssh…you don't want to excite yourself too much," soothed Ruby. She let go of Cinder's hand and said, "It could be bad for your frail heart."

"I…you…" said Cinder.

"The guest dormitories are east of here," said Ruby to Mercury. She leaned in and whispered to him, "Make sure Cinder gets lots… _lots_ of beauty sleep. She looks like she could use it."

Mercury opened his mouth to make a sarcastic comment, but quickly shut it when he saw the murderous look on Cinder's face. "…Thank you so much," he said instead. "We'll just head over there now and get out of your hair."

"It's no trouble at all!" said Ruby. "Welcome to Beacon!" She turned and sped down the hall, disappearing from view.

Smoke rose out of Cinder's hands. "I am going to torture her horribly," she growled. "I am going to kill everyone she loves and leave her for last."

"Careful now," said Mercury. "You don't want to overstimulate that frail heart."

Cinder turned to glare at him. "What was that, _**Mercury**_?" she asked, sparks appearing as her fingers twitched.

"Ah…nothing…ma'am," said Mercury, subtly backing away from her.

* * *

 **Status the next morning:**

 **General Ironwood: Hungover. While addressing his students, he referred to them as "little bastards" and said he wanted nothing more than to motorboat Professor Goodwitch.**

 **Professor Goodwitch: Planning on poisoning General Ironwood.**

 **Professor Ozpin: Forced to stop Professor Goodwitch from poisoning General Ironwood.**

 **Team JNPR: Stayed up all night forcing Jaune to study.**

 **Jaune Arc: Currently crying.**

 **Team RWBY: Stayed up all night making sure Blake didn't leave. Weiss and Yang held onto her arms, while Ruby held onto her legs.**

 **Blake Belladonna: Has to pee because she couldn't move all night.**

 **Ruby Rose: Thought about all the fun things she could do with her new friend, Cinder.**

 **Cinder Fall: Thought about all the fun things she could use to kill Ruby with.**


	20. Running Ruby, Pretend Penny

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 20: Running Ruby, Pretend Penny**

Weiss was sitting in Professor Port's class, attempting to keep herself awake by staring at the holographic clock coming from her Scroll. She gazed up at Port, who was gesturing to his whiteboard. On the board was an image of an Ursa getting bashed in the head by an axe, its eyes popping out. Weiss shuddered and glanced back down at the clock.

 _This cannot be any more unbearable,_ she thought to herself. _There is nothing that could make this class more painful than it already is_.

"Psst!" hissed a voice. Weiss turned her head to see Jaune quietly sliding up next to her. "Hey Weiss," he whispered.

 _What do you know?_ thought Weiss. _Miracles can happen._

"Is there something I can help you with, Jaune?" asked Weiss aloud. _Please say no, please say no, please say no, please-_

"Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go grab a bite to eat after class?" asked Jaune. "We could maybe catch a movie afterwards? If you're interested, that is. I mean, it's not like I pre-ordered these tickets two months in advance or anything if that's what you were thinking."

… _I'll give him points for persistence,_ thought Weiss. She glanced down at the holographic clock. _Come on, be four o'clock already…_

The screen blinked as the clock turned to 3:58.

 _No!_ screamed Weiss in her head. She slammed her fist down on her Scroll. The screen flickered as the time changed to four o'clock.

The bell rang, cutting off what Professor Port was saying.

"Damn!" said Professor Port. "I was hoping I could talk about the time I was getting a colonoscopy and a swarm of Deathstalkers invaded the clinic. Oh well. A story for another time perhaps."

Weiss stood up. Jaune watched her anxiously before asking, "Weiss, did you hear me? Would you like to go-?"

"Jaune," interrupted Weiss, finally turning to look at him. "I'm going to say this as clearly as I can. I do not want to date you. I do not want to spend time with you in any romantic scenario whatsoever. I am not playing hard to get. I am not leading you on. I am not pretending to hate you in order to hide my romantic feelings towards you. I _literally_ feel no attraction towards you at all. Do you understand?"

Jaune stared at her for a moment. "…So is that a 'no' on the movie, or…?"

Weiss closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She opened them again and said, "Goodbye Jaune." She grabbed her Scroll and left the room without another word.

"B-but…I…I have…" stammered Jaune. He sighed and slammed his head on the desk.

"Poor guy," said Ruby, watching him from further down the row.

"Hopefully he realizes that Weiss isn't interested in him," said Blake.

"Hopefully he realizes Pyrrha's about ready to throw herself at him," said Yang. "I mean...it's pretty obvious she likes him, right?"

"Totally," said a voice behind them. "It's a bummer."

The three girls turned to look at the person behind them. "Professor Ozpin?" asked Ruby. "What are you doing here?"

"Who?" said Professor Ozpin, who was wearing a student's uniform and a backwards baseball cap. "I'm Ozzy."

"Uh…you look like Professor Ozpin," said Yang.

"Nope," said Professor Ozpin. He took a sip from the mug of coffee on his desk. "Never heard of him."

"You've never heard of the headmaster of the school that you are currently attending," said Blake, giving Ozpin a deadpan look.

"Nope," said Ozpin. "Sounds like a totally un-groovy guy."

"…Ok…" said Ruby. "Well…'Ozzy', we're just gonna go…"

"Radical,' said Ozpin. "I'll be here, thinking about skateboards and Myspace."

Pyrrha walked over to Jaune, who's head was still on the desk. "Did she say no?" she asked.

"She said no," mumbled Jaune.

"YES!" shouted Pyrrha. She cleared her throat and said, "I mean, oh no how terrible."

"It's just…" began Jaune, lifting his head from the desk. "I don't know how to get her to like me, you know?"

"Maybe you should take a break?" asked Pyrrha. "Go and see that movie tonight to get your mind off of Weiss."

"Maybe you're right…" said Jaune. He sighed and pulled two movie tickets out of his pocket. "But what am I supposed to do with this extra ticket?"

"Well…just ask someone to watch it with you," said Pyrrha. "Somebody close. Somebody that is in _this_ classroom?"

"Of course!" said Jaune. "Why didn't I think of it before? I get what you're saying, Pyrrha."

"You do?" asked Pyrrha. "Great! In that case, we better get-"

"Professor Port?" asked Jaune as he stood up. "Do you want to go watch that new Spruce Willis movie?"

Port stared at Jaune for a second before shrugging. "Alright, but you're buying me popcorn."

"Awesome!" said Jaune. He turned and smiled at Pyrrha. "Thanks for the advice, Pyrrha! I'll see you when I get back!" He quickly moved past her and left the room with Professor Port.

Pyrrha was frozen in place, her gaze locked onto where Jaune was sitting. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand and let out a muffled scream of rage.

Professor Ozpin took a sip from his mug and said, "Miss Nikos, the training area is open if you want to go stab something."

"Thank you, Professor," said Pyrrha as she uncovered her mouth. She quickly left the classroom, kicking the door off its hinges as she did so.

 _Back in Team RWBY's dorm :_

"Ready!" said Ruby, strapping her scythe to her back. She was wearing a grey long-sleeved shirt, a black blouse, and a red skirt. She adjusted the cloak that was tied around her neck like a scarf.

"Finally," said Weiss, her rapier around her waist. She was wearing a white and black dress. "So…what's the plan?"

"You don't remember?" asked Yang, cocking her gauntlets. She was wearing a brown and cream-colored top over a low-cut black shirt. She tsked and hopped off the bed she was sitting on. "For shame, Weissy. For shame."

"Fine," said Weiss, crossing her arms. "Enlighten me, Yang. What is the plan?"

"Uh…" faltered Yang. She turned and said, "Um, Blake? What…uh…what exactly are we doing?"

Blake closed her eyes and sighed. "We're searching for information about Torchwick or the White Fang, remember?"

"Right," said Yang. "…How are we doing that, exactly?"

"Weiss and I will head to the CCT and see if there were any other Dust robberies. Weiss can get us in because her family owns the place," said Ruby. She pointed at Blake and said, "Blake can infiltrate a meeting of the White Fang to see what they're up to. And you, Yang, can go back to that club you wrecked in order to see if that one guy has any more information."

"Oh," said Yang. She gave Ruby an impressed look. "Look at you! Did you plan all that yourself?"

"Well, I don't mean to brag, but, uh…" said Ruby. She pointed to herself and said, "Leader."

"Alright," said Blake. "We all know what we have to do. Is everyone ready?"

"Ready!" said the other three girls.

There was a pause as they all stared at each other.

"…I know this probably isn't the best time," said Yang, "But we look fucking good."

"Right?" said Weiss, looking down at her outfit. "We should dress differently more often."

"Does anyone else think it's weird that we all had one random outfit we hadn't worn yet?" asked Ruby. "I mean…what are the odds, right?"

"Oh shit…were we supposed to wear different clothes?" asked a voice.

Everyone turned to the window, where Sun was hanging upside-down off a tree branch. "Hey," he said casually.

"Sun?!" asked Yang. "What are you doing here?"

"And how long were you watching us?" asked Weiss, narrowing her eyes at the Faunus.

"From the beginning," said Sun. "Nice underwear, by the way."

The sound of blades unsheathing and guns being cocked filled the room as each of the girls leveled their weapons at Sun.

"Kidding! Kidding!" shouted Sun, his eyes wide as he held his hands up. "We just barely got here, I swear."

Blake sighed as she sheathed her weapon. "Sun, now's not the time for…" She paused. "Wait…what do you mean 'we'?"

"I hate this," said a voice from outside. "I hate heights, I hate you, I hate this whole fucking situation."

"Don't be bitch, bitch," said Sun.

The girls walked to the window and stuck their heads out. Neptune was standing on the ledge outside, looking slightly queasy.

"How did I let you talk me into this…" muttered Neptune, looking down at the ground below.

"Neptune?" asked Weiss.

Neptune's eyes widened. He looked over at Team RWBY and gave them a confident grin, showing no signs of the nervousness he had showed previously. "Ladies," he said, giving them a wink. "How's it going?"

"Um…are you alright?" asked Ruby.

"Me?" asked Neptune. "I'm fine. Being up at this…incredibly dangerous height…doesn't bother me at all!"

"Oh?" asked Yang, grinning. "Is that right? Well, we _were_ going to invite you into the room, but if you're fine with staying out here-"

"NO!" shouted Neptune. He blinked and said, "Uh…no thank you. I'll come inside so we can go over the plan."

"Right, right," said Yang, not even bothering to hide her laughter. "I'm sure that's the _only_ reason you want to come in."

As Team RWBY walked away from the window, Neptune looked at Sun and whispered, "Sun. _Sun_!"

"Hmm?" asked Sun, looking over at the other boy. "What's up?"

"I want to go in, but I'm too scared to move!" hissed Neptune.

"Is that all?" asked Sun. "I can just get one of the girls to help you. I'm sure they won't make fun of you _too_ badly…"

"No! No," said Neptune. "I'm moving, alright?"

"Ok, whatever you say," said Sun. He stared at Neptune for a second. "…Are…are you planning moving at some point?"

"Look, I need to psyche myself up first, alright?" said Neptune.

"Oh cool," said Sun. "No, that's fine. I _totally_ get it." He looked back into the dorm room and yelled, "Hey Yang!"

"Yeah?" came Yang's voice.

"Shit!" muttered Neptune. He quickly inched his way over to the window and crawled inside the room.

"What did you guys need?" asked Yang, looking at Neptune, who was leaning against the wall and panting heavily.

"Nothing," said Sun, a big grin on his face as he swung into the room. "We took care of it."

"You're a bastard," muttered Neptune, sending a glare at Sun.

"Probably," agreed Sun, smirking.

"Listen guys," said Blake, "We are going to find information on Torchwick and the White Fang."

"Awesome!" said Sun. "Where do we start?"

"No," said Blake. She gestured at the rest of Team RWBY. " _We_ are going to find information on Torchwick and the White Fang."

"Right," said Sun, "And _we_ ," he gestured at himself and Neptune, "Are going to help you."

"We don't want to get friends involved," said Ruby. "You could get hurt."

"What? _Us_?!" asked Sun. "That's ridiculous! We're trained Huntsmen! We're tough!" As if to demonstrate his point, he smacked Neptune in the chest.

"J-Jesus…" wheezed Neptune, clutching his chest.

"Oh shit," said Sun, turning to Neptune. He put his hand on Neptune's back and said, "I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to hit you _that_ hard."

"It's fine," coughed Neptune, rubbing his chest. "God, you really nailed me there, though."

"You guys aren't really helping your case," said Yang.

Sun sighed. "Alright, look," he said seriously, "From what I heard, Yang and Blake are going off on their own. It would be better to have someone go with them to watch their backs."

"…True…" muttered Ruby.

"It _does_ make sense," said Weiss.

"You guys already know that I can handle myself in a fight," continued Sun. He slapped Neptune on the back, causing him to wheeze again. "And my boy here might be a total nerd, but if a fight goes down, he'll have your back."

"I keep telling you, I'm an _intellectual_ , not a nerd," coughed Neptune.

Weiss's eyes went wide. "I…I think we should bring them with us," she said to the other girls.

"It's fine by me," said Ruby. "We could use more people."

"Ah, what the hell?" said Yang. "Could be fun."

"Fine," said Blake with a sigh. "So, who's going with-"

"I'll go with Blake!" said Sun, rushing over to her side.

"What a shock," muttered Blake.

"So Sun's with Blake, I'm with Weiss…" said Ruby. She looked over at Neptune and said, "Why don't you go with Yang? She needs a partner."

"Or…you know; we could switch?" suggested Weiss.

"Huh?" asked Ruby. "What do you mean?"

"Well…Yang is your sister," said Weiss. "You could spend some time with her?"

"But then you'd be alone," said Ruby.

"Well…" said Weiss slowly. "If you were going with Yang, then I guess I'd take Neptune as my date…uh, _partner_."

"…I see what you're trying to do, Weiss," said Ruby, narrowing her eyes at the heiress.

"Uh…you…you do?" asked Weiss.

"Yeah…" said Ruby. She smiled and said, "You want to see if Neptune can contribute to this investigation!"

"…What?" asked Weiss.

"It's like when our team was formed and you thought I wouldn't make a good leader!" said Ruby. "You probably think Neptune won't help or he'll drop his weapon or something!"

"Ruby, I-" began Weiss.

"You probably think Yang's not going to take this seriously, but don't worry!" said Ruby. "She knows that this is serious. She'll take care of Neptune."

"Yeah, Weiss," said Yang, grinning at her. "In fact, maybe I'll show Neptune a few moves before we head out."

"Oh Yang," laughed Ruby. "This is a _bedroom_. What could you possibly teach somebody in here?"

"I'm sure I can come up with something," said Yang, who seemed to be struggling not to laugh. "It'll probably involve a lot of physical contact."

"WHAT?!" yelled Weiss.

"See?" said Ruby, turning to face Weiss. "Yang has this covered. Let's go!" She grabbed Weiss and pulled her out of the room.

"That was a little mean," said Blake, turning to face Yang.

"Eh," shrugged Yang. "She'll forget about it when we get info on the bad guys." She grabbed Neptune and started dragging him out of the room. "Come on, handsome! We've got a club owner's balls to squeeze!"

"I'm…uh…not entirely comfortable with that idea," said Neptune.

"It's easy!" said Yang happily. "I'll grab one, you grab the other!"

"That doesn't make it better!" yelled Neptune as he was pulled out of the room.

Blake and Sun watched as the two disappeared down the hall. Sun turned to Blake and grinned. "So…just the two of us, huh?" he asked. "What do you want to do? Dinner? A movie?"

"We're going to infiltrate a White Fang meeting," said Blake. "Like we _planned_ , remember?"

"…Well that's not sexy at all," replied Sun.

Blake sighed. She had a feeling this would be a very long day.

 _Later_ :

Ruby stared up at the massive tower looming above them. "Wow," she muttered, "I always forget how big the transmit tower is." She paused. "…Honestly, I don't remember ever seeing it before now. I mean, you'd think we would have been able to see it when we arrived at Beacon or searched the city for Blake."

"What are you talking about?" asked Weiss. "The Cross Continental Transmitter has been here since Atlas built it after the Great War. It allows multimedia communication to be transmitted wirelessly across Remnant. Each of the four kingdoms has a tower of its own."

"Wow," said Ruby, turning to look at Weiss. "Did you know all that off the top of your head?"

"Uh…" said Weiss, quickly looking away from the informative sign at the edge of the path. "O-Of course I do! My family is heavily involved in Atlas's government. My father made sure that my sister and I knew all about the CCT."

"Really?" asked Ruby. "My dad taught me and Yang how to fall into a deep depression when a loved one leaves you. And how to pick up chicks on your team. And that you _shouldn't_ pick up chicks on your team because they'll eventually leave you. Which is when the depression kicks in."

There was silence as Weiss and Ruby stared at each other for a moment.

"…Um…" began Weiss.

"SO LET'S MAKE THAT CALL, HUH?!" shouted Ruby quickly. She turned and started walking towards the tower.

Weiss rushed forwards and caught up with Ruby. "Why did we have to come here anyway?" she asked. "We could have just as easily made the call in the library…or on our Scrolls. They _are_ phones, after all."

"They _are_?!" asked Ruby, pulling out her scroll. "I just thought we could check our Aura levels and play games on these things. They should come with a manual or something."

Ruby suddenly bumped into someone and fumbled her Scroll, which fell to the ground. "I'm so sorry!" said Ruby, her eyes on her Scroll. "I wasn't watching where I was going." She bent down and attempted to grab her Scroll, but the other person's hand grabbed it first.

"It's no problem, citizen," said the other person. She straightened up and turned around. "Here's your Scroll back."

"Thanks," said Ruby, grabbing the Scroll and pocketing it. She glanced at the stranger's face and froze. " _Penny_?"

Penny's eyes widened as she realized who she was talking to. " _Ruby_? I-I…um…I mean, how do you know my designat- _name_ , random person whom I have never met?" She hiccupped twice.

"Penny, it's _me_ ," said Ruby.

Penny laughed nervously and then suddenly stopped. "I do not know why I just laughed," she said. She stared at Ruby for a moment. "…Well bye!" she said quickly. She turned around and walked briskly down the path.

"…That was very strange," said Ruby.

"It's _Penny_ ," said Weiss, rolling her eyes. "That's about par for the course." She turned and started walking towards the CCT tower. "Now, come on. I still have to make that call." When there was no response, Weiss turned around in time to see Ruby rush after Penny. "Did she just ditch me?" asked Weiss. She sighed and muttered, "I could have been hanging out with a hunky blue-haired boy, but _no_ …"

Ruby dashed in front of Penny, cutting her off. "Penny!" she shouted. "Where have you been?! It's been weeks since that fight on the docks! I thought something bad had happened to you!"

"You…um…seem to be confused…" said Penny. "I just got here yesterday. And I can't eat fish, so I would never go to the docks. And I detest violence, so I would never get into a fight with Roman Torchwick and the White Fang."

"Aha!" said Ruby, pointing a finger at Penny. "I never said _anything_ about Roman Torchwick or the White Fang!"

"I…" faltered Penny. She sighed and looked down at the ground.

"Penny," said Ruby, stepping towards the other girl, "We think those guys at the dock are up to something. We _need_ to know what happened to you that night." She smiled and said, "And besides, I just want to make sure you're ok. I was worried about you; you know?"

Penny looked up at Ruby and asked, "You were?"

"Well…yeah," said Ruby. "We're friends, right?"

"Friends…" repeated Penny. She quickly looked around and then leaned in close to Ruby. "It's not safe to talk here," she whispered. "Follow me." She grabbed Ruby's arm and pulled her along down the path.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Weiss walked into the CCT and looked around. Various Beacon students were loitering around, either talking to each other or on their Scrolls. Weiss strolled past the lobby and walked down the hallway. She entered the first door she came across; walking into a room where green lights were shining from the floor. Weiss looked up at the stairs in the middle of the room, where a few students were standing in front of monitors. Ignoring them, Weiss walked over to the elevator on the opposite wall. She pressed the button on the wall and waited a few moments for the elevator's doors to open. Once they did so, Weiss walked in and waited.

" _Welcome to the CCT_ ," said a voice. Weiss turned and saw a terminal on the wall, with a small speaker right below it. " _How may we help you today?_ "

Weiss turned and looked at the speaker. "…You don't have any therapists on hand, do you?"

" _Uh…_ " said the speaker. "… _We have an HR guy. Does that count?_ "

"I don't think so," said Weiss, "But that's fine. I want to go to the communication room."

" _What's the magic word_?" sang the voice on the speaker.

"Now!" answered Weiss.

" _Fine, fine,_ "said the voice. " _Put your Scroll on the terminal and we'll confirm your identity._ "

Weiss grabbed her Scroll out of her pocket and held it up to the terminal. Electronic beeping could be heard as it was scanned. After a few moments, there was a ding.

" _Oh, a Schnee, huh?_ " said the voice on the speaker. The voice added, under its breath, " _Couldn't have guessed_ that _from the shitty attitude_ …"

"What was that?" asked Weiss.

" _Nothing, Miss Schnee!_ " lied the voice. " _I'll send you up to the communication room._ "

The elevator shook as it started moving upwards. After a few moments of silence, Weiss looked at the speaker and asked, "Do you have to check your identity _every_ time you use the elevator?"

" _Yep_ ," replied the voice.

"…That seems very annoying," said Weiss.

" _Yep,_ " agreed the voice.

The elevator ride continued in silence. As the seconds passed, Weiss sighed. _Alright, Weiss,_ she thought to herself, _You need to look happy so nobody knows what you're up to. More importantly, so nobody tells your father you seem upset at Beacon. Let's practice._

Weiss's face remained impassive.

 _Come on,_ she thought to herself. _Just smile! Just imagine Ruby's around_.

An irritated frown came to Weiss's face as she started glaring at the elevator doors.

 _No, no!_ she thought. _Ok, how about imagining Arc asking you out. His attempts are so pathetic you usually end up laughing_.

Weiss's upper lip curled as an expression of utter disgust grew on her face.

 _Alright, this isn't working…_ she thought. _Ok…imagine gaining Father and Winter's approval with your decisions and having them respect you as your own person_.

Weiss smiled, her disgusted expression disappearing. As she did so, the elevator's doors opened with a ding. Weiss walked out of the elevator and into a large room. Dozens of students were sitting at computer terminals, chatting with friends and family members.

"What do you mean you can't put Patches on?" asked one of the students. "I just want to see how he's doing."

"Uh…well…" said a middle-aged woman on the monitor. "Patches can't come to the phone because…because…we took him to a farm!" She smiled and said, "A nice doggy farm where he can live out the rest of his days."

"Oh," said the girl. "Well, I guess that's alright. Thanks Mom."

"No problem, honey," said the girl's mother. "Now-"

The girl suddenly gasped. "Can we visit Patches at that farm when I come home for the summer? I think he'd like it!"

"Uh…" faltered the girl's mother. Her eyes darted from side to side as she laughed nervously. "I don't know about that…"

Weiss quickly walked up to the front desk and waited. Suddenly, she heard the girl yell out, "What do you mean 'a Grimm ate Patches'?!"

As the girl's mother stammered for an excuse, Weiss sighed and muttered, "At least my parents never lied to me…"

 _Years ago_ :

"Dada!" cooed Weiss, taking wobbly steps towards her father. She giggled excitedly as she grabbed onto her father's leg.

Mr. Schnee looked down at the baby clutching his leg and scoffed. "It's taken you _nine_ months to learn how to walk, Weiss?" he asked. "Winter was able to walk at _eight_. God, you're such a disappointment."

 _Now_ :

Weiss blinked. "I'm starting to think I have some issues," she muttered to herself.

"Um…miss?" said a voice.

Weiss looked down at the front desk and noticed a hologram of a woman staring up at her. "Oh…sorry," apologized Weiss. "I need to make a call to the Schnee Company World Headquarters in Atlas."

"Complaining about your Dust bill too, huh?" asked the woman. "You're the fifth person today who's made a call to the Schnee Company. I don't think they'll help you, though. Those Schnees are so cold, they probably have icicles shoved up their-"

"I'm Weiss _Schnee_ , actually," said Weiss, glaring at the holographic woman. "I want to make a call to my family's company, if that's alright with you."

The hologram woman's eyes widened. She immediately gave Weiss a strained-looking smile and said, "So sorry, Miss Schnee. Terminal three is available for you."

"Thank you _so much_ for your help," said Weiss, giving the woman a glare. She stomped away to her terminal.

Once she was gone, the holographic woman sighed and put her head in her hands. "I am _so_ fired…" she muttered sadly.

Weiss sat down at her terminal and stared at the blank screen in front of her. She sighed and waited for the call to go through. Suddenly, the screen turned on and revealed a young woman dressed in formal attire. Behind her was a green background with a giant rotating snowflake.

"I swear to god," said the woman on the screen, "If this is another call asking if our refrigerator's running, I am going to-" She looked up and her eyes widened as she saw Weiss. "Oh! Miss Schnee! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were calling. Would you like me to contact your father? Or your sister? We can have them come to pick you up from Beacon in no time."

"Wait, 'pick me up'?" asked Weiss. "What do you mean?"

The woman on the screen blinked. "Aren't you calling to tell your father that Beacon's too hard and you want to come back home?"

Weiss frowned. "No. I just wanted to do some research for class. Why would you think that I wanted to come back home?"

The woman laughed nervously. "No reason, no reason at all! It's not like we have a bet around the office about when you'll give up and come crying to daddy, if _that's_ what you were thinking!"

"It wasn't," said Weiss.

"Good!" said the woman quickly. "Because that's _totally_ not what's happening."

Weiss sighed and said, "Look, I don't need my father or my sister. I just need you to find some files that I've listed on my Scroll." She reached into her pocket and pulled out her Scroll. She placed it into a slot on the terminal and watched as the woman on screen started reading the list.

"Uh…there are some pretty sensitive documents on this list," said the woman as she looked at Weiss again. "I'm pretty sure you don't need these for a class project."

"I see," said Weiss. "Tell me…what company do you work for?"

"…The Schnee Company?" replied the woman.

"What family owns the Schnee Company?" asked Weiss.

"The Schnees," answered the woman.

"Who am I?" asked Weiss, pointing at herself.

"…Weiss Schnee," replied the woman.

"Right," said Weiss, "And as a Schnee, I can be trusted with sensitive material about my family's company, don't you think?"

"Yeah, fine…" said the woman. She started typing and muttered under her breath, "I better not get fired for doing this…"

The Scroll dinged and Weiss grabbed it from the slot on the terminal. "Thank you," said Weiss. "That will be all."

"Whatever," said the woman. She paused for a second. "…Are you sure you don't want to contact your family?"

"No," said Weiss. "I don't need to talk with them."

"Well, fuck. I'm out a hundred Lien," muttered the woman. The screen faded to black as the call ended.

 _Meanwhile, in downtown Vale_ :

Penny was standing in front of an outdoor café, looking nervous. She watched as cars passed by on the street and sighed.

"Penny?" asked a voice.

Penny jumped and spun around, grabbing the stranger's throat as she did so. Penny gazed at her assaulter and said, "Ruby?"

Ruby choked as Penny's hand squeezed her throat. "Hello…Penny…" she wheezed. "Let go…please…please let go…" Her face turned blue as she attempted to pry Penny's hand off of her.

"Sorry Ruby…" said Penny, letting Ruby go. As the other girl gasped and rubbed her neck, Penny sighed and said, "I'm…a little nervous. I don't know where to begin…"

"At the beginning?" suggested Ruby, coughing. "We just want to find out what those guys were up to on the docks."

"I honestly don't know anything about that," said Penny. She was silent for a few seconds. "…But there is something I need to show you. Come with me." She started walking down the sidewalk, forcing Ruby to catch up with her.

"Penny," said Ruby, "What happened to you that night? We were all together and then you just disappeared. Were you kidnapped? Held hostage? Were you replaced by a robot in order to pass as a human girl?"

"…Not _replaced_ , no…" said Penny, her eyes darting from side to side. She cleared her throat and said, "My father just picked me up. He doesn't like me wandering off while we're in another kingdom."

"I'm glad I'm not the _only_ one with an overprotective dad," said Ruby. "My dad freaks out if we leave the house without telling him."

"Because he wants you to be safe?" asked Penny.

"I think," said Ruby. "He always says something along the lines of 'the women in my life keep leaving me', and then he starts crying. A lot."

The two were silent for a few moments.

"…Um…" began Penny.

" _So_!" subtly interrupted Ruby. "Why didn't you let us know you were ok?"

"Well, for starters," began Penny, "I had no way to contact you. At all. You failed to give me your Scroll number."

"In my defense," said Ruby, "I was busy trying to find Blake. And I just barely figured out you can call people on your Scroll."

"Secondly," continued Penny, "I was asked not to talk to you, Weiss, Yang, Blake, or that handsome simian boy that smelled like bananas."

"Did we do something to make your dad mad?" asked Ruby.

"Not at all," said Penny. "My father was actually glad I made some friends. It was…someone else…"

"Really?" asked Ruby. The two of them rounded the corner into the town square. "Then who was it?"

" _The AK-130 class has been the standard security model for several years,_ " said an electronic-sounding voice.

"Him," said Penny, pointing to the middle of the square. A stage had been set up in front of a large crowd of people. Lines of robots were standing in front of two large boxes on opposite sides of the stage. In the middle of the stage, a holographic projection of a man was speaking to the crowd.

"That's James Ironwood," whispered Penny to Ruby. "He's the General of Atlas's military."

" _These robots have done a fine job_ ," said the hologram of the General. He gestured towards the crowd and asked, " _Wouldn't you agree?_ " There was a spark and Ironwood's image flickered. " _Wouldn't you agree? Wouldn't you agree? Wouldn't you agree? Wouldn't you_ - _"_ There was another spark and Ironwood's projection continued, " _But, you know something folks? After several train-stealing related incidents, it's become clear that we, as a people, need to step our game up. Because…fine just isn't good enough._ " There was another spark and Ironwood stuttered, " _Good enough, good enough, good enough, good good good good good good good good…_ " There was another spark and Ironwood said, " _The Atlesian Knight! Truly a-_ " He paused and turned around to look at the boxes. " _For fuck's sake…_ " he muttered. He pulled out his Scroll and smacked it.

The shutters on the boxes behind him opened, revealing silver-plated robots with dark, helmet-like faces. Each one of them raised their guns and shot the older model robots in front of them. The older robots fell to the ground in pieces as the Knights stepped over their metallic remains. In unison, the Knights holstered their weapons on their backs and raised their robotic middle fingers at the piles of metal at their feet.

" _The Atlesian Knight!_ " repeated Ironwood. " _Truly a marvel of modern engineering! Smarter, sleeker! More poetic!"_

" _What is art_?" asked one of the Knights, looking up at the sky.

" _What is beauty_?" asked another, holding up a flower.

" _What is love?_ " asked a third, thrusting its pelvis. " _Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me…no more."_

The broken robot at its feet jerked.

" _Movement!"_ shouted the Knights. They pulled out their guns and blasted waves of bullets at the ruined robot on the floor.

"Ruby…maybe we should go…" said Penny.

"Shh!" shushed Ruby, transfixed by the display. "Can't talk. Weapons…" She slurped as drool trailed down her chin.

" _Now, what we want is to reduce the number of human casualties during war,_ " continued Ironwood. " _In a perfect world, we would make so no man or woman have to go into battle. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world. There are many situations where a human touch is necessary for success. So, with Atlas's greatest scientific minds and the funding of the Schnee Dust Company, we are proud to introduce the Atlesian Paladin!_ "

Ironwood's projection disappeared and, in its place, a projection of a large mech appeared. It was huge, easily dwarfing the boxes holding the Atlesian Knights. Its holographic guns were built into its arms and pointing at the audience.

" _Now we couldn't have one here for you today_ ," continued Ironwood's voice, " _But we plan on having them defending kingdom borders within the year!_ "

"This is awesome!" yelled a man in the crowd.

"I know, right?!" yelled another. "Imagine, an entire army full of robots!"

"Cool!" said the first man. "Hey, want to see a movie after this?"

"Sure!" said the second man. "I think the theater's playing _Terminator_."

"This is so cool!" said Ruby, wiping more drool off her chin. She turned to Penny and said, "Imagine! Now robots can fight and be destroyed fighting the Grimm instead of people! Isn't it great?"

Penny narrowed her eyes at Ruby. "I am 100 percent disgusted with you right now," she growled. She paused as a flash of color appeared in the corner of her eye. She turned and looked at two armored soldiers standing at the edge of the crowd.

"Grif," said one, who had a maroon stripe on his helmet, "I keep telling you that Specialist Schnee isn't interested in you."

"Shows what you know, Simmons," said the other solider, a heavier-set man with an orange stripe on his helmet. "She's just playing hard to get."

"She literally tried to stab you the last time you hit on her," said Simmons. "You don't want to piss her off. Remember what happened to Tucker?"

"She didn't punish him _that_ badly," said Grif.

"He's on latrine duty!" said Simmons. "For the next twenty-seven _years_!"

"Listen," said Grif, turning to look at Simmons, "I don't need you babysitting me, alright? You don't have to act like the General does with-" Grif paused as he made eye contact with the two girls. "…Penny?"

Ruby raised her eyebrow as the two men started moving towards them. "Do you know those guys?" she asked. She turned, only to find that Penny had disappeared. Ruby turned around and saw Penny run into a nearby alley. "Penny, wait!" she shouted, running after her.

Ruby chased Penny through the alley and into the next street. She dodged cars as they swerved and blared their horns at her. Once on the other side of the street, Ruby turned to look at the two soldiers as they bumbled their way through traffic. Ruby turned her attention back to Penny, who had entered another alley. Ruby ran into the alley just as Penny disappeared behind the corner of it. Ruby noticed a pile of crates being held up by a wooden platform. Smirking, she pulled out Crescent Rose and slashed the leg of the platform as she ran past, causing the crates to fall and litter the alley behind her. The soldiers behind her cursed as they attempted to climb over the crates.

Ruby saw Penny run ahead of her. She activated her Semblance and rushed forward, wrapping her arms around Penny's waist. "This way!" said Ruby, looking towards another alley on their right. She grunted as she activated her Semblance and sped off with Penny. "You…you're a lot heavier than you look…" she informed Penny as debris and garbage blew behind them.

"Oh, that's just my…my…" Penny paused and sighed. "Oh, what's the point? I need to tell you something, Ruby."

"Huh?" said Ruby, turning her head to look at the other girl. "What?"

"I'm not-" began Penny. Her eyes widened and she shouted, "Look out!"

Ruby looked up in time to see the corner the alley rushing towards them. She cried out as she slammed into the corner, losing her grip on Penny as she did so. Ruby was dazed and spun as she was thrown forwards. She groaned as she landed in the middle of the street in front of the alley. As she sat up, a loud honking reached her ears. She looked behind her and saw a large truck barreling towards her.

"Ruby!" shouted Penny, who was lying on the sidewalk. She got up and rushed towards the fallen girl, pushing her out of the way. Penny held her hands out and grabbed the truck as it hit her, causing it to slam to a halt. The road beneath her shattered as she stopped the truck in its tracks.

Penny pulled her hands off the front of the truck, leaving massive hand-shaped dents on the hood. As the truck's engine smoked in front of her, Penny turned to look at Ruby, who was staring at her wide-eyed.

"…Holy shit," muttered Ruby.

Penny looked at the driver of the truck and said, "Do you have your license and registration?"

The old man at the wheel blinked. "Uh…I sort of got my wallet stolen by some stripper a few days ago, so…"

"Great!" said Penny, aware of the crowds of people looking at her. "Well, got to go!" She ran from what was left of the truck and headed for another alley.

"Penny!" called Ruby. "Wait!" She rushed after the other girl.

The old man took his shaky hands off the wheel and looked at his ruined hood. "I hate this fucking city…" he muttered. There was a loud bang as his airbag went off, slamming into his face.

In the alley, Penny came to a stop at a dead end. "Oh dear…" she muttered, looking around for an exit.

"Penny!" yelled Ruby as she caught up with her. "Did you see that?! That truck was coming right at me and you caught it and it was like 'BAM' and you saved me! That was _so_ cool! How did you do that?!"

"I…I…" said Penny. She sighed and said, "You know how I wanted to tell you something? Well…" She held out her hands. The skin on her palms had ripped, revealing metal underneath.

"…You have robo-hands?" asked Ruby, confused.

"I have robo- _everything_ ," said Penny. "I'm not a real girl, Ruby."

Ruby stared at the metal beneath Penny's fake skin. "…Neat."

* * *

 **The totals for the Schnee Dust Company's "Whiny Weiss" pool are as follows:**

 **75% of employees are betting that she calls her father and begs him to take her home.**

 **15% of employees say that she'll get kicked out of Beacon for trying to usurp Ozpin's position.**

 **9% of employees say that she'll be killed by her teammates once they get sick of her attitude.**

 **1 employee says that Weiss will get to the doubles round in the Vytal Festival, start mastering her Semblance, reconcile with her sister, and fight terrorists before she comes back home. Said employee was promptly fired after getting caught inhaling Dust in the supply closet during the company's lunch hour.**


	21. CSI - Combat Shipping Investigation

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

 **AN: Not dead, I promise. There's more of this to come.**

* * *

 **Chapter 21: CSI (Combat Shipping Investigation)**

Ruby's mouth fell open at the sight of Penny's hands. "I can't believe it," she muttered as she stared at shiny metal. She could see her own reflection beneath the tatters of Penny's synthetic skin. "You're a robot. This is so…so…"

"Ruby please," Penny whispered quickly. "You don't have to panic! I'm still your friend, I promise, I'm just-"

"SO COOL!" squealed Ruby, a big smile on her face.

Penny blinked. "…Huh?"

"You're a _robot_!" gushed Ruby. "How many people can say that they have a _robot_ for a friend?! This is awesome!" She grabbed Penny's hands and rubbed the cool metal with her thumbs. "I have so many questions! Can you eat people food? Do you feel it when I touch your hands? Are you waterproof?"

"Ruby, I-" began Penny.

"Do you run on batteries?" asked Ruby. She looked down at Penny's skirt. "Where do you put them?"

"That's…sort of personal…" Penny muttered, sounding embarrassed.

Ruby bounced in place as her gaze shifted back to Penny's face. "Can you get on the Internet? Or watch movies? Do you have _games_? We should totally play some!"

"RUBY!" yelled Penny.

"Hm?" Ruby asked, pausing mid-bounce. "What is it?"

Penny shifted uncomfortably, halfheartedly trying to tug her way out of Ruby's grip. "Do...do you really not care that I'm not real?" she asked. "I'm a synthetic person that's capable of generating an Aura. Don't you think that's…odd?"

"No," said Ruby immediately, dropping back to the ground. "Should I?"

"Yes!" yelled Penny, finally pulling away from Ruby. "I'm just a machine! I'm made of nuts and bolts, not squishy guts!" She sighed and looked down at the garbage covered concrete. "…I'm not a real girl like you."

Ruby smiled and gently took Penny's hands back in her own. "Yes you are. You're real to me."

Penny looked at Ruby, her face distraught. "But I'm just-"

"So you're made of metal," interrupted Ruby. "Who cares? We're still friends, right? It's not like you were programmed to become friends with me." Ruby paused as she considered something. "…You _weren't_ programmed to become friends with me, right?"

Penny shook her head quickly. "No! I wanted to be friends with you! I promise!"

"Well then, there you go!" said Ruby happily. " _You_ made that decision. You _chose_ to be friends with me. And _I_ choose to still be friends with you. Nuts, bolts, and all."

Penny blinked and touched her face. She pulled her hand away when she felt liquid trailing down her cheeks. "My coolant levels appear to be leaking…" she muttered in amazement.

Ruby smiled as she let go of Penny's hands. She reached over and gently wiped the liquid off of Penny's face. "Those are called tears, Penny." She held out her arms and said, "Hug?" Penny stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Ruby hesitantly. Ruby laughed and pulled Penny forward, wrapped her arms around her, and squeezed her tight. "See? You were worried for nothing."

Penny giggled and returned the hug. "You're right, Ruby. I suppose I just panicked, huh?"

"Yeah," said Ruby. "Nothing bad is going to happen."

"Penny!" called a voice from further down the alley.

Penny shrieked and tightened her grip. "Something bad is happening!"

Ruby heard an audible cracking noise as her body was crushed by Penny's vice-like grip. She wheezed and choked out, "Who are…those…guys?"

"The work for Mr. Ironwood! And my father works for Mr. Ironwood! And _I_ work for Mr. Ironwood!" Penny gasped, squeezing Ruby tighter. "If they see you, they may not let me be friends with you!"

Ruby made a squeaking noise as her face turned blue and then purple. "Why…?" she asked, her voice raspy.

"It might affect my combat-readiness!" gasped Penny. She narrowed her eyes and growled, "That can _never_ happen."

Ruby blinked rapidly as her vision started fading. "Penny…" she begged, futilely tapping at the android's arm. She was vaguely aware of a bright light at the end of the alley, where a woman in a white cloak was beckoning to her.

" _Ruby!_ " she thought she heard the woman say. " _I didn't think I'd see you so soon! Just let go, baby! Mama's got a fresh plate of cookies for you! We can eat them together with a nice cool glass of milk to go with it! Afterwards, we can hunt down some of those bastard Grimm and pump them full of lead! Won't that be lovely?"_

"I have to save the world…" muttered Penny, "But I have to save my friendship with you, too." Penny groaned in frustration and said, "I won't let anyone tell me to throw my friendship with you aside like it's a piece of…" Penny trailed off as inspiration struck her. She turned around, her gaze settling on a filthy dumpster against the graffiti-covered wall. "…Garbage…" she muttered.

Ruby gasped as Penny's arms moved away from her neck and the darkness clouding her vision faded. ( _"Dammit,_ " muttered the woman in white as she faded from Ruby's view) She suddenly squeaked as Penny put her hands on her waist and lifted her over her shoulder. "Penny?!" she yelled. "What are you doing?!"

"FOR FRIENDSHIP!" yelled Penny as she threw Ruby in the dumpster. She slammed the lid down. She turned, paused, and then turned around again to open the lid. "I'm sorry, Ruby," she said to the now-garbage-covered girl, "But I need you to hide until I leave with those soldiers. I don't want you to get into trouble."

Ruby's nose wrinkled as the foul stench fully hit her. "I could have just hidden _by_ the dumpster, Penny!" she gagged, grabbing a banana peel off of her head and throwing it to the side. "You didn't have to-"

"There's no time!" hissed Penny, slamming the dumpster's lid down on Ruby. She turned just in time to see the maroon-striped soldier run towards her. "Hello Private Simmons," she greeted.

"Penny!" panted Simmons. "Why the fuck did you run away from us? And who was that girl you were with?"

"She was just a random passerby who I in no way shoved in the dumpster next to us," lied Penny. After a violent hiccuping fit, she leaned against the dumpster and whistled casually.

Simmons stared at her. "…Riiiiiight…" He shook his head and said, "Listen Penny, you shouldn't cause such a scene. What do you think people would say about you stopping a truck with your bare hands?"

"…That I was a Huntress?" suggested Penny. "They pretty much have superpowers."

Simmons opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again as he considered what Penny had said. "…Alright," he said after a while, "I'll give you that one."

"Besides," said Penny, "I only ran because _you_ were chasing me."

"Yeah…" agreed Simmons. He blinked as he considered what Penny had just said. "Wait, what?! Are you trying to say that this was _my_ fault?!"

"Correct," replied Penny.

"What the fuck?!" yelled Simmons. "No it's not!"

"It's alright, Private Simmons," said Penny. "I'm sure the General will believe you if you tell him. By my calculations, there's only a forty percent chance that he'll be disappointed in you."

"Disappointed?" repeated Simmons. He gulped. "O-on second thought, I'm sure the General doesn't _really_ need to know what happened. Let's just take you back and see if you need any repairs."

"That sounds great!" said Penny. She blinked and said, "Where is Minor Junior Private Negative First Class Grif?"

"Here…" wheezed a voice from further down the alley. Simmons and Penny turned to watch the orange-colored soldier, who was huffing, puffing, and clutching a stitch in his side, stumble towards them. "What…what did…what did I miss?" he panted. He groaned and fell face-first to the filthy ground.

"Seriously man," said Simmons, looking down at the fallen soldier and prodding him with his foot, "How the fuck did you _ever_ pass basic training?"

"Pass?" asked Grif as he looked up inquisitively. "You mean you actually have to _go_ to that?"

Simmons sighed and slapped a hand against his helmet's visor. He grabbed Penny's hand and wordlessly walked down the alley with her.

Grif groaned and pulled his hefty body back up on his feet. He walked after the two, pulling a box of cigarettes out of his pocket as he did so. "Seriously…" he muttered to himself. "I need a sabbatical or something after this shit."

 _Meanwhile_ :

The roar of an engine filled Vale's empty streets as a yellow motorcycle raced down the road. Its rider grinned as she sped up, the wind blowing her hair behind her…directly into the face of her passenger, who was hanging on to the rider's waist for dear life.

Neptune spat Yang's admittedly pleasant-smelling hair out of his mouth. "Seriously," he yelled over the engine's roar, "Are you sure you don't have another helmet?" He looked forward and his face went chalk white. " _CAR_!" he shrieked.

"Sorry!" yelled Yang, a bright yellow helmet on her head and a big smile on her face. She casually steered the bike out of the oncoming vehicle's path. "And nope! Just the one helmet! But why are you even complaining? You don't even need a helmet with your aura protecting you!"

Neptune blinked. "Oh yeah…I honestly forgot about it." After a moment's pause, he frowned and asked, "Wait, then why are _you_ wearing one?"

"That's easy!" shouted Yang. "I wear one because…because…" She paused. "…Why _am_ I wearing one?" she asked quietly.

"LIGHT!" yelled Neptune as a streetlight fast approached them. He quickly shut his eyes and held on tightly to Yang, bracing for impact.

Yang wheezed as she made a turn, narrowly avoiding the light. "Easy on the goods, hon," she called as the bike roared down the dark street. "I know what I'm doing."

Neptune cracked an eye open and looked around. Seeing that he was not, in fact, in a horribly fatal accident, he let out a sigh of relief. "Sorry," he said, relaxing his grip on Yang's midriff. "I-I'm not really used to this sort of thing..."

"It's alright," Yang said with a dismissive wave of her hands. At Neptune's panicked squawk, she quickly placed her hands back on the bike's grips. "I guess I should take it a little easier, huh? I keep forgetting that not everyone likes it as rough as I do."

"Yeah, thanks. I-" Neptune paused his grateful remark as he thought over what Yang said. "Wait…you are talking about the _motorcycle_ , right?"

Yang grinned as she looked back at Neptune. She gave him a wink and said, "Play your cards right, handsome, and you might find out."

Neptune's jaw dropped as Yang looked back at the road. He exhaled a shaky breath and muttered, "Damn…"

"Aha!" said Yang. "I knew it was around here somewhere!" She squeezed the lever on the bike's right grip and stomped on one of the pedals. The tires smoked as the bike came to a squealing stop. Neptune slammed into Yang's back as he was launched forward. With a groan, he slid off the motorcycle and landed on the pavement. "Where am I?" he murmured, dazed.

"Junior's!" said Yang happily. She took off her helmet and dropped it onto the seat of the motorcycle. She stretched and walked away from the bike.

What she was actually walking towards, Neptune had no idea. His attention was locked onto the back of Yang's miniskirt. "Oh damn…" he muttered, his eyes following the blonde's swaying hips.

Yang stopped and looked back at him. She grinned and said, "Yes, my ass _is_ in gear. How about you do the same?"

Neptune coughed and averted his gaze, his face turning red. "R-right," he said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat and repeated, "Right, sorry." He got back onto his feet and dusted himself off. "So, what are we doing here any-" His voice died as he finally looked at the building Yang had parked in front of. "Oh… _damn_ …"

When Yang had started driving past some seedier parts of town, Neptune had prepared himself for a place that was rougher than what he was used to.

He was not, however, expecting something that looked like it had been dragged through a war zone.

Cracks and craters decorated the building's walls as though it had suffered heavy artillery. Several of the windows looked like they were blown open, with scorch marks on their sides and sills. In front of the building was a very man-sized indent on the concrete path. The obnoxiously bright neon sign reading the word JUNIOR'S was only lit on the OR'S, with the UNI cracked and broken. The pathetic-looking J was hanging precariously by a wire off the building.

Neptune gulped, his mouth suddenly very dry. "Wait, I recognize this place. It was all over the news a couple of months ago. They said that it was wrecked by some angry demon from hell."

Yang turned to glare at him. "I am a perfectly _even-tempered_ demon from hell, thank you very much," she huffed.

Neptune blinked. "Wait…that was _you_?! _You_ ," he gestured to Yang, "Did _this?!_ " He gestured back to the ruined exterior of the nightclub. "How? _Why!?_ "

"Well," Yang began, "to make a long story short, I was looking for someone and the owner didn't know where she was. So I assaulted him."

Neptune coughed and took a step back from Yang. "That…seems like a bit of an overreaction."

"Eh…" Yang shrugged. "He's probably forgotten all about it. Let's head inside." She turned and walked to the club's front doors.

Neptune sighed as he started following Yang. "Alright, just calm down," he told himself. "So Yang's got some bad history with this place. We're just asking some questions." He laughed and said, "Besides, it's not like Yang's just going to barge in there or anything like that. No one will even know we were here."

Yang reached the club's front doors. She cleared her throat daintily and raised her fist as though she was about to knock. Suddenly, she pulled her arm back and shot it forward, punching one of the doors with all her might. The door was knocked from its hinges, splintering in half as flew into the club. Yang grinned as she stepped inside, the club's loud music scratching to a halt as she did so.

"Honey!" she called into the now silent building, grinning wildly at the stunned crowds within. "I'm hoooome!"

Neptune froze mid-stride. "…Please god, no…" he muttered.

Dozens of black-suited men rushed from every corner of the room, surrounding Yang. Each of them pulled out firearms of various sizes and pointed them directly at Yang's head.

"Freeze!" shouted one, his mustache twitching in anger. "Don't move or we will be shooting ourselves!"

"Shut the fuck up, Larry," said a voice. The men in front of Yang were pushed aside as a large, bearded man walked forwards. He glared at Yang and said, "What in god's name do you want?"

Yang put her hands on her chest. "Junior, I'm hurt!" she gasped. "Can't a girl visit a friend without being accused of wanting something?"

Junior sighed and said, "Look…just tell me what I have to do to get you the fuck out of here faster."

"I want information," said Yang. She smiled and said, "But I need a drink first."

"You and me both…" muttered Junior. He waved his men aside and walked towards the bar at the back of the room, Yang following close behind him.

Junior's goons turned to stare at Neptune, who hadn't moved from his spot. "Um…" he said hesitantly, "…I'm with her?"

Larry the Goon strode forward. He fell to his knees and clasped his hands in front of Neptune. "Please don't let her kill us…" he sobbed pathetically.

"I'll…I'll try?" said Neptune.

"God bless you," said Larry. He put his face in his hands and started sobbing. Neptune hesitantly reached out and patted the thug on the head. He looked over and spotted two identical-looking girls in red and white staring at him.

"Seriously," Neptune said, pulling away from Larry. "What the fuck did she _do_ the last time she was here?"

The girls looked at each other and then looked around at the club. Their pale eyes passed over the cracks in the glass floor, the shattered lights, and the DJ's booth, where frantic praying could be heard. They both looked back at Neptune and said, in unison, "Don't ask."

 _Meanwhile:_

On the other side of town, Blake had paused in front of a dark alleyway. She squinted her eyes as she took a step forward. "Where are you?" she muttered to herself, her golden eyes peering at the walls.

"Hey, what's up?" said a loud, familiar voice behind her. "Do you guys know where the White Fang's super-secret meeting is happening?"

Blake's eyes went wide as she spun around. Sun was leaning against the side of the adjacent building, chatting with a Faunus couple on the sidewalk. She sighed and quickly strode forward, grabbing onto Sun's sleeve. She dragged him into the alley and slammed him against the wall. "Sun!" she hissed. "You can't just ask people where a White Fang meeting is! Have you _even_ been a part of a terrorist organization before?!"

"Um…no?" said Sun. "This is all pretty new to me, remember?"

Blake blinked. "Oh…right." She stepped away from Sun and said, "W-well, the White Fang use a secret mark to tell people where the meeting is. It's three white scratch marks that-"

Sun pointed to the wall behind Blake and said, "Hey, check out that weird poster!"

Blake turned around to see a large poster with the words 'White Fang Meeting This Way' written on it. Underneath the words was an arrow pointing further down the alley and a picture of a White Fang soldier smiling and giving a thumbs-up.

Blake sighed and rubbed her eyes. "I honestly don't know what's worse. The audacity of it all or the fact that they used Comic Sans as the font."

Sun looked over the poster. "You do sort of have to admire the ballsiness of it," he admitted. He turned back to Blake. "It's like they're not even worried about being caught."

Blake sighed. "Adam never was much for subtlety."

 _Meanwhile, somewhere in the wilderness_ :

A White Fang grunt strode into the tent and said, "Sir! Shouldn't you be at that meeting in Vale? The Lieutenant has already le…" He froze as he took in the sight in front of him. "Um…Sir? What are you doing?"

Adam immediately pulled his lips away from his pillow, onto which he had glued a pair of fake cat ears. "Uh…nothing," he lied, hiding the pillow behind his back. He cleared his throat and said, "Look, I can't make it to Vale. I'm far too busy with…" He quickly moved in front of the wall of the tent, where numerous pictures of Blake had been taped to the canvas. "…Important matters."

The grunt stared at Adam for a moment. "Sir…should I be concerned?"

"Only if you tell anyone about this," answered Adam.

"Yes sir!" the grunt said as he saluted. He quickly backed out of the tent.

Adam turned back to the pillow and scooped it up in his arms. "Now…where were we?"

 _Back in Vale:_

Blake peeked around the corner of the alley. The Faunus couple from before were excitedly whispering to each other as they approached a suspicious looking man. The man took one look at the antlers on their foreheads and stepped aside, allowing the two entrance into the warehouse behind him.

"This is it," Blake whispered as she moved back from the corner.

Sun clapped his hands excitedly. "Awesome! Let's do this thing!" He began walking around the corner.

Blake quickly reached out and grabbed the back of Sun's shirt. She hauled him back from the corner and hissed, "Sun! We can't just waltz in there! We'll be recognized!"

Sun sighed. "You're right. I guess we need some disguises, huh?" He looked around the alley. "We could probably use some trash to…"

Blake reached up and pulled off her bow, revealing her cat ears. "Ready!" she said.

Sun stared at her. "Really? That's your big disguise? Taking off your bow?"

"…Yes?" answered Blake.

Sun smiled and gave her a thumbs-up. "Works for me!" He gestured to himself and said, "Now do me!"

Blake looked Sun up-and-down, a frown on her face. She walked forward and buttoned up his shirt. "Ta da," she said dully as she stepped away from him.

Sun looked down at his covered torso in awe. "…Oh my god, I feel so warm." He looked at Blake and said, "Is this how a shirt's supposed to feel? This is awesome!"

Blake rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand. "Come on," she ordered, pulling him towards the warehouse.

The man at the entrance spotted the two as they approached and pulled out two masks. "You're not Huntsmen, spies, traitors, or humans are you?" he asked.

"I am definitely not two of those," said Sun, giving the man a thumbs-up. Blake sighed as she facepalmed.

"Sounds good," said the man, making Blake freeze. He handed them both a mask and stood aside to let them pass. "New recruits keep to the right of the room."

Blake and Sun entered the warehouse, where they spotted the couple from before pass a guard at the end of the crate-filled hallway. As they walked, Sun examined the mask in his hand. "So, I have a question," he asked, "If you guys think that this terrorism thing is awesome, why do you hide your faces?"

Blake rolled her eyes and said, "Even we aren't fanatical enough to believe that there won't be consequences for our actions if somebody recognizes us. Besides, it's symbolic. Humanity thinks we're monsters, so we wear masks to look like monsters."

"Monster masks…" repeated Sun. He slipped his on and gave Blake a grin. "That's kind of _Grimm_ , right?"

Blake sighed and put her own mask on. "Why do all the cute blondes I know love puns?" she asked herself.

"You think I'm cute?" asked Sun. He paused as he thought over Blake's words. "Wait… _blondes_? As in more than one?"

"Let's just go," said Blake, turning and walking towards the guard at the end of the hall. Sun shook his head and quickly followed her. They passed the guard and entered a large room. On one side of the room, armored White Fang troops stood at attention. On the other side, masked Faunus of all ages were standing around, chatting among themselves. Blake and Sun made their way towards the crowd, finding spots to stand in the very center of it.

At the front of the room, a makeshift stage had been set up. A banner with the White Fang logo obscured everything behind the stage. A large, masked man with a sleeveless jacket paced in front of the banner, looking out on the crowd. He suddenly stopped and turned to face the crowd, his imposing stance immediately silencing all conversation. Everyone gave him their attention, eagerly awaiting the words this mountain of a man would speak.

"…" The man was silent as he gazed out on the crowd. He cleared his throat and said, "Mmph-mmph-mph mph mmmph mph mmmph."

There was silence as the crowd tried to make out the words in the man's muffled speech.

"Is…is his mask on too tight?" asked Sun.

"He said 'Thank you all for coming to our weekly recruitment drive," translated Blake.

"Mph mmphs mmph mph mmmph mmmmph-mmph-mph, mmmph mph mmmmph-mmph-mph maaa mmph mph mmmmph mmph-mph." continued the masked man.

"'For those joining us for the first time, let me introduce a very special buddy of ours,'" Blake translated.

"Rommmph Torchmmmph!" said the masked man, gesturing to the side of the stage. The spotlight swiveled to the left side of the stage, where Roman Torchwick was waiting. With a cocky grin, he began making his way to the center of the stage.

Blake turned to Sun and said, "He said, 'Roman-'"

"Torchwick," Sun interrupted, "Yeah, I got it, Blake."

"Thank you, thank you everybody! Happy to be here!" Torchwick called as he sauntered his way to the stage, accompanied by the boos of the crowd. He casually moved to the side, deftly dodging a thrown glass bottle. "You're too kind!"

"Bowler hats suck!" heckled one of the Faunus in the crowd, causing the crowd to laugh.

Torchwick snapped his fingers and called, "Oh, Neo?"

A girl with brown and pink hair rappelled down from the ceiling, sniper rifle in hand. She took aim and fired into the crowd. As the crowd suddenly fell silent, an audible thud could be heard coming from where the heckler's voice originated. The girl smiled sweetly as she lowered the rifle. She tugged on the ropes around her body and she was lifted back up to the ceiling and out of sight.

"Thank you, Neo," said Torchwick, a smirk on his face. He looked at the crowd and said, "Now that I have your attention, let me make a guess. I'm betting that you all are wondering what a filthy human like myself is doing here, right?" He chuckled and said, "Let's just say I… _empathize_ with your cause. Humans are scum. They've always been scum. They'll always _be_ scum." He gestured to himself. "Case in point. I mean, if this world of ours was as perfect as the humans would have us believe, why would people like myself and my associate with the impeccable aim exist? Why would we willingly lie, cheat, steal, and kill from our fellow man? Why would people like you get looked down on just because you have tails growing out of your asses? Why would the White Fang get demonized just for trying to get all of you a better life? Hmm? Anybody have an answer?"

Torchwick waited for a moment for the silent crowd to answer. When no one did, he smirked and continued. "Of course you don't. It's because this world _isn't_ perfect. Those in power spend more time helping themselves than running our kingdoms properly. _They'd_ rather stick to the status quo than actually stick their necks to help you. _They_ are the ones to blame for your lot in life." He gazed out into the crowd. "So…let me answer your question, shall I? Why am I here? _I'm_ here for the same reason _you_ are here. I'm sick of the way things are run. You want change. Change takes power. Power that _I_ can give you."

Torchwick snapped his fingers again. The White Fang banner behind him dropped, revealing a large mechanized battle suit behind him. "If you were in Vale's downtown area today," continued Torchwick, "You might have seen the _esteemed_ General Ironwood introducing these bad boys. But, in case you weren't, let me do the honors." He gestured to the mech. "This is the Atlesian Paladin-290. Armed with guns, rockets, and four thousand pounds of pure, Dust-infused steel. Capable of turning even the toughest Grimm into black pudding in a matter of seconds. Imagine what it could do to a human, huh?"

"Oh shit…" muttered Sun, staring at the Paladin. "That's one big robot."

"Mecha," corrected Blake, glaring at Torchwick through her mask. "How the hell did he get his hands on that?"

"Some of you might be wondering where I got this thing from," said Torchwick, tapping the Paladin with his cane. "My employer has _generously_ provided me with a few of these things that I can give to you. Our operations in the southeast could use more manpower." He pulled out a cigar from his pocket and lit it. "If you are ready to get off the leash and fight for your freedom, well…" He gave the cigar a puff and blew smoke out of his mouth. "This is the weapon we can give you. Sound good?"

The Faunus in the audience started to applaud and cheer. The White Fang troops fired their guns into the air in celebration. Torchwick bowed on stage as the audience threw bouquets of roses and various types of underwear at him. The pink and brown haired girl from before rolled her eyes from her position by the Paladin. She pulled out her Scroll and started playing a game.

"So…what now?" asked Sun, looking around at the cheering crowd.

"We should get out of here," said Blake. She turned and started walking towards the exit, but the crowd behind her moved forward to the stage, pushing her with them.

Sun grabbed Blake and pulled her closer to him, away from the crowd. "What do we do now?" he asked, grunting when the people behind him shoved him forward.

Blake looked around for a possible exit. Seeing Faunus all around her, she sighed. "Let's just follow the crowd for now." She pointed to the stage, where Torchwick pulled a pair of briefs off his hat with a grimace. "Torchwick isn't even looking at the crowd any more. As long as we don't do anything that gives away who we are, we should be able to sneak off when we have the chance."

"Got it," said Sun. Together, he and Blake moved closer to the stage.

 _Back at Junior's_ :

Yang watched as Junior, grumbling to himself, placed a margarita glass on the bar in front of her. Yang frowned as she examined the red liquid in the glass. She glared at Junior and said, "Where is my-"

"Little umbrella, I know," groused Junior. He reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a little yellow umbrella, which he promptly shoved into the glass. "Enjoy your fucking drink," he said. He turned and grabbed an empty glass and a bottle of whiskey from the shelf behind him.

"Ooh, uh…" said Neptune, who was sitting on the stool next to Yang. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm really not much of a drinker."

"It's not for you, stupid," growled Junior as he turned around. He placed the glass on the table and sat down, eyeing Neptune wearily. "Not unless you're willing to put my balls in a vice too."

Neptune gagged. "N-no, I'm good."

"Then you're not the one I have to worry about impressing," continued Junior, pouring alcohol into his glass. He carefully set the bottle onto the bar and grabbed the glass. He brought the glass to his lips and threw his head back, downing the drink in one gulp. Placing the empty glass back on the counter, Junior looked at Yang and asked, "So?"

"Torchwick," said Yang, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Haven't seen him," Junior answered. "Not since you busted this place up the last time."

"Why do I find that hard to believe?" asked Yang. "You two are friends, right?"

Junior laughed loudly at that. "Friends?" he asked. "Have you talked to the guy? He doesn't _do_ the whole 'friend' thing. The closet thing he has to a friend is his evil little sidekick."

"Then why was he even here?" asked Yang.

Junior sighed and reached for the bottle again. "He needed muscle for a job. Something about a Dust robbery or something. He paid up front and I lent him some of my boys. It was just business." He poured himself more whiskey and put the bottle back down.

"And he hasn't been back since?" pressed Yang.

Junior chuckled. "I'm guessing you didn't see the news, huh? My boys botched that job up pretty badly. None of them came back." He shuddered and took a sip of his drink. "Not in one piece anyway. Aside from Larry, but he's an asshole."

"Rude!" shouted Larry, who was on his way to the restrooms, plunger in hand.

Neptune slammed his hand down on the counter and stood up to stare down at Junior. "And why should we believe you?" he questioned.

Junior smiled slightly. He stood up, glass in hand, and towered over Neptune, who went wide-eyed as he craned his neck to look up at Junior. "You're new at this, huh kid?" asked Junior, sipping his drink.

"I'm not," said Yang, standing up herself. She glared up at Junior, who seemed to shrink as he stepped away from her. "So you tell me. Why _should_ we believe you?"

Junior sighed and set his drink down. "Blondie, even if you don't believe me, that's all I know. I haven't seen Torchwick since you came in the last time. All I know is that he's been gathering a lot of Dust for some reason. I don't know what."

Yang stared at him, her eyes turning red. Junior gulped, but didn't make another sound. After a few seconds, Yang sighed. Her eyes turned back to their normal color as she faced Neptune. "Come on," she said. "We should go."

As Yang and Neptune walked away, Junior eyed Yang's forgotten drink. He let out a shaky breath and grabbed it. He quickly drank the red liquid and sighed. "Christ, I hate this fucking city," he muttered, setting the empty glass down.

 _Back at the warehouse_ :

Sun and Blake were getting closer and closer to the stage as the line of new White Fang recruits moved forward. "See any way out?" whispered Sun.

"Not yet," hissed Blake. She looked at the stage, where Torchwick and the pink/brown-haired girl were taking a selfie in front of the Paladin.

"Well, let me know when we should-" began Sun. He was cut off when an excited child with rabbit ears latched onto his shirt.

"Hey, hey! Mister!" said the girl. "We get to be White Fang guys! Isn't that cool?!"

"Oh god," said Sun, looking at the little girl. "This is…disturbing that you're _this_ young and at a rally for a terrorist cult."

"The White Fang rules!" shouted the little girl, yanking on Sun's shirt.

"Yeah, great!" said Sun, trying to pull his shirt out of the girl's grasp. "Now if you could please just let-"

"RUUUULES!" screamed the little girl, giving Sun's shirt a mighty tug.

There was a loud ripping noise. Everyone in the warehouse turned to look at what had happened.

The buttons on Sun's shirt were on the floor, having been torn off by the excited girl's yanks. Sun's shirt was open, exposing his torso. Everyone stared as his abs seemed to glow with a golden light.

"Wow," said the little girl, finally letting go of the shirt.

"Wow," said Blake.

"Wow," said the crowd.

The pink and brown-haired girl whistled appreciatively. She took her Scroll and quickly snapped a picture of Sun's exposed torso.

Torchwick squinted. "Wait," he said, pointing at Sun. "I recognize those beautiful abs anywhere! It's that monkey kid from the docks! Which means…" His gaze drifted over to Blake. He smirked and pointed his cane at her. "Hello, Kitty."

"Oh shit, he sees us!" said Sun.

Blake finally tore her gaze away from Sun's body and frantically looked around the room. She spotted a breaker box and smiled. "He can't see in the dark!" she said as she grabbed her weapon. She aimed and fired at the box, plunging the room into darkness.

"Hey!" yelled Torchwick, his vision gone. "I can't see!"

"Ha!" laughed Sun, able to see Torchwick squinting in the darkness. "Sucks to be you, asshole! Too bad you don't have night vision like we do!"

Blake looked around, her eyes wide. "Um…Sun?"

Sun looked away from Torchwick and saw the White Fang soldiers leveling their guns at him and Blake. "Oh…" he said. "…Well, fuck."

The nearest White Fang soldier smirked and yelled, "Suck hot lead, traitors!" As she and the other troops squeezed their triggers, Blake and Sun closed their eyes, preparing for the worst.

 _Click._

Blake and Sun opened their eyes and looked around. The soldiers around them were squeezing their triggers, only to hear the click of empty magazines.

"Why did we fire all of our guns in the air again?" asked one.

"It seemed appropriate for the moment," answered another.

The soldier nearest to Blake and Sun frowned and held up her gun. "Well," she said, "we can still smack you around with these things."

Blake and Sun looked at each other and smirked. The ran forward, pushing and punching the soldiers next to them. "The window!" yelled Blake, pointing at the wall. The two ran forward and jumped. They smashed through the glass, landing on the concrete outside. They took off at a sprint, leaving the warehouse behind them.

"That was perfect!" said Sun as they ran down the street. "There's no way they can catch us now!"

They froze when they heard a loud rumbling noise. They turned around and looked at the warehouse just in time to see the wall explode outwards. A large metal foot stomped on the rubble as the Paladin from the warehouse stepped out, crushing the brick and splintered wood beneath its feet.

Blake frowned and glared at Sun. "You were saying?" she asked.

"LEG IT!" screamed Sun. He and Blake turned and ran, the Paladin close behind them.

 _At the CCT_ :

As Weiss exited the elevator, she took a look through the window at the night sky outside. "…Did I really just spend an entire day on the phone?" she asked herself.

 _Bzzt. Bzzzt._

Weiss reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her vibrating Scroll. She answered it and brought the device to her ear. "Hello?"

" _Everyone! We need backup immediately!_ " came Blake's voice through the speaker.

" _We are going to fucking die!_ " screamed Sun's voice.

Weiss unhooked Myrtenaster from her side and started running. "I swear," she grumbled as she pushed through the doors to the CCT, "you spend one afternoon on the phone and the entire team just falls apart without you."

 _In the disgusting alley_ :

Ruby gagged as she shook an unidentifiable liquid off her shoe. She shuddered and looked up at the night sky. She raised her eyebrows and turned back to the dumpster she had just crawled out of. "Did I really spend all day in the dumpster?" she asked herself.

 _Bzzt. Bzzzzt._

Ruby pulled her Scroll out of her pocket and answered it. "Yello?"

" _Ruby!_ " yelled Sun's voice. " _Torchwick's got a huge robot-_ "

" _Mecha!_ " interrupted Blake's voice.

" _Who cares?!_ " yelled Sun. " _It's big, it's chasing us, and Torchwick is inside it!"_

"That…sounds…AWESOME!" squealed Ruby. "I am _so_ there!"

" _Wait,_ " said Sun's voice. " _What the fuck do you mean, awes_ - _"_

Ruby hung up on Sun and put the Scroll back in her pocket. She hummed happily as she unhooked Crescent Rose from her back. As the giant scythe unfolded, Ruby skipped down the alley.

 _Outside of Junior's_ :

"So what do we do now?" asked Neptune, getting on the back of Yang's motorcycle.

Yang started the bike and said, "I guess we just head back to the dorm. I wonder how everyone else is doing?".

The both froze as they heard loud crashes and rumbles coming from behind them. They turned their heads just in time to see Sun and Blake run past them, a giant robot hot on their heels.

"A little help, please," called Blake as they ran past.

"I'm too buff to die!" sobbed Sun.

" _Stand still so I can get ya!_ " came Roman Torchwick's voice from the robot's speakers.

Yang and Neptune watched as the three dashed down the street and turned, disappearing from sight. "I'm thinking they aren't doing so well," observed Neptune.

"No shit," said Yang, her hands clasping the bike's grips. "Hold on!" The bike's engine roared as Yang took off after the three.

Blake and Sun jumped from the rooftop they had climbed up to the busy highway below. Cars honked and swerved as the two landed on the hoods of separate cars. They jumped forward, landing on car after car, hoping to get some distance.

The Paladin landed on the highway, cracking it, and dashed towards the two Faunus. It knocked cars out of the way in its pursuit, sending them crashing into the barriers of the road.

"Oh shit!" cursed Sun.

"Keep moving!" yelled Blake. The two of them moved from car to car as the Paladin chased after them. Torchwick, inside the Paladin and staring at the view screen in front of him, ground his teeth in frustration as the two got further away.

From behind the Paladin, Yang and Neptune raced onto the highway. "Dammit," cursed Yang as they got closer to the action, "I can't fire Ember Celica and drive at the same time." She looked at Neptune and asked, "Do you have anything to shoot."

Neptune grinned and pulled his goggles down from his hair. He placed them over his eyes and reached behind his back, pulling out a weapon.

A screen inside the Paladin suddenly beeped and appeared in front of Torchwick. It was a camera facing behind the mech, showing the motorcycle gaining on him. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," muttered Torchwick.

The Paladin surged forward into waves of cars, sending them flying back into Yang's path. She grit her teeth and swerved, dodging the thrown cars as they hit the highway. "Anytime you're ready, Neptune!" she yelled.

"On it!" yelled Neptune. He got a better grip on his weapon and flourished it, causing it to transform into a rifle with blue light attached to the barrel. He aimed the gun at the Paladin and squeezed the trigger, causing the blue light to shine. He let go of the trigger, causing a blue, electrified rocket to fire from the barrel. The rocket shot out and slammed into the Paladin, exploding and causing the mech to lurch. After several shots, Neptune flourished the weapon again, causing it to transform into a long, bladed pole-arm. Neptune leapt from the bike at the Paladin, the blade on his weapon splitting into three. He landed on the Paladin, sinking the trident into its back.

Yang drove up in her motorcycle and looked up at Neptune. "…Why didn't you just keep firing at it?" she asked. "It seemed like you were doing more damage."

"Well…yeah," admitted Neptune as he hung from the Paladin. "But you have to admit that was pretty cool."

Blake and Sun landed on two separate vehicles and stopped. "Is…is he still chasing us?" panted Sun.

Blake turned around and squinted, "Isn't that Yang and Neptune?" she asked, pointing at the Paladin.

"What?" asked Sun, spinning around. His eyes widened when he spotted Neptune dangling from the Paladin. "My boy's in trouble!" He clasped his hands together and shut his eyes. "Go Naruto-esque Semblance!"

Sun's hair glowed golden and his shirt started billowing backwards. There was a bright flash of light and two golden copies of Sun were standing at his side.

"Ok," said Sun as he opened his eyes. "Now we can…WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" he screamed at his copies, both of which were staring at Blake. One of them was making a heart with its hands, while the other was making aggressive motions with its pelvis. Sun growled and swung his foot, kicking one of the copies in the rear. "GET MOVING!" he yelled.

The two copies rushed forward, charging at the Paladin. They slammed into the mech's chassis, exploding on contact.

"That's it?" asked Blake. She stared at Sun. "That's all they do?"

"I swear this never happens to me," mumbled Sun. He pulled out his staff and jumped from the truck. The Paladin swung around quickly, causing Neptune to fly off of it. The two boys collided in midair and went sailing off the highway.

"Men," muttered Blake as she rolled her eyes. She turned and glared at the Paladin, which charged towards her.

Weiss suddenly flipped down from the overpass above, landing perfectly on the highway. She stabbed Myrtenaster into the ground, causing ice to form on the highway. The charging Paladin slipped and fell, tumbling off the side of the road.

The Paladin slammed into the concrete beneath the highway. Inside the mech, Torchwick grunted as he forced the machine to its feet. "Of course it had to be these fucking kids again," he muttered to himself. He sighed and said, "Oh well. At least I don't have to deal with-"

"Hey!" shouted an irritatingly-familiar voice.

Torchwick made the Paladin's cameras look down at the ground, where he spotted a familiar-looking cloak. "…Red," he growled. "You really think you can fight me all alone?"

Ruby grinned up at the Paladin. "Nope," she answered. Weiss, Blake, and Yang landed beside her, weapons at the ready. "That's why they're here."

" _Well perfect,_ " came the voice from the speakers. " _Now you can all die together._ " The Paladin stomped towards them, its arms raised.

"Team RWBY!" yelled Ruby. "Time for Operation: Shipping! First up, Freezerburn!"

Blake and Ruby jumped out of the way, leaving only Weiss and Yang to face the Paladin. The two girls looked at each other.

"Ready?" asked Yang, cocking her gauntlets.

"Do you think you can handle me?" asked Weiss, her rapier poised to strike.

Yang smirked and sauntered towards Weiss. She embraced the heiress, her chest touching Weiss's own. "Show me what you got," said Yang, smirking. She reached one of her hands up and brushed a stray lock of hair out of Weiss's face.

Torchwick blinked inside the Paladin. "…What is happening right now?" he asked.

Weiss suddenly stabbed the ground with her rapier, sending a layer of ice over the concrete. Yang, not breaking her embrace with Weiss, fired into the ground. A cloud of steam rose up, completely covering everything.

As Torchwick swung the cameras around, he could have sworn he heard what sounded like a noisy smooch, followed by a slap.

Growling, Torchwick slammed a button on the console in front of him. The Paladin's turrets activated, their laser sights scanning the battlefield for the four girls. Something dashed through the fog on the right. Torchwick turned and fired, but the girl was already gone. He saw a flash of yellow and fired again, this time blasting Yang backwards.

There was an angry yell and Ruby came charging out of the fog, her scythe ready. She slammed into the Paladin, knocking it off-balance. "Checkmate!" she called out, before disappearing again.

Blake and Weiss dashed forwards, using their blades to slash and stab the Paladin. Blake used her Semblance to attack from various points, using her clones to dash from one side of the Paladin to the other. While Blake distracted the mech, Weiss jumped up and stabbed its front-facing turrets, causing them to malfunction. She flipped away using her glyphs. The Paladin lifted its leg, preparing to stomp Blake. Weiss landed on the ground and formed another glyph underneath Blake, pulling her back into Weiss's arms.

"You know, Blake," said Weiss, wrapping her arms around her teammate, "I wasn't sure about you being a Faunus at first." She leaned in close to Blake's uncovered cat ears and whispered. "It's growing on me…" She leaned in and nibbled on one of the ears.

Blake blushed and started purring at Weiss's gentle attention.

" _I…you…WHAT?!_ " spluttered Torchwick from inside the Paladin. " _Take this seriously, dammit!"_ The Paladin's shoulders were uncovered, revealing missile launchers. Rockets fired from the launchers at Weiss and Blake, forcing the two to use one of Weiss's glyphs to get away. Torchwick fired from the mech's arm cannons, blasting Weiss backwards. As she soared through the air, Weiss fired a beam of golden dust from her rapier, striking the ground underneath Blake.

Blake suddenly seemed to blur as she sped forward to slash and slice the missiles, causing them to explode before they ever touched her.

"God, that seemed a little overpowered," said Weiss. She slammed into the ground, grunting in pain.

As Yang rushed forward to carry Weiss out of the line of fire, Ruby ran towards Blake, yelling, "Ladybug!" She fired backwards, using the momentum to dash underneath the Paladin. She landed on the other side and repeated the attack, dashing back to the other side. Blake dashed past her, rushing in the opposite direction. The two girls continued rushing back and forward, slicing at the Paladin's legs. The mech suddenly turned and fired at Ruby, who used her speed to jump back towards Blake. The two girls jumped towards the Paladin, using their speed to slice off one of its arms.

Blake quickly grabbed Ruby, moving her out of the way of the arm. "That was close," she muttered. She looked down at the girl she was slightly dipping and smiled. "Looks like your plan is working, Red Leader. I'm impressed."

Ruby smiled and wrapped her arms around Blake's neck. "Flattery will get you _everywhere_ , Miss Kitty," she said, giving Blake a wink.

" _WOULD YOU STOP IT?!_ " screamed Torchwick, turning to face them. Distracted, he failed to notice Yang as she leapt up on top of the Paladin. She began punching and firing at the mech, causing it to smoke and spark. Suddenly, it leapt backwards, slamming Yang through a few of the supports for the highway. Dazed, Yang dropped to the ground. As she was falling, Torchwick reared back and punched her through one last support, causing her to slam into the concrete ground.

"Don't worry," said Ruby to Blake, "Yang can use the damage she takes to get stronger. That's her Semblance!"

Blake stared down at Ruby. "…Yeah, Ruby, I know. I've known what her Semblance is for a couple of months now, remember? I _am_ her partner."

"…Oh," said Ruby. "My bad."

Yang pulled herself up from the crater she created. Her hair was blazing gold as she leveled a red-eyed glare at the Paladin. The damaged mech threw another punch with its remaining arm. Yang reached out and caught the arm with her hands. With a roar, she tore the arm from its metal socket and bashed the Paladin with it. The mech stumbled before kicking Yang away from it.

"Bumblebee!" shouted Ruby as Yang sailed past.

Blake threw Gambol Shroud's blade at Yang, who caught it in her hand. Blake pulled on the weapon, making the ribbon taut. Yang corrected her position in the air and landed on her feet. She fired into the ground, making her speed to the right. With her momentum and the ribbon in her hands, Yang flew in a circular motion and smashed into the Paladin. The damaged machine moved away from Yang as she spun faster and faster.

"We need to slow it down!" shouted Ruby. "White Rose!"

"Fine," said Weiss. She held out her arms. "Come here."

Ruby dashed into Weiss's arms and snuggled against her chest. "Best move ever, huh BFF?" she asked happily.

Weiss rolled her eyes, but smiled at the girl in her embrace. "Dunce," she muttered. She leaned down and kissed Ruby's forehead. The two of them held out their weapons as Weiss's glyphs formed in front of them. Ruby fired, causing a beam of blue Dust to fire into the Paladin. Ice formed on the Paladin's legs, freezing it into place.

Blake swung her ribbon, sending Yang towards the Paladin. Yang fired twice against the ground, speeding towards the mech in a streak of fire. She punched with all her might, melting the metal of the Paladin before sending it flying backwards. It smashed against the ground, breaking into pieces. Roman Torchwick grunted as he slid across the concrete, before coming to stop among the pieces of his robotic ride.

Blake smiled as she strode towards Yang, who's hair was still glowing. She reached out her hand and slapped Yang's rear. "Good work, Xiao Long."

Yang turned back and grinned at Blake, her burning eyes sparking with mischief. "Don't tease me like this, Bellabooty. I'm all riled up already. Who knows what I'd do to you?"

"Promises, promises," said Blake, smirking.

"I'M STILL HERE FOR GOD'S SAKE!" screamed Torchwick as he stood up. "WHAT THE FUCK IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU KIDS?!"

"Oh good," said Yang, grinning madly. "A _target_." She fired her gauntlets at Torchwick, sending a blast of fire towards him.

Just as the blast was about to hit, something white, pink, and brown dropped to the ground in front of Torchwick, shielding him. When the fire faded, the girl from the rally lifted her pink parasol against her shoulder and smiled at Yang. She winked at Yang and gave an exaggerated yawn.

"Neo, you're beautiful," said Torchwick gleefully. "Let's get the hell out of here, huh?"

Neo nodded at Torchwick and turned to face Team RWBY. She bowed towards the team before blowing an extremely loud kiss at them.

Yang roared and rushed forward, punching the girl in the mouth…or so she thought. The second her fist made contact with the girl's face, she and Torchwick seemed to shatter like glass. Yang looked around in confusion before hearing the roar of a Bullhead. She looked up and saw Torchwick and Neo waving at her from a fleeing aircraft.

"Well shit," muttered Yang, her hair and eyes going back to normal. "That was new."

"Oh well," said Ruby. "A least we broke his robot, right?"

"Mecha," corrected Blake.

"Right," agreed Ruby. "And we got to try out Operation: Shipping! Aside from Enabler, that is."

"Fine by me," said Yang with a shudder. "It feels weird when your hands are all over my-"

"And we didn't try out Pollination either," continued Ruby.

"Well, that just makes sense," said Weiss. "I'd like to keep my clothes on during a battle, thank you very much."

"And where would we even find a bed big enough for all of us around here?" questioned Blake.

"…Say…" said Yang, thinking of something. "Jaune was the one who suggested Operation: Shipping, right?"

Ruby nodded. "Yep. He said it'd be good for teamwork and that it would distract the enemy!"

"You don't think he had any _other_ reason for suggesting that we all get flirty with each other, right?" asked Yang.

Ruby scoffed. "What? No! It makes perfect tactical sense! Now, come on team! We're finding a bed and practicing Pollination right now!" She walked off, gesturing for the rest of Team RWBY to follow her.

Weiss sighed and pulled out her Scroll. "Finding the nearest four-star hotel now…"

As Ruby and Weiss walked off, Yang walked over to Blake, who was frowning. "Something on your mind, butt buddy?"

"I don't know," admitted Blake. "I just feel like we're forgetting something."

 _Meanwhile_ :

Sun looked up from his ramen and looked around the noodle stand. "Dude," he said, slurping his noodles, "Do you ever feel like you're missing something awesome?"

"Yeah, I do," said Neptune seriously. He grinned and held up his empty bowl. "I'm missing another bowl of ramen!"

"My boy!" yelled Sun happily, raising his own empty bowl. "Chef! We need more noodles over here!"

The blond-haired man with whisker-like marks on his face grinned and grabbed two bowls. "More ramen coming up! Believe it!"

* * *

 **When questioned about his role in creating Operation: Shipping, Jaune Arc denied any ulterior motives for the controversial strategy. It's designed to throw off enemies, he claimed. To prove it, he requested video proof of the fight with Torchwick and some time alone in his room so he could study it.**

 **It's been four hours. We fear for Jaune's health.**


	22. Party Plans and Plots

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 22: Party Plans and Plots**

Pyrrha dashed forward and slashed with Miló, scraping it against Cardin's stomach. Cardin quickly stepped back and swung out with his mace, preventing Pyrrha from following up with a cut to his neck. Cardin quickly threw himself backwards, while Dove Bronzewing ran forward, hoping to hit Pyrrha from behind with his sword. Pyrrha spun around with her shield, Akoúo̱, and deflected his blow. She stabbed forward with her blade, forcing Dove to parry her attacks. As their blades clashed, Russel Thrush appeared at Pyrrha's side, his daggers aimed for her stomach. Pyrrha quickly moved forward, causing Russel to miss and stumble. He regained his balance and spun around, daggers at the ready. He, Dove, and Pyrrha were motionless, each waiting for someone to make a move.

The other students sat in the stands on the edges of the room, looking down at the combat arena. The screen at the front of the room, overlooking the arena, listed everyone's aura levels and pictures. Team CRDL's levels ranged from orange to yellow-green, while Pyrrha, who had been untouched during the match, still had a bar of vibrant green.

"Go Pyrrha!" cheered Ruby, bouncing in her seat. "Kick their butts!"

"And break their legs!" called Nora, who was waving a Team JNPR flag.

On Nora's opposite side, Ren gave her a disappointed look. "Nora, this is only a combat class." He pointed to the side of the arena, were Professor Goodwitch was observing the combatants. "Professor Goodwitch will stop the fight before that can happen."

Nora turned to Ren, a forlorn expression on her face. "N-no leg breaking?" she asked, sniffling.

Ren patted her head gently. "Don't be like that. Training accidents are pretty common, after all. There's always a chance that Pyrrha could accidently disembowel one of them."

"WHOO!" cheered Nora. She turned back to the fight and yelled, "Go for their bellies, Pyrrha!"

On the row below, Weiss was watching the fight with a frown on her face. "Doesn't this seem a little unfair?" she asked. "It's four-on-one."

"I know," said Yang, smiling happily. She watched as Russel was launched into one of the arenas walls. "They should have brought more guys."

Pyrrha broke away from Dove and charged at Cardin, Miló transforming into its javelin form. She stuck Akoúo̱ on her back and slashed at Cardin, allowing her blade to glance off of his mace's handle. Cardin roared as he lifted the mace behind his head in an attempt to smash Pyrrha, but she quickly kicked him in the gut, winding him. Cardin wheezed and doubled over, allowing Pyrrha to follow up with a bash to his back, sending him face-first into the floor.

Cardin growled and pulled himself to his knees. He glared at Pyrrha before directing it to the side of the arena. "Sky! A little help, please?!"

Sky Lark was shaking at the side of the arena, his halberd quivering in his unsteady grip. "Me? Against _her_?" he questioned, pointing at Pyrrha. "What are you, nuts?"

Cardin rolled his eyes and yelled, "Stop being such a little pus-"

"Above you!" hollered Sky, pointing up.

Not bothering to look, Cardin rolled out of the way just as Pyrrha dropped to the ground, stabbing the space were Cardin was kneeling. She tore the javelin from the floor and threw it at Cardin. Cardin's eyes widened, but Dove ran forward, using his sword to deflect Miló. As the red and gold weapon clattered to the floor, Pyrrha swung with her leg and swept Dove off his feet.

As the boy crashed to the floor, Pyrrha rose back to her feet. She heard a whooshing noise and, without looking, reached out and plucked Sky's halberd from the air. With the weapon in her grasp, she turned to stare at the boy, who was watching wide-eyed, still in a throwing stance.

Sky quickly scrambled back to a normal standing position and said, "Uh…whoops?"

Pyrrha pointed the halberd's blade at him, the tip glinting in the light.

Sky's eyes went, if possible, wider. "Oh shit." He turned and ran, muttering "Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit…"

Pyrrha smiled and turned the weapon around so the blunt end was pointed at the retreating boy. She threw the halberd, sending it whistling after Sky. It struck the back of his head and he fell to the ground, motionless.

"Sky Lark has been eliminated," said Professor Goodwitch, making a note on her Scroll.

Cardin tightened his grip on his mace and glared at Pyrrha. "So you beat Sky," he called. "Big deal. Even Jaune could do that."

Pyrrha turned and gave him a smirk. "Forgive me if I'm wrong, Cardin," she said innocently, as she picked up Miló and transformed it back into its blade form, "But didn't Jaune beat _you_ the last time the two of you sparred?"

Cardin growled and ran forward, the Dust crystal in his mace blazing red. Pyrrha rolled out of the way as he slammed the weapon into the ground. Fire shot out of the crystal, causing an explosion that cracked the floor. Pyrrha grabbed her shield from her back and raised it as Cardin swung the mace at her. It struck the golden shield, the sheer force of the blow pushing Pyrrha back. Pyrrha rolled backwards as Cardin swung again. Pyrrha ran forward, jumping over and rolling across Cardin's broad back as the heavy mace threw him off balance. Once she was back on the ground, she threw Akoúo̱ at Cardin. The shield bounced off of Cardin's face and sent him flopping to the ground. Pyrrha grabbed her shield and put it back on her arm.

"Wow!" said Ruby. "Pyrrha's like Captain America!"

"What the hell is 'America'?" asked Yang, looking back at Ruby.

Ruby frowned. "I…I don't know…"

Dove got back to his feet and looked down at Cardin, who was clutching his nose. "Hey Cardin?" he asked.

Cardin uncovered his swollen, red nose and looked up at Dove with watery eyes. "What?"

Dove pointed a finger at Pyrrha and said, "I think Nikos is playing to win."

"You think?" asked Cardin, getting up and sniffing loudly. "Where the hell is Russel?"

"Present," answered the other boy, brushing pieces of wall out of his mohawk. He gestured towards Sky's fallen form and asked, "What happened to him?"

"The usual," answered Cardin and Dove.

"Taken out humiliatingly?" asked Russel. He nodded. "Sounds about right for him."

"Yeah," laughed Dove. "Hey, remember that time he-"

There was a whistle and all three boys looked over at Pyrrha, who was in a combat stance. "Boys," she called, "Are we fighting or not?"

The three conscious members of Team CRDL grabbed their weapons and faced Pyrrha. Dove and Russel moved forward, while Cardin was standing further behind them. "What's the plan?" asked Russel.

"Ok, you two charge her-" began Cardin.

"I hate this plan," interrupted Dove and Russel.

"While I run up and smash her with my mace," finished Cardin.

"Ok," said Russel, lowering his daggers and turning to face Cardin. "That's obviously not going to work. How about we try and come up with a new-"

"RUSSEL WATCH OUT!" shouted Dove.

"What?" asked Russel, turning back to look at Dove…or he would have, had Pyrrha not been directly in front of him. She slammed into him with her shield, knocking him backwards. She turned and parried Dove's strikes. The two exchanged blows for a moment, each of their strikes hitting the other's weapon. Pyrrha quickly stepped backwards as Dove swung his sword, making him stumble. While he was recovering, she kicked him in the jaw and sent him flying backwards. As Dove recovered in mid-air, Cardin jumped towards Pyrrha and slammed his mace down towards her. Pyrrha simply jumped backwards and avoided the blow.

"What?!" yelled Cardin, his mace stuck in the ground. "How did you know that's what I was going to do?"

Pyrrha stared at him and replied, "…You do realize I could hear every word you guys were saying, right?"

Cardin opened his mouth to retort, and then paused. "Oh…right…"

Pyrrha immediately transformed Miló into its rifle form and started firing at Cardin. Russel quickly dove in front of him, blocking the shots with his daggers. Once the shots stopped, Russel ran forward and dove towards Pyrrha, spinning in the air. In response, Pyrrha just raised Akoúo̱ and watched as Russel bounced harmlessly off it with a clang. Russel landed back on his feet and charged forward, scraping his daggers against the gold shield. He spotted Dove running forward and pressed the attack against Pyrrha. Dove started attacking Pyrrha at the same time, forcing her to block with both Akoúo̱ and Miló. The two boys worked in tandem, expertly moving and attacking in order to keep Pyrrha off her guard. It probably would have been impressive, had Pyrrha not deflected or blocked every single blow without moving an inch.

Suddenly, the two backed off and jumped away. Pyrrha frowned and quickly turned, spotting Cardin run straight at her. She rolled underneath his swing and got back up, changing Miló back into a rifle. She fired at the armored boy, but Cardin spun his mace in his hands, blocking the shots. He ran forward to swing at Pyrrha again, but got an armor-plated knee to the jaw for his trouble. Cardin staggered back and swung his mace desperately, but Pyrrha raised her leg again to kick him in the face, sending him stumbling backwards.

Cardin clutched his face and hissed out, "Ok…please _stop_ kicking me."

Pyrrha nodded and raised her shield. "Got it."

Cardin's eyes widened, "W-wait-" He was cut off when the cool metal of Akoúo̱ smashed into his nose, sending him to the floor again.

Russel jumped over Cardin with a yell and started wildly swinging at Pyrrha, who dodged the attacks. She placed Miló against the back of her neck, transforming it back into a javelin. Russel threw one of his daggers at Pyrrha, who moved aside and let it harmlessly sail past her. She threw her shield into Russel's face and swung out with the javelin, knocking him to the ground. She dropped her heel onto his stomach, making him wheeze and curl into a ball.

"Russel Thrush has been eliminated," said Professor Goodwitch from the sidelines.

Dove ran forward, but quickly blocked Pyrrha's stabs with the javelin. He leapt backwards and put his finger on the trigger of the revolver-like hilt of his sword. Pyrrha snatched her shield out of the air and brought it down in time to block the bullets. She rolled forward and swiped at Dove, who twirled and leapt away from the attacks, landing a safe distance away.

Pyrrha lowed Miló and stared at Dove in awe. "Wow…where did _that_ come from?"

Dove blushed and scratched his neck. "…My mom made me take ballet classes when I was a kid. I…I actually coach kids in Vale on the weekends."

Pyrrha smiled at him and said, "You should thank your mother. That was really impressive."

Dove smiled back. "Thanks. It feels good to finally tell someone about-"

"Are we fighting, or not?" asked Cardin, getting back to his feet. He walked over and stood in front of Dove and held out his mace. "Let's finish this already."

Dove and Pyrrha nodded and got back into combat stances. "Ok," whispered Cardin to Dove. He eyed Pyrrha wearily, "There's two of us and one of her. If we rush her, we should be able to beat her. All we have to do is keep cool."

"Got it," replied Dove.

"Are you two ready?" asked Pyrrha, a smirk on her face. "Are we fighting or not?"

Cardin roared with anger and threw back his arm, smacking Dove in the chest with his mace. Dove wheezed and hit the floor.

"Dove Bronzewing has been eliminated," droned Professor Goodwitch. She raised a hand and covered her mouth as she yawned.

Cardin looked back and winced when he saw Dove on the ground. "Ah…oops…" he muttered. "That's my bad."

"I'll say," said a familiar voice in his ear.

Cardin's eyes went wide as he spun around to see Pyrrha right behind him. He roared and swung his mace, grinning wildly as he heard it hit flesh. The grin quickly disappeared when he noticed that Pyrrha had the mace's weighted end in her grasp, holding it tight. She pulled her arm back, tearing the mace out of the stunned boy's grasp. She threw it to the floor behind her, leaving Cardin defenseless.

Cardin gulped as he saw the satisfied look in Pyrrha's eyes. "L-look Nikos," he stammered out, "Jaune already forgave me for bullying him…and I haven't bullied a single student since! Honest!"

Pyrrha gently laid her hand on his shoulder. "I believe you, Cardin," she soothed. "Jaune is very forgiving and I genuinely believe that you're trying to be a better person. However," her grip suddenly tightened, crushing the metal of Cardin's pauldrons beneath her fingers, "a reminder every now and again shouldn't hurt, should it?"

She grabbed Cardin's sides and lifted him off the ground. She bent backwards, smashing Cardin's head into the floor. She let go of Cardin and pulled herself back up. As she turned, she dusted off her hands and smiled at Cardin's motionless body. "And, for the record, I forgive you too."

"…Yay…" groaned Cardin, his voice muffled.

"And that's Cardin Winchester eliminated," said Professor Goodwitch as she stepped forward. "The winner is, of course, Pyrrha Nikos." She sighed and gave Pyrrha a disappointed look. "Honestly, Miss Nikos, I know you won but could you at least _try_ to make it a closer match?"

Pyrrha bowed her head towards the professor. "Sorry, Miss Goodwitch. I'll do better next time."

"I hope so," said Goodwitch. "I mean; my loins are hardly excited at all. I'll never get satisfied at this rate."

Pyrrha blushed and took a step back from Goodwitch. "Uh…sure. Whatever you say, Professor."

Goodwitch checked the time on her Scroll and looked up into the stands. "Alright, I realize that Miss Nikos puts each and every one of you to shame, but we have time for one more match. Any volunteers?"

"I wonder who she's going to pick?" asked Ruby.

"Ah, who cares," muttered Nora. "Pyrrha didn't even decapitate any of those guys."

Ren patted her shoulder comfortingly and said, "There's always next time."

"If someone doesn't volunteer soon, Goodwitch is just going to pick someone," said Yang as she peered at the students in the stands across from them. "Sucks for them, huh Blake?" She turned her head towards Blake and frowned. Blake had her eyes closed and was breathing softly. "Blake?" repeated Yang, poking her snoozing partner in the side. "Blake. BLAKE!"

"Miss Belladonna!" called Goodwitch. As Blake jumped and looked around wildly, Goodwitch looked to Yang and said, "Good suggestion, Miss Xiao-Long."

Blake turned and glared at Yang, who smiled and shrugged apologetically. She turned back to Goodwitch and said, "Yeah…I'm not really feeling up to it today…so…"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" said Goodwitch. "Perhaps another day then? And maybe I can tell criminals to stop hurting people for a bit? Or to tell the Grimm to hold off on eating random villagers? Or how about I tell that girl on life support in the basement to stop dying? Would that work for you?"

Everyone stared at her in shock. "Um…what was that last one again?" asked Weiss.

"Never mind," said Goodwitch quickly. She looked at Blake and said, "The point is, real life isn't going to be nice to you. There are times where you will have to act regardless of if you feel up to it or not." She sighed and continued, "Fine, whatever. Anybody else want to volunteer?"

"Yeah sure," said a voice. Everybody looked behind Ruby, where Mercury was slouching in his seat next to Emerald. He stood up and cracked his neck. "Ready for action, Teach."

Goodwitch looked up at him, "Ah, Mister Black. Excellent. Let's find you an opponent…unless you have someone already in mind?"

"I do, actually," said Mercury. He pointed down at Pyrrha and said, "I want to go against the champ, if that's alright."

"Miss Nikos has just finished a match against four people," said Goodwitch. "Why don't we get you an opponent that hasn't gone yet?"

"It's fine," said Pyrrha. "I can go another round, Miss Goodwitch."

"Yeah," said Mercury. "Think of your loins, Teach."

"I always do," replied Goodwitch. "Still, we should really discuss this with Miss Nikos's team leader." She scanned the crowd and saw a familiar-looking blond. "Mister Arc?"

Jaune was sitting behind Weiss and staring at the back of her head with a dreamy look on his face. Weiss felt a cold shiver down her spine as she felt Jaune's eyes on her, but didn't bother to turn around and acknowledge his presence.

"Mister Arc!" yelled Goodwitch.

Nora reached over and smacked the back of Jaune's head. He jumped and looked around frantically. "What?! What's happening?!"

Goodwitch gestured at Mercury and said, "This young man wants to spar against your partner, Miss Nikos."

Jaune looked over at Mercury and then down at Pyrrha. "Do you not want to fight this guy?"

Pyrrha shook her head and said, "No, I'm fine with it."

Jaune looked back at Goodwitch, shooting her a confused look. "She's fine with it. What's the problem?"

"Miss Nikos has just completed a match against Team CRDL," explained Goodwitch. "It would be best if someone else fought instead."

Jaune looked over at Pyrrha. "Do you feel tired?" he asked.

"No," answered Pyrrha. "It was actually very easy to beat Team CRDL. Embarrassingly so." She pointedly ignored Cardin's pained groan from the crater he was laying in.

"She says she's not tired," said Jaune to Goodwitch. He gestured to Mercury and said, "She should be fine to beat this guy."

Mercury glared at Jaune. "Hey, pal?" he asked. "You haven't even seen me fight before. What makes you so sure I'd lose?"

Jaune looked over at the other teen, an amused grin on his face. "Because," he said, pointing at Pyrrha, "I've seen _her_ fight."

Professor Goodwitch shrugged and said, "Fine. I suppose if everyone is in agreement, Miss Nikos can spar against Mister Black. Please take your positions and, for god's sake, can someone please take Team CRDL to the infirmary?"

"Please?" wheezed Dove from his position on the floor, a mace-sized dent in his armor. On the other side of the arena, Cardin gurgled feebly.

A few minutes later the arena was CRDL free and ready for another battle. Pyrrha gripped Akoúo̱ and Miló as she watched Mercury stroll over to the opposite side of the arena.

Mercury cracked his neck and grinned at Pyrrha. "You ready for this, Champ?" he asked cockily.

"Ready," Pyrrha replied. She gave him a smile and said, "You can call me Pyrrha, by the way. You don't have to keep calling me 'Champ'."

"Yeah, sure thing Champ," said Mercury. "Whatever you say." He looked over at Professor Goodwitch and asked, "So are we doing this thing or not, Teach?"

Goodwitch opened her scroll and looked at the two fighters' Aura levels. "The match will begin in 3…2…1…BEGIN!"

Mercury rushed forward and kicked at Pyrrha. His leg connected with Akoúo̱ with an audible clang. Pyrhha pushed forward with the shield and swung out with Miló's blade form, forcing Mercury to jump away. Mercury rushed back up to Pyrrha, using his kicks to batter Pyrrha's shield. With a yell, he kicked the edge of Akoúo̱, tearing it from Pyrrha's grip. It flew to the other side of the arena, where it clattered against the floor.

Smirking, Mercury spun around and swung his leg in an attempt to kick Pyrrha's face. Pyrrha frowned and waved her hand slightly. A black glow surrounded Mercury's leg. An invisible force pulled his leg too far to the right, making him miss Pyrrha completely. Mercury frowned as the black glow suddenly disappeared and brought his foot back to the floor.

"I give," he said suddenly.

"What?" asked Pyrrha.

"What?" asked Jaune from the stands.

"WHAT?!" screamed Professor Goodwitch.

In the stands, Emerald facepalmed and muttered, "Oh for God's sake…"

"You don't even want to try and fight?" asked Pyrrha. "I don't even have my shield anymore. You might be able to beat me."

Mercury laughed, "Come on, Champ! Me, an average guy, beat _you_? Come on, you're out of _everyone's_ league! No one could ever get close enough to your level to even _touch_ you."

"Um…right…" said Pyrrha slowly.

Mercury grinned and turned to see Professor Goodwitch marching towards them. "How are your loins now, Teach?"

"Dry and unsatisfied, Mr. Black," answered Goodwitch. She narrowed her eyes and Mercury. "Next time you should think a little more carefully about who you want to fight. You know, before you waste everybody's time… _again._ "

Mercury yawned and walked away, lazily raising his hand into the air. "Yeah, yeah…you got it, Teach."

"It's _Professor_ _Goodwitch_ , Mr. Black," Goodwitch practically hissed.

"Whatever," muttered Mercury. He pushed open the doors to the arena and strolled out.

Ruby watched Mercury leave from up in the stands. She turned to look at Emerald and said, "Your teammate seems a little…uh…"

"Douchey?" suggested Emerald.

"Unmotivated," finished Ruby.

"He's just like that," said Emerald. "He just wants attention because he's unloved and comes from a broken home. Don't give it to him." She paused. "…In fact, it's probably best if you just don't acknowledge him. At all. Pretend he doesn't exist. God knows I try."

"Does that actually help?" asked Ruby.

Emerald shook her head. "No, but I'll be damned before I admit it to him."

The was a beep on the intercom. Professor Goodwitch checked the time on her scroll and said, "Class is dismissed. Remember that the school dance is this weekend, and that your first missions as Huntsmen will be assigned on Monday. Have a good day." She looked up to where Team RWBY was sitting. "Miss Schnee? I want to speak with you for a minute."

"Ooh…" Yang said, a grin on her face. "Somebody's in _trouble_ …"

"Shut up," said Weiss as she and the rest of the students got to their feet. "Why don't you make yourself useful and wake Blake up?" She pointed to Blake, who had slumped forward, her face in her book.

Yang rolled her eyes at Weiss's back as she walked down to the arena. She turned to Blake and gently shook her. "Blaaaakey," she said soothingly. "Time to wake up."

Blake mumbled incoherently and tried to wave Yang off.

Yang put her finger in her mouth and wet it with her tongue. She pulled her drool-covered finger out and grinned before shoving it in Blake's ear.

Blake yowled and shot up, her eyes wide and alert. She touched her ear and grimaced. "A wet willy?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at Yang. "What are you, four?"

Yang shrugged. "It got you up, didn't it?" she asked, unapologetically. She latched onto Blake and said, "Let's head back to the room."

"What about Weiss?" asked Ruby, standing up with them. She pointed down to the arena, where Weiss was chatting with Professor Goodwitch. "Shouldn't we wait?"

"She can catch up," said Yang, as she led Blake down the stands. "Besides, she's probably talking about something lame like grades or studying. Nothing that _we_ would be interested in."

"If you say so," said Ruby.

The three girls left the combat arena and walked out into the courtyard, where other students were lazing around. Ruby looked around at the unfamiliar faces and said, "I've never seen some of these people before."

"They're probably from the other academies," said Yang. "It's getting close to the Vytal Festival, after all."

"Wot do you mean, 'we're not supposed to be here yet'?" asked a very British-sounding voice.

The girls turned and spotted Sun and Neptune talking with two unfamiliar-looking boys. One was tall and dark, with an open shirt exposing his muscular body. His yellow eyes were locked onto Sun, but he had a neutral expression on his face, giving off an air of calmness.

The same could not be said for his companion, who was gesturing wildly as he spoke to Sun. He was lanky and his red hair draped over one of his eyes. A red jacket draped over his shoulder and the sword and pistol at his hips jangled as he pointed at the papers in Sun's hands.

"Listen to what I am saying, ok?" asked Sun. "Your stupid contract says that you two aren't supposed to be here until Volume Three. Don't yell at me or Neptune just because you can't fucking read."

"You must be having a laugh!" said the red-haired boy. "How come you two lads are here, then?"

"Well, I'm _me_ , obviously," said Sun. "Of course they were going to have me be here early. And Neptune…just sort of showed up, really. I'm not sure why he showed up early."

"Hey!" said Neptune. "I contributed to that fight with Torchwick!"

"Barely," countered Sun. He turned back to the other two boys and said, "Look, just hang around until the tournament starts, alright? Then I'm sure you two will have plenty of screen time."

The redheaded boy opened his mouth to argue, only for the other boy to put his hand on his shoulder. The green-haired boy nodded at Sun and said, "Fine."

"Great!" said Sun. He turned and saw Team RBY and smiled. "Hey guys! Where's Weiss?"

"Inside, talking to Goodwitch about nerd stuff," said Yang.

"Gross," said Sun. He turned to Blake and smiled, "Hey Blake, do you have a minute to talk?"

Blake sighed. "Fine," she said reluctantly.

"Cool!" said Sun. "So…uh…how are you holding up?"

"Alright…I guess," Blake answered. She sighed and said, "Torchwick's still out there with the White Fang, though. We need to find him. We need to stop-"

"Yeah, no, that's great and all," interrupted Sun, "But I hear that there's a dance going on this weekend and I sort of figured that…well..." He smiled hopefully. "You and me? Together?"

Blake blinked slowly. "…What?"

Sun took a deep breath and said, "I'm saying that…you're an amazing girl and I'd really like to take you to the dance. You know…as a date? If you want to, that is." He paused for a second. "So…?"

Blake let out an irritated sigh. "Sun," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. "There is a murdering criminal working with the White Fang, a _terrorist organization_ , to rally Faunus to attack Vale. We… _I_ don't have time to go to some stupid dance and pretend that nothing is wrong. I _have_ to stop Torchwick and the White Fang before they hurt anyone else." She turned to walk away, but paused to look back at Sun. "If you can't understand that, then just stay out of my way. I don't need you to waste my time."

Blake stormed off, leaving Sun to stare after her with a heartbroken look on his face.

"Ha!" laughed the redheaded boy. " _Rejected_!"

Sun glared at him. "And do _you_ have a date for the dance, asshole?"

The other boy winced. "Ah…well…touché, then."

Ruby walked forward and patted Sun on the arm. "Don't worry, Sun," she said comfortingly, "We'll talk to Blake."

"Yeah," said Yang, frowning as she watched Blake enter the dorms, "I'm worried about her. She's wearing herself out about this Torchwick thing." She turned and clapped Sun's back. "Don't worry, Hunky Monkey. We'll get Weiss and slap some sense into that Bellabooty."

Sun smiled at the two girls, cheering up slightly. "Thanks guys. You really think you can get through to her?"

"Psshaw!" scoffed Ruby, waving her hand. "We're her friends! There's no way she won't listen to us!"

 _Later that night_ :

"I am _not_ listening to this!" yelled Blake. She glared at Ruby, who was sitting with Weiss on the bottom bunk bed against the wall. "What is so important about a stupid dance, anyway?"

"It's not just about the dance," said Ruby. "It's about _you_!"

Blake felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to look at Yang. "We're worried about you," explained Yang. "You're obsessed with this investigation."

Blake shoved Yang's hand off and huffed, "I am not."

Weiss held up three fingers and listed, "You can't sleep, you barely eat, and…to be honest…" she sniffed the air and grimaced, "…It smells like you haven't showered in days."

"Who cares about how I smell?!" asked Blake. "People's lives are at stake!"

"We know," said Yang. "All of us are trying to figure out what Torchwick is doing."

"Thanks to you and Sun, we know that they are operating outside of southeast Vale," said Ruby.

"And the Schnee Company records listed that Vale has had more Dust robberies within the past few months than any other kingdom combined," Weiss interjected.

"And that they have their hands on stolen military tech," added Yang.

Blake sighed and rubbed the bags under her eyes. "But we still don't know how or when they will attack Vale."

"How are you supposed to find the answers if you can't even stay awake in class?" asked Ruby. "It wasn't even a boring class like History! It was Combat Practice! Where the weapons are!" She sighed wistfully. "Beautiful weapons…"

"Ruby, shush," said Yang. She turned to Blake and said, "All we want is for you to take a break. This is going to kill you if you keep obsessing over it."

"Just relax and have fun for _one_ night," pleaded Ruby.

"Then we will all buckle down and figure out what Torchwick and the White Fang are up to," Weiss finished.

"Take a break?" repeated Blake. "Relax and have fun? How are you guys still not _getting_ this?!" She stood up from the bed and glared at the other three girls. "I'm going to the library. If you actually want to do something _useful_ , you'll scan the news for any clues." She turned and left the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

The other three girls sighed. "Now what do we do?" asked Yang.

"We wait," said Weiss assuredly. "Any second now, she'll realize we were right and come back to our-"

There was a knock on the door.

"…That was fast," said Ruby.

Weiss stood up and walked over to the door. She pulled it open and froze as the sound of acoustic guitar assaulted her ears.

Jaune grinned as he strummed the guitar strapped over his shoulder. As he played he sang, " _Don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me. I said you're holding back, so come to the dance with me!_ " He strummed wildly, falling to his knees as he played a riff that was admittedly tasty. He panted as he stopped and looked up at Weiss expectantly. "Well?"

Weiss blinked. "No," she said immediately, shutting the door on Jaune.

Jaune stayed on his knees as he stared at the door in front of him. "…Maybe an original song would go over better," he mumbled to himself. He stood up and set the guitar against the wall. He reached into his hoodie and pulled out a notepad and pen. "Let's see…"

Back in the room, Yang grinned at a red-faced Weiss. "Well…that happened."

Weiss facepalmed and said, "Let's pretend that it didn't and let's get back to what matters." She uncovered her face and said, "We need to convince Blake that she needs to relax. We'll each take some time as we organize the dance to try and talk to her."

"Wait…'organize the dance'?" repeated Ruby.

"That's what Professor Goodwitch wanted to speak with me about," explained Weiss. "Velvet's team is still away on their mission, so Professor Goodwitch asked me to set up the dance."

"But you said 'we'," Yang observed.

"Right…" said Weiss slowly. "…Look, I know that I'm not exactly an expert on having fun." She turned to look at Yang. "But you are. So I managed to convince Goodwitch that your input would be invaluable to the dance's success."

"…Huh?" asked Yang and Ruby.

Weiss sighed, but said, "I want you to help me set up the dance. You're fun…you would know what everyone else would want better than I could. And…" She looked away from Yang, the blush returning to her face. "…You seemed disappointed when Goodwitch told you that you couldn't throw a party on our first day. I just…sort of figured you'd like this."

Yang's hands covered her mouth. "Oh…Weissy…" She smiled, her eyes tearing up slightly. She strode forward and pulled Weiss into a hug. "You really _do_ care!"

"Don't call me 'Weissy'!" shouted Weiss as she attempted escape Yang's warm, bouncy, iron embrace. "And of course I care! You're my friend!"

"Aw…" said Ruby. "Weiss admitted she has friends!" She rushed forward, allowing Yang to pull her into the hug as well.

Weiss sighed as she gave up her struggle. "Idiots…" she muttered, blushing.

"Now we just have to convince Blake to relax and then we can party!" Yang yelled. Her eyes turned red. "God, I'm so excited; I feel like I'm about to explode!"

"Uh…uh-oh…" muttered Ruby as she noticed wisps of smoke coming from Yang's hair. "Yang, calm down!"

"What's happening?!" asked Weiss, looking from Yang to Ruby. "Why is it getting so hot in here?!"

"Party, party!" chanted Yang, her hair glowing gold. "Party, party, **party** , **PARTY** , **PARTY!** "

Outside, in the hallway, Jaune squinted at the words he had scrawled on the notepad, paying no mind to the smoke rising from underneath Team RWBY's room. " _Hair of white, skin pale as snow. The dance is this weekend; do you want to go?_ " he read out. He smiled and said, "I think I have something here!"

Something exploded inside Team RWBY's room, knocking their door off its hinges. After it fell to the floor with a _thud_ , Jaune slowly looked inside the smoky room. Yang was standing unscathed in the middle of the room, a scorch mark on the floor around her. Two soot-covered, smoky shapes were laying on the ground at Jaune's feet.

"Um…Ruby?" asked Jaune. "Weiss?"

The two figures groaned in acknowledgement.

Jaune pulled out his pen and scribbled out the words on the notepad. "Gonna have to do some rewrites…" he muttered to himself.

" _You're the saddest bunch I ever met,_

 _But you can bet, before we're through._

 _Mister, I'll make a man out of you!_ "

Jaune jumped and pulled his Scroll out of his pocket. "Crap, I'm late for training with Pyrrha! Bye guys!" He ran off down the hallway, leaving Team RWBY's room in ruins.

"Bye Jaune!" called Yang. She looked at Weiss's burnt form and said, "So what was this about a party?"

Weiss groaned.

 _Later_ :

Miló and Crocea Mors clashed as Jaune and Pyrrha locked blades. They pulled away before they both swung out again, each blocking the strike from hitting their bodies. Jaune smirked as he pushed forward, forcing Pyrrha to hold him back. She smirked back and suddenly moved to the side. Jaune, who had been forcing his blade forward with all his might stumbled, allowing Pyrrha to sweep his legs out from underneath him with a kick. Jaune landed with a crash against the tile of the roof.

Pyrrha smiled and held out a hand, "Well done, Jaune."

"Well done?" asked Jaune. He reached out and grabbed Pyrrha's hand, allowing her to help him up. "You still beat me."

"But you're improving immensely," said Pyrrha. "Nobody is perfect when they start out, Jaune. It takes years of practice to even get where you are." She put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. "You should be proud of what you've accomplished in so little time."

Jaune smiled and said, "I couldn't have done it without you, Pyrrha. Thank you."

Pyrrha let go of Jaune and sheathed her sword. "So, want to move on to Aura?"

Jaune's smile faded. "Um…or a what, exactly?" he asked, avoiding Pyrrha's eyes.

Pyrrha frowned. "Jaune. You know what I mean."

Jaune sighed. "…Yeah, I do. I just…I'm not really feeling Aura tonight; you know?"

"Is it because of your Semblance?" asked Pyrrha. "Everyone discovers theirs eventually, Jaune. The more you practice, the sooner you'll discover what it is."

"That's not it," said Jaune. "It's…it's stupid, you don't need to-" A soft hand caressed his cheek, making him fall silent.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me," said Pyrrha, gently rubbing Jaune's cheek. "You know I'm always here for you."

"Well…ok…" Jaune said slowly. "It's about…Weiss. It's…ah!" He grabbed at Pyrrha's hand, attempting to pull it off. "Pyrrha! That's my face!"

"Oh!" said Pyrrha, her glare disappearing. She stopped squeezing Jaune's cheek and stepped backwards, "I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was grabbing you so hard!"

"No, it's fine!" said Jaune, small bruises already purpling on his face. "I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose!"

"Y-yeah! Sure!" said Pyrrha quickly. "Let's go with that!" She cleared her throat and said, "So…what about…" She gritted her teeth and spat out, " _Weiss_?"

"Well, I asked her to the dance-" began Jaune.

"No!" Pyrrha shouted. "I-I mean, continue please."

"And she shot me down," finished Jaune.

"YES!" shouted Pyrrha, pumping her fist in the air. She blinked and said quickly, "I mean oh no, how terrible."

"Yeah, but…I mean, are you really surprised?" Jaune asked.

"Well…" said Pyrrha, using her finger to twirl a lock of her hair. "There are other people you could ask, you know. I pretty certain that there are girls that would love to go with you."

"Yeah sure," scoffed Jaune. "Next you're going to tell me that you don't have a date."

"You'd be surprised," muttered Pyrrha.

"Oh please," said Jaune, laughing. "What guy _wouldn't_ want to go out with you? You're nice, super smart, and gorgeous too! If you don't get a date, I'll wear a dress!" Jaune walked towards the door and said, "I'm heading back to the dorm! See you in a bit!"

Pyrrha stared at Jaune's retreating figure and muttered, "He thinks I'm gorgeous?" Her face turned red as a giddy smile grew on her face.

Down in the dorm below, Nora pulled her head away from the open window. "This is ridiculous!" she shouted. "Why doesn't Pyrrha just tell Jaune that she likes him? He wouldn't say no to her!"

"You can't push these things, Nora," said Ren, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room. "Pyrrha will tell Jaune when she's ready."

"But why not just _be_ ready?!" asked Nora. "I mean; how hard could it be to tell the boy you like that you have a crush on him?"

Ren uncrossed his legs and stood up. "Put yourself in her shoes," he advised, "If you had a crush on me, would _you_ be able to tell me?"

Nora's eyes went wide as her face turned red. "W-well, of course! Right?!" She laughed maniacally before stopping suddenly. "I don't know why I laughed that hard."

Ren smiled and patted her head. "Well, not everyone is as courageous as you are. That's what makes you Nora, after all." He pulled back and said, "Now…you heard Jaune. Don't you think we should get another dress for the dance, just in case?"

A big grin grew on Nora's face. "Yes, I think we should. He did say he'd do it if she didn't get another date, after all."

"Hell, we'd chip in for that," said a voice. Ren and Nora turned to glare at Team CRDL, who were relaxing on their beds. "What?" asked Cardin defensively. "I might not be bullying Jaune anymore, but you have to admit that he's being pretty dense about Nikos's feelings."

"Relationships are built on mutual understanding, after all," said Dove. "At least, that's what my mom says."

"Plus, you guys _are_ sort of in our dorm," Russell pointed out. "And have been coming here ever since Nikos started training Jaune."

"Plus, it would be hilarious!" said Sky. When everyone turned to glare at him, he held up his hands placating. "And that it should help him understand Nikos's feelings probably."

"Fair enough!" said Nora. She saluted the boys and said, "Team CRDL, we will see you tomorrow at 0700 hours to begin Operation: Prom Queen!"

"Sir, yes sir!" said the boys of CRDL, saluting back.

As Nora and Ren left the room, Sky leaned over and whispered to Cardin, "So…how long do you think it will take Ren to realize Nora's in love with him?"

"We'll start on them after we get Jaune and Nikos together," Cardin whispered back.

 _In another part of the dorms_ :

The door to the room opened as Cinder sashayed in. "Really, you didn't have to walk me _all_ the way back to my room, handsome," she said, smiling at her escort.

"Oh, it's no problem!" said Jaune. He gave her a smile and rubbed the back of his neck. "I couldn't let a lady like you walk through the halls alone, after all."

Cinder smirked and gave him a smoldering look. "Well…I must find _some_ way to reward you…" She unbuttoned the top of her uniform's blouse with one hand, exposing a fair amount of cleavage. "It would be my _pleasure_."

Jaune laughed and waved his hands. "Really, I don't need anything! I used to help ladies like you cross the street all the time when I was in Scouts!"

Cinder paused in her unbuttoning. "…What?"

"Yeah," Jaune continued, "They'd always give me cookies or tell me that they'd wish their grandkids were like me."

Cinder's eyes glowed yellow as she let out an indignant, " _What_?!"

Jaune looked at one of the beds in the room, where Emerald was sitting and staring at Cinder in wide-eyed horror. "You guys should really take better care of her, you know? You wouldn't want her getting lost or forgetting where she's staying!"

"Um…sure…" said Emerald hesitantly. She tried her hardest to ignore the literal steam coming out of Cinder's ears.

"Great!" said Jaune. He smiled winningly at Cinder and said, "Well, I have to get back to my own room now. I hope you have a great night, ma'am!"

Cinder let out a choking noise as her hands started to smoke.

Jaune waved and stepped back into the hall, shutting the door behind him.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" screamed Cinder, sparks flying off her fingers. "How am I supposed to manipulate anyone here when they all think I'm some helpless old biddy?! I'm not even _that_ old!" She turned to Mercury, causing the boy to wince. "Mercury, how old would you say I look?"

Mercury's eyes went wide. "Um…I don't really…I'm not one to judge, I mean…"

"Mercury," said Cinder, her eyes boring into the boy's, "If you value your testicles at all, you will stop your pathetic sniveling and answer my question. **Now.** " She raised her smoking, spark-spitting hand threateningly.

Mercury felt sweat dripping down his forehead from the sheer heat of her palm. He gulped. "Boss, you don't look a day over…35?"

"I'M 24!" screamed Cinder, somehow restraining herself from launching a fireball at her subordinate. She swung her gaze over to Emerald and said, "I want that blonde fool added to the list now!"

"Well…ma'am, the list only has _female_ candidates, remember?" asked Emerald. "It doesn't really make sense to add Arc to-"

"Fine!" yelled Cinder. "You useless ingrates! Add his partner then!"

"Nikos?" asked Mercury. He smirked and said, "I can get behind that. Arc was being pretty smug about what she could do. Which is magnetism, by the way. I felt her pull my leg with her Semblance just as I was about to hit her."

"It does make sense to add her," admitted Emerald. "She's the top of her class. Hell, she could even give some professional Huntsmen a run for their money in a straight-up fight."

"Yeah, don't care," said Cinder dismissively. She ground her teeth as she pulled open the dorm's closet. She stared at the black mask hanging from the hanger and muttered, "I am a _maiden_. Not some old hag. I'll show them all..."

* * *

 **Having giving up bullying, Team CRDL have taken up the hobby of discussing the relationships of the fellow students. The following is a list they have compiled:**

 **Jaune + Pyrrha = Dense idiot will eventually realize Pyrrha's feelings, but only after big event.**

 **Ren + Nora = Honestly thought they were already married.**

 **Ruby + Crescent Rose = Ruby might need therapy.**

 **Weiss + Neptune = She wears the pants.**

 **Blake + Sun = She wears the shirt.**

 **Yang + Cardin = In his dreams.**

 **Russel + Anyone = Unlikely.**

 **Cardin + Russel = Sexual tension.**

 **Dove + Cardin, Russel, and Sky - Sanity - Sleep = My Goddamn Life.**


	23. The Indecent Intervention

**RWBY: The Parody**

 **By: Maniac92**

* * *

 **Chapter 23: The Indecent Intervention**

In one day, Beacon's ballroom had been transformed. Balloons, ribbons, and decorative lights had been set up throughout the room, while dozens of tables and chairs were placed against the walls. The floor had been polished and the room had been meticulously cleaned, making it look better than it had in years.

Ruby was sitting alone at a table, a frown on her face. She was deep in thought about-

Weiss suddenly slammed her hands on the table, making Ruby jump. "I need your help!" said Weiss. She held out two white cards and said, "Which color would make a better tablecloth?"

Ruby looked at the cards in confusion. "Aren't they the same color?"

Weiss sighed and said, "No! One is clearly Ghost White while the other is clearly White Smoke. They're _completely_ different."

"Oh…I see?" Ruby answered unconvincingly. She looked at the cards again before pointing to the one on the right. "That one. Choose the White Smoke."

"That's the Ghost White," said Weiss.

"Oh!" said Ruby. She pointed to the other one. "Then how about the Ghost White?"

"That's the White Smoke!" yelled Weiss. She sighed and pocketed the cards. "Ruby, have you even done _anything_ like this before?"

"No," answered Ruby as she shook her head.

Weiss blinked. "Oh." She paused for a second as she looked around the ballroom. "Let's see…balloons are done…the caterers have been hired…the napkins have been pressed…" She spotted Yang bringing in a massive speaker and smiled. "I've got it! How about you help Yang pick the music for the dance?"

Ruby shrugged. "I guess I could help with that."

"Good," Weiss said with a smile. She frowned and added, "Make sure that she picks _appropriate_ songs to play. I've had to stop her from adding three different songs about girls' asses already and I can't keep watching her."

"You just don't know what good music is," Yang called as she set down the speaker.

"No," replied Weiss, giving Yang a glare, "I just realize that we're trying to organize a _dance_. Not an _orgy_."

"My songs are fine!" said Yang. She pulled out her Scroll. "Here, I'll set my playlist to shuffle and show you." She pressed a button on her Scroll and waited.

" _Let's talk about sex, baby, l_ _et's talk about you and me._

 _Let's talk about bubbles in the tub, l_ _et's talk about making love!_ " sang the music playing from the Scroll's speaker.

Yang quickly hit the pause button and smiled innocently at Weiss and Ruby. "Oops?" she offered.

Ruby looked back at Weiss and promised, "Yeah, I'll go over the playlist once she's done."

Weiss let out a sigh of relief and replied, "Thank you." She pulled out her own Scroll and said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to a man about some floral arrangements." Weiss walked away, tapping in a number on her Scroll.

Yang walked over to Ruby's table. "So," she said, "picked a dress for the dance yet?"

"What's the point?" asked Ruby. "Blake doesn't want to come, so who cares?"

Yang paused and gave Ruby a searching look. "Did…did you want to go with her to the dance?" she asked seriously.

Ruby blushed and waved her hands in denial. "N-no!" she stammered. "I just want her to relax at the dance is all!"

"Ok. But I would support you if you _did_ want to take Blake, you know," continued Yang. "It would be fine. Plus, I would totally get it. Blake _does_ have that sexy aloof ninja thing going on."

"Yang!" whined Ruby, pulling her hood up to hide her red face.

Yang smiled and reached out to pull Ruby's hood away. "Don't worry about Blake. I've got a plan to get her to come to the dance."

"Please tell me you aren't going to kidnap her and force her to go to the dance," said Weiss as she walked back to the table.

Yang stared Weiss for a second. "…I have _another_ plan to get Blake to come to the dance," she amended.

Weiss sighed and said, "I'd be worried about this, but I'm too busy dealing with the dance. I still have to get the doilies, the fog machines, approve the music list, make sure the flowers get here on time…" She paused and rubbed her temples. "Who knew setting up a dance could be so-"

The door to the ballroom opened. Sun and Neptune walked into the room and looked around in wonder. As Sun whistled appreciatively, Neptune smiled at Weiss and asked, "How are our favorite party planners doing?"

"-Wonderful!" said Weiss. "Who knew setting up a dance could be so wonderful!" She turned to Neptune and said cheerfully, "It's wonderful! We're wonderful! Everything's wonderful!"

"Cool," said Neptune, giving her a wink.

Weiss blushed and let out a blissful sigh.

"Yeah, whatever," said Sun, pushing Neptune to the side. He grinned at the girls and asked, "You ladies excited to play dress-up?"

Yang smirked and said, "Almost as excited as we are to see you in a tux, Sun."

Sun scoffed and said, "Me? In one of those monkey suits? No, thank you." He gestured down at his open shirt and jeans. "What's wrong with what I have on now?"

"You can't dress like that at a dance, Sun," said Neptune.

"Why not?" asked Sun. "I'm a Vacuo boy born and raised. It's not exactly a shirt and tie sort of place." He paused for a second. "Hell, even pants were optional most days."

Neptune sighed and said, "Trust me, I remember how long it took to convince you that it wasn't a good idea to go to class in just your underwear."

"At least I wore the underwear," Sun replied.

"And that alone took a week," retorted Neptune.

Sun shrugged and replied, "You Mistralians are weird." He turned to the girls and rubbed the back of his head. "So…how's Blake doing? Is she still…you know…"

"Grumpy?" supplied Weiss.

"Smelly?" offered Ruby.

"The _same_?" clarified Sun.

"Unfortunately," said Ruby. She sighed and said, "How are we supposed to convince her to relax?"

"I told you guys," said Yang. She smiled deviously. "Leave Blake to me. She _will_ be at the dance tomorrow."

"What are you going to do?" asked Sun.

Yang gave him a wink and started walking towards the door. "Don't worry," she called. "I can be _very_ persuasive."

Neptune watched her leave and then turned to the others. "Should we be worried?"

Weiss waved her hand dismissively. "No. Yang's smarter than she lets on. She'll handle this with grace and tact."

Ruby gave her an odd look. "Have you even _met_ my sister?" she asked.

 _Minutes later_ :

Blake dove behind another bookcase as a fireball rocketed past her. She looked around at the burning library and grabbed Gambol Shroud off her back. "What is even happening?" she whispered to herself.

" _ **Blaaaaakeyyyyy…**_ " sang a demonic sounding voice from above. Blake looked up and saw a familiar blonde-haired, red-eyed girl grinning madly down at her from the top of the bookcase. She raised her fists and cocked the golden gauntlets on her wrists. " **We need to talk.** "

Blake's eyes went wide as Yang dove off the bookcase, fire trailing after her. "Oh, fuck."

 _Meanwhile, with the handsome men :_

Ren sighed as the hot water poured from the shower head onto his stiff shoulders. Droplets trailed down his pale, lean body, pooling at his feet. His hair was undone from the ponytail he normally wore; his raven locks cascading down his face and bare back. He tilted his head back slightly and brushed the hair away from his handsome face. His magenta irises focused on the shower wall and he stood motionless; lost in thought.

"Ren," said a voice, stirring him from his thoughts.

Ren turned his head slightly to look at his visitor. Jaune was standing under the adjacent shower, staring intently at Ren with his ocean-like blue eyes. "Can we talk for a minute?" Jaune breathed, almost desperately. "I don't know how much longer I can hold this in."

Ren noted, rather uncomfortably, that Jaune was also completely naked. He took the moment to take in the results of Pyrrha's training as he stared at Jaune's surprisingly toned body. While Jaune wasn't dark, his muscles had a healthy tan that Ren lacked. Dark bruises stood out on his side and chest; souvenirs from training that his Aura had not fully healed yet. Ren's gaze trailed down Jaune's abs to his-

Ren blinked as he realized he had been staring. He quickly looked back up into Jaune's eyes and asked, "What do you need?"

"You," said Jaune simply, taking a step forward. He paused and said, "But not here. Can you come back to the dorm with me once we're done with our showers?"

Ren nodded. "Anything for you, my friend." He turned back to his own running showerhead. After a moment, he looked back. "Jaune?"

Jaune looked up from the soapy lather he was spreading on his chest. "Yes Ren?" he answered.

Ren nodded at him and said, "Nice."

Jaune gave him a roguish wink. "Back at you, man."

 _One steamy shower later_ :

Jaune and Ren were wrapped in towels and sitting on Ren's bed back in JNPR's dorm. The cool air chilled their damp bodies as they sat side-by-side, Ren's pink eyes staring deeply into Jaune's blue ones.

"Ren," breathed Jaune. "You are one of my best friends…hell, I consider you to be the brother I never had. But despite that, I…I just don't know where to start…"

Ren smiled gently and laid a hand on Jaune's bare knee. "Start from the beginning," he advised.

Jaune sighed and ran a hand through his wet, golden hair. "I just don't want to weird you out or anything, you know? I…well, I care about you too much to do that."

"Jaune." Ren squeezed Jaune's knee reassuringly. "I can take it. I promise."

Jaune looked at Ren, taking in his concerned face. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"I am," nodded Ren. "Give it to me."

Heavy breathing came from the bed next to them. "Oh god, _please_ give it to him…" moaned a breathless voice.

Jaune and Ren turned their heads to look at Nora, who was sitting in on her bed staring at them with a blush on her face. She was dressed in her pajamas: a slightly too-large black shirt with the word 'CATCHPHRASE" adorned on it and small pink shorts decorated with tiny lightning bolts. Pink headphones were around her neck and an unopened book rested on her bare thighs.

"Nora, do you mind?" asked Jaune, gesturing to himself and Ren. "We're trying to have a private conversation here."

Nora blinked as the blush on her cheeks faded. "Conversation?" she repeated.

Ren nodded and turned back to Jaune. "It's alright, Jaune. Tell me about your girl trouble."

" _Girl trouble_?!" repeated Nora. She scoffed and pulled her headphones back over her head. "I thought this was going in a _much_ sexier direction…" she grumbled to herself as she opened her book.

Jaune sighed and fell silent for a few moments. "…It's Weiss," he finally admitted. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "God, she's great. Smart, talented, confident…not to mention beautiful." He sighed again and said, "No wonder she won't give somebody like me a chance…she's miles out of my league."

"Do you…really like her _that_ much?" asked Ren.

"I…well, I really don't know," said Jaune. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. "It's…complicated. It's like a part of me realizes that she doesn't really like me, but another part doesn't want me to stop trying." He sighed again. "All I want is a chance. A chance to be the guy that she likes without screwing everything up again. Is that really so bad?"

"Then do it," said a voice from the door.

Jaune, Ren, and Nora looked over to see Pyrrha enter the room. She shut the door behind her and stared at Jaune. "If you really want to have a chance with Weiss, then you need to make a serious effort. She's not just going to randomly fall into your arms, Jaune." She knelt down and looked Jaune in the eye. "No schemes. No music. You need to tell Weiss how you feel and ask for that chance."

"But…but what if she says 'no'?" asked Jaune, looking down at the floor.

Pyrrha shrugged. "Then she says 'no'. It's her decision. It will hurt if she rejects you, but you can move past it." She gestured to Ren and Nora and said, "Your team… _I_ …will be here to help you heal. To help you realize that it is _not_ the end of the world and that you _can_ move on. But Jaune…" She took hold of Jaune's chin and gently lifted his head to stare into his eyes. "Your best bet is to just be honest about your feelings."

"…What if she hates me?" asked Jaune quietly. "What if she wants nothing to do with me afterwards?"

"Then she's a fool," answered Pyrrha, smiling down at him, "because you are one hell of a guy."

Jaune tried to speak, but something felt lodged in his throat. He looked away and rubbed his suddenly-watery eyes. He stood up and wrapped his arms around Pyrrha, pulling her close. He leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks Pyrrha," he whispered.

Pyrrha smiled as she leaned into the embrace and nestled her head into the crook of Jaune's neck. "My pleasure, partner," she said back. She pulled back from the embrace and nodded at Jaune. "Are you ready?"

Jaune gave her a smile and nodded. "I'm ready," he affirmed. He raised his hands to the sky and yelled, "I'm ready to bear it all to Weiss!"

Jaune's towel, free from his grasp, promptly dropped to the floor.

Pyrrha's face went scarlet as her gaze immediately went downwards. "J-Jaune, your-!"

"It feels so good to talk to you about this sort of thing, Pyrrha," continued Jaune, unware of his nudity. He touched his bare chest and said, "It feels so freeing; putting it all out there like this. Really letting it all hang out there."

"Jaune-" began Ren, whose palm was pressed against his face.

"God, I can't wait to tell Weiss how I feel about her, you know?" Jaune continued. "I think it's about time I showed her what I was made of. Showed her that Jaune David Arc is a man!"

"I'll say!" agreed Nora as she openly stared.

"I'm going to tell Weiss how I feel right now!" said Jaune. He turned his back to Pyrrha, causing her to bite her lip as she glanced downward again, and headed for the door. "I feel great! My losing streak with Weiss is finally over!"

"Now you're about to start a whole new streak!" chimed in Nora.

Jaune turned and gave her a wink as he grabbed the doorknob. "You better believe it! No ifs, ands, or buts about it!" He left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Ren sighed as he removed the hand from his face. "…We should probably go tell him, right?"

"Nah," said Nora, waving her hand dismissively. "He'll figure it out eventually." Her grin disappeared as she turned to Pyrrha, a worried expression on her face. "But what about you? Are you really alright with this? With Jaune and Weiss?"

Pyrrha shook her head as she tore her gaze away from the door. She looked over at Nora and said, "As long as Jaune is happy, I'm fine."

"What about your happiness?" asked Nora.

Pyrrha gave her a small smile and said, "I'll be fine. Really." She reached down and picked up Jaune's forgotten towel. She frowned suddenly and said, "But if Weiss doesn't treat that beautiful, clueless man right, I will break her over my knee." Towel in hand, Pyrrha walked towards the door and exited the room.

Ren sighed and stood up, his own towel tight in his grasp. "Well," he began, "I supposed I should go back to the showers and get dressed."

"Or you _could_ just change here," said Nora innocently. When Ren turned to stare at her, she blushed and continued, "I mean…why bother going all the way back to the bathroom when you could just get nak…I mean, _change_ here, right?!" She laughed uncomfortably for much too long. She fell silent as she and Ren stared at each other. "Take it off," she demanded suddenly. "Now."

"Oh!" said Ren. He smiled and said, "You must mean that, since we grew up together, it wouldn't be strange to change in front of you right? I mean, we _do_ shower together, after all." He paused. "Well, not _together_ -together, but-"

"Yeah…sure. Whatever," panted Nora, a hungry look in her eyes as she stared at Ren's covered waist. "Take that fucking towel off before I rip it off with my teeth."

 _Meanwhile_ :

The door to the empty classroom was suddenly kicked open. Yang strolled in with Blake, who was bound and gagged with Gambol Shroud's ribbon, over her shoulder. Yang dropped Blake onto the floor in front of the professor's desk and untied the ribbon.

Once she was free, Blake stood up and spat the ribbon out of her mouth. "What the hell is this?!" she screamed.

"We need to talk about you and this investigation," said Yang as she moved in-between Blake and the door.

"I don't _need_ to do anything," growled Blake. She began pushing past Yang. "This is a complete waste of my-"

Yang suddenly grabbed Blake's collar and pulled, slamming her forehead into Blake's.

Blake crumpled to the floor as her head erupted with pain. After a moment, she propped herself up and started blinking the stars out of her eyes. "Did…did you just _headbutt_ me?" she asked.

"Sure did," said Yang. She reached out a hand and said, "Do you want to talk now, or do you still want to be an asshole?"

Blake stared at Yang's hand for a moment before hesitantly grabbing it. Yang pulled her back to her feet and stepped backwards, waiting for her to speak.

"I'm not going to stop," Blake finally spoke after a moment of silence. "Torchwick is out there with the White Fang and-"

" _Nobody_ is telling you to stop," interrupted Yang. She moved out away from the door and walked over to the desk. Leaning on it, she turned to Blake and said, "We just want you to slow down for minute."

Blake eyed the now-unguarded exit fleetingly, but quickly looked back at Yang. "We… _I_ can't slow down."

"You _have_ to," Yang said. She gestured at Blake. "Just look at yourself! You can barely stand on your own two feet!" She sniffed the air and grimaced. "And you smell even worse than you did yesterday."

"Enough about how I smell!" yelled Blake. "Torchwick has to be stopped!"

"Which we are going to do," said Yang. "But first, a story!"

Blake stared at her. "…What?"

"It all started a long time ago…"

Blake snapped her fingers in Yang's face. "Hey, hello? I'm not listening to some…"

"A long, _long_ , time ago!" Yang continued, ignoring Blake's protests. "Ruby and I grew up on an island called Patch. Our parents are Huntsmen. While Dad taught at Signal, our mom, Summer Rose, would take on missions for the kingdom." She smiled sadly. "Summer was the best. She listened to whatever me and Ruby had to say like it was the most interesting thing she'd ever heard. She loved us and we loved her."

 _Years ago_ :

A woman in a white cloak was sitting on a rocking chair, gently cradling a small toddler with black and red hair in her arms. The toddler was wearing black pajamas with little cartoon Beowolves decorated on them.

"Mommy!" shouted a voice. A little girl with blonde pigtails came running into the room. She was wearing a yellow shirt and orange overalls. She smiled at the woman and said, "I know what I wanna be when I grow up!"

"Really?" asked Summer Rose, smiling at the girl. "What is it, Yang?"

Yang threw some punches and answered, "I'm going to be a Huntress and beat up all the boys!"

Summer smiled as baby Ruby babbled excitedly at her older sister. "You'd be just like me! Even the beating up boys part! That's how I met your daddy and uncle!" She leaned in and whispered to Yang, "I still beat them up every now and again."

"I almost had you the last time we sparred," said a stubbly blond man as he entered the room. He picked up Yang and put her on his shoulders.

Summer smiled warmly at him as she cupped a fist in her hand. As she slowly cracked her knuckles, she asked, "What did you say, Tai?"

Taiyang Xiao Long paled as he took a step backwards from his beautiful albeit terrifying wife. "Uh…nothing dear."

 _Now_ :

Blake stared at Yang. "She seems…nice?" she offered.

"Yeah, she was," agreed Yang. The smile on her face disappeared and she fell silent for a moment. "And…one day…she left to go on a mission and…never came back. The Huntsmen who told my dad said that the last time anyone saw Summer, she was being swarmed by Grimm." Yang paused to rub her eyes. "They didn't even find a body for us to bury…"

Blake stared at Yang with horror. "Yang…I…I'm so-"

"I'm fine," said Yang. She smiled at Blake, who noticed that her eyes were watery in spite of her claims. "It happened years ago, Blake. It was tough to move on…for Ruby especially. She was too little to understand why her mom suddenly wasn't there anymore. Dad just…shut down." She paused. "Ruby and I…we're only _half-_ sisters. I never knew Summer wasn't my actual mother until after she was gone…and I only figured out because I overheard my dad and uncle arguing one night."

"And…your real mother?" asked Blake.

"She and my dad were on a team with Summer and our uncle, Qrow," explained Yang. "She and my dad got together and she left when I was born. Nobody has seen her since." She sighed. "I was little. I thought that, if Summer was gone, maybe I could find my actual mother and bring her back home. Then Dad would be happy and Ruby could still have a mom around. So I waited for my Dad to leave the house and left with Ruby to go find her. I figured out that my dad and my mother used to live miles away from where we lived with Summer. I thought that, maybe, she'd still be there. Or I could find out where she went."

"Did you find anything?" asked Blake.

Yang nodded. "I found the house…and a whole bunch of Grimm inside. They leapt out at me and Ruby." She shuddered and held her arms. "I…I almost got us killed. If our uncle hadn't turned up in the nick of time, we would have been dead for sure."

 _Then_ :

Qrow Branwen swayed on the spot as he watched the last Beowolf fall in two pieces. He sheathed the sword on his back and turned to face a much younger Yang, who was shaking. He pointed an unsteady finger at Yang and said, "What the hell are you doing out here, squirt? Those Grimm could've eaten you and your sister for dinner if I hadn't showed up!"

Little Yang sniffed, tears dripping down her face. "I…I'm sorry!" she sobbed. "I-I just wanted to find my mom!"

"Huh?" asked Qrow. He turned and squinted at the abandoned house behind him. "Oh!" His eyes widened as he finally recognized the place. "Oh…you, uh…you found out, huh?"

Yang nodded as she stared at the ground. "I just…I wanted her to come home…I didn't w-want Ruby to get ea…eat…" Her voice broke as she started bawling.

Qrow rubbed the back of his neck as he watched the crying girl. "Aw shit…" he muttered. He stepped forward and scooped Yang into his arms. "It's alright, kiddo. Me and your dad will explain everything to you when we get back home, ok?" He felt Yang nod as she pressed her soaked face into his neck. He walked towards the little red wagon that Yang had been holding and looked inside.

A happy little face with big, silver eyes smiled up at him from the red cape it was bundled up in. "Uncle Qrow!" squealed the toddler, reaching her arms out for him. "Did you kill the monsters!"

"Yep," said Qrow as he reached down to ruffle the tiny girl's hair. "Did you miss me?"

"Nope!" answered Ruby, giggling as she pushed his hand away.

Qrow reached down and grabbed the handle of the wagon. "Let's get the hell back home," he said to the two girls. He pulled the wagon down the forest path, leaving the empty building behind them.

 _Now_ :

Blake looked at the chalkboard and then back to Yang. "Are you…are you drawing cartoons of your story?"

Yang dropped the chalk and quickly stepped away from a half-finished doodle of a disheveled man holding a flask. "Uh…no?"

Blake sighed and said, "Look, I get what you're trying to say, but this is different. I'm not a defenseless little girl looking for answers. I'm not going to back down just because-"

"You'd think that with four ears you could listen a little better," Yang interrupted. "I'm not telling you to _stop_ , remember? _I_ haven't! Why do you guys think I go to clubs and beat the shit out of everyone?!"

"Because you like to fight and want a decent soundtrack while doing so?" guessed Blake.

"My god, do I!" agreed Yang. "But it's also to figure out where my mom went! I'm not dumb enough to think that she'd come back to live with me and Dad, but…" She sighed and turned to face the chalkboard. "I just want to know why she left. Why she didn't seem to care about my dad…or me. But I don't let my search control me." She paused. "You and I are both looking for answers, Blake. But if we let our search become an obsession, it _will_ destroy us."

"No, it won't!" yelled Blake. "For god's sake, why do _none_ of you understand this? Every _second_ that we waste is another that Torchwick is closer to his goal. It's another trusting, naïve Faunus that decides they've had enough and joins the White Fang. It's more people hurt, more people _dead_ , and if I have to stop them alone then you better _fucking_ believe that I will!"

"Do you actually think you could?!" Yang yelled back. She turned away from the chalkboard and glared at Blake. "If Roman Torchwick were here in this classroom, what would you do?"

"Fight him!" answered Blake.

"Good." Yang walked away from the desk and grabbed Gambol Shroud from the floor. She tossed it to Blake and said, "Pretend that I'm Torchwick. Try and fight me."

Blake looked down at the weapon in her hands. "Yang, don't be stupid," she said, looking back up. "I'm not going to-"

Yang shot forward, socking Blake in the jaw with her fist. As Blake spun in place and dropped to the floor, she cracked her knuckles and said, "You better. Because you won't convince me that you can beat _anybody_ , let alone Roman Torchwick, if you don't."

Blake growled and picked herself up from the floor. She swung Gambol Shroud wildly, but Yang simply stepped backwards to avoid it. Blake screamed in anger and lunged towards, but Yang moved to the side and held out her foot. Blake stumbled over it and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Wow," said Yang. She started clapping slowly. "Pretty impressive."

"SHUT UP!" Blake changed Gambol Shroud to its chain-scythe mode and launched it at Yang. Yang reached out a hand and grabbed the blade before it could strike her. She yanked on the ribbon, pulling Blake towards her. She grabbed Blake by the neck and slammed her into the ground. Grabbing her wrists, Yang sat down on top of Blake, pinning her to the floor.

"For the record," said Yang, shifting her hips to get comfy, "That was me holding back. Like, _a lot_." She leaned forward, her chest squished against Blake's. "So, how do you feel?"

"Like I got the shit beaten out of me," replied Blake.

"Good," answered Yang. "Now imagine what Torchwick would've done to you."

Blake was silent for a moment as she imagined what Roman Torchwick, ruthless and fashionable criminal, would have done in the fight. She groaned. "I would be dead, right?"

"Bingo," answered Yang. She let go of Blake's wrists and wrapped her arms around her. "I'll say it again, so try and listen this time. _No one_ wants you to stop trying. We just don't want you to kill yourself over this. So can you please rest? For the people who care about you?"

Blake sighed and closed her eyes. "You're not going to move until I say 'yes', are you?"

"Nope," Yang answered with a smile.

Blake opened her eyes and gave her a small smile in return. "Then it's pretty lucky for me that I see your point. I will try and relax a little." She sniffed the air and gagged. "And I'll take a shower as soon as possible."

"Good," said Yang. "And…you don't have to go if you don't want to, but if you _do_ decide to go to the dance tomorrow, I'll save you a dance."

Blake smirked at her. "With the way you're holding me, I'd say we're _well_ past the dancing stage of our relationship."

Yang grinned back at her. "I don't hear you complaining."

"Well," began Blake, "it feels nice. And," she fluttered her eyelashes at Yang, "We _are_ partners, after all."

The two stared at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"Ok," said Yang, "Jokes aside; we should probably get up."

Blake nodded. "Good idea. We're lucky some idiot hasn't burst in and misunderstood the whole-"

The door burst open as a very frantic, very nude Jaune Arc ran into the classroom. He looked down at Yang and Blake and yelled, "Have you two seen Weiss anywhere?"

"This isn't what it looks like!" yelled Blake.

"Also, why are you-" began Yang, her eyes drifting downwards.

Jaune waved his hands and said, "I have no time for your lesbian temptations, women! Weiss! Schnee! Have you seen her?!"

"No, we haven't seen Weiss," said Yang. "And there are no lesbian temptations! What the hell does that even-"

"Damn," interrupted Jaune. "I've checked everywhere. Everywhere except…the courtyard!" He turned and ran out of the room, giving the two girls an unobstructed look at his rear.

Blake and Yang stood up and stared at the doorway. "So…" began Blake. "I know I'm _really_ tired, but I didn't just hallucinate that, right? Jaune was really-"

"Naked?" offered Yang. "Yes, he was. And also surprisingly muscular."

"I know," said Blake. She blushed slightly. "I-I didn't realize guys could get that-"

"I _know_!" said Yang, her own cheeks reddening. "Where do you think he puts it all?"

Blake shook her head. "Well," she said, "Now that _that_ awkward moment is over, I think I'll take that shower. A cold one."

"Me too," agreed Yang. She quickly added, "Not _with_ you, you know. Just sort of standing in the shower _next_ to you. Under a different showerhead. Not together."

"Right, right," said Blake. "Afterwards, I'll probably just climb into bed." She blinked. " _My_ bed. No one else's."

The two of them stared at each other for a moment.

"Wow, Jaune made things _really_ awkward, didn't he?" asked Blake.

"I'll say," agreed Yang. "Him and his 'lesbian temptations'."

The two of them laughed loudly for a few seconds before falling back into an uneasy silence. After a few moments, they left the room, neither of them looking each other in the eye.

From the top row of the student's seats, Professor Oobleck sipped his mug of coffee. "…I wonder why none of them realized I was here the whole time?" he asked himself. He shrugged and took another sip from his mug.

 _Meanwhile_ :

Jaune strolled down the path to the courtyard, wondering why there was a sudden chill in the air. Deciding to check the weather later, Jaune spotted a beautiful white flower growing on the grass. He plucked it from the ground smelled it. "This will be perfect!" he said to himself. "Now to find-"

"Neptune!" said a familiar voice from around the corner.

Jaune froze. "Oh no…" he muttered. He slowly crept to the edge of the path and looked around the edge of the building. Weiss and Neptune were further down the path, speaking to one another.

"-I know this is a little sudden," said Weiss, "but-"

"No…" whispered Jaune.

"Would you like to…"

"No," said Jaune.

"Spar with me, sometime?" asked Weiss.

Jaune exhaled the breath he had been holding and wiped his sweaty forehead. "For a second, I thought she was going to-"

"Sure," answered Neptune.

"Great!" Weiss clapped her hands excitedly. "And will you also accompany me to the dance tomorrow night?"

Jaune sighed. "Yeah, that's what I was afraid would happen," he muttered to himself. He dropped the flower and walked away from the corner of the building, already knowing what Neptune's answer would be.

 _The next night_ :

Yang tapped her fingers on the podium as she waited for everyone to file into the ballroom. She blew some hair away from her face and casually adjusted the strap of her short, white dress. At the sound of the door opening, she glanced up. She smiled at the newcomer and said, "You look so beautiful!"

"I look stupid," grumbled Ruby as she slowly and unsteadily stepped towards Yang. She was wearing a red sleeveless dress and black high heeled shoes, which she was currently glaring down at. "Why couldn't I just wear my regular shoes?" she complained as she stumbled towards the podium.

"You can't dance in combat boots," said Yang, reaching out to grab Ruby before she fell.

"I can't even _walk_ in these," said Ruby as she dangled in Yang's arms. "What if I need to fight somebody?"

Yang gave her an odd look. "Who do you think would fight at a dance?" She hauled Ruby up to her feet and smacked her rear, making her jump forwards. "Now, go have fun!" She gave Ruby a grin and turned back to the podium.

Ruby rubbed her butt as she glared at Yang. "Go have fun…" she repeated. She sighed and made her way to the punch bowl. "This night is going to be boring…"

Outside the ballroom, Sun cursed under his breath as he wrangled with the tie on his neck. He was wearing his usual jeans and sneakers, but had put on a black, buttoned-up shirt. "Stupid…fuck…" he grumbled, twisting and pulling the tie. "How the hell do you even-?"

"So, this may be a bad time," said a voice behind him, "But do you want to go inside?"

Sun turned around and saw that Blake was standing behind him. She was wearing a short, purple dress that had a split side, allowing him a view at her smooth, pale leg. Blake looked far more rested than she had in days; the bags under her eyes had vanished completely. She smiled as she strode forward and grabbed his hand.

"Wow…" muttered Sun, as he and Blake walked towards the door. He cleared his throat and said, "You look great. Not just because you're gorgeous, but because you look more relaxed."

Blake smiled at him. "Thank you. I had some sense knocked into me."

Sun sniffed the air. "And you don't smell like a locker room anymore!"

Blake narrowed her eyes at him.

Sun paled slightly. "N-not that you _did_ before, but…you know…" He fell silent for a moment. "Did I mention you're gorgeous?" He cleared his throat again and said, "Boy, it's hot out here, huh? We should probably get inside and forget I said anything."

Blake rolled her eyes, but there was a small smile on her face. "As fun as it would be to see you try and talk your way out of this, I agree. We have a dance to go to…together."

Sun looked down at her. "Together?" he repeated hopefully.

Blake nodded and squeezed Sun's hand. "Together."

They opened the door and headed inside.

 _Minutes later_ :

The dance had started as classical music filled the ballroom. Students had paired up and were waltzing with one another, moving to the music.

"Who knew you were such a good dancer?" asked Blake. She gave her dance partner a glare. "Although your hand is getting a little too low for comfort… _again_."

Yang gave her a grin as she moved her hand up to Blake's back. "My bad. Must be those lesbian temptations." She twirled Blake and let her go. "Thanks for the dance, partner," she said, giving Blake a wink and a small curtsy.

Blake smiled and curtsied back. "Thanks for yesterday."

Yang grinned at her and turned to see Sun approaching them. "She's all yours!" she said, slapping Sun's shoulder.

Sun winced slightly at the slap, but smiled as he approached Blake. Taking her hand in his, he reached out and grabbed Blake's back, pulling her close. Yang smiled and walked off, leaving the two alone.

"So…" said Sun as he and Blake began to dance. "What are 'lesbian temptations' and should I be concerned or intrigued?"

Blake blushed and forcefully stepped on Sun's foot.

Yang walked to the side of the room and watched Blake and Sun with a smile on her face. Despite the fading redness on her cheeks, Blake looked happy as she danced with Sun. For once, her mind didn't seem to be fixated on what Torchwick and the White Fang were up to.

"I'm just saying that, as leader, _I_ should have been the one to lead!" said a voice, snapping Yang out of her thoughts. Yang turned her head and saw Weiss and Ruby walking towards her.

"And, had you actually _known_ how to dance, I would have let you," said Weiss. Like Yang, she was wearing a sleeveless white dress, although she had cutouts on both sides of her waist. As the two of them came closer, Weiss looked over at Yang. "How is Blake doing?"

Yang gave her a grin and pointed over at the couple. Blake was laughing as Sun hopped up and down on one foot. She spotted the other three looking at her and gave them a small wave.

"Looks like everything worked out!" said Ruby as she energetically waved back at Blake.

"Told you," said Yang. She blew on her knuckles and rubbed them on her dress. "I'm the best."

"I'll say," agreed Weiss. She sighed and said, "Well, I've got to go back to making quadruple-checking everything. See you all later." She turned and walked away, leaving the sisters alone.

"And I should probably go back to welcoming people inside," said Yang. She began walking back to her podium.

"But…what about me?" asked Ruby.

"Just have fun!" called Yang before she disappeared into the crowd.

"Fun…" repeated Ruby. She glanced around at the people around her and failed to recognize any of them. "Right…" She slowly made her way back to the punch bowl.

"A little thirsty tonight, Miss Rose?" asked a voice.

She looked up and saw Professor Ozpin standing next to the snack table, holding two glasses of punch in his hands. He offered one to Ruby and asked, "Not enjoying yourself?"

"Not really," said Ruby. "I'd rather be out killing monsters."

Ozpin chuckled. "Well, you won't be able to spend all your time on the battlefield, no matter how much you may want to."

"But I _really_ want to, though," whined Ruby.

Ozpin smiled at her briefly, but sobered quickly. "You may be too young to realize this now, but times like this don't come around every day. One day, you may look back on this night and wish you could come back to spend just one more hour with those you care about."

Ruby shifted uncomfortably. "That's a little depressing."

"So is getting older," answered Ozpin. "Although, even that has its perks." He smiled at Ruby. "Like the fact that young people are forced to listen to you ramble on and on. Before I leave you with your punch, I'd like to give you one last bit of advice: You never know what tomorrow may bring. You can spend your time planning for it…" He gestured to where Blake was dancing with Sun. "…Or you could spend your time training for it…" He nodded to Ruby. "…And, to an extent, that's fine. But you can't forget to enjoy the present. Time moves on and things change far faster than you realize. It is the moments like these and the memories we make that help us through it." He grinned and gave Ruby a small bow. "Enjoy the party, Ruby." He turned and walked away.

Ruby blinked. "…Did I just learn something?" She shrugged and took a sip of punch.

Back at her podium, Yang straightened her dress and looked up as the door opened. She smiled at the new arrivals and said, "You guys are just in time! I almost thought you wouldn't make it."

Mercury smirked as he and Emerald strolled into the room. "Don't worry, Blondie. We wouldn't miss this for the world. We'd _kill_ to be here." He chuckled quietly before breaking out into evil laughter. Emerald sighed and quickly elbowed Mercury in the gut, making him wheeze.

Yang blinked. "…Neat."

* * *

 **Jaune eventually realized he was naked, but figured that, since nobody confronted him about it, they must not have noticed.**

 **It is likely that Pyrrha, Blake, and Yang did in fact notice, as each of them spent two hours taking a very cold shower.**

 **But not together. Only, like, next to each other.**

 **Stupid lesbian temptations.**


End file.
